New Zealand
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
A word of warning, the following article is NOT funny.
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| Motto: "One Sheep, Two Sheep. Three Sheep, Four Sheep, Five Sheep, Sex Sheep | |||||
| Anthem: "God Defend tomato sauce" | |||||
 | |||||
| Capital | Wellington, AKA Helengrad | ||||
| Largest city | Goreland - with a population of 2 humans and 83000000 sheep and 50 man-sheep. | ||||
| Official languages | Maori, although the majority of Maori simply speak English with the sound "owww," "cuz" or "it waznt me occifa!" at the start and end of every sentence. | ||||
| Government | Ruled by the British, who spend the whole day trying to join the rest of the world | ||||
| -Supreme Rondoletti Emperor | Bob Dole | ||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | NOT!!!! | ||||
| Currency | Muskets, Hobbits and Sheep | ||||
| Religion | Rugby, johnism, | ||||
| Population | 4,000,000 (people), mostly asians. (and proud) | ||||
“No!! His cock level is over 0., thats impossible so i'll have to chop it of....”
~ Prince Vegeta of the Saiyans on Tama iti
“I'ma Firin Mah Lazarrr!”
~ Maori, shortly before the North Island was created.
“In Soviet Russia, Sheep does YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on New Zealand.
“In New Zealand it is customary to offer the hoof of your first sheep in marriage to an Australian visitor”
~ Kiwi Konnektion on New Zealand.
“Get off our property!”
~ The British on The Australians in New Zealand.
“Git awf ahr properrtee!”
~ The Maoris on The British in New Zealand.
The Independent Free Democracy of New Zealand and South-Western Azeroth (Pronounced New Zild, "Knew ZeeLund" (local pronunciation) or New Z-land),is made up of crap three large-ish islands, a few smaller islands and a group of moderately sized fishing boats, bound together with baling twine and #8 fencing wire, which is currently adrift in the South Pacific ocean.
Before we go any further we have important news about New Zealanders The New Zealand national hobbies include: sheep shagging, pretending to be good at rugby, pretending to be Australian, more sheep shagging.
New Zealand is the 3rd richest country in the AC/DC.
New Zealand is a multicultural society with 4 million people, 8 million orcs, 968 million Asians.It is rumoured to hold a portal to Azeroth and the World of Warcraft.
New Zealanders shag more sheep than the Welsh.
Contents |
[edit] National Icons
Rugby is the national sport of New Zulland. Rugby is very similar to the American game "Gridiron", except the players are usually twice as large, ten times faster, brown-skinned, don't wear suits of body armour, and rely solely on the state-sponsored health system when they get injured.
Rugby is an elitist sport as only certain people who are good enough can play. In New Zealand you must live in Canterbury or togo to be allowed to play rugby with adults. You become a part of the ruling elite of New Zealand when you are selected to become a member of the Canterbury Crusaders [1]. Even being allowed to attend a game of rugby where the Crusaders bash the living shit out of some second-rate team from Uganda or Auckland is something to be treasured for many generations.
Famous Canterbury rugby players include Buck Shelford, Zinzan Brooke, Mark Ellis, Ian Wishheart, Graham Henry, Tana Umanga, and OJ Simpson (the rugby player, not the murderer).
Despite this, rugby culture in New Zealand has hit a new low following the Crusaders being smashed by the French in the Pre-Qualifiers for the Rugby World Cup.
== History == west
Upon their discovery in the 17th century by the famous Dutch pot smoker Disable Tasman, New Zealand's islands were given the particularly original names of "North Island", "South Island" and "Pen Island".
A small number of Tasman's followers settled the country and began peacefully killing all the native plants, natives and animals to make space. For what purpose exactly historians are still unsure. These settlers were the first people to live in New Zealand.
[edit] Science
A New Zealand scientist by the name of Ernest Rutherford split the atom. It was the result of a failed attempt to biolocally engineer edible sprouts. Unfortunately, he neglected both to patent this technology and also to put the atom back together. More ruthless (and successful) countries exploited this discovery until the atom became infinitesimally tiny. However the ridiculous irony remains in the fact that New Zealand still remains the most pro-nuclear country in the world and has suffered several severe meltdowns since Ernie's marvelous discovery. New Zealand is now fully equipped with 22 Nuclear Reactors in the North Island, 13 and a half in the South, and several on the aptly named Stuart Island. Pro-Nuclear democratic PM Helen Clark's house hold contains a nuclear powered T.V., a nuclear powered Nokia phone, and several nuclear powered game boys and a nucleur powered mole which all dictators need. Fair go mate.
Modern advances in technology are slow, but steady. New Zealand currently holds patents for spreadable butter, Marmite and the humble pavlova, iron man ironing boards and a long metal thing with a sort of lump on the end. We still don't know what it is used for.
[edit] Politics
Politics in New Zealand are centred around the so-called "Beehive". Beehives are traditionally small rectangular structures, so it is assumed that the Beehive building is ironically named (sort of like calling a bald man "Curly"). The capital city is Wellington, but it has only been the capital for the last 90 years,and prior to this the capital was Auckland. Wellington was chosen to be the capital city after the rest of the country decided that they didn't want to be governed by a "bunch of arrogant JAFAs". Aucklanders have never really recognised the moving of the capital and carry on like they are still in charge anyway. By and large this seems to work and "a spirit of friendly rivalry" has developed. Actually, this is really only true when viewed from an Auckland perspective. The rest of the country still think they are a bunch of tossers. Wellington was also chosen, because it lies on a major geological fault, which is just itching to go, being a good few hundred years overdue. When it does go, it'll do everybody a favour by getting rid of all the politicians.
The New Zealanders have their own parliamentary system, and their own Fuhrer/Dictator (Helen Clark) who rules over New Zealand with an iron fist. Her rule is supported by her Vice Dictators or Enforcers Bret and Jemaine. New Zealand's current parliamentary system runs under a Musical Theocracy where votes are cast according to the Top 40 charts. These charts are controlled by Blanket Man.
New Zealanders undertake constitutional reform while on some seriously hard drugs: "let's abolish our upper house, and work out what to have instead later" (1950) and "let's have half the seats in parliament filled by people who don't have to stand for election, and call it MMP" (1996) are two of the country's landmarks. Note that New Zealand has both a Queen and a Fuhrer, though most New Zealanders are still not sure exactly why, although they are happy to retain an old German woman living in London as their head of state, seeing as most successful Kiwis either live there or in Australia.
There is also a Governor General, who, a lot like Shane Richardson, does nothing useful. He is also a Curry Muncher (However since his rise to power, standards of curry in this country have risen exponentially.)
Helen Clark's Cabinet consists of a dozen or so strategically disguised computerised mannequins. Due to their disastrous policies and proven ability to out-lie only the dumbest voter, Clark's androids are considered final proof of the impossibility of AI.
The government's Anti-Noodle Policy, instituted during the Second Cold War of 1801, has proven popular with millions of Chinese weight watchers, who immigrated to Otago during the 1850's. The policy has successfully softened America's stance towards China by minimising the military threat of that country's army, which now consists of 500 million morbidly obese martial artist wannabes.
Deputy Fuhrer Michael Cullen is often compared to Himmler for his racist ideology, looks and the death camp he runs at Helengrad.
Recently, Trevor Mallard, a MP known for being boring, hippocritical and overweight got called out in parliament on "having sex" with a woman who was not his wife. He was somewhat disheartened, and decided to smash the offending party in the face, with fists of fury. He was reported to have said "Thats not fair! I dont know why I was demoted as cabinet minister, he totally deserved it! What an old crud.".
The New Zealand voting public are really well informed. Elections schedueled for November 2008 see the opposition right-wing National Party polling at around 50-55%, but they're yet to release any policies. I guess it will be a case of 'wait and see'.
[edit] Military
Army: 17 farmers from all round the South Island, in co-operation with the Cardrona Tavern darts team. Armed with 6 pitchforks, a shovel, 15 sheep, and a Toyota Hilux.
Navy: A series of Coral Reef decorations.
Air Force: see The Flying Circus
[edit] Economy
Its a pretty happy-fun-time economy. Sheep have been found to have countless uses and also aid in the lack of women.
Well, exports include meat - especially lamb, beef and teenagers. But who the hell doesn't already have meat and students (or student meat for that matter)? New Zealanders were the first to make Pavalova. Australia has since tried to claim the idea for itself but the fact that the country doesn't exist anymore doesn't help things. Everything else, New Zealand does well, thats why Australians are sometimes referred to as "funnelers", sucking away anything New Zealanders make.
It is internationally accepted that drinking good beer is the exclusive domain of the dominant Alpha/Kiwi male in each society, but it is not widely known that it's genetically impossible for any Kiwi to brew anything resembling beer. Australian beer is most widely regarded as "pacific wees"
Cultural exports include future Australian economic policies, wool, Conchords, Kiwi fruit, Kiwi birds, anything whose name features or incorporates the word Kiwi, and American TV shows and films which use New Zealand scenery as a backdrop.
Imports include Asian immigrants/slaves/Triads and plenty of crappy international TV shows.
The export of young people, especially to urban centres such as London, Madrid, Rome and Mount Doom has increased in recent years, in proportion to the increase of incoming Asian goods. What Asia benefits from this apparent three-way trading scheme remains to be seen.
[edit] Failed stores
There are some stores that have failed to gone global (meaning Australia). These stores include:
- The warehouse
- Pumpkin Patch
- Tama Iti's little shop of weapons
- Helen Clark trans-gender clinic
- 4 square
- Strawberries and Marshmallows
- That dairy across the street
- The talking sheep shop
- Your grandma's guide to style
- Most if not all other stores
- Fisher & Pykel (Now officially based in Mexico)
- The product locally known as the Edmonds Cookbook, but world renowned as the "Saviour to all Ex-Pats" and desperately hunted by these people. Often costing the purchaser a ridiculous amount of cash and other sundry items!
- Georgie Pie-With thier famous e-coli pie and vomit special, with free diarrhea
[edit] The People
The favourite pastime of the New Zealander (or "Dirty Fucking Kiwi" as they are affectionately known) is to move to Australia and go on welfare. Once in Australia, New Zealanders divide their time between the Centrelink lines and complaining to locals how shit Australia is and how much better they had it back home.
Just as the Titanic was lost to the Atlantic, Brisbane has been lost to the New Zealander (or "what the hell is that bloke doing behind that sheep?"). There are now more New Zealanders living off Aussie taxpayers than there are Aussies in Brisbane.
80% of New Zealand's population is white, or "Pakeha" people. These people have absolutely no culture, and are the last colonisers who still worship their royalty.
Recent studies show that New Zealand males have the largest average penis size of any country. The largest specimen ever recorded belonged to a New Zealander, and was a whopping seventy-three inches long, weighing in at thirty-two kilograms. The average New Zealand schlong dwarfs the average size of their neighbor, Australia - 0.72 inches. See? We are better than them at something.
A quarter of the population are cannibals, or "Maori" people. Cannibals enjoy sitting on the couch, drinking, smoking, eating fish & chips, stealing, forming gangs and shooting toddlers. Other pastimes include trying to claim ownership of the sea-bed and foreshore.
When a poll was conducted of New Zealanders as to their favourite joke, 23% said "Greymouth". The rest unanimously voted: Q) What's long, hard, and screws Australians? A) Primary school
300% of Auckland's population are Samoan. Flights to Auckland are notoriously expensive due to both the distances involved and the fact that Air New Zealand is only capable of accommodating about 10 Samoans per 747 jumbo jet. The Samoan population has grown so 'large' that Samoans are now New Zealand's third largest export after Sheep and 'Lord of the Rings' T-shirts. Los Angeles and the Japanese Sumo Wrestling Federation are the largest importers of New Zealand Organic Samoans.
The other quarter of New Zealand's population comprises of cannibals from the islands and rich Asian immigrants. Asians are usually seen balancing their accounts, practising karate or tai chi, dying their hair, smoking Marlboro reds, coughing up phlegm in public toilets, being robbed by Maoris, driving Toyota MR2's, and kidnapping other Asians.
New Zealand is mostly made up of racists and misogynists, though the King of Gondor does not fit that description.
[edit] Well known "People" in New Zealand
"Der Fuhrer" Helen Clark
[edit] Miss Wilson
Is the Queen of New Zealand
In 1982, she married Mr T. Jonah Lomu was jealous. Mr T pittied the fool. Mr T let him invent his hair, and gave him the 5th inlinement to the English Crown. Prince Harry cried. Mr T did not care. Miss Wilson was impressed, so they moved to Auckland. Mr T and Miss Wilson were both unimpressed with their decision.
Miss Wilson (aka The True Babe), the moved to a place called Perth (which is kinda like a roadstop on your way to Wisconsin). She wanted to move away from New Zealand because it is a shithole (plus no good bands want to play there). But to her surprise when she arrived in Perth, there were still no good bands. She immediately called John Safran to get another Fatwa placed on Rove McManus as he was the one who said that Perth is a great placed to live. John was successful in his bid. Regardless of this fact, Mr T still killed John Safran. As a result, he was given the highest order of New Zealand, Miss Wilson. He said "I already have that fool!" He was then offered a blank piece of paper with pto on both sides, he accepted. Mr T has since retired to an opium cave in the American Rockies, he continues to pto to this very day (whilst laughing and playing catch with Jonah Lomu and one of his kidneys).
Miss Wilson whilst biding her time in Perth after the T retirement, was forced to work as the stupid bitch (AKA Helen Clark) appointed Robert Mugabe as the treasurer. He demanded that all sheep farms be handed over from Union players to League players so the sheep could be "taken to the shearer" properly. Due to the change over, the economy fell off the chart, through the cricket teams hands (no surprise there) and continue to fall (down to Antartica as at 20th of April 2008). Wilson choose education as her employment (out of tribute to her former lover Mr T who was himself a great librarian). It is part of her scheme to replace to word six (6) with sux. Oxford University has put this up for review in it's latest edition of it's renouned dictionary (along with Ductionery).
Miss Wilson is now biding her time before New Zealand is found again down in Antartica, so she can once again rule New Zealand (it will now be known as New New Zealand, and the South Island will not be part of the country anymore coz its a shithole and the rugby teams from there aren't very good). Once she has taken control of New New Zealand she promises to make it the grunge capital of the world. Since the SuperSonics are moving from Seattle, the citizens dont have anything to live for, so they voted 28-2 to move their city to New New Zealand. With these wheels in motion, Miss Wilson has attracted the Foo Fighters to move with their city to New New Zealand. Her genious mind did this by re-capturing the Beaconsfield miners, and tying them to a tree in Parliment house. Since Dave Grohl promised to share a beer with them, her plan of putting the miners in Parliment house worked perfectly because there is no bigger booze hut in the world (apart from Cambridge Bowls Club and the upper state of Utah).
[edit] Mating Rituals
New Zealanders are very social creatures, and spend as little time as possible without partners (human, aliens(only been here)). In order to achieve social harmony, New Zealanders have developed crude innate senses that can only be employed in the dark. These include a heightened sense of smell, night vision and an increased output of pheromones that allow them, by very superficial means to judge whether someone would make a suitable partner or not. This often doesn't go to plan, due to the Kiwi desire to remain budded up. It takes an incredibly long time for them to realize the fact their partner is a jerk to cause a rift large enough to break the relationship. Due to the absolute social failure that this creates between humans in natural relationships, many New Zealanders are inclined to shack up with sheep to avoid continuing in the whole ridiculous debacle.
The New Zealand male has a mating call that sounds something like "Are ya awake, bitch?"
Not many people realise that the Hakas performed before rugby matches by some of the New Zealand rugby teams is actually a ploy to try to get the opposition to sleep with them. These obscure mating dances were discovered and dispensed to all rugby teams in the hope that the offspring of these relationships would help raise the economy, or at least make good soldiers. As of yet, this has only worked one time, and the partnerships between the All Blacks and the British and Irish Lions did not last long enough to produce any children during the union.
[edit] Flora and Fauna
Among the few remaining native creatures in New Zealand are sheep and kiwi. Due to the lack of large land predators in New Zealand and the year-long supply of Humans, sheep have been able to evolve to fit every niche of the New Zealand ecosystem. Sheep are not known for having aggressive qualities on any other continent. However continual sexual contact between New Zealanders & sheep has given rise to this unique phenomenon. Amongst New Zealand's other native creatures, the most predominant are birds. Some types are flightless and incredibly dumb, and others have developed the ability to pull cars apart and eat them, quite often while the driver is still in the car.
Also, some species of worms grew into giant herbivorous forest-dwellers. Other species even lost their power of flightlessness, evolved large talons and took to the skies to become the country's top predators. Fossil remains indicate that these fearsome beasts were capable of tackling the largest land sheep. New Zealand has the most beautiful sheep in the world and is the envy of all nations, many of whose male citizens are tempted by the these woolly sirens. Palmerston North is widely regarded as the home of the most beautiful sheep in New Zealand. Palmerston North also has the country's largest B-grade red light district.
Early settlers introduced the moa and the Tyrannosaurus Rex in order to stifle the ambitions of a small group of highly dedicated Maori scientists involved in an anti-colonial weapons research programme. Unfortunately, these species did not see eye to eye and in the brutal conflict that followed, the moa population was decimated, and eventually driven to extinction.
An influx of Spanish Terrorists in the late 1970's left the Tuatara population devastated, as the small reptiles make excellent back scratchers and door mats. They are also reputed to possess therapeutic properties of the sunbed, although at the time of writing, forays into experimentation with tanning, harnessing these mystical powers have ended in tragedy, usually for the tuatara.
[edit] Impending Disasters
New Zealand is situated right on-top of Mount Doom, which one of the largest and most violent volcanos in the world. They are right on top of a fault-line, although who's fault it is remains to be seen, and so are prone to Earthquakes. In fact, without volcanic activity, New Zealand wouldn't exist at all: it is surrounded by sea, so global warming will certainly cover New Zealand with water.
There are 48 volcanoes in Auckland alone, so New Zealand could also be blown sky high. Inhabitants are really just waiting to see which happens first.
Currently Frodo Baggins is completing a dangerous mission to kill Mt doom while on his way to destroy Mourdour, Information will be posted as more information comes to light
[edit] Places of Interest
New Zealand has many places of interest, most unwanted, ranging from great, to pure stupidity (stupidity meaning where the fuck did God go wrong) They have boiling mud, So instead of going there, Get a pot and some dirt, add water and set it on the stove. Simulating the new zealand experience.
[edit] Whakatane
Whakatane (pronounced fuck-a-tar-nay) is a strange and mysterious place in the Bay of Plenty. Tane (pronouced tar-nay) is a so called Maori god, and this place was set up in order for Tane to have a root (they had too much spare time other than claiming the foreshore). It seems Whakatane has attracted interest in Australia, on the programme Rove Live, Peter Hallier (who?) stated to Tane "I'll have a go".
[edit] Merivale
Merivale, most comonly called Maori-Vale, due to it being the only places were Maori are born from the bush. This is a place which has been rarely documented by the white man except Levi ( The Only Knowen White Man To Survive More Than 2Mins In Maori-vale ) , because all non-maori who walk within 1km of Maori-Vale are scared away by the native dance of the maori, called Haka. If they are not scared away, they are eaten. Good luck levi!!!! we love you!!!! if you die in Maori vale well... your body will be eaten!!!!!
[edit] Matamata (Hobbiton)
Also known as the nations Crap Hole, Hobbiton is the worlds largest concentration of the endangered Hobbit, with a population of 0. Popular for reasons unknown among tourists, its only attractions are the ruins of Hobbiton, destroyed during the Great Pumpkin War of 1945, and puplic performances of inbreeding. AKA: "Hickville."
[edit] National Anthem
The national anthem of New Zealand was written by Sir Thomas Bracken (aka Fred Dagg), who was notable for absolutely nothing else during his tragically short life.
Unlike other nations whose anthems proclaim how mighty and awesome they are, New Zealand's national anthem begs God to save their tiny little country from invaders. What makes this all the more interesting is that this particular anthem is not even New Zealand's official anthem, nor is it the popular disco hit God Save The Queen.
The lyrics are thus:
God of Nations, smell my feet,
In the bonds of Shortland Street.
Hear our voices: tweet, tweet, tweet,
God defend the toilet seat.
O, lovely sheep, please guide our land,
If we swear to squeeze your mamm'ry gland.
And such our lives should ever be,
Spent our tax payers money on all of thee.
Most people try to forget we exist,
Screwing randoms while we're pissed.
But we're proud of our country, 'tis no mean feat;
God defend our toilet seat!
FUCK THE AUSSIES!
[edit] Famous New Zealand Icons
- The Sheep
- Nathan Carter. "Why yes, i did dye my hair purple."
- Conor Paterson. "Wats up purple head."
- The Four Square dude.
- The Kiwi. Oh wait! He dead...
- Tama Iti (guy the size of a bus and penis the size of a pin head).
- That chick that does the Briscoes advertisement
- Elijah Wood (hey, he's been to New Zealand)
- Lucy Lawless
- "Captain Tackles" Richie McCaw
- Debbie Filler
- the Lion man (who beat his wife who was having a orgy HA!)
- George Clooney
- Fooi Fooi Moi Moi
- That guy that did that thing at that place with the other thing, you know the guy, with the face
- The 'Bugger' Dog
- Russell Crowe
- Vince "This is a tyre, this is a ballet slipper, and this is a stick" Martin
- The 'Bollocks' Cat
- The 'Oh, fuck' Liger
- Peter Jackson
- All Blacks
- Josh Hartnett (New Zealand's great,great,great,great grandmother)
- Shrek the Sheep
- Miriama KamoTAP THAT!!!
- Rugby Union
- Angela Dotchin
- Hayley Westenra
- You know that thing on HBO with the two Conchord-y guys, and they're musicians...
- The guy on the L&P ads in the stubbies
- Gandalf
- Some of the few New Zealand actors out there
- Charles Manson
- Your Mum
- Me
- The Olympic Tog Stealer
- Owners of "Fush und Chup" shops
- Toni marsh that hot weather lady off tv3 peow peow
- Paul Henry the guy is so extra funny
[edit] See also
- Pavlova
- Pakeha
- Rugby
- Tawa
- Bush fire
- Maori
- All Blacks
- Treaty of Waitangi
- Rugby
- ANZSIC
- New Zealand Knights
- Rugby
- Farting Tax
- Karori Wildlife Sanctuary
- Battle of Thermopylae
- Al Qaeda
- FAT tax
- GST
- Polynesia
- Jandal
- Rotorua
- Fush und Chups = fish and chips (normal english spelling)
[edit] External links
| Commonwealth of Independent Nations |
| In order of importance Britain ~ Oz ~ Canada ~ Canadia ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Barsturds ~ Even More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan |
