New Math
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- This article is about New Math. If that's not sufficiently confusing, see New math (ambiguation).
“It's like having three French soldiers walk onto a battlefield and not seeing them running back waving a white shirt!”
~ Oscar Wilde on New Math
“New Math? Well, nothing tastes better!”
~ Late Night Commercial on Hotel Hilton de Paris
New Maths makes the impossible possible. It has often been said (by Tom Lehrer) that it is so simple that "only a child can do it". It allows corporations like Enron to balance their books, and turn a loss into a profit. It facilitates the sale of imaginary power to power virtual memory chips. Intel first began integrating technology developed from this new paradigm into the floating-point math subsection of their Pentium microprocessors in 1994. It even helps the God-Fearing Republicans get elected into office. Only stupid people have made New Maths possible.
Alternate names include fuzzy maths, discrete maths, stupid maths, creative accounting, statistics, and it doesn't matter what your answer is so long as you feel good about it maths. For example, if you were asked to multiply 5x5, and you got 9,305,888, you would still be right, so long as you thought you understood what you were doing! This type of maths is usually supported by whiney relativists who can't handle ever being wrong.
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[edit] Conversion
The correct rule for New Maths under Algebra (a section of old Math) is a+c=b. The symbols are as follows:
- a is the value of the left side of the equals sign (=)
- b is the value of the right side of the equals sign (still =)
- c is a special value which, when added to a, makes it equal b
Because of this, New Maths can be incorporated into everyday life. Fortunately, nobody needs to know what c is; it works itself out, and always makes it correct.
[edit] Set-theoretical approach
To make New Math easier for young aspiring minds, all cumbersome Arabian numbers will be replaced by the process of Von Neumann ordinal construction, thereby conveniently providing a logical and concise notion of what a natural number is (not to mention will teach those brats some mathematical thinking):
- O (zero) will be written as {}
- n will be written as (n-1) u {n-1} (i.e. the set of all numbers preceding n)
Thus, small everyday numbers can be expressed as elegant strings of {'s and }'s and ,'s; for example:
- 9 = {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}, {{}, {{}}, {{}, {{}}}}}}}}}}
So-called "real numbers" will be banned, as they are an abomination made up by the worldwide Fucking Japanese League.
[edit] Popularity
New Math is becoming more and more popular; especially amongst brain-dead math students. The popular mathematician Schwerin Hultein claimed that old math was “like so last year”, however Acid maths is quickly outperforming New Math.
[edit] History
New math was created in {{{}}{}{{{{{}}{}}{}}} due to the failure of old math in {{{}}{}{{{{{}}{}}{}}{}} in Leeds, England (where the subject was called Maths, or Mathematicalness for short). The student was thought to have proved that the numbers {},{{}} and {{}{}}} are all works of fiction created by the Government of Austria, he was quoted to say, "Well once i saw that {{}{{}}}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{}-{} was around about {{}{{}}{}{}}{{}}{}{{{}}{}}{}}}}} I knew I had proved that there needed to be a new maths system invented where numbers like Menta and Thebanon were used everday." He went on to say that his supported the work of the new Prime minister Boris Johnson who was being kept alive by the wonder of new math and that he loved the work of "Good old Oscar."
[edit] Famous new math equations
- Euler’s WMD equation:
- This is an equation to determine which countries have real WMD (Israel) or imaginary WMD (Iraq). An equivalent way of representing this is I + Ii
- 3 x 6douche = 16
- Formula for determining the value of douche (0.934264). This number is equivalent to The Meaning of Life + θ. This means that The Meaning of Life is equal to 0.934264 – θ. Unfortunately nobody knows the value of θ.
- 2 - 3 = -FUN!
- The title of an educational video on new math featuring Troy Maclure.
[edit] See also
- Tom Lehrer
- Bush Math
- Stupid
- PI equals exactly three
- George W. Bush
- God-Fearing Republicans
- Irrational numbers
- newmaths
- gnu maths
- Imaginary power
- Virtual memory
- Uncountability
- Fiction
- Voodoo Math
