Newcastle under Lyme

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Local residents enjoy the flavours of the Lord Lucan parade.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Newcastle under Lyme.

“What's the difference between Newcastle-under-Lyme and three dead babies? I've never entered Newcastle-under-Lyme.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Newcastle under Lyme

Whenever the word "Newcastle" is mentioned, the mind immediately wanders towards the Northern delight of Geordieland; however, in all of our hearts reigns the Newcastle situated in the West Midlands; the "t'other Newcastle". For years there have been speculations over why there are two places both entitled Newcastle and the truth has finally come about.

[edit] Foundation and Early Years

It is thought that centuries ago, two brothers of the surname Newcastle resided somewhere around Leeds; both dreamed of a new town which together they would run for those who also pictured a better life. However, siblings as they were, naturally they disagreed on the details of the plan. One wished to trek further north, so north, in fact, that he could pretend to not be in England at all. The other brother, though, wished to be a real part of England, somewhere which wasn't too far from the other areas and so in an understanding that they would never agree, both brothers set off to form their own separate towns. The one thing that the brothers had agreed on was that placing their town next to a river would be the ideal setting so the first brother found the river Tyne and built a city upon it; he fulfilled his aim that they were practically not in England, the citizens even having their own dialect.

Local dignitary Peter Cash in his seasonal dress greeting children about town.

The second brother; however, unable to find a river, invented the "Lyme" and set his town, unusually, beneath it. Determined as he was to build his town towards the middle of the country, he foolishly overlooked any other desires that his town's citizens would need and so his town resided a little too close for comfort to the city of Stoke-on-Trent and so his town became the "forgotten Newcastle" if for no other reason that people feared that to remember it would be almost as bad as to revisit it.

Newcastle-under-Lyme began as a haven for the richer and more educated population of Stoke-on-Trent (which isn't saying much). Basically, an overgrown cesspit, the city would look like a complete shit hole had someone not stuck it next door to Stoke. The town enabled them to continue to live in the area that they were publicly ashamed of, yet have an alternative postal address for weekends away.

The Town was founded upon a doctrine of false wealth, and boasts a public/independent school and a slightly more upmarket cinema than the Odeon Cinema three miles away in Hanley. Today the town has been corrupted by what the old elites have ironically dubbed the 'intelligentsia' (a term coined by Lord Peter Cash a well respected local legend and a man with a great passion for children. Oscar Wilde said of Peter Cash, 'The only thing that would make him more of a pervert is if he was capable of having sex') or chavs as the rest of the population would call them. The terming of the chavs as 'the intelligensia' is yet another shroud for Newcastillians to refer to these unsavoury peoples in conversation with members of the outside world.

[edit] Geography

The population of the town has grown considerably in the last decade, with census statistics listing the residential population of the town as over 500,000. However, the actual population figure is nearer 29,000. This anomaly is due to the growing desire for the 'new rich' of Stoke-on-Trent to be associated with the less well-known town. As yet, Newcastle-under-Lyme does not appear on any maps, although it is rumoured to be situated somewhere near the cheap Chinese on the London Road - a small team of cartographers are due to conduct a survey in due course to add clarity to this assumption.

The town is divided into two by Alterrac Valley (affectionately known by locals as the Westlands) and Mount Pleasant. On one side live the rich who look down at the poor of Stoke, and on Mount Pleasant reside the Philosopher Kings who are forced to limit their existence to bigoted whining and provision skirmishes to the local Morrisons.

A campaign to link the town by road and other transport links, called 'There and back again' is beginning to gather momentum in the area.

[edit] Famous Faces and Local Lore

As head of the local tourist board, Lord Summerisle does his best to pull in the crowds.

Appart from the aformentioned Lord Cash, there have been three major celebrities throughout the history of the town. Lord Lucan currently resides in Newcastle-under-Lyme just across from Boots, where he has happily lived for many years with his wife and five children. There are weekly parades in his honour; however, attendance is poor, and nobody outside the town cares or is informed of these events. Perhaps the most major contributor to the life of the town is Joe Soaps. His squeaky clean personality and constant smile provided many a smile to motorists and swimmers alike. Unfortunately, due to facial fatigue, Mr. Soaps retired giving up his throne of most celebrated individual to Lord Summerisle who currently takes charge of the town's annual barbecue, and owns the town's chain of wicker furniture stores.

[edit] Fun Facts about Newcastle-under-Lyme

• The only town known to exist outside the Matrix, but unlike Zion no-one cares and it is thus untroubled.
• The only town whose clock chimes midnight at 11.20.
• The only town to have more kebab shops than domestic pets per person.
• 'The Hills have Eyes' was based on the people of Newcastle-under-Lyme.