Niggers
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
The Birmingham Niggers are a professional American Minor League Baseball team from the windswept steppes of Birmingham, Alabama. Most news outlets consider the name offensive, and refuse to advertise any upcoming games or print any statistics for the team. These statistics are remarkable, however; since most other teams forfeit any games scheduled with the team, in protest of their name, The Niggers hold an amazing undefeated record. In recent history, the team considered changing their name to the New York Niggers.
"I don't understand the fuss [about the name]," says team manager Albin Whitely. "It's part of our team's history and heritage."
They have a long-standing, albeit one-sided, rivalry with the Mississippi Crackers.
Contents |
History
Founded in 1898 in Birmingham by Nathan Bedford Forrest, who also founded the Ku Klux Klan, the name was selected to "harken back to the spirit of the hard-working, fun-loving negro". The term nigger comes from the Latin "niger," which translates to "man gorging upon chicken and watermelon." It carries the connotation of gang membership, drug abuse, and murdering white bitches because some rapper said to. One day some black guy was just being a nigger, so someone just said he was a nigger. The team has been all white since its inception to minor league play. Forrest spared no expense in hiring the players for his team; he once quipped "Some teams have 'cracker jack' players, we've just got 'crackers!'"
The Niggers joined the NCAA (Niggers, Coons & African-Americans) League but of course, nobody would play them. The only exception was in the mid 1960s when the Cleveland Steamers cited interest in playing against the team; the Steamers won, but were disbanded a few years later.
Of late there have been moves by the owners to instead claim that the team is actually named after Guy Gibson's (of Dam Busters fame) pet dog, though they have thus far been unsuccessful (possibly as Americans don't realize that anyone else was in World War II).
Venues
Forrest's original team played in one of baseball's first venues, a ballpark that featured a wooden grandstand and bleachers surrounding the diamond. Officially named Stonewall Jackson Memorial Stadium, fans simply dubbed it the "Slave Shack", the storied first home of the Niggers.
In the 1956 season, the owners group deemed that the old Shack was a firetrap and an eyesore. Money was raised for a new home for the team. The Nathan Bedford Forrest Stadium was named for the Niggers (and Klan) founder. Once again, fans gave the new venue its popular name "Shotgun Shack". The Shotgun was a concrete bowl structure that also served as the home of the football and soccer teams of Birmingham.
The Niggers played 40 great seasons at the Shotgun, but fans longed for a cozier, baseball specific stadium. In 1996 work was begun on the current home of the Niggers. With corporate sponsorship by Nabisco, the 1997 season saw the Niggers in Ritz Cracker Stadium. A baseball-only park with lines and dimensions that echo baseball's golden age venues. As usual in Niggers history, fans have dubbed the new stadium "The Projects".
Greats
Several famously racist major leaguers got their start with the Birmingham Niggers. Of note is Ty Cobb, the Detroit Tigers great, who began in the minor leagues for the Niggers. The "Georgia Peach," as he was affectionately called, credited his enlightened race relations approach to Birmingham. He took the opposing fans' signs of "Beat the Niggers" to heart, and tales of Cobb beating up black fans, black hotel employees, and black blacktoppers abound.
The Slave Shack was host to Cap Anson, who kept African-Americans out of Major League ball until 1947.
In more recent years, pitcher John Rocker has called Birmingham home for his minor league career.
Barry Bonds is the only noted black man to have escaped from the Birmingham Niggers into white baseball.
Uniforms
The Team's colors are Brown, Black, and Tan. The home uniform is a light tan with "Niggers" emblazoned on the chest in black. A small "Rufus" logo in the center of the black caps and helmets is also present in the road uniforms. The jersey and pant colors for the road are the dark brown with "Niggers" in black.
Branding
In the midst of recent depressed team memorabilia sales, ownership launched a campaign to update or change the mascot to better appeal to the modern fan base. A survey was conducted from fan input and proposed mascot changes included the Alabama Porch Monkey, the Jungle Bunny, the Coon, the Jackalope, Buckwheat (the little colored boy, not the cereal), Oprah Winfrey, a piece of poo, Brothers Bill Clinton and George Clinton, Shaft, Michael Jackson, a Moon Cricket, Wesley Snipes, Tommy Sheridan, Vanilla Ice, and Jeffery the Chicken.
Controversy
Controversy has arisen over the name, imagery, and the lack of African-American players or management of the team. Boycotts, protests, and lawsuits have plagued the team in modern times. Downplaying the controversy, the team's media guide notes: "You don't see any Native Americans playing for the Indians or Redskins, do you?" NAACP spokesman I.M. White replied "No self-respecting brother would play in such an environment."
The American Civil Liberties Union represented the Niggers and the NFL football team, the Nebraska Nazis, in three separate court cases, claiming the fans of both teams had the right to dress up in blackface or has Hitler respectively. They won all their court cases, sparking nationwide riots each time.
New Ownership?
Beginning in the 1970s, a number of African-American celebrities have expressed interest in "reclaiming the Niggers". Elder statesman and star of Cooking with Freebase, Richard Pryor, began discussions in the 1970s, though no movement was made toward a sale at that time. In the early 1990s, noted physician Dr. Dre expressed a desire to "Shout out to my Niggers!" True to form, however, the management group of the team refused any offers from Black entrepreneurs, and also denied rumors of an imminent sale (or indeed a later Eminem sale). Whitely remarked "I'm never selling my Niggers!"
See Also
| | Featured version: 19 November 2005 |
This article has been featured on the front page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
| |
| Four Letter-Words |
|---|
| The A Word • The B Word • The C Word • The D Word • The E Word • The F Word • The G Word • The H Word • The I Word • The J Words • The K Words • The L Word • The M Word • The MF Word • The N Word • The Ñ Word • The O Word • The P Word • The Q Word • The R Word • The S Word • The T Word • The U Word • The V Word • The W Word • The X Word • The Y Word • The Z Word |
| Pro League Baseball | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| AC | Northeast | Midwest | Pacific |
| Baltimore Orioles | Chicago White Sox | Los Angeles Angels | |
| Boston Red Sox | Cleveland Indians | Oakland Athletics | |
| New York Yankees | Detroit Tigers | Seattle Mariners | |
| Tampa Bay Devil Rays | Kansas City Royals | Texas Rangers | |
| Toronto Blue Jays | Minnesota Twins | ||
| NC | Atlantic Coast | Redneck | Far West |
| Atlanta Braves | Chicago Cubs | Arizona Diamondbacks | |
| Florida Marlins | Cincinnati Reds | Colorado Rockies | |
| New York Mets | Houston Astros | Los Angeles Dodgers | |
| Philadelphia Phillies | Milwaukee Brewers | San Diego Padres | |
| Washington Nationals | Pittsburgh Pirates | San Francisco Giants | |
| St. Louis Cardinals | |||
| Fundamental Stereotypes | |
| Americans | Armenians | Asian People | Assholes | Babies | Beatniks | Black People | Brits | Brunettes | Canadians | Captains | Cavemen | Chavs | Communists | Dirty Sanchezes | Dolphins | Emos | Feminists | Filipinos | Furries | Gays | Geeks | Gypsies | Hippies | Heroes | Japanese | Jehovah's Witnesses | Jews | Lesbos | Men | Minsters | Mormons | Nazis | Nerds | Ninjas | Pirates | Ninja Pirates | Poets | Politicians | Psychics | Redheads | Retards | Thieves | Toddlers | Trekkies | Vegetarians | White People | Women | You |




