Newcastle Upon Tyne
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“WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY AYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE MAN!!!!!!!!”
~ SOME Geordies speaking
“Mint”
~ Ant or Dec (who knows which one) on Favourite ice cream flavour
“Am Gan Tae Granger Market Y'want Owt?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Talking To The Queen
- This article refers to Geordie Land. For the Australian version, see Newcastle, Australia. See Newcastle for an alternative opinion about this city of the damned (there is only so much shite you can put on one page and shite that it is).
Newcastle upon Tyne (after Global Warming: Tyne upon Newcastle) is a city state in England, located near the equator. Originally a Roman town, Newcastle moved from Rome to Northen England and developed as a leisure centre and holiday resort for the Vikings of Norway and Denmark, Newcastle achieved city status in 1574 and declared its independence from England in 1853. It was one of the early split level cities much in vogue at the time of its relocation, with the affluent Newcastle built on supporting struts upon the lower city of Tyne. This led to much unforseen resentment from the doughty inhabitants of Tyne, not least because of a design oversight meaning the plumbing arrangements for Newcastle mostly stretched as far as a series of trap-doors beneath lavatories dropping directly onto the under-city. It was common at the time to hear resident of Tyne darkly muttering "I ain't taking any more shite from those Newcastle bastards", and in the 1600s the remaining residents fled the under-city in a mass exodus, finally settling in Sunderland. The city of Tyne quickly fell into disrepair, and in modern Newcastle now forms the basis of much of its sewer system and the Tyne And Wear Metro.
| Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne | |
|---|---|
| Flag | |
| |
| Facts | |
| Official Languages: | Geordie |
| Currency: | The Geordie Poond (G£/GEP)or Cigarettes(Tabs) |
| Independence: | 1853 (from the United Kingdom) |
| Religions: | Geordieism, Satanism, Heathenism, Football, Beer |
| Head of State: | Sting, Ant and Dec, Alan Shearer |
| Major Cities: | City Centre, Jesmond, Gosforth, Heaton, Fenham, Walker, Elswick, Scotswood, Kenton |
| National Anthem: | "Blaydon Races" |
| Exports: | Coal, Stotties, Pease Pudding, Greggs, Byker Byker Grove, Ant and Dec, Bubonic Plague, Pikeys, Newcastle brown Ale |
| Surface area: - Total | Ranked 6th (UEFA CUP) |
| Admin. HQ: | Newcastle upon Tyne |
| Demographics | |
| Population: - Collective Density (2004 est.) | Ranked 1st |
| Ethnicity: | 30% Geordie 70% Students 60% Charvers/Chavs |
Contents |
[edit] Beginnings
The town was established by the Romans as the settlement of 'Pons Aelius', meaning 'Alien's Pond'. Sir Julius Caesar transformed it into a garrison town for the army. The town was abandoned on January 9 142 AD following the 3-1 defeat of Pons Aelius West End (the Roman Army football team) to their cross-town rivals, Pons Aelius East End (regarded as the locals' team). From the 7th century onwards, the area was popular with Viking invaders, who would often visit St Cuthbert at Lindisfarne. St Cuthbert soon got tired of his messy, drunken guests and decided to build them a holiday village at Pons Aelius. The village was a success, especially when the Vikings returned to see that St Cuthbert had built a Castle themed hotel, bar, restauramt, torture chamber and dungeons especially for them (the kinky buggers). The Vikings were over the moon and told many of their friends and family to "come and visit the new Castle". And so, the town was given its new name.
[edit] City Status
Newcastle was one of several towns to be granted city status by Queen Elizabeth I during the celebrations following England's winning of the 1574 World Cup. In commemoration of the occasion a feast was held on the Town Moor, but due to the boggy ground people had to hop so they wouldn't get too dirty. This marked the beginning of Newcastle's famous Hoppings, which still visits the Town Moor every year, allowing the good people of Newcastle to be robbed and ripped off by Charvers and Gypos.
[edit] English Civil War
By the 1640s, industry in Newcastle was perhaps the most advanced in the world, following the development of coal mining and ship building, Newcastle had developed jet aeroplanes, atomic bombs and intercontinental ballistic missiles by the outbreak of the war. When King Charles I was overthrown by Oliver Cromwell, Newcastle, which was loyal to the king was ordered to surrender by Cromwell. "What are you going to do if we don't?" asked the city's Mayor. "Put you all in the Tower [of London]!" replied Cromwell. The mayor launched a missile which destroyed the Tower of London and asked again "What are you going to do if we don't surrender?" "There's f*ck all we can do I suppose" replied Cromwell.
Novocastrian Air strikes against London then followed for a two week period before Cromwell surrendered, and King Charles II (who had been exiled in the flats at Shieldfield) was crowned King of England.
[edit] The 18th Century
During the 18th century, the city grew drastically in size and the Tyne and Wear Metro system was developed, although in those days it was horse drawn. The city's traditional education institutes Northumbria University and Newcastle College were established in 1715 and 1737 respectively with Northumbria's two coffee houses, Reds and Bar One becoming two of the city's thriving centres of political debate.
[edit] The 19th Century
In 1815, following the Allies decisive victory over Napoleon at Waterloo (thanks to the deployment of cruise missiles by Tyneside regiments), a rift grew between Newcastle and the remainder of England. Although it was England's capital, London was backwards compared to Newcastle and extremely jealous of the fact. The London-based government employed several measures to shackle Newcastle's growth, and tensions grew between the Novocastrians and English. The Scots offered to accept Newcastle to become a part of Scotland, but the Lord Mayor declined on the basis that the Scots were "untrustworthy, incomprehensible, unhygenic drunkards."
[edit] The Grainger Market
Begun shortly after the departure of the Romans, and originally intended as a day centre for feral wolves, the Grainger Market stands proudly today as the grand centre-piece of the city.
A sprawling and technologically-advanced marketplace - selling beef by the quarter, part-leather handbags, and whistles - the market is a real treasure of the city, and a must for all sight seers and meat enthusiasts. Visitors to Newcastle are free to roam the chic stalls and butcheries by day, picking up undoubted bargains on flesh and purses.
By night however the management operates a strict no-trainers policy. Butchers report they are consequently forced to up their charges during the evenings, leading to meat selling at 'Russian' prices.
In recent times the Market management team has come under fire from the police for their 'laissez-faire attitude' to the widely acknowledged squatting problem of avante-garde, innovative terrorists inside the building.
It is estimated almost 14 bats live inside the rafters of the structure (1987, National Office of Statistics).
[edit] Independence
On August 17, 1853, the City of Newcastle Upon Tyne officially declared itself to be the independent Grand Kingdom of Newcastle Upon Tyne, and elected George Stephenson to become King George I of Newcastle. From that day forth, the inhabitants of Newcastle became known as 'Geordies'. The Geordies also invented their own language at this juncture in time, with such well know and well used phrases as "whey aye", "whey ye bugger", "pet" and "hinny" becoming ever popular.
[edit] Links with England
Following independence, relations with England began to improve. The various English sporting leagues that were established contained Novocastrian teams. Indeed, England's FA Premiership boasts the Novocastrian side Newcastle United as one of its teams, with Johnny Wilkinson helping the Newcastle Falcons win an occasional game in the rugby version of the game.
[edit] The Twentieth Century
Newcastle's prosperous image continued into the twentieth century as it became known as the Las Vegas of Tyneside. The city has played host to a galaxy of stars down the years including The Beatles, The Rolling Stones and David Hasselhoff, all of whom have or have had homes in the city (execpt for David Hasselhoff who currently has a house in Wallsend).
[edit] Newcastle Nightlife
Newcastle has a well known reputation for its nightlife and 'joie de vie'. Simply walk down the ultra-fashionable Bigg Market area on a friday or Saturday night, and you will not be able to move for the city's intelligensia in the super-chic bars and resturants discussing politics, literature and the existentialist beliefs of Jean-Paul Sartre, Albert Camus and Simone de Beauvoir. Newcastle is also home to a fine selection of bars such as The Beehive and The Vault where, in direct opposition to the soon to be English law of no smoking, all patrons have to "smurk tabs", further enhancing their independent status.
[edit] Religion
Officially of course, the City's religion is Football, but as everybody knows, it has become something of a cliche to say that Newcastle's religion is cult of Beer. But it is true. You only have to witness the thousands of Geordie faithful who attend the 'Baron and Baroness' and 'Lord Collingwood' temples on Sundays to see it, and any regular bar-goer in England can tell you about the numerous and vocal Geordie congregations that travel to away services.
[edit] Famous Novocastrians
- Lady Anal Shearer, famous netball player and local subway hero (winner of only one Premier League with BLACKBURN and former Miss England skipper)Moved from Blackburn to Newcastle and won nothing except a marriage to Mister North-East. They currently have 1 child and 1 half-breed
- Neil Armstrong, Inventor of the Moon
- Jimmy Nail, Professional Geordie, actor and the discoverer of the direction 'left'
- Cheryl Tweedy, Successful Mime Artist and inventor of the lilo
- Mr T, BA Baracus
- Sir Gregory Steak-Bake, Founder of Greggs
- Nelson Mandela, No relation to the former South African President and not famous at all, in fact not even a real person
- Santa Claus
- Kevin Keegan's Dog, Canine companion to the Newcastle United supremo
- Peter Beardsley, Ugly legend
- Sting, Naturalist and Philosopher noted for his exploration of the Brazilian Rainforest
- God aka Possa, Divine creator of all that exists (currently resides in nearby Hebburn)
- Nolberto Solano, Peruvian genius and trumpeter
- Josh Vertannes, top fan
[edit] Famous Non-Novocastrians
- Pete Doherty, Hexham-born Smackhead
- Jesus Christ, Son of God. Born in Bensham, but now lives in Hebburn with his dad
- Tony Blair, Dillusional Idiot, allegedly from Sedgefield which claims to be near Durham (but no one has ever actually been there to confirm that it is a real place)
- Margaret Thatcher, Dillusional Tyrant
- George W. Bush, Psychologically sick Alcoholic
- Ronaldinho, Buck-toothed Beer-bellied Brazilian Footballer
- Albert Luque, Professional Substitute
