Neurotypical syndrome
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“Chris, don’t say retard. We prefer to be called ‘little people’ because there is nothing wrong with being mentally challenged. In fact, I’ve learned we are superior, above all you dumb brainy smarties, and one day you will beg us for mercy… and we will consider it.”
~ Peter Griffin on Neurotypical Syndrome
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[edit] Symptoms
Persons with Neurotypical Syndrome, commonly and to a significant degree, display a variety of symptoms of their debilitating condition. Here, some of the most significant ones are summarized.
One of the most striking symptoms, likely to shock and alienate any healthy individual attempting to more than briefly communicate with them, is their acute averseness to honesty; they find it greatly insulting whenever people disrespect them so deeply as to actually tell the truth instead of manipulating them emotionally with blatantly obvious lies. Knowing how other NTs are the same in this regard, such behavior has become the standard among NTs, and they expect not only people of their kind, but others as well, to follow and show their appreciation of it.
Another highly visible symptom is that of their ritualistic activities, such as the rote utterance of phrases of little apparent meaning, particularly in social contexts. Typically, NTs involved in such “conversation” will exchange memorized stock phrases related to things such as the weather or the feelings of themselves and others, showing no interest whatsoever in the responses unless they do not fit the expected pattern, in which case the NTs will be offended by, or ironically, consider the person who made the comment mentally deficient. Other common ritualistic activities include, but are not limited to, excessive use of body language, incoherent shouting and monkey-like vocalizations, (particularly when inebriated in the presence of a pack of fellow NTs) and the obsessive-compulsive performing of strange gestures and uttering of nonsensical phrases, often as part of a religious practice.
[edit] Intellectual Deficits
Persons with NT, when compared to healthy individuals, commonly have a set of distinct intellectual impairments. Apart from a lower average IQ, they show a lack of interest in technicalities, and are as a result remarkably ignorant. In addition, as they generally believe to know all that is of importance, they have few inclinations to search for new information. This brings us to the next issue, arrogance.
Once a person with NT has made up his or her mind, a process typically involving little mental activity, he or she likely refuses to acknowledge even the slightest possibility of being mistaken, no matter how much solid, logical evidence is presented. For some reason, they are however generally very quickly convinced when exposed to emotional manipulation, the standard method of argumentation between NTs.
[edit] Epidemiology
The disease affects as many as 9,600 out of 10,000 individuals, which is clearly alarming, though there are both good and bad news. The good news is that the number of incidences appear to be decreasing; several possible causes for this have been proposed. For example, nutritional improvements in the last few decades may be allowing these poor kids to develop proper neurology. Another possibility is that this is the inevitable result of more and more neurotypicals becoming doctors. The bad news is that there are so many people with Neurotypical syndrome that they have come to take over every area of government and medicine, and may even resort to genetic testing to ensure that only sick people like themselves can exist in the world.
[edit] Treatment
The preferred method of therapy is called Pet Training Applied to Humans (PTAH). (See online manual.) The method basically consists of giving a little food or a sip of a drink after successful completion of a request. To stop an undesirable behavior, one can use aversives. For example, if your child is socializing or talking too much, simply hit him or her firmly in the throat. The undesirable behavior should be extinguished within 10 or 20 applications of this aversive. (or death, but then again, the undesirable behavior should be halted permanently, no?) Contrary to common belief, your child has no right to act neurotypically.
PTAH's effectiveness has been conclusively proven through studies conducted by PTAH-4-Less, Inc. The result of 40 hours a week of child abuse akin to torture careful therapy carried out by professionals for a mere two-year period is impressive; one in two children with NT are forced to begin to present behavior indistinguishable from that of their autistic peers. This, of course, means that they become fully autistic not only behaviorally, but neurologically as well. PTAH has enabled many an NT child to grow into an adult with severe post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and depression issues that can intellectually contribute to civilization, almost to the degree of a wholly healthy individual.
Those who insist on the performing of independent double-blind studies on the effectiveness of PTAH, something that some evidently seriously ill persons with NT for some reason do, need to shut up; clearly, the respectable practitioners and the parents who have their children undergo the therapy know what they are doing.
[edit] Neurology
The disease is characterized by experiences of the soul of humanity looking in from the outside. Since it's so widespread and reality conforms to the consensus of majority, it's considered a normal, healthy state. Agents of disorder must critically examine the consciousness from a vantage point of distance and loudly point it out, by screaming "WAKE UP! YOU'RE LIVING IN A LIE!" in order for the dysfunction to be acknowledged by the majority and thus be considered to exist.
The disorder is believed to stem from distinct anomalies in brain development, including severe overdevelopment of socio-linguistic areas of the brain. These defects are thought to be caused by the consumption of meat infected with foot-and-mouth disease. (note that it's perfectly acceptable to ignore overwhelming scientific evidence that points to a genetic origin in favor of wild speculation)
Oh, and did we mention abnormal and damage? There is clearly bad, bad abnormal damage; much, much damage that is abnormal in nature. Abnormal anomalies in the form of damage are expected to be found. Of course we don't have any actual evidence that the neurological differences observed in a generality of those with NT are due to damage or pathology, but clearly, given how weird persons with NT are, there definitely has to be damage. (oh, there was actually a study recently that examined the brains of persons with NT who had died in car crashes, and the observations concluded that distinct brain trauma indeed was present)
Children with NT, much like lower species, are known to develop relatively quickly. The exact reason for this abnormally fast development are unknown, but one theory that has gained wide acceptance recently suggest that the reduced neuron counts of their abnormally small brains allow them to learn quickly, albeit not particularly well. Children with NT also find themselves unable to properly develop intense and unique interests. (except for sex, and in some cases, sports)
[edit] Prognosis
Lacking normal brains and narrow fields of specialization, persons with NT will be entirely left out from the next step of human evolution and die from loneliness and uselessness. Meanwhile, we who rank higher on the Autism spectrum will enjoy a world without dissonance, without the distraction of multiple conversations at the same time, without lies or pretense, without metaphor or irony; a world where we can completely understand each other. And trust. And love. For ever and ever. Yay.
A few have been known to "recover", i.e. afer exhibiting neurotypical behavior for much of their lives they suddenly decide to become Aspies normal members of society. Thankfully our scientists are looking for a cure as we speak. Hopefully this dreadful disease can be stopped. so far the only way to cure it is with reapepted beatings and if it contuines, euthnasia or mercy killing to end their suffering and the suffering they cause those around them.
[edit] Neurotypical Savants
Despite having severe handicaps in functioning that counts, some Neurotypicals, called neurotypical savants, show higher than average achievement in some areas, usually in the realm of socializing. Some are amazing at shopping, others at gossiping. But unfortunately it comes with the absence of any useful skills, such as logical reasoning or perfect circle drawing.
The most famous example is probably Paris Hilton, who has miraculously managed to have a successful career using just socializing skills. Remarkably, she is unable to do simple things like multiply eight-digit numbers in her head, figure out how to fill out a ballot during an election (as much as she wanted to vote), tell dogs of different breeds apart, or put on (or take off) her own underwear without assistance.
[edit] NT rights movement
But as several expert over-the-internet diagnosticians have pointed out, computer use is inconsistent with a diagnosis of NT syndrome. This vocal minority of alleged persons who have NT promote "doing nothing" about NT syndrome, and would rather let it fester. They oppose life-saving treatment such as PTAH and the Borg assimilation with arguments that border on the ridiculous. These guys are nothing like our poor NT children, and don't know what a pain in the ass it is like to be the parent of one.
We are clearly dealing with a vast conspiracy carried out by lunatics who must have some kind of diagnosis, but definitely not a diagnosis of NT syndrome. In order to deal with this conspiracy, we declare that from now on only NTs with no computer skills are allowed to post comments on the internet.
[edit] NT throughout history and famous NT's
No historical figures were Neurotypical; however, some letters were. Ignoring those, Neurotypicals are typically too busy being neurotypical to actually contribute to society in any way. That's because IT'S A REAL, MENTALLY DEBILITATING DISEASE THAT AFFECTS REAL PEOPLE, DAMMIT.
