New York University
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“In Soviet Russia, NYU goes broke paying YOU!”
~ J.Sex
“I learned everything I know from there”
~ James Blunt on NYU's Floor
New York University is a private university located in New York City, or so it claims. As it is a private university of the highest order, those seeking to attend must agree to sign over their firstborn or their immortal souls in order to finance a four-year education (currently estimated at $200,000,000,000,000 for four years). Foreign students must surrender the gold reserves of their respective home countries.
Another theory is that the university is actually a community college, and that the administration is attempting to become the largest community college in the United States. This is proven by the common question, asked by the relatives of many admitted students, "NYU? You're going to community college?"
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[edit] History
New York University was created in 1831, when various wig-wearing men dressed in black gathered together in Washington Square under the hanging tree and conceived a conspiracy to buy up every fucking piece of property in Greenwich Village (then called Green Acres). Early professors included telegraph inventor/slavery champion Samuel Morse, drunken former congressman Davy Crockett (1834-5) and Traveler, Robert E. Lee's horse (who gained tenure in 1869 - the university's first student union bore his name).
NYU originally had two campuses, one in the Washington Heights area of the Bronx and one in Greenwich Village. However, the Bronx campus was overrun by C.H.U.D.S in the Sewer Mutant Uprising of 1976, and the radioactive remains of the campus were sold to the Church of Scientology later that year. It is believed that baby Suri, or the robot that poses as her, was constructed at this facility.
[edit] NYU Today
NYU's Board of Trustees, which includes local luminaries such as Michael Bloomberg's mother, the Dell guy, Spike Lee and Satan, has embarked upon a 20-year capital campaign to convert the entirety of Lower Manhattan into dormitory space and Starbucks. Their drive is opposed by various feeble community organizations and the Catholic Church, whose monastic ninjas battle the NYU Department of Public Safety during moonless nights and saints' feast days.
NYU is composed of several colleges, including the Stern School of $$$ (anal Wharton rejects in suits), the Tisch School of the Arts (with even fewer heterosexual students than you can imagine), the Gallatin School of I-Won't-Have-a-Job-After-Graduation (where the Olsen Twins were), the Steinhardt School of Miscellany, the College of Arts and Science, and some little colleges that don't matter. NYU also maintains world-renowned graduate schools in the field of medicine, law (see: Feldman, Fully Fuckable (Noah)) and Sudoku. The university enrolls about 50,000 students, none of whom socialize with each other.
The 30 or so straight males enjoy copious play from the thousands of sexually frustrated undergrad females. These females are notorious for dating older men from Brooklyn with names like "Chazz" and "Dominique".
[edit] The NYU nickname
New York University is a backronym of NYU created due to the fact that NYU's letters originally stood for "Now You're Unemployed". THIS NYU was the original school motto, and is still printed on all NYU graduation certificates (originally called diplomas, but changed as this was not considered politically correct)
NYU's school color is violet, because someone planted violets around the university buildings a billion years ago and some jackass thought that it would be a great nickname to the students, which is even dumber than it sounds when you think that, at the time they made up the fucking nickname, it was the Victorian era and everyone wore black anyway. The school's sports teams are also called the Violets and the Lady Violets, which seems especially redundant. The NYU symbol is a torch, symbolizing the intense fire that burns away the hopes, dreams and savings of those attending the university.
The school's current president is J.Sex, who is assisted by various other officials and a small army of house elves. The school's newspaper, the Washington Square News, has been published since 1973, and no one has seen or heard from any of its staff since that date. The school is said to have a radio station operated by emo hipster fucks, but as no one has cared enough to listen to it, this cannot be confirmed.
NYU's campus is centered around the Silver Center, one of many, many buildings named for wealthy Jews. Several hundred students have been trapped in its elevators since the late 1980s.
Because campus politics lean toward the liberal side of the spectrum, the local College Republicans are especially vicious as a counterweight, and have been known to eat small children outside P.S. 121 as a means of undercutting public education.
[edit] Sports
Most sports are played at Coles Sports Center, the headquarters of NYU sports. It is also home to Prof. Mike Rotch's experimental elderly nudist colony. He will publish his research in 2010.
Soccer, golf, swimming, track and tennis are not played on campus. Soccer home games are played on Mars. Swimming and diving teams compete and practice in Bobst Library. Tennis is banished to Flushing, Queens. Track and cross country teams run meets in Harlem and the Bronx, chased by cops. Nobody gives a shit about golf.
NYU coaches actively recruit busty blondes who can handle balls, get it up fast, get down low, know all the positions and hit it hard.
[edit] Studying Abroad
NYU maintains study abroad locations in London, Paris, N'Djamena, Harris Field, Jamaica Queens, McMurdo Station and the Large Magellanic Cloud. NYU plans to colonize one of the Jovian moons by 2015. From 1838-61, NYU maintained a special remote campus for African American students specializing in "agricultural studies" at the Delahunt Plantation outside St. Matthew's, South Carolina.
Famous NYU alumni include (list is incomplete):
Chris Farley's Ghost (B.A. 2002)
That gay guy from the movie you saw with your girlfriend the one time...
Lurr of the Planet Omicron Persei 8
Krull
And Paul from the Wonder Years
[edit] Trivia:
NYU was the inspiration for several fictional universities, such as the University of New York in "Felicity," Mars University on "Futurama," and the South Harmon Institute of Technology in "Accepted." NYU also inspired the events in "Debbie Does Dallas," which was originally entitled "Debbie Does It in Hayden Hall." It was changed to Dallas primarily do to the fact that there has never been an attractive woman in Hayden Hall.
The NYU campus is run on energy generated by the screams of damned souls.
NYU students think the best way to pay off their loans is by getting local jobs, like bagging the groceries of Columbia students.
NYU is buying your apartment building as you read this. Be out by the 15th.
You can always tell if an NYU student will make it in life or not by asking them what school in NYU do you go to? If they say NYU Law or Stern Business, then they will, anything else, then no.
