Liberals
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They may even work in Local government or, worse, be an unelected eurocrat. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Mail. (Pstt. He's probably also a commie as well; quick - tell HUAC!)
They may even work at Focus on the Family, be a hard-working farmer, or, worse, be an unelected conservative activist judge.
For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Kos.
(Psst. He's probably also a Nazi; quick! Play the race card!)
- This article is about the dictionary definition of a liberal. Here’s an article about present day American liberals.
“There are a lot of them dirty liberals in that Canada place!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Liberals
“Of course criminals obey gun laws! That's why they're called criminals!”
~ Liberals on Gun Control
Liberalism is an ideology, philosophical view, and political tradition which holds that staying in bed until 12:00 pm is the primary guiding force of life.
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The birth of liberalism
There Was None, they were aborted.... AND THEY LIKED IT!!
Liberalism began in 1791 when a porn actor, Thomas In The Arse, started the The Daily Mail. The Daily Mail encourages hostility to anyone who isn't a white middle class wanna be snob living in a detached house in the countryside. This was the typical liberal stance for many years. He laid out the liberal ideals in his groundbreaking treatise The Rights of White Man. He was dyslexic so his grammar was fairly poor.
Paine and other English liberals at the time were also strong advocates of complaining and whining about how ruthless the world is and complaining about the plight of humans, animals, plants, protozoa, prokaryotes, virus', nucleic acids, water molecules, protons, quarks, gluons, resonating strings and every living and non-living piece of matter that has ever existed and ever will exist. Sometimes they use this compassion to gain votes or show off; and sometimes they get a life too.
Liberals around the world today
The United States
An American liberal is a person who hates America, their parents, and everything that is pure and holy. Since according to the polls (no, not people from Poland, I mean surveys) roughly 50% of Americans are liberal leaning, it seems that half of the residents of the USA hate their own country. Whether or not this means they hate the layers of rock that make up the landmass of the United States, or if they hate the citizens of the United States (including themselves and all their friends and allies) is unknown.
After FDR got elected into office, American Liberalism was highly influenced by social programs and introduced welfare and social security and made sure that everyone had a job, regardless of their incompetence. They helped form the Unions and invented the weekend and sick days. Before that conservatives forced people to work when sick, and even work on the weekends, and if you got too sick to work you ended up homeless and poor. While conservatives like to give tax cuts, liberals like to give out free money to the poor and needy while raising taxes on the rich who can afford to pay a few more percentage points annually and still be billionaires. As a result a lot of American Liberals call themselves Social Conservatives.
The Statue of Liberty has a name which suggests that she upholds the liberal principle of surrendering. She’s obviously French, and the message at her base promises letting every darkie come into the country unannounced. When she came to New York, United States loved France and hated the UK - they've "flip-flopped" since those days. According to the Grandfather of All Knowledge, liberals can't ever be trusted. Liberals claim that they can be trusted, because after all they have bleeding hearts, and anyone who isn't a liberal is against liberty and must be a dick instead or maybe a tyrant.
Psychiatric health care professionals note that the use of the word 'liberal' as a noun classifier (e.g., 'liberal media' and 'liberal Democrats'), as well as its pronunciation as a two syllable word, 'librul', both closely correspond to severe mental retardation. Some Psychiatrists in the APA label Liberalism as a mental illness at the advice of Michael Savage, but most Liberals just claim that is the way their mind is wired, opposite of a Conservative and it is the Conservatives who are mentally ill not Liberals. In the USA Liberals call Conservatives and other right-wingers as Neocons, even the Libertarians. This is known as Liberal Disease, in which case all Non-Liberals are considered Neocons, even moderates, independents, and other third parties such as the Green Party and the Reform Party. Yet for some strange reason they consider communists as liberals, because liberalism isn't that different from communism anyway.
The United Kingdom
There is no official liberal party in Britain today. The liberal party combined with the Nazi Dictator Party in 1988 (Please see the section below on Europe for the reason why) and formed the Liberal Democrats. The former Fuhrer of the Liberal Democrat party, Charles Kennedy, was an alcoholic. But they’ve been taken over by 65 year old Ming “the Merciless Campbell”, also known as Grandpa Ming, who is about as boring as they come. (and since they are so boring they don't come very often - except when they're on their own in their bedrooms)
The modern English liberal movement is run by the noted intellectual and expert zoo keeper Borris "the blade" Johnson of the UK Liberal party, also known as the UK Conservative party (UK politicians get a bit mixed up about their parties political leanings - look at the "new" labour party). In fact when it comes to US politics, most UK Citizens seem to think that Liberals and Conservatives in the USA, are the same thing and say "I can't believe it's not Liberalism!" as US Liberals and US Conservatives seem to be the exact same sort of people to them. Bleeding Yanks, always tossing off in Congress and wanking off with interns, it is a wonder they get any bills passed. Republicans and Democrats alike, are the same sort of people, even if they do call each other a liberal or conservative. Although when they do go to war, for some strange reason, the UK always seems to back them up anyway even if the UN is against it.
Europe
A lot of European liberals first got their start out as Nazis during World War II. Nazi is actually German for National Socialism, and was a movement to bring liberty to Europe and united it by taking it over and killing and invading anyone who disagreed with them. IBM played a good role for Nazi Germany by developing the computer technology for them to use in tanks, airplanes, rockets, u-boats, and concentration camps (those tattoos were IBM barcodes). Hitler wanted to help the world, but somehow the OS/2 driven machines twisted his orders for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness into death and destruction. Should have used Macintosh Computers instead Adolph, that was a mistake. World War II happened due to a miscommunication between Adolph Hitler and Winston Churchill. Hitler was using V2 rockets to send messages to Churchill and launched them at the UK in hopes that Churchill would find the letters he wrote inside. Messages like "I like you Winston, let us meet in Poland and have a few beers and exchange ideas to spread equality and liberty throughout Europe." which Hitler's men accidentally sent explosive charges as the deadweight in the rockets to deliver the messages. The meeting was to take place in Poland, but Poland didn't want equality and liberty and tried to keep Hitler out, so he invaded Poland to go there and wait for Churchill, and then he thought maybe Churchill wanted to meet him in France instead, but Western Europe would not let Hitler travel there, so he had to keep invading countries to get to France, and then France surrendered. By that time Churchill misunderstood what Hitler was up to and called in some of his allies, and Hitler had to call in some of his allies to meet Churchill's allies and one thing lead to another, and then Japan accidentally crashed a few planes into Pearl Harbor when their pilots got drunk on Saki near Hawaii, and well, it was one big mess. Hitler felt so bad about it, that he shot himself in the head and committed suicide. But before he died, he had liberated most of Europe from conservative tyrants like himself by committing suicide. After Hitler killed himself he became the first European liberal and brought peace to Europe, and this lead to one big left-wing liberal movement in Europe and eventually they founded the EU as a result. Ironically most of the socialist programs that Hitler wanted to implement in Europe got implemented anyway.
France
French liberals are strong and confident; especially when dealing with Germans. Since they are liberal they hate money, and lost a great deal of money in 1940 due to careless defensive strategies. To their credit, they sold lot of cheese to renew their economy. Russia, the United States and the United Kingdom helped them out in 1945 and they were very grateful then, and to this day, and always cooperate with those countries – as liberals always do.
Symptoms of Liberalism
- An irrational desire to disregard democratic principles such as freedom of speech and on, you know, liberty?
- Tree hugging
- Socialism (the Communists are liberals you know).
- Developing Free Radicals - very bad for health.
- Kitten huffing.
- Enjoyment of campy, American 1950's humor.
- Pretending to be British.
- Having more then 20 gigs of porn on your hard drive. (10 gigs if you're into Beast or bdsm)
- Pretending to be Canadian (since they're even more liberal than the fags in England).
- Liberals hate liberty. Socialists hate socialism. Capitalists hate capitalism. Bender the robot loves logical paradoxes and set theory. Nihilists don't care one way or the other. Anarchists support governments.
- Like to think they are friends of blacks, who laugh at them incessantly (probably because they're always stoned and they laugh at anything).
- Eternal feelings of disappointment on the morning of the "first Wednesday after the first Monday in November every two years" (excluding the years 1992, 1996 and 20006 of course)
- Telling the lies under oath. (See Bill Clinton. Republicans, like George Bush don't have to answer questions while under oath.)
- Using a Macintosh.
- Driving a Prius.
- Owning an iPod.
- Watching PBS or listening to NPR, and then posting about it on their blogs.
- Writing biased left-wing propaganda on Wikipedia, everyone knows that the conservatives write biased right-wing propaganda on Conservapedia and avoid Wikipedia.
- Protesting something, anything, only Liberals protest, because Conservatives are too busy tracking how much money they make with stocks in oil, or technology, that the Liberals keep consuming anyway. Liberals are so poor because they spend most of their money on gas to drive to places to protest, and for materials they use to protest with.
- Hating Religion, because it competes with Liberalism as a form of brainwashing.
- Carrying a flash memory drive with a capacity of at least 1 GB at all times.
- Try to legalize gay marriage to win the votes of homosexuals and tick off the conservatives. (Up until that point all homosexuals voted for conservatives you see, reference: Log Cabin Republicans (aka Homosexual Conservatives) [1])
- Support terrorists and call them freedom fighters, and also dedicate Space Shuttle Columbia journeys to their fight against the imperial invaders (1982, Ronald Reagan, Afghan Mujahideen “freedom fighters” [2] fighting against the communist invasion of Afghanistan in the 1980s), while at the same time calling the US and UK government the real terrorists. Also claim that most terrorist acts are false flag operations lead by governments to trick their people into war with middle-eastern nations over oil rights.
Freedom is Slavery anyway
Of course conservatives supposedly don't believe people have the right to freedom the same way liberals do. It is some times confusing why US conservatives mock their political opponents by telling them they support freedom. Though there are differences between freedom and freedom. No matter who you elect in office, though, chances are you are going to get screwed one way or the other. After all, the Liberal Congress votes up bills like the US Patriot Act for the Conservative George W. Bush, and then act all surprised that the Patriot Act allows warrantless wiretapping, waterboarding torture, the suspension of habeas corpus, and amends the US Constitution making it practically null and void. If only they voted against the Patriot Act and the Bill to go to war with Iraq. Wait, why did they vote for those things anyway instead of voting them down or filibustering them? What was their excuse again? Oh yeah George W. Bush who is also retarded and a moron, tricked them into voting for those bills? How you may ask does a retarded moron like George W. Bush trick anyone into voting for such obvious bills that take away rights and freedoms and give a blank check to invade a country that doesn't have weapons of mass destruction? Very easy, because those Liberals in Congress are even dumber than George W. Bush is anyway. Obviously they don't know how to read, or else they would have read those bills more carefully before voting on them. Just who elected stupid people to the White House and Congress? The average US Citizen that is so stupid they don't know how to use a voting machine properly and vote for the wrong politician. I swear it happened one time in Florida when a bunch of Senior Citizens voted on the wrong line and had such problems as "hanging chads" that this is not even made up. In Texas and other red states the rednecks (who have a majority of the population in the red states) voted for Bush because they thought they were voting for their favorite beer and beer maker. They thought Gore was Coors, and that Kerry was Miller Lite, and that a vote for Bush was for Anheuser Busch, the makers of Budweiser brand of beers that they drink a lot of before voting, and went in very drunk and then voted anyway, because the natural state of rednecks is being drunk. Besides one of the colors of Budweiser is red anyway.
References
True facts and other reliable liberal sources on the Internet - the only place to go for reliable information:
