Nihilists
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“Such obedient critters!”
~ Oscar Wilde on nihilists
Contents |
[edit] Origins
Nihilists are from the planet Nihilia which is about the size of a softball and located in the sewers of Germany. While the nihilists are minding their own business some sewer rats crawl to their planet nihilia and pick it up with their teeth. This is a natural disater nihilithonians call "N.E.R.D" or: Nihithonian Eating Rats Destroy.
[edit] Culture
There are two indistinct types of nihilists. First there are the orthodox nihilists who, upon learning to walk, make a pilgramage to Nietzsche's grave, nuclear bomb it, and then commit suicide. The other group, the reform nihilists, go around claiming to want the universe destroyed but in the end manage to destroy very little of it. They tend to drag out their lives well into the fourth decade, giving a hard time to anyone who hasn't seen the light of being cold, mechanical, and a lousy lay. This ensures that they are "nobody's fool" and that they don't get caught off-guard with a Robert Anton Wilson book. These folks just adore math, logic, and science and can often be found making out with lawnmowers, pictures of Ayn Rand or Mr. Spock, South Park action figures, dead dogs, Seth Putnam, or chunks of silicon.
Hatred and uniformity are the most important family values for nihilists. This is mainly because the education system on Nihilia is a joke and no one makes it past the fourth grade, even though the 27-grade school system is still in place. The schools are implemented with such ridiculous concepts as uniforms, nametags, camera monitors, electric chairs, skull ashtrays (of former students), and three-hour breaks (to go home and be with the family). Family life consists mostly of physical violence with occasional exhaustion. Any child on Nihilia caught sounding like it has any sort of playfulness, silliness, nonsensical behavior, or enlightenment is quickly shot in the face by a parent or teacher.
[edit] Entertainment
Entertainment for nihilists consists mainly of Nazi propaganda films; flesh wounds; the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (reminds them of home); South Park; Denis Leary; sitting in chat rooms for 183-hour stretches just in case someone pops in who isn't as miserable as they are and PWNIN6 them; and any music that has blunt lyrics against women, gays, blacks, Jews, Lithuanians, the Burmese, France, Baton Rouge, oriental cooking, pina colada muffins, or gallium.
Aspiring to be cold and mechanical, these creatures may also be drawn to any music that involves banging a bunch of metal around. Joy Division is considered by some to be "too upbeat". Sometimes they avoid music altogether, considering outfits such as Alien Sex Fiend or Einsturzende Neubauten to be "too emotionally involving."
[edit] Literature
Nihilists will read anything as long as it further excuses them from being selfish and serving homeless people to their dog. Many of them have the intellect of a home computer; unfortunately, they also have the wisdom of a home computer. They pride themselves on being "literary" only because this means your aloofly nonsensical actions prove that you have never even heard of the author they are so deep into that they only discovered three days ago.
