Neopets
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“It's a TRAP!”
~ Admiral Ackbar on Neopets
“In Soviet Russia, pets Neo YOU!”
~ Russian reversal on Neopets
“W-what the fuck is this shit?”
~ Haddaway on Neopets
“Interesting website. I been there once, and I loved it.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Neopets
Neopets (originally known as Neopests), which comes from the Greek word Neo meaning new and the Finnish word Pet meaning pervert(or possibly the French word pet, which means fart), is a virtual pet site originally intended for pencil pusher college students, but is now used by wannabe pedophiles, swarms of noobs, and those who don't have a real pet or life of their own (unless they have crabs).
Users are supposed to create artificial creatures to keep and raise for their own food source. They are allowed to raise, farm style, up to four "pets," although a certain user who goes by his alias borovan (which can be roughly translated as The Hitler of the Innocent) raises five pets. But since he works as a maidservant for George Bush and huffs kittens with Osama bin Laden and masturbates, we can't really blame him, can we?
Unfortunately, these artificial beings cannot die per se, instead they may turn red, invisible, or sick. Many players have unsuccessfully tried to kill them. One person even cut off their pet's arms and legs. This ended up being a new species of Neopet called a kiko, which is short for Killer Irish Kabala Orange. Basilisk venom is one of the few things that can destroy them.
Over 236 million pets have been created so far, and they are expected to outnumber the world human population by 2040.
The Neopets staff are very strict and will ban people for saying 'hell', but since Capitalism exists, they make money from putting porn ads on every page. Not really fair, but then, hey, remember that they masturbate to pictures of terrorists, so still, we can't blame them.
The only fun thing to do there is making flame wars with metally retarded middle-schoolers and Hilary Duff fanboys.
Contents |
[edit] Pets
There are 54 pets to keep. Many years ago there were dragon and dinosaur pets that actually looked quite cool. That is why there are boys who play Neopets. Since then they are all revamped and uglier than ever. Most of the boys who played Neopets can't quit - you'll have to ask them why feeding a pixellated pile of crap is so addictive. A few years ago, Neopets looked like your normal kid-friendly game website. Now it looks like a your average toilet, after you have defaecated and before you have flushed. When questioned about this crap makeover, TNT responded: "Neopets need to look more like your mom." Since then it has become popular among 8 year old girls suffering from Downs syndrome, as well as sexually confused middle-aged men who drink methylated spirits and go blind. Such unfortunate victims.
TNT also is an anti-Pegasus regimine (which makes this guy cry more than the fact I haven't mentioned Lucarios in this article). They made a pet called a "Uni", a cheap ripoff of a unicorn that is popular with tween girls who suffer from Downs syndrome, Alzheimer's disease, and drink methylated spirits mixed with their own urine. In reality, they capture and beat the living crap out of unsuspecting Pegasi and then hand them over to real unicorns, who rape them with their horns. What else do you think they were for?
TNT, obviously, hates all that is happy and living. Therefore, TNT picked a bundle of pets and killed them by thousands. Users were horrified, but TNT deemed those pets as "limited edition." This is not all bad you see, as the pet known as the Tonu may spawn spontaneously so users may save a few. Unfortunately, Tonus are too ugly to be liked. One lucky neopet, the Peophin, escaped its endangered condition, for reasons unknown. Another neopet, the Kiko, (a.k.a.Killer Irish Kabala Orange) lasted a decent amount of years until in 2003, where they were slaughtered and deemed "limited edition." TNT were obviously bored at that time. There is also the Poogle, whose name suggests that it is the mix of a poodle and a beagle, or vice versa. It looks nothing of the sort and has stubby little legs and a very cute and rather large head. They appear positively wimpy, but actually have very sharp teeth used for tearing the flesh of all who have the ability to digest food. Beware the Poogle.
TNT picked two random neopets, and did not let users adopt them. However, they are not unattainable, they are supposed to be adopted through certain conditions. TNT called these fellas "restricted", which really meant that TNT are messing with you. Yes, I mean YOU. The names of these guys are the Krawk and the Grundo(which is actually the tapeworm in your intestines. Yes. You.). To get a Krawk, you must capture its smaller clone (which costs too much) and bring it to a disgusting cave known as the "fungus cave" in Krawk Island. The clone will want to eat the so-called mushrooms and will transform to its awesome form as a neopet. As for the Grundo, since it lives in YOU, you have to reach into your anus and pull it out. It becomes your neopet after you recover from your anal injuries.
Real people were once imprisoned and turned into neopets, such as an ugly man named "Mellish" and Macy Gray. Thankfully, TNT saw that humans were utterly useless in doing their bidding, so they let them go to be extinct from Neopia.
[edit] Petpets
Your neopet may raise its own pet, called a petpet. Probably smarter than their master, as seen in their video game for the PSP. They are small and wienieish and could fit into your pocket. Some of them may be hideous and disgusting, but they can't help it, so try not to look at them or tease them too much. Petpets have feelings too, you know. They once had their own little village, named Petpetopia (a gay name, for a gay village), and all was peaceful and serene. Suddenly, a dark force shadowed over their land and told them to surrender to it or face the consequences. Seeing as they're defenseless and weak, they are either stuffed into special Dora The Explorer backpacks filled with 10-week-old omelettes and jelly or they surrendered and were turned into slaves for the uglier, more bigger species.
[edit] Petpetpets
Your Pet's Petpet can also hold hostage a pet of its own, but they have to find it first, which is a great way for Petpets to get off their arses and do something for once.
[edit] Petpetpetpets
If your lucky enough, your Pet's Petpet's Petpetpet can have a pet of their own as well. And then their petpetpetpet can have their own pet, and then the petpetpetpet's petpetpetpetpet has their own pet, etc.
[edit] Petpetpetpetpets
Your Pet's Petpet's Petpetpet's Petpetpetpet can have their own pet as well, as shown from above.
They are extremely evil, and will crawl into your petpetpetpet's ear if your not careful, and mind-control it to possess your petpetpet, which will do the same to your petpet, which will control your pet, which would then, in turn, torture you. Yes. YOU.
[edit] Neopia
This is the world of Neopets. It is rumoured that Osama Bin Laden now lives there. Though of course, he might as well be in hell, doing drugs.
Now for the places in Neopia:
Neopia Neurological Central- This is the place where you get brain washed and become addicted to Neopets. Why else do you think it's called Neurological Center? It's that small little city with the hamburger.
“In Soviet Neopia, hamburgers eat YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Neopets
Terror Mountain- This place is not terrorizing. It's insane. It's the perfect vacation spot for homosexuals and chickens to go skiing, since they can't aford plane tickets or something.
Tyrannia- This is an ugly place with ugly people. Pedestrians speak like this, except with uggs, uggas, args, etc. It is also the only place in Neopia that women leave their armpits unshaved, while men shave theirs instead. Yep. There's also this big, fat, disgusting omelette left rotting under the sun which you have to eat, if you have never eaten human flesh. Hey, look on the bright side. At least it's not eating YOU.
Meridell- A place of long ago. Long, long, long ago, before Earth was created and before God forced his religion upon humanity. It's a bit like Alagaesia, without the elves and the ripoff. According to TNT in a press interview this place was created to remind kids what the world was like before the internet made life worth living. The place also seems to have a history, but really, who cares? This place is similar to Iraq; both are primitive and suffered from civil wars.
Haunted Woods- A place supposed to be scary. And reallly is, because like omg, there are like ghosts of dead n00bs and undead rappers here! Ain't that scary! This place is divided into three sections: The Haunted Woods itself, Deserted Fairground, and the graveyard. It includes the typical roster of scary creatures, which frankly, are not scary anymore, since we all know that undead rappers are afraid of pink panties.
Lost Desert- It really isn't lost. Because this guy found it.
Faerieland- Faeries live here. Faeries are the only creatures having a cleavage here. Unfortunately, all faeries are female. Therefore, they are evil. All of them. Besides those who like to eat neopets, of course. They have magic. The built Faerieland on a cloud and live there. And, apparently, what goes up has to come down, and the mundane and bloodthirsty neopets have waited for centuries already for it to fall, so they could taste Faerie flesh.
Mystery Island- Oooh. Mysterious.
Krawk Island- Pretty straightforward. It's an island. With Krawk. And aar, there are pirates, so as you can see, it rips off a famous Disney movie which is cool. TNT is a bit like Christopher Panino- er, I mean, Paolini.
“We're the Pirates- wha? Of the Carribean- wha?”
~ Captain Jack Sparrow on Krawk Island
Maraqua- It's aquatic. So there's water, and water is important, because you have water in your pee. Long ago, Maraqua was actually that place with the golden in The Little Mermaid. But since TNT is like Panino-err-Paolini, they took it, and killed the little mermaid. Evil bastards.
Roo Island- This place is a mini world. Its inhabitants are Blumaroos, Neopets who eat green shrooms and bounce aroung like a kangaroo on drugs.
Kiko Lake - Same as Roo Island except with Killer Irish Kabala Oranges. And some Jetsam. Which means crap thrown over a ship. The Killer Irish Kabala Oranges eat the crap.
Virtupets Space Station- Sells cheap food, which will give you Grundos in your intestines.
Kreludor- A moon. It spins around Neopia and goes WEEEE. It is inhabited by Grundos looking for a host.
Lutari Island- You have to have a freaking cellphone of either this, this, or this or even this to access this place. But hey, look on the bright side. They have pot.
Altador- Neopet's rip-off of Narnia and Ancient Rome. Nuff said. King Altador is a Black Jesus, only whiter.
Shenkuu- The only place in the Neopets World which doesn't suck balls - but that's only because it looks Asian/hairless and small in style- if you don't believe me, then look for yourself.
Jelly World- YES THIS PLACE EXISTS. But I'm not telling you how to get there. You have to use you brain to get there. However, I doubt you can do that since it's rare for you. The only reason it's "secret" in the first place is because those dick heads (TNT) decide to let the 10 year old kids find it for themselves. TNT needs to get a life and just needs to "unveil" this "secret" place.it was also a place where TNT get to turn themselves into pure jelly.The reason why is because they want to have fun while having sex.
McDonalds World- Whenever Neopets has a promotion with McDonalds, they secretly open up a world called McDonalds World. This world is full of fatty foods kids and dumb neopets can enjoy.
NeoHell- Neopets and TNT who have done bad things go here when they die. Lots of TNT are frozen in here. But wait, do Neopets die in the first place?
NeoHeaven- Unfortunately, a very lonely place considering that no Neopet could ever make it to heaven.
[edit] TNT
These bastards are a bunch of dynamite sticks (hence the name "TNT"). TNT stands for Tommy's Neurological Team. They turn people's neurones(i.e.brain cells, you idiot. what are you, second grade?) and since they're severely retarded, they take drugs and hope to gain intelligence.
However, their intelligence hasn't improved, which means they can never get into college and get a job, so TNT created new games involving gambling to cheat money. Many Neopians enjoyed it However TNT saw this happiness among them. They vowed to never let happiness precede them, so they froze everyone who played. So why did they make it in the first place? A prime example of their IQ being lower than the speed limit.
Inside the imaginary Neopian world, the Neopets team are an atheist organization who terrorize all peace and spread STDs. The only hope is the lesbian faeries, who are the gods in which Neopians pray to. Unfortunately, the faeries are not strong enough, since they are women but not feminists, so TNT can always laugh maniacally and scratch their ass in public. TNT has once tried to build a neoschool for dimwits, but seeing as TNT themselves are dimwits, they cancelled the project.
They are not all bad, surprisingly. Back in November 1999, Adam Powell, the godfather of Neopets, accidentally ate pizzas and kebabs. According to Polish folklore, if one eats pizzas and kebabs, it is sure to be a poison. The reason is the god Pizab absolutely hated pizzas and kebabs, so he poisoned every combination of those two foods. But Adam wasn't poisoned, and instead he came up with an idea to create another universe where he controls everything like a group of madmen. The reason for this is that Adam was abnormal in the sense of health and nutrition.
Once upon a time (which means around 2001),some guy(we shall call him Frank for legal reasons), had finally cracked the Neopets code. He had hacked into one of the TNT's accounts and therefore stole all of their codoms, porn magazines, and/or certain drugs. However, Adam found him and tortured him somewhere near Kenya. Or maybe Soviet Russia. Probably it's in the Philippines, Japan, France or China. I DON'T KNOW!!!! No one has ever heard of him since.
And thus, Adam has taken over the planet and began reading Eragon.
[edit] Plots
TNT sometimes release plot. Most plots eat brains and make people huff kittens.
It sounds fun but it's just a distraction from the usual monotony to prevent players from getting bored out of their brains. But since they do not have brains, it doesn't really matter.
[edit] NeoSchool
Over the years, TNT has been talking about a new feature they are going to implement, which was called NeoSchool. Unfortunately, it was never created. This is probably due to the fact that TNT is extremely lazy, and they like to be idiots instead. It's ok, it would be better to play Halo anyway.
[edit] Currency
The main currency, called Piles of Dung' neopussypoints, is the most precious thing in existence in Neopia. There are numerous ways to accumulate these awesome things, such as playing games, watching porn, selling brain cells on the black market, stealing money from an oh-so-happy tree, or picking up neopoints dropped by some idiot while they're busy being emo and cutting their wrists.
Most users have millions of neopoints through scamming countless n00bs and/or idiots. Adam has about 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 neopoints. That's even more than the number of little boys he raped.
Scamming people to get neopoints is fairly easy, since most Neopets users are dumb. Simply send someone a message saying something along the lines of "d00d g1v3 m3 ur p4ssw0rd 4nd u'll g3t 4 m1ll10n g4j1l1ll10n n3op01ntz". Most methods of scamming commonly used in Habbo Hotel will work on Neopets (with a little modification), since both sites are populated largely by n00bs.
If you get frozen for scamming, simply make another account with the same name, except with an extra number on the end. For example, if your name was "l33ttr0ll4469", you should make a new account called "l33ttr0ll44692". However, it would be wise to do this while the moderators are asleep, so as to give yourself the maximum possible time for scamming, spamming, stamming, shplamming and, uh... jamming.
Another way to get a lot of Neopoints is to hack the site, which the Neopets team claim has never happened and can't be done. The best hacking tool is Notepad.
The only use for neopoints is to buy paintbrushes, which cost a ludicrous amount of money due to the fact that, if used correctly, you will be able to download the beta version of Goldeneye for the Nintendo 64. Unfortunately, nobody knows how to do this.
[edit] Neoboards
Noobs can talk about Neopets-related stuff. Unfortunately most are too dim to understand what the boards are for (except they probably can't spell dim). Therefore, they talk about stuff such as Fall Out Boy or the fact that they think they are vampires. But hey, look on the bright side. We'd all rather talk about Fall Out Boy and vampires than about neopets, right?
Here is a typical Neoboard conversation. Need I say more?
x_faerie_gurl_x: omg my faerie xweetok is lyk sooooooooo cute lol ! poogle_luvver_68: omg i have a faerie xweetok 2 LETS B NEOFREINDS!! x_faerie_gurl_x: ok then but mine iz cuter :p poogle_luvver_68: i cant beleve u jst sed that my pet is crying now! :-( :-( :-( ____Shadow_Dude: Haven't you realized that both of your pets look the same? By the way, they both make me want to vomit! poogle_luvver_68: shutup ____Shadow_Dude: Reported for swearing. x_faerie_gurl_x: OMG U FUKIN BASTARD IM GONNA REPORT U FOR REPORTING MY FREND Bob the Generic n00b: c4n i h4v fr33 p4int brush!! plz XD XD XD
However most people have annoying signatures at the top and bottom of their posts and very tacky font colours, so the above conversation would appear like this:
my pets pwn yours x_faerie_gurl_x: omg my faerie xweetok is lyk sooooooooo cute lol ! lulzProud neo addict
The most popular board is the avatar board. Allow me to explain: hundreds of hours playing on the Neopets site does funny things to people's heads. Previously sane people (such as Michael Jackson) begin to develop strange obsessions. In Michael's case the result was extreme pedophilia, though for most people it is a simple material obsession, and when they read peoples board posts they are bedazzled by the shiny avatar. TNT capitalised on this and invented 'unlockable avatars', knowing that it would keep people playing for longer. A sign of extreme avatar addiction is when a player starts calling them "avvies". The hardest avatar involves sacrificing your petpetpetpet to the rainbow fountain faerie then refreshing the page continuously for a whole week, which gives you a 1% chance of getting it each time.
At some point in the life of any n00b, they will decide they are no longer a n00b, due to some arbitrary reasoning such as having 9,436 avatars. At this point, they will begin a campaign to rid the board of n00bs. They will flame people for using chatspeak and report people for posting in the wrong board. There is a sense of superiority and pride in those n00b flamers. Their efforts never work because, firstly, n00bs sprout up like weeds in the garden of the internet, and secondly, once they talk to someone who doesn't visit role-playing forums and Uncyclopedia, they'll realize they're losers.
[edit] Asparagus Controversy
A controversial problem among users is Adam's abnormal fetish to asparagus. If you even look at one, Adam will turn into a red demon and will drag you to hell. Most of Adam's pets are asparagus, who show signs of unhappiness.
Nobody knew about the history of this addiction until one man named Samuel Wriggins found a document of Adam's past while Adam was taking a piss. It doesn't have any legibility, reminding us that Adam was legally retarded. Luckily, Samuel's cousin's mother's brother's wife's uncle's son's father's sister was a master decoder of these kind of things. The document says that Adam met a mythical deity known as Aspurgis, who invented the asparagus item. This all happened in 1922, so Adam was a little boy at that time. Aspurgis said Adam must eat asparaguses for 6 years straight, then Adam would live forever. Adam was reluctant, but Aspurgis said that if he didn't do this, he would be killed, and not go to heaven. Adam then quickly agreed. Little Adam never ate an asparagus before. So Adam told his mom the whole story, but she didn't believe him. Therefore, Adam killed her. When Adam told this to Aspurgis, Aspurgis frowned. However, Aspurgis knew just the thing to do. He gave Adam a lifetime supply of asparaguses. So Adam slowly took a bite, and found that it was absolutely delicious. After eating 200 he gave Christopher Shyu a big asparagus wand and decided to create the Neopets Mall (AKA meatsink). After eating 500, he became addicted to them. And after six years, Aspurgis granted Adam eternal life. After that, Aspurgis disappeared forever. So Adam started eating other foods, but something was wrong. His mouth wouldn't eat anything else. Until 1999, he could eat other stuff. So now in the Neopian world, Adam will forever be addicted to asparaguses.
About Samuel, Adam found him and put him in prison. After a few years, Samuel died and Adam laughed so hard that Samuel's body exploded. The resulting brain matter from the explosion unfortunately managed to impale/severely retard a group of Harvard graduates, causing the Great Depression of 2043, and create who is now known as Carlos Mencia.
[edit] Miscellaneous Stuff
After careful consideration, Neopets was not named after the rapper Ne Yo, even though it might've given the site decent street cred. Even though once created for bored college students, it is now occupied by kids and various noobs. The sad truth is that The Neogays Team (aka TNT) ruin the site with horrid updates. Revolts and monarchies have been attempted, but to no avail. The reason for this is TNT's addiction to freezing its users. The most common reason for TNT to freeze innocent users is no reason at all. With the creation of the boards those 6-year old players learned they had to play and had riots. Everyone started complaining up storms in the "General Discussion" board, but as the storms gotten fierce, TNT was drastically decreasing in power. Therefore, The "General Discussion" board was ridden and never seen again.
Now, since their website is a complete failure, they keep trying to hack Runescape, the MUCH more successful website that is for straight men and gay girls.
[edit] Referrals
TNT would like as many people to play Neopets as possible, so they have introduced a scheme for a neopians to refer others to join, in return for pathetic rewards, allowing it to spread across the internet like an addictive mind virus. In fact the players are so desperate to earn said rewards that some of them vandalize wiki sites-
JOIN NEOPETS TODAY ITS A GREAT SITE!!!11!!!1shift CLICK HERE!!!
[edit] Neostudios
Hilariously, Viacom have announced that Neopets as a corporation will be changing to Neostudios and will work on new, "exciting" online games and MMORPG crap in addition to Neopets. Makes sense though, the marketing are merchandise are the only regularly updated parts of the site. But consider all the bugs Neopets has, and then consider how much there'll be when TNT's attention is divided across a bazillion other stupid identical games.
[edit] NC mall
The NC mall is where the rich people go to buy clothes just for the fuck of it. They then give it to their Neopets, but shortly commit suicide afterwards. To buy clothes at the NC mall, you need a form of currency called Neoc(r)ash. Now those "smart" people at Neopets say that you'll need some of your hard-earned money to purchase one of these suicide-in-a-cloth, but offer $100-worth of useless currency (yen) and a famous drink (as they call it) called Piss-in-a-Cup each time you purchase one of their "fine" items. No wonder people love seeing their Neopets die. After you buy the clothes, it is taken in 3 months to be used as evidence for any suicide committed in your household, determine if you have raped your pets, and stole any unrelated clothing, leaving you naked in the city streets...alone.
