Network Rail
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“The 10.22 Northern Trains service to London Paddington is delayed, by approximately 4 days, because of leaves on the line”
~ Oscar Wilde on Network Rail
“Please accept our apologies for the severe delay to this service.”
~ Network Rail motto, played on a loop at all railway stations.
Notwork Fail (previously known as Railcack) is a long running English farce designed to emulate hell and thus put the fear of God in to people, so they can all be nice and get along like Sunni's and Shia's in Baghdad and won't need ASBOs.
Since the creation of Notwork Fail and its predecessor, people have started to have similar fears about train travel as air travel, such as "being nervous about leaving the ground".
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[edit] Reducing travel times
There have been several attempts at reducing travel times across the network. One of the first things attempted by the government was to not operate any trains; when there are no trains scheduled, how can they be late? This plan was formerly known as "the reshaping of British Railways", but more commonly as "bollocks" or "the Beaching Axe", so called because it was about as much use a beached whale.
A much later method employed to reduce travel times is to forcibly change peoples destination and cause their journey to terminate earlier. Several renowned success are:
- Paddington
- Hatfield
- Potters Bar
- Grayrigg
Unfortunately such measures generally have generally changed travellers destinations to the nearest hospital, or in some cases has made their destination final.
[edit] Reducing overcrowding
The UK rail network is slightly over-capacity, running at 1472.8% of its design capacity. This is because all of Britain's railways were built between 1643 and 1719, during which time the UK had an average population of 6. The main step to combating this increasingly common spectre is by making rail travel less attractive. Again there have been several attempts at achieving this.
In all honesty my penis could do a better job of running a rail network
[edit] Fiction Author
Network rail are the greatest selling ficiton author in Britain, with their fiction classic, timetable series, even outselling Harry Potter books. However this may be due to the fact that their timetables are the only available thing to read when waiting for a delayed train.
[edit] Cheap Seats
One of the incentives being offered in an attempt to bring back passengers, is the availability of cheap seats. However, the public misunderstood this, thinking that it was cheap to travel by train. The cheap seats inititive is based on the fact that seats are incredibly cheap on a per hour basis, as it takes trains forever to get anywhere.
[edit] Other
blah blah blah this article is british humour but i can't be arsed to insert the tag and it's shit at the moment and i need to work on it more and blah blah and can you put the kettle on and blah blah.... please FFS edit this and make it something half-decent..... feel free to contribute even though i've not really finished, i just ran out of ideas ok
