Next-Gen Console War
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“I've got all three consoles, why should I care?”
~ Your fucking neighbor on Next-Gen Console War
“The X-Box 360 has good design, nice performance, it looks sexy and best of all, no fucking blue screens.”
~ Bill Gates, before the "red ring of death" issue appeared
“The Playstation 3 is amazingly powerful, its processing power has no limits, & with a built in blu-ray player how do you... oh crap, we forgot to make games for it!”
~ Sony on Next-Gen Console War
“The Wii is to 1337 for hardcore gamers”
~ Nintendo on Next-Gen Console War
“Every guy has a Wii, if they know where to look for it...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Wii
“Why was'nt I in the next-gen console war?!”
~ PlayStation 2 on Next-Gen Console War
There's three sides in this war: Sony, Nintendo and Microsoft. Their consoles are, respectively, Playstation 3, Playstation 2, Wii and Xbox 360. They're all fighting to see which is the best console (i.e. which sells more).
Contents |
[edit] Sides
[edit] Microsoft
A giant enterprise created by the evil Bill Gates. Their products all suck, but Microsoft is so big and powerful that it overshadows the good products by other companies, so people buy Microsoft's stuff thinking it's the best stuff there is. They released the XBox 360 in 2005, and, being the only next-gen console to be released at the time, it sold well... only to break when people installed it, as it usually happens with any product by Microsoft (*cough* Windows *cough*).
[edit] Xbox 360
The second best-selling console at the moment. Because it's good? No, because it's Microsoft's. The console is famous for its hardware failure, the "three lights of death". Considering there's FOUR warning lights on the console, you'd think the worst the problem, the more lights would turn on, but no. The worst problem of them all is announced by three lights. That's Microsoft for you. The console barely works half the time from many hardware breakdowns, and considering all the games on it have PC versions is even worse. The console is white and square, just like a million other electronics. Each 360 comes with 2 free games: Red Ring of Death and Overheating. Once the person turns the 360 on, RROD will activate in 10 seconds, causing a RROD. Overheating is Microsoft's solution of mixing a frying pan and shit gaming console. To play Overheating, leave the 360 on for 5 seconds. The surface will get over 100 degrees. use the game effectively if you want to fry an egg on your 360. Guessing M$ sat down and said; "How do we make a cooking simulation fun? I know; make it real!"
[edit] Sony
A japanese company, creator of the console with the longest longevity of them all, the Playstation 2 (insert epic music here). But that's no surprise, they're fucking Japanese. Their talent at inventing stuff is inversely proportional to the size of their genitals. Sony does loads of stuff. TVs, home theaters, cameras, dildos, you name it.
[edit] Playstation 3
Sony's console is said to be the most powerful next-gen console. Note: who said that was Sony, with no evidence of this whatsoever, if you ignore all the evidence. Playstation 3 took years to be finished. The price of $600 is proof that the thing eats money. And when it was done and released, Sony slapped their foreheads when they noticed they forgot to make games for it, despite the fact that Sony doesn't make games, they produce them. So Playstation 3 is a super-ultra-mega console that can play about three games (only 1 is any good) and whatever film has been converted to blu-ray at this point or is on DVD. They also put in a wimpy bit of motion control after the wii did, turning the remote around like a moron for anything to happen at all. They expect sales to pick up on 2008 (like that will happen.
[edit] Playstation 2
A shrouded mystery on how did the PS2 managed to stay alive even after big sales. Even though it's motherload of sales outsold the Wii, it fails to beat it off because it is NOT the Seventh-gen gconsole, but more like a six-and-a-half gen console. Other than that, it is COMPLETELY dead last. Just ask the PS3.
[edit] Nintendo
They are - guess what - japanese. The creators of the almighty and godlike Nintendo 64, considered one of the best consoles ever until some jerk made a game called "Superman 64" using MSPaint and released it.
[edit] Wii
It's not as powerful as either of its next-gen rivals. Though, the design is stylish, square and small (looks much better than the other console aesthetically). This is the best-selling console of this generation so far. Why? Because it has a REMOTE CONTROL! YES this new amazing way of controlling games, may be the new platform for first person shooters (if Nintendo release some hardcore games for the Wii). THE DOWNSIDE: The controller is all it has, otherwise you've got yourself another Gamecube. Hit games are yet to be released for the Wii, all the great games come to the other two consoles, so you've got a controller but nothing worth controlling. Be careful when purchasing this, constant gripping of a stick could make you want to grip something similar.
[edit] The War So Far
Ranking according to sales:
FIRST PLACE: Wii (How the Fuck did that happen!)
SECOND PLACE: XBox 360 (how'd that happen?)
THIRD PLACE: Playstation 3 (wow no one likes it anymore, huh?)
LAST PLACE: Playstation 2 (WTF is it doing here?!)
Please note that console wars do not end, in fact the Nintendo 64 and Playstation are still battling, so these rankings are subject to change... till the end of mankind or summink.
[edit] Timeline
- XBox 360 is released in 2005. Being the only next-gen console until 2007, people had no other choice but to buy it.
- The three lights of death become the main cause for suicide between geeks in the USA.
- Bill Gates is possessed by Mother Theresa and says he'll extend the console's insurance for three years due to its famously high failure rate and that he would pay the necessary expenses. Upon returning to his original self, Gates' reaction to this was "I FUCKING DID WHAT?!!".
- The Wii is released at a relatively cheap price. Reggie immediatly seen FALCUN PAUNCHing the Xbox 360's sales numbers.
- The Playstation 3 is released. People buy it. Then they go to the videogame store. There's no videogames for PS3. There aren't even videos.
- Due to having been the only next-gen console for about two years, XBox 360 has the strongest online community. Playstation 3 has about six people a dog, and a cat on their online community, and their services are free. There's a bunch of people driving go karts at ridiculus speeds and playing MoH at Nintendo's WiFi Cockslap.
- The poor sales of the Playstation 3 become the main reason for banging-head-on-desk-surface between Sony employees.
- Bill Gates pockets another twenty zillions or so.
- All Nintendo employees become catholic, so they can pray that Sony and Microsoft don't realize all they need to do to sink Wii is to copy the motion sensor remote control idea, and for them to sink the other consoles they need to include some decent hardware in the Wii.
- Though the PlayStation 2 became the best selling console, it did not participated in the console war, because in order to outmatch the Wii, it'll have to become as the "PlayStation 2.5" instead.
