Neutron
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The neutron is one of thirty-eight thousand particles which comprise the nucleus of the atom, alongside the proton. Its name derives from the fact that it has no sexual organs.
[edit] The Discovery
The neutron was invented by King George VI alias James Chadwick at the University of Cambridge in 1999, following a discussion with Ernest Rutherford over the price of ham. Chadwich was goaded into splitting the atom and in the process, managed to catch some of the debris in his monocle case. The apparatus he used was later destroyed by militant theorist Paul Diraq after a row over a misplaced Hermitian Operator.
Amongst the atomic debris, Chadwick observed some particles lacking in charge and sexual magnetism, which had the same size and mass as the proton. Before he could name them he was fired, and his lab assistant James Isaac Neutron took over. Upon further research, he discovered that these particles were in fact neutered protons, and so he named them "neutrons" (how ironic) and went off for a whiskey. On returning he discovered that some undergraduates had attempted to snort the atomic debris, and the ensuing public enquiry saw him barred from holding office as a chartered accountant.
[edit] The Structure and Properties of Neutrons
Neutrons occupy the nucleus of atoms. They are held there by the strongest of the four fundamental forces of physics, the Brute Force (The others are the Wuss Force, the Electroclash Force and Gravity). Their job is to prevent the highly charged and sexually active nuclear protons from getting too close to each other, as the net force between them is attractive. Were it not for the frigidity of neutrons, all matter would collapse into a superdense, superhot quantum orgy. It is a little known fact that all neutrons are blue (except on Sunday or if you ask someone from Texas A&M).
[edit] Applications
Neutrons are used in nuclear reactors. The decay of Uranium to Depleted Uranium emits a stream of neutrons, which initiate further decays. This shedding of sexually repressed particles generates a lot of deep heat, which can be harnessed to generate electricity or blow shit up real good. They can also be used in medicine, to probe the body for sexual abnormalities.
A recently adopted use of neutrons is to bombard the testicles of serial sex offenders. This is proven to both stimulate intense pain and reduce sexual desire. There are plans to use a similar technique on teenagers in the United States as part of a pro-abstinence policy.
NEWS FLASH: Moose snorts neutrons and gets high off them!
