Nigga stole my bike
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“Nigga stole my Yoshi!!”
~ Mario on Donkey Kong
“Nigga stole my bike!”
~ Lil Mac
“Nigga stole my votes!”
“Nigga stole my Delorian!”
~ Doctor Emet Brown
“Nigga stole my dignity..... Oh snap he got my bike too!”
~ Doped up cracka
“Nigga stole my fried chicken... they love the fried chicken!”
“Nigga stole my kike”
~ Hollywood on a kidnapping of Steven Spielberg
“Those damn nigga's... that's the 10th bike this week!”
“Oh well, I can always use my other ride.”
~ Oscar Wilde on a nigga stealing his bike
“Man, what's wrong witchu' nigga? Up to stealing bikes? AGAIN?!”
~ A nigga on his friend who steals bikes
The Nigga stole My Bike or simply NSMB (some times confused with National Socialist, Black Metal and New Super Mario Bros.) is a terrible event which happens more often then you may think. Actually, NSMB happens between 450 to 70,000 times every 6 minutes and 30 seconds, in the state of Alabama. One of the first victims of the NSMB was a caucasian kid known as Little Mac, he had a seizure and went into a coma after the event, the man responsible was sued. During the trial, the eye witness yelled the following sentence after the judge asked what was the victim's reaction: "NIGGA STOLE MY BIKE!". It was considered racism and the witness was arrested together with the victim who was still in a coma. After this polemic event, the Bike-Stealing Nigga Defender Association or simply BSNDA was created, which aimed for defending the practicers of the NSMB in court.
A couple years later the NSMB was considered an every day activity, in some contries was even considered a sport; one has to use one of the NSMB techniques to win points for the NSMB world cup. This was the official sport of Norway from 1722 to early 1929, their fanbase dwindling after The Great Niggasplosion of 1928.
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[edit] The NSMB Techniques
- FKAS
Short for "Flying Kick and Steal", the NSMBer comes flying at about 100mph and hits the driver in the face with the ankle part of the foot, causing a rapid turn of the driver's head. Sometimes this results on the driver passing out or dying due to a fracture on the spine. Either way, the driver is off, and the NSMBer has the bike.
- SBWCIELOSOS
Short for "Steal Bike While Cracker Is Eating Lunch Or Some Other Shit", probably the most peaceful of the seven Techniques. The NSMBer simply grabs the bike and pedals away while the original owner is peacefully and happily enjoying a meal. This technique may not work if a security device like a padlock is present.
- BTCAS
Short for "Bust The Cap And Steal" is one of the most uncommonly used methods. The NSMBer draws a firearm, mostly a customized 9mm or .45 pistol, aims towards the rider and pulls the trigger. This results in a rapid expansion of air within the chamber of the weapon, the slide moves to the rear, ejects the empty case, and usually cocks the pistol. On its return movement, the slide picks up a cartridge from the magazine and pushes it into the chamber, the bullet then travels between 180 and 1500 meters per second until it hits the target (in this case the bike driver). Depending where the bullet hits, the driver will flee, fall injured or die instantly. If the first possibility takes place the NSMBer will use one of the 2 other techniques to obtain the bike, if not the NSMBer will pedal away and leave the blood soaked driver lying there.
- HDITFWABBATPAGTBWTAOTFBTDASNSMFBSHMACTCAP
Short for "Hit Driver In The Face With A Baseball Bat As He Passes And Grab The Bike While He Is On The Floor Bleeding To Death And Screaming 'Nigga Stole My Fucking Bike, Somebody Help Me And Call The Cops And Paramedics". If the opportunity is open, the NSMBer draws a baseball bat, mostly one of 34" inches of length. When in close range with the driver, the NSMBer swings the bat as hard as his physical strength allows him to, aiming for the drivers face. In about half a second the driver tastes wood and blood. In most of the cases he dies right after. In the rare occasions where the driver survives, the NSMBer comes back and swings the bat again to the drivers face. This method is maybe the most satisfying for the NSMBer. Best done in a not-so crowded place, since it is quite messy and can draw attention.
- RBMRUTMWIOMBAOMAHLWFOTAHROOMBATHLTOTBAF
Short for "Random black man runs up to me while I'm on my bike, and offers me a home loan. While filling out the application, he rides off on my bike. Also, the home loan turned out to be a fraud." The title itself should explain it.
- PDOTBAPA
Short for "Push Driver Off The Bike And Pedal Away". Perhaps the simplest method of stealing a bike, although the possibility of being followed is there. Therefore, nigga often brings a knife just to be safe. In that case, the technique will be extended to "...ASITFWDA", short for "... And Stab Him In The Face While Driving Away".
- CRANPYOAYKHABHEUKYA
Short for 'Crazy Retarded Asshole Nigga Pisses You Off And You Kick His Ass But He Ends Up Kicking Your Ass' Primarily used when they want to pick a fight and make it seem like you caused it.
- AHWYBATPSHATTBHAHFOTAATJHBARHOWIAROITS
Short for 'Amaze Him With Your Blackness, And Then Pimp Slap Him And Then Tea Bag Him As He Flails On The Asphalt And Then Jack His Bike And Run Him Over With It And Ride Off Into The Sunset'. Made up by two white-ass 7th graders somewhere in da Ghetto.
- AACUOTLAUEPVTMTWTMWMFP
Short for 'Afro-American Citizen, Unrespective Of The Law And Using Extreme Physical Violence, Took My Two-Wheeled Transportation Medium Without My Further Permission'. In most cases the suffix 'AAOTHSHGIB' is added, which stands for 'And As Of Today, He Still Hasn't Given It Back'. Self-explanatory.
[edit] The NSMB Underworld
After the USA president George Dubya Bush suffered a NSMB, the Anti Nigga Stole My Bike Movement or simply ANSMBM was created. ANSMBM was pretty much the opposite of the BSNDA, it aimed for convicting the NSMB practicer for 50 years or in most of the cases, a death penalty, such as getting run over by hundreds of bikes to death. The war between the BSNDA and the ANSMBM was the biggest one after World War 4, most of the battles between these two movements took place in africa, this war resulted in more the 60 thousand dead, from both sides and black people. After 2 years of fighting a deal was settled, NSMB was made illegal by the UN all over the world. After that NSMB gangs were born all over the globe, big bike stealing attacks took place, even kamikaze attacks where a NSMB takes place and the NSMBer pedals to a cliff or to Chuck Norris. Doc Louis was the leader of the most respected NSMB gang, The Black & The Furious, Louis ordered most of the attacks.
[edit] NSMB Events
Theres lots of events regarding NSMB, such as the annual world conference which takes place in the heart of Africa, there lots of NSMBers gather to talk about their adventures and steals, a NSMB raid in the nearest town is indispensable, theres always some family games such as the sack race, where the NSMBers chase after a ordinary bike rider while jumping in a sack. Theres also a monthly NSMB party hosted by Anonymous at his residence, theres burgers, beers and lots of NSMBing.
[edit] The Chicken Defense
There were many times when black people simply needed to get around. The BSNDA would often claim that the Niggas would only steal bikes so they could get some chicken in court. ANSMBM would simply force them to plead guilty in return for some chicken. [1] [2]
