New Age

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New Age from Old French Neu Agiuo is the opposite of Old Age.Diagnostic and Statistical Manual for Mental Disorders (DSM-VI) suggests the following criteria for identifying those who are engaged in starting the New Age : (3 of these symptoms suffice for diagnosis)

Burning curious Indian incenses
An inhuman feeling called Unconditional Love
Professionally smoking grass (note : Smoking weed for fun is quite normal and does not count here)
Listening to hard "ethno" trance music with volume set on max
Repeating nonsensical words on a daily basis
Believing that the monitor you are looking at is made of spiritual vibrations
A passion for dance especially Sufi Dance
Reading the books of Aleister Crowley
Ceremonial wanking
Spiritually healing cats or humans
Engagement in Strange and terrible rituals
The ability to see blue , green or orange lights radiating from people
Calling each other brother and sister , the use of the words Frater and Soror counts 2 points
Talking about illumination
Fortunetelling using a strange deck called tarot
Studying Kabbalah (note: for Jews it is normal and does not count here)
Gazing at the full moon
Worshipping John Tesh
Being an initiate i.e not being an uninitiate
Communicating with angels and spirit guides
Important final criteria : If the person is a monk, illuminati or Jungian, he or she should not be diagnosed a new ager under any circumstances.

Statistical studies show that most patients (90.1%) are between 14-23 years of age , 56.3 % are male and 66.6 % are unemployed. The most effective treatments are re-baptism by Christian Catholic church , becoming an Islam or joining Judaic faith by the aid of a seasoned Mohel or Moyle. There is ongoing research on the subject.

1 New Age Travellers
2 Further reading
3 See also
4 Related articles

[edit] New Age Travellers

A New Age Traveller convey of yesteryear

New Age Travellers are known for their uncanny ability to construct time machines from old VW campers, horse boxes and decommissioned ambulances. Though they abide by many of the remits associated with other sections of the new-age suffering population, they have special, additional ethical constraints of their own, chiefly, that although they travel through time the will never, ever, return to a previous temporal location, or "old age."

Other notable effects of their accelerated progression through the 4th Dimension include rapid growth of body and facial hair and advanced deterioration of personal clothing.

It has often been wondered how these itinerants of the timeline achieve their staggering technical achievements with what appears to be such primitive resources. Though shrouded in mystery, the answer is suspected to have something to do with the enormous sound systems installed in their convoys, and more specifically with the nature of the "music" these systems produce. Stripped of anything resembling melody, and consisting of percussive sound devoid of any intricacy, these "rhythms" play at such high velocity and so incessantly that it is speculated the noise actually disrupts the space-time continuum.

It is for this reason that local authorities have taken such an austere view of New Age Travellers, and acted in recent years to eliminate them from the fields and road-side laybays in which they used to be commonly seen.

A New Age time machine occupying a more recent position in temporal space. This one is obviously designed for tunnelling.

This poses a further question of scientific interest: Where have all the new age travellers gone? Once a regular feature of local news, these people seem to have all but vanished from public concern, but a few academic still pursue the issue. One theory is that they were never actually travelling in time at all, but rather using the cover of their "sound-systems" to mask large scale drilling operations, passing the sounds through their speakers, around which they would dance in order to complete the illusion. The argument suggests they were really looking for the entrance to Hollow Earth, and having found it are finally making their way to a land of plenty in which the New Age utopia really exists. Critics of this view often level the accusation that perpetrators are suffering from a New-Age diagnosis themselves.

Whatever the truth, this dying sub-section of society is only rarely seen now, and should you do so, it is advisable to keep driving, lest the number plates of your car suddenly change to those of twenty-year previous and several thousand miles clock up on your dashboard.

[edit] Further reading

New Age psychology, Robert Stone Wilckox, 2005
How to Protect your family from New Ageism, Rabbai Abhraham ben Yasin ben Achad ben Shalome, 1998
Hippie magazines, various editions