New USSR
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Motto: Country by today, Planet by tomorrow | |||||
| Anthem: The Imperial March | |||||
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| Capital | Petropavlovsk-Kamchatskiy (2021-2023) New Moscow (2023-infinity) | ||||
| Largest city | Irkutsk | ||||
| Official languages | the Neo-Communist Russian dialect (close to Siberian language) | ||||
| Government | Neo-Communism | ||||
| -Generalissimus | Comrade Zombie Lenin | ||||
| -General Premier | Comrade Zombie Trotsky | ||||
| Average temperature | −289 °C | ||||
| Maximum temperature | −288 °C | ||||
| Ethnic groups | Neo-Communists and Anti-Communists | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Jimmie Page, Iron Man, Soviet Superman and Lola | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | November 2017 - infinity | ||||
| Currency | Stolichnaya | ||||
| Religion | None, only the Party | ||||
| Major exports | Things that the whole World depends on (probably drugs, right?) | ||||
| Major imports | New USSR needs nothing from you, jerks! | ||||
| Favourite pastime | A completely sober and planified thinking about conquering the World | ||||
“In New USSR little boy rapes you. Oh my!”
~ Oscar Wilde on New USSR
“In Soviet Russia- gkkkKKTTT!!!”
~ Russian Reversal on messing with NUSSR
“Shit. Not again...”
~ Adolf Hitler on New USSR
“I know, right?”
~ Napoleon Bonaparte on Adolf Hitler on New USSR
The New Union of Soviet Socialist Republics (abbreviated NUSSR) more commonly known as the Neo-Soviet Union, will be a new empire to separate itself from Russia with the Constitution of 2021 and oppose itself once more to the United States along with the Middle East and Unamerica. More likely, the NUSSR will also try to conquer the whole World by mid-21st century. So if you currently are or will be, by the time, another USA President, don't even think of messing with those guys, because this time will be for real!
NUSSR will also be the only known to Martians country to unscathedly survive the Nuclear Crisis of 2029 and even manage to save Earth from total devastation more likely due to the quinquenal plans of "papier-mâché" technique taken from XXI century philosophers Pinky and the Brain.
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[edit] Geography
NUSSR will be located in the Eastern part of actual Russia, spreading across over 10 000 feet from Kamchatka Archipelago to South-Western Siberian Taiga. The boundaries will be defined by the Arctic Sea to the North, Bering Sea to the East, China and Mongolia to the South and Ural mountains to the South-West (Russia). The Great Communist Wall will be constucted along the last aforementioned boundary, much like the Great Wall of China, in order to protect NUSSRians from the spread of putinism, moscovism and New Russian snobism of their progenitors. Untill 2023 when the NUSSR will invade and defeat the the western Russian menace and restor communism to all of Russia.
[edit] History
As the economic and political situation between Western Russia (Moscow & St-Petersburgh) and Eastern Russia (the rest) have always been defines as an object of constant revolts, clashes and other not very important balooney, Siberians have decided to claim their territory as economically and politically equal regime-governed republic. Several republics, in fact. And, as putinist Moscow was growining into a more and more influencing megapolis, one man of the Eastern Russia raised his flag to protest against outgrowing democracy of rich by the means of proletarian power of poor (yada, yada, yada, just as it was done in 2017. This man was (or will be, oh wait, he actually IS) named Zombie Lenin, who ironicaly was unthawed by Comrade Putin in 2010 on a dare, the blah-blah...
Anyway, this guy had a dream. And first paid a visit to Putin, in 2015, to debate with the current 'Yabloko' Party over a question of the west loyalty to the prolaterian struggle. Putin avoided answering the question directly by saying he was not a papaya and that the toast was very burned, to which Zombie Lenin replied that putin was am evil master debater. He was quickly arrested by Putin, despite the fake belief of 'free speech democracy' regime.
One day later, Zombie Lenin was back to State, this time with his Bolchevik party, once again, concert on his dream like all normal civilized republican nations do. Putin did not give a rubble. Yuri had then to use his "special" powers acquired during his visit to Magadan in order to convince the President. Russia was separated into two territories, and new structures such as walls, barracks, war factories and Tesla coils, made their appearance between them.
It was found out two months later, however, that Putin never suffered from mind-control techniques. His was just so tired of this annoying bald Lenin wannabe dancing kazachok on his table, that he just decided to imitate total obedience. NUSSR was however placed under strict Russian Federation control, the REAL one this time, but, as tendencies were slowly overhtrown by proletarians, it soon reversed (In NUSSR, Russian Reversal reverses Russia!!) back and took fnal and firm possession of its marked lands. Hence, a new nation in the World was formed (ta-da!).
[edit] Government
The main aims of the New USSR are as follows:
- To re-instate Russian Reversal, already in full use in the country. (Eg: In Soviet Russia, keyboard plays YOU!!) Nobody yet knows quite how they will do this, but they will, apparently, find a way or "a way finds YOU!!" Except those damn Yankees, they always slip away by blending in with there surrounding.
- To expand the current Union to former glory (see above).
- To encourage people to join them in their country. They will do this by issuing t-shirts, advertisements and a all-out leaflet campaign in 3 languages. These are, according to the spokesman at the press-conference, the short term aims. Long term aims include invasion and general mass-murder.
- To acquire technology for nuclear devices. They are reported to have started small, by building highly advance paper water bombs (origami-style). The US Government seem to take this threat seriously, and are monitoring the situation very closely.
- To create a Slavic version of Menudo
[edit] Future Plans
In Plans released in 2001, the New USSR plans to expand to at the very least two coastlines of the surrounding country and "return it to it's former misery". Many have speculated that this will fail miserably, and have regarded it as a joke. The New USSR, however, take a different view, and has announced that they will carry out these plans next year (2008)but have failed to do so, but have planned next year (2009).
[edit] New USSR in the News
The following are extracts from newspapers that include the New USSR.
New USSR Army Victorious in Act of Invasion
The New USSR Army Victorious in a climatic battle in Central Russia. It is believed that the army was planning to take one of the major cities,and got very far. At least two hundred metres from the borders of their country, the army (approximately 5) was Confronted by a battalion of Conservatives,which happened to be passing at the time, Attacked, The communists quickly revealed their weakness of Zombies and had Zombie Lenin and Troksky quickly annialate the conservatives leaveing just enough time for a mexican style brain fiesta. The Neo-Cons are reported to have fled to the safety of their borders, leaving behind 3 men and a scene of devastation. George Bush had this to say " Our strategery didnt win us the battle" afterwards he asked to be craddled by his mother and then took a nap.
