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Newry...Located halfway between Dublin and Belfast is a town which thinks it's a city, as well as the central hive to two particular types of chav scum...the Skeet, a common street urchin and the Culchie, a wannabe GAA (Gaelic Athletic Accociation) shit head who's idea of a pimped ride is their fathers Massie Ferguson Tractor.

Newry is an absolutely brilliant place. or is it?

[edit] Backround Information

Being nestled in so called Bandit Country both particular types of spieces thrive off their alleged links with the IRA (the ra!) or Provos, none or which are remotely true. Oddly enough they are anti-drugs i.e. Hash, anyone deemed smoking this is a hippy. "Get a hair cut yee hippy yeho!"

[edit] Culture

Dress sense is rather similar to that of regular chavs; Skeets can be regularly seen acquiring their attire in Louis Boyds, (general Ben Sherman etc) and Newry Market.

[edit] Skeets in Newry

Big bunch of bollocks' who think they're wee tight lads goin round in their Fred Perry gear. They usually end up with the wrong ear pierced makin the lads look like a bunch of faggots (thus confirming the beliefs of the rest of the population). On a Friday night these lads roam the streets of Newry lookin for fights with lads at least 5 years younger than themselves but in the end get their arses handed to them. The female skeets on the other hand are a bunch of uneduacated bimbos who's only real purpose is to 'get takin up the rung' and increase the skeet population. Coming of age when being a skeet in Newry begins with carry outs in various spots in the town (Buckfast i.e Lurgan Champagne/Wifebeater and Cider ie Ding/Barrack-Buster/Beat-the-Wife) but general pub going starts at around 12 in Squires or if feeling dangerous The Barge. One would move up the ladder to the Quayside and once it had been mastered and you had graduated from Wikedy Blues on to a draught pint you can try your luck at O'Dowds where a chance at getting in to the ajoining club The Relic would be attemped.

Worst of all is the common names that non-skeets are given such as the usual Gay or Hippie but more surprising is "Slayer" used in the context 'You're a Slayer!/Slay your dog! Eat it's tail! etc'. You could also be branded a wobbly if you dont like dance music. Skeet phrases include - slide on ye wobbley, skirt lively you skeety-boppin rotten head, wop those bags down, luk at the bears on thon, smell your teeth, me and your ma you bifter and other such local colloquialisms.

[edit] Nightlife/death

Futher afield theres the underage club NV (once known as Caesars) is where the sexual misadventures begin. Over the road is the barn which is a fucking excuse for a club, Laceys. and Barn it is with a farmyards worth of animals and happy hardcore. Locals are aroused by the sound of Country and Western remixes, which can be heard emitting from the cracked windows of the Carrickdale Hotel. This caused to many drivers on the nearby N1 to faint of happiness and crash their vehicles into nearby Ravensdale Glen. A resited dual-carriageway has been constructed and is now common to see Northern cars exceeding 120mph, using the excuse that they do not understand kilometres.

[edit] Visitor Information

So if youre vising our proud little town these are places NOT to go....

Buttercrane Carpark The Quays on Friday Nights The Relic Laceys Squires Bank (for Posers) Swimming Pool

In fact just bypass Newry altogether...go to Rostrevor..way nicer.

Local celebrities include Marty Bogroll , celebrity spotters can find him and his bike, famous bogroll and radio blastin the tunes at various points across the town , try the fiveways in the early hrs of the morning Lofty Larkin- see this guy with 5 ltrs of ding behind the townhall Ma Ward- find her urinating outside the post office Curly Kane- hangs around the border hearding cattle

THE LAUGHING MAN - Known for his famous videos on bebo, frequentlty haunts the bus depo lookin for a woman, singing Shania Twain. Love him. I would :)

[edit] Newry City Town FC

Newry has one "professional" football club called Newry Town/City. The old gurns at the club want the team name to remain "The Town", due to the traditional spirit at the club (most likely incest related).

Newry have to say the least, not got a huge history. They do however, have one notable achivment, and that is having some nerve, and signing Mental Micky (Collins), the so called football player, from The Bandit Country