New Waterford, Nova Scotia
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“We're going to rock down to Electrician Avenue and then we'll take it higher”
~ Oscar Wilde on his trip to New Waterford in 2006
The corner of Emperor Street and Electrician Avenue. Because of budget cutbacks the town couldn't afford the last three letters in Electrician. This corner is also the workplace of many in the successful prostitute industry.
New Waterford, Nova Scotia is a beautiful resort town located on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean, although not as beautiful as Dominion, still it's alright. It is located between the two megacities of Glace Bay and Sydney, Nova Scotia. It is known for its low crime rate, clean-living lifestyle, and high rates of sexual abstinence outside of marriage and teenage virginity. Most of the businesses in town are located on the main street in New Waterford, Electrician Avenue. There are no bars in New Waterford because no people there drink, especially the honorable man Jack Duggan.
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[edit] New Waterford Morality
New Waterford is the most moral place on Cape Breton Island because none of the girls in the town lose their virginity before marriage and none give birth out of wedlock. No one in New Waterford is an alcoholic. Marijuana is only smoked for medicinal purposes and all of the children in town follow an eight thirty curfew which is enforced by a wailing siren..which usually scares the fucking living shit out of everyone who visits there. Also, be warned of the notorious Basil Totten, the lawnchair stealing outlaw, who robs you of the most prized possessions around... Oil Tanks
pretty funny because i am going to kill every one who wrote on this thing i will come to ur house and slice every one of your throats while you are sleeping
[edit] Education
New Waterford is known for its prestigious private school, BEC which is the most highest rated school in Canada for school quality and students from BEC outperform other students by about 10 points in university compared to other students across the country. Many students from BEC go to the University of Crayons and Colouring Books located outside of town on the Glace Bay-Sydney expressway.
Breton Education Centre has superb programs in both academics and athletics and has a successful girls hockey team, the Breton Education Centre Virgins. Many of BEC's graduating class go on to get M.Ds, Phds, UFC's, MMA's and KFCs from the nearby University of Crayons and Colouring Books.
Although BEC only goes to grade 7 , someday residents hope to have someone who completes it and it is rumored they will all save their recyclables in order to provide bus fare out of town to continue to Grade 8
[edit] Sports
New Waterford has been known to pump out many NHL stars such as Mats Sundin, Patrick Roy, and of course Vladislav Tretiak, all with the help of legendary coach, Frankie Bursey. They also have a successful girls high school hockey team, the Breton Education Centre Virgins.(This is the area resposible for the saying "all that comes out of New Waterford is whores and hockey players.. What position does your mother play??") A lot of people in New Waterford From BEC(barelie edukatet childrean) play the game school bag, its a great game! It's when you take a really heavy school bag and whip it at someones head at like 100 miles an hour, if they don't catch it, every one biffs there school bags at the persons head. New Waterford has also produced such NBA all-stars as Darryl'R Rich. Another famous athlete to rise from New Waterford is former Pro Skateboarder "Big Air" Bwair, who is known for creating such tricks as the Boo Fling. In other news.... Recently The Bec Bears lost for there 26th time in the 26th annual coal bowl classic. New Waterford is also known for housing the famous Rack N Roll Men's Dart League. Thousands of fans turn out early on Tuesday nights to watch these great athletes in all their beer swilling glory. Star shooters like like Robb Racki, Sandy Harte, Gary Warburton Jr and Gary (The Sperminator) Thistle are just a few of the legendary players who shoot there. Another big name is Chris Gatza who recently signed a 2 year contract extension worth over 22 million dollars a season to remain in the league. ASS RAPE!!!
[edit] Boogasm
The boogasm is a loud howling that can be heard nighty at 8:30pm in New Waterford and the surrounding area. The New Waterford Volunteer Fire Department wants you to believe that this is the sound of them sounding their air raid siren, but anyone well versed in local folk lore is sure as there is shit in a cat that this sound comes from the Polar Bwair. (See below)
[edit] Wildlife
New Waterford is populated by various forms of wildlife including Glen, Tubby, Walter, octopuses, laurapuses, Mousie & Brousie, pussdawgs, hotdogs, and virgins, manbearpig and even manbearpig`s cousin turkeywolfdragon, Polar Bwair, and Sleepy. and if you are attacked by black civics they are only out for your gold. Also if attacked by a man driving a bicycle with 6 foot long forks be aware... he may and will answer to "Bosco". Tim Hortons was also under suspicion of creatures using the bathroom for something other then number 1 or 2, it was said that spoons and rigs have been found in the flower pots.
[edit] Politics
The town of New Waterford is run by mayor R.Fougere and her two assistants Pearl and Allie. Anyone who messed with the regime will find themselves chomped on by Pearl's and Allie's teeth or stomped on by their hooves. Allie recently passed away but Pearl still guards the city gates and will savagely attack any trespassers.
[edit] Recreational Activities
"Obv", New Waterford is a town well known for its great fishing and fishing spots. Normal fishing hours are from 7:30am to 7:30pm daily. As well as once a year motorcycle festival, Which consists of large groups of sober bikers pulling their motorcycles onto the docks and casting out, putting their poles in between the spokes of the bikes and catching a nap (not passing out cause they don't drink either) on the dock. However as a polite gesture for the town the bikers also follow the 8:30 curfew rule. Then at 8:32pm everyone gathers in their homes to watch Degrassi, the pride of both Canada and New Waterford. When Degrassi People get into there 4x4's with loaded rifles an go jacking deer moose an jackalope If they catch nothing there then its off diving for lobster sense most people have the crabs in the ndub. Another recreational activity we have are shooting and driving over squirrels with our flatbeds and rifles.
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[edit] Fashion
New Waterford has always been known for its voracious progress in world fashion; particularly, hairstyles. Recently ET Canada referred to New Waterford as only second to Paris, France for its creativity and originality. The "fluffet", originating through Liza Minelli as seen in the Reader's Digest..sporting this GORGEOUS hairstyle would be a hottie from town named Zombie and her equally as hot older sister.
[edit] Warning about NewWaterFord
The ungodlyest force of nature is NewWaterFord's own Fountain. May seem harmless, but each and every little child that enters the dangerous liquid becomes more and more venomous, one day all children will rule Cape Breton and its for grounds, with there tiny little fingers, and will have all parents on their fingertips and stand up for every little wip and kick that Cape Bretoners put on these little harmless creations that don't know how to stand up for themselves, but one day, ONE DAY you will see. They are not just little messy faced kids who just wreck your house and track mud from the sydney tar ponds through your house, one day you will see that kids do rule the face of cape breton, one day you will see!!!!!
So warning, if you don't want t see children rule every step of cape breton, don't let your children run the streets of Plummer Ave. in NewWaterFord,....NEVER!!!One little splash, one little swim, one little itty bitty toe in that liquid does the job, and eventual will have every child effected.
[edit] Glory Hole Classic
Every year basketball teams from all over Canada come to New Waterford for the Glory Hole Classic. The tournament is important to the town's economy and generates millions of dollars every year. Players are housed at the prestigious Breton Education Centre. Other events going on during the week long tournament include orgies and a 7 day coke bender. This is when all the little girls break up with their boyfriends and screw all the basketball players from away also known as CBS aka. Coal Bowl Sluts.
[edit] Songs about New Waterford
- Glory Holes - Bruce Springsteen
- Electrician Avenue - Eddy Grant
- Like a Virgin - Madonna
- Never fely so dirty/ skanky! - OH yea im KINKY
- Sexuality - Dj Quik
