Newfoundland and Labrador
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“Either the wallpaper goes, or I move to Newfoundland...”
~ Oscar Wilde on his deathbed.
“It's Newfoundland, not New-Finland, we're not part of Finland.”
~ Newfoundlander on Newfoundland.
| Flag | 
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| Official languages | Newfounese, Mexican, Spanish |
| Capitals | Dildo |
| Exports | Fish, Military arms, Nuclear weapons, Hibernia (cheese factory), Warlocks, Snakes on Several Planes, Hatching, Matching and as once known to export "Dispatching", Jam Jams |
| Most Famous Citizens | His Holiness Sir Rick Mercer |
| Ruling Leader(s) | The 22 Minutes Communist Leader Group |
| Ruling Party | Great Big Sea |
| Intelligence - Total Too High To Measure | Ranked 1st 42 125% |
| Independence - Declared - Recognised - Lost Independence - Lost - Declared | From Kingdom 24 June 66 never Great From Canada April Day 1949 1993 June 4, 1993 |
| Currency | Cod and Beer |
| National anthem | The Night That Patty Murphy Died |
| Motto | How ya gettin on buddy? |
| Length of work hours: | 22 minutes, 22 days a year |
| National Dish | Seal Flipper Pie |
| National Flower | Robin hood |
| Literacy rate | IT'S OVER 9000! (Newfies speak so fast that a single person can put the literacy rate up four or five times) |
| Dialect | Nfniis (spelled "Newfunese") |
Newfoundland is a rainy, chilly, half snowy, yet proud nation within, but certainly not controlled by, the British Empire. Located three and a half hours west of Great Britain by paddle boat it is the most eastern place in North America. A large paddle boat is kept for this purpose in the harbour of the Newfoundland port city, Sin Johns. The capital of Newfoundland, Dildo, is located underwater and is guarded by specially trained baby seals. Newfoundland boasts a variety of attractions and heritage, such as Signal Pill, George Street, Thomas Amusements, and the many drinking spots scattered throughout the cities.
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[edit] Leadership & Power
It is currently ruled by a Communist Dictatorship under the superior leadership of Danny Williams. Newfoundland has been under communist rule since the fish stocks diminished on 14 February 1993. At this time the nation was ruled by Ray O'neil, a troubled man, struggling to survive in his career. A revolution led by Danny Williams and his followers ousted the ruling O'neil party from parliament which occurred on June 4th, 1993. This day has forever been known as "Buckmaster Circle Day" and is celebrated as a national holiday every year. A group of angry fisherman led by Danny Williams gathered their quads, ski-doos and whatever they owned and marched on Buckmaster Circle to destroy the Parliment building located there. After successfully destroying O'neil's rule, Williams quickly established a large military power led by General Joel Greek. With General Greek's ruthless tactics Newfoundland quickly conquered all of Canada in order to rule the most powerful military power in the world. Newfoundland's armed forces are known to be completely immune to all chemical and biological agents due to their heavy consumption of Tim Horton's coffee and Jam Jams. In recent months Newfoundland has developed a vast nuclear weapons department of its military and plans to compete against Korea in a neo-nuclear arms race. This tactic is code named MAY 2-4, and plans to result in as much disaster as the yearly celebration does. Williams has a strong control of the nation and is expected to begin WW3 with General Greek ruling along side him.
[edit] Name
The province of Newfoundland and Labrador was named by John Cabot, the fifteenth century explorer, and his wife Toni Marie Wiseman (inventor of the first colour television). Its name is debatable, however, for various reasons.
- New. Obviously it wasn't really new, in the sense that the Beothuks, a tribe of First Nations persons, had been happily living there for ages. But then again, the Beothuks are all dead now, so arguably it doesn't really matter. Although perhaps we should honour their memory or something. And today, of course, Europeans have been living there for 500 years, and so it's actually 'old' now, especially compared to the rest of Canada. Damn, names are complicated.
- Found. Again, it had already been 'found' before Cabot got there. Although on the other hand, if you're born somewhere, can you 'find' it? I mean, Cabot definitely found the place in the sense that he didn't know it was there before. Damn, names are complicated.
- Land. Well it's definitely land, at least. Although it's kind of watery - all those lakes and raggedly coastlines and stuff mean it's not really 'land' in the sense of a continental landmass, it's .... ah jeez, there I go again...
- and Labrador. Named after a cute dog that Cabot saw when he got there. Phew! At least we can all agree on that one.
[edit] History
The most famous leader of Newfoundland was Joey Smallwood (aka The Great One). Joey Smallwood was a pretentious prick who referred to all leprechauns as "the raggedy-arsed battalion". Joey joined Newfoundland to Canada in 1949 as an April Fools' joke. However, when realizing that the Dominion of Newfoundland was actually joining Canada, a guy called Highlander challenged Joey Smallwood to a duel on Confederation Hill. After Highlander was kicked in the crotch multiple times and anally molested by Smallwood, he was immortalized in the form of stone and Smallwood continued on to join Canada. April 1st is now celebrated as Irony Day in Newfoundland in acknowledgement of the brotherhood the island shares with Highlander-they were both robbed of their manliness and were totally, utterly screwed over that day. The newfoundland national anthem is named after one of their favorite foods cheese. The anthem is known as " Ding Cheesie Cheese ". it is sung at dil tickles, hang over week,( may 2-4), and Buckmaster circle day. This anthem basically represents what all newfies care about, besides booze.
[edit] Culture
[edit] Subcultures
There are 6 basic subcultures of Newfoundland.
Computer Nerd:
The most famous communist party in existence. Instead of gathering in dark places, computer nerds sit alone in their parents basements where they engage in epic battles. These battles are vented through games such as World of Warcraft and Counter-strike. Led by "Mysterious reaver123". The high numbers of Warcraft players in Newfoundland has lead to a high production of "Warlocks" which are often sold by their mothers to third-world countries where they act as Shamans, continuing to add to the ongoing problem of outmigration in Newfoundland.
Call Centre B'y:
A distant cousin of the Newfoundland Computer Nerd is the Call Centre B'y. The Call Centre B'y works in converted fish plants, restored with heritage funding from the provincial government. The Call Centre B'y's main function is to provide telephone assitance, in think Newfounese-accent voices, to frustrated computer users in India, a modern activity based on the traditional outport wireless telegraph call centres started by Guillermo Marconi in 1901.
Skeet:
The popular street culture of Newfoundland is very similar to West Compton, California, with the exception of the average Newfoundlander being 123% more gangster. The thug life for young hustlers in Newfoundland is made especially difficult due to the large population of player haters that try to keep aspiring rappers and gangsters down. The weapon of choice in Newfoundland is the AK-47, frequently handed out in the streets by gang leader Danny Williams The highest concentration of skeet culture is found in "Buckmaster Circle", also known as "the place where you get your head blown off by a sawed-off hanging out the window of a Chrysler Neon". The music scene of the skeet culture includes rap almost exclusively. However, most mainstream rappers like 50 Cent and Snoop Dogg have refused to perform in Newfoundland as it is "too gangster", so the crew has turned to local rapping talent like popular Newfoundland ghetto poet Gerry Kennedy and Harry Hibs (not to mention GaZeebo Unit). Their strong, passionate lyrics dealing with the difficulty of life in the most dangerous place on earth has contributed to his success, along with the fact that any citizen found not owning one of his albums would be personally shot by him and his posse. Skeets are also found to be "Right nuts b'y".
Skully:
The sworn enemy of the skeet is the skully. Also known as "Metalheads", and lead by Steven Jarvis(Or he would like to think), skullies gather in dark places because that's where they can connect closer to their inner self and contemplate the cruelty of humanity while listening to Metallica. They typically dress in dark clothing and wear chains because they are crazy and love to fight. Turf wars frequently break out between skeets and skullies but usually end suddenly due to the skullies knocking them out with there intense fighting maneuvers. while recalling the last Ufc match in there minds and listening to da thrash metal. The government has started a campaign to end the skeets by giving them skate parks and smoking trees because they know that skateboarders and smokers are the Skullys most hated people.
Skemo:
The ever so popular mix between a "Skeet" and an "Emo kid". "Skemo's" typically wear fitted hats with very tight jeans and excessively smoke marijuana and talk about Bring Me The Horizon. Coke has also now become popular in the Skemo subculture, where as they see crazy "circles and squares" and try and get with der girls, by. The typical "Skemo" is also very annoying, singing NOFX songs and talking about WoW.
[edit] Languages, Dialects and Lit'rature
Newfounese is the common dialect here. Although this is roughly based off of the Bay Wop language, the Skeet population are beginning to influence the dialect like, for example, in the sentence "If you steals me quad, den you gets da end of me shank." The best examples of Newfounese can be found in the works of the Newfoundland and Labrador poet laureate Gazebo Unit.
However, when Newfounese is spoken at regular speed is sounds like a long series of Whoops. For example "Whoop Whoo whoop whoop ooop whoop whap", that translates to "Listen leh, i'm right nuts and cut the seat belt out oh my car whap".
In addition, 1337 sp34k is believed to have begun in Newfoundland as a variation of Newfounese.
Example- MAn, thants nowt mah coat, fuck yo coat.
[edit] Twenty Fourth of May
A festival each year commencing on May 24(May TWO-four) to celebrate the melting of their mounds of snow and as a chance to go camping. Many have tried to discourage this event, citing the severe case of cabin fever, excessive consumption of fire water (alcohol) and large gatherings as contributing causes for many deaths annually. But these complaints are often discredited with the assumption that those who die were probably too weak to survive the seasonal migration anyway.
Prior to the events of May 24, a lot of preparation takes place. Large quantities of alcohol are purchased, entire camp sites are booked and houses are prepared for the large numbers of drunkards which will soon fill them. Much of Newfoundlands economy relies on the funds which are invested into May 24 events. An estimated 23 Million is spent each year, even when 50% of the supplies are stolen.
The May 24 celebration begins on top of Signal Hill where a virgin is sacrificed by wind (its quite windy on signal hill). This is followed by thousands of Newfoundlanders rushing to their homes, where they begin to attack their livers with alcohol. The evening consists of house parties or more specifically, kitchen parties. Kitchen parties often involve a dangerous amount of people piled into a single kitchen where they continue to drink, sing traditional May 24 anthems such as "The Pits", consume vast quantities of Jam Jams, collapse that side of the house and have a good time. After 24 hours of kitchen parties, the Newfoundlanders then proceed to their campsites where the party continues. The camping party can take place for anywhere from 3 to 8 days or whenever they run out of beer. Once all "da brews is gan'" and the May 2-4 event is all over, much still goes on. The days after are referred to as "Hangover week" and is now celebrated as another national holiday. This was decided by Joey Smallwood early in the 1900's due to the fact that everyone was far too incapacitated to return to work. The city is left in pandemonium with quad crashes, hospital visits, and numerous boating accidents. This is hows Lukie sank his boat, way back on the 2-4 of '76.
- People in England have reported that during the May 24 Holiday, if you listen really closely, you can actually here the ranting taking place more than 400 miles away.
- Typically the stores sell out of "Uncle Bobby's Lard' Tunderin' Private Stock," the only beer available in NL. Due the fact that all the brews are gone, the city becomes full of angry newfies stumbling around in protest yelling, "Whoop Whoo whoop whoop ooop whoop whap." This roughly translates to, "Whoo Byz's all da brews is gan'." Exept for the secret underground beer made from horses: Black Horse.
- The centuries-old love story of John Cabot and Toni Marie Wiseman is re-enacted in pageant form each May 24th in Trinity, Trinity Bay, by Rising Pride Theatre, Newfoundland's first openly gay theatre company (which largely focuses on the work of Oscar Wilde).
However some say that the 24 of may is a time of song and spring cleaning. Also it is a time for relatives to come home from "away".(NLFD has been expering a loss of population)
[edit] Fast Facts
- National Flag: three vertical stripes - one pink, one green, separated by a white stripe. A nuclear warhead carressed by a codfish located in the center of the flag. It is there to represent the emense power NL holds, and what it lost. The flag was designed by Lord Danny Williams III.
- Time zone: 23.96 days behind GMT
- ITU radio call-sign: There is no radio. Due to the Communist dictatorship messages are played through loudspeakers around the city.
- Country code: 1-709
- National holidays: Hang-Over Week, post-May 24; Buckmaster Circle Day, June 4; Battle of Beau-Mount Hamel Memorial, July 1; Irony Day, April 1st, Dil Tickles
- National Anthem "The Night Paddy Murphy Died" by Great Big Sea
- National Dessert Jam Jams
- National Drink Newfoundland Screech
- National Hero Buddy Wasisname
- National Export Newfies
[edit] Trivia
- Famous landmark - the Raj Mahal, the Province's only blacky.
- Famous female cod jiggin legends including Katie Dobbelsteyn
- the legend Darren Pearcy
- People in Newfoundland get excited when they see Snook on TV.
- You (yes you, me son) have a 96% chance of running into a Newfoundlander, no matter where you go, and a 153.009% chance of running into one in Alberta.
- Famous Newfoundlanders include Jimmy Jones (the crazy traveling man with the master plan).
- The Dominion of Canada has been under Newfoundland occupation since April Fools' Day 1949. Apparently Joey Smallwood (aka The Great One) had suggested that Newfoundland and Labrador annex Canadia as an April Fools' Day prank and the Canadians have yet to catch on that he was only joking.
- It is not uncommon to witness "Newfies" gnawing on raw codfish outside their homes (with a beer of course).
- A lobby group of Labrador Huskies is demanding that the above read "named for three dogs" (the Newfoundland dog, Labrador Retriever and Labrador Husky). This group is organizing themselves under the name "Three Dog Night".
- Newfoundland is the home of the famous Hibernia offshore oil-fields; attempts by the blue-eyed sheiks of Saudi Oilberta to invade Hibernia for its oil dramatically failed when they (and all of their horses) tragically drowned.
- Newfoundland has gained world recognition as the place where Paul McCartney wasn't.
- It is quite possible that one day, sooner or later, Newfoundland will launch a war of independence against Ottawa. They will form an underground resistance movement called "The Army of Smallwood", which will be sure to get the Canadians quaking in their pants.
- Due to Newfoundland's climate, there are no vampires (except of course, for Joey Smallwood).
- The island of Newfoundland is actually on a free floating oil platform that can be moved at anytime.
- There is actually a town called Dildo located there. And believe me when I say it lives up to its name. There is also a town called Badger.
- There is also a community called Leading Tickles and once a year, the people from Leading Tickles and Dildo gather and perform secret rituals which have never been documented. This event is unoficially referred to as "Dil Tickles".
- Newfoundland's national sport is shinny and it is the most popular sport during the season of Misery.
- Corey Merrigan was here
- Misery is the longest season in Newfoundland and lasts from September 21 to May 2-4.
- Newfoundland has the lowest rate of teen drug usage in Canada due to children being urged to start drinking as soon as possible. Pregnant women must start drinking as soon as possible so that the infant is ready to crack it's first beer with their father.
- Field parties are a popular substitute for your every-day house party.
- Newfoundland is the only province to have a provincial beer. Actually 2. It is known as "Uncle Bobby's Lard' Tunderin' Private Stock." and "Black Horse."
- Four-wheelers, Ski-doos, and dories outnumber cars 1000 to 1.
- Trikes Are illegal
- The honourable Paul S. Fowler founded Newfoundland in 1985 whilst in a drunken stupor. It was an accident.
- A boat service allows for travel between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia. The boat is known as Lukie's Boat.
- Lukie's boat was never actually painted green. It was at one time white, but the harbour stained it.
- Recently citizen Jeffrey Lush has won his record 8th straight biggest faggot ever to grace the walls of booth memorial award. -DD
- The water in Sin Johns harbour is so dirty, that it is considered by other nations as a Weapon of mass destruction
- Sea gull meat is considered a delicacy
- 3 other locations in Newfoundland made this list as well.
- These locations are the Bubble(Sin Johns harbour), Sears Town during May 24, and Leading Tickles during the national holiday Dil Tickles
- Newfoundland's communist government are firm believers of capital punishment. The most popular sentence is "death bah bootin' in da harbour". This involves a sack being placed over the convicted's head and someone kicking the convicted into the sewage and seal infested harbour. Most people do not last longer than 3 minutes in the harbour due to the ferocity of the seals.
- The 2006 box-office masterpiece "Snakes on a Plane" was set in Newfoundland. There was a typo in the script so the cast said "Hawaii" instead of Newfoundland. The snakes were the last shipment being exported from Newfoundland, resulting in Newfoundland being completly snake-free.
- Sparta's 300 were actually Newfoundlanders on summer holiday.
- Gonzaga High School does not have recess, as the children in that school are not competent enough to feed themselves, thus they have to wait until 12:00 (11:30 in Labrador) for the lunch lady to spoon feed them. This Ritual takes about 4 hours.
- Booth Memorial High School has a bunch of people that dwell in the cavernous "emo hall". The worst of the group being located nearest the stairway coming from the cafeteria. Try not to make contact with the 4-5 girls that usually sit there!
- The Chamber of Secrets is ACTUALLY located within Holy Hearts auditorium.
- "Stump" is an icon within the walls of RL and NRL (Not real life).
- BK (BlueKaffee) is the basis of any social interaction amongst teenagers living within Newfoundland. If it was not for this shitastic website people such as "Johnny Boy" would have never seen the light of day.
- The only 2 native species to live in Sin Johns harbour are the the "Man Eatin Seals" and the "Great White Latex Jelly Fish" often reaching lengths of up to SEVEN FEET!
- O'donel highschool consists mostly of people with the IQ of a donkey.
- Fort McMurray, Alberta is Newfoundland's largest city
- O'Donel is the school for people too dumb to get in Mount Pearl Senior High
- A popular newfie past time is clubbing Heather Mills
- The Newfie Aaron Hall was made famous when Disney sued him for copyright infringment. He claimed he was "...bigger, faster, stronger and better at Halo..." which according to Disney was "A page out of the Mighty Ducks 2 script with a video game replacing a real sport". Disney also claimed homosexuality as a copyright of the company's, leading to a lawsuit demanding for 17 years worth of royalties from Aaron.
- Harbour Grace is the most prosperus city in the province.
- Tourists are warned to stay away from the area of St. John's known as "Kilbride". Unless you wanna get stabbed.
- Whatever kid from Booth Memorial HS who took the time to do this up is more than likely a tard who probably deserves to die, but still he made a good job of Newfoundland.
[edit] See Also
