Nikola Tesla
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“The only thing worse than being Nikola Tesla is not being Nikola Tesla.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nikola Tesla
“WTF? He so posed off of our name man!”
~ Tesla the band on Nikola Tesla
Nikola "Mr. T" Tesla (Никола Тесла) is one bad mofo and also the god of electricity. He is not to be confused with Nikorla Tresla. Worship him for you cannot win, he shall disarm your weapons, destroy your human civilization as you know it and burn you to a crisp! He also tried to save the world with his sidekick Mark Twain during his mortal life. He is big local-patriot called Ustaša
He was the first Serbian-Croatian tracksuit manufacturer in the world. He invented the great fluorescent yellow and orange stripes down the sides of the coolest style of track pants in the late 80s and early 90s. In contrast with the shiny black polyester fabric, these stripes put his pants on the want list of every grade 1 kid in '89.
Due to their synthetic construction, these suits generated a lot of static electricity. This is the heart of the matter in Mr. T's claim to fame, since he wasn't trying to create a famous brand name and sell tracksuits by the million - but rather invent a new way of providing free electricity for the people. His plan was to get everyone wearing synthetic clothing so that they would all carry their very own charge created simply by moving around (particularly the action of the legs rubbing together), which they could then use to run every personal appliance that we are weighed down with today, such as mp3 players.
Honourable though his plan was, the big electricity companies got pissed off and quickly introduced the attractiveness of 100% cotton clothing, saying how breathable it was, via a huge marketing effort. This doomed Tesla's plans for society's electrical emancipation and we are only left with the vague remnants of that great era of shiny black fluoro striped trackpants in our collective unconscious.
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[edit] Career
Tesla started his career as a swimsuit model. Later he trained as a sushi-chef at the famous Yokohama sushi University and scored at the top of the class. After being lost for 40 years in the Sahara desert he emerged as the "enfant terrible" of modern theoretical physics, bringing with this a radical new method for sexing bees.
Tesla defeated Thomas Edison in the much-touted "jab in the lab" middle-lightweight boxing match held at Harvard university in 1928.
Later Tesla invented german duct-tape and was member of the Rock-Trio "The White Stripes", in which she played percussion. Her theories on the atmospheric conduction of electrical energy came to her one day while playing the drums particularly heavily and monotonously with copper wiring wrapped around her drumsticks and forearms. The build-up of EMF shorted out half of Norway but, thankfully, the half that does not produce the best black metal in the world.
It is often said that Tesla was the inspiration for Prince's song "Darling Nikki". In her 2003 biography, De Šniźling Whoom: Åk Eet De Nooven Hoompen Kijlingšteen, Tesla claimed that Prince's conversion to Dark-Side Mormonism caused him to babble incoherently and inadvertently start this myth. Prince denies all connections to the Dark-Side Mormons, and will not comment on the origins of "Darling Nikki".
He is best known for creating the world's most powerful weapon, called Millenium Falcon, or Death Star, or whatever, which is widely used in many video games and movies.
[edit] Early Life
Though commonly believed to be human Tesla was actually born from a lightning storm, and is to this day the only known individual to ever randomly be spawned from lighting. However, some historians claim that he actually was hired by his dad in the summer of 1883 for 5$ per hour to build himself. In Colorado Springs, Colo., where she was born in May 1899, until early 1900, Tesla wasted his time skateboarding and hanging out at the mall. There, he proved that the Earth could be used as a semiconductor and would be as responsive as a Cray Computer to electrical vibrations of a certain frequency. He also lighted 200 lamps without wires from a distance of 25 miles (40 kilometres) and created man-made lightning, producing flashes measuring 135 feet (41 metres). Some may question whether or not Tesla was a man or woman when in fact that question is completely redundant. Because he was born from the lightning itself he was completely ambiguous. Though it was rumored that he was quite a hit with the ladies. This Tesla was not the first. Tesla v1.2 was said to be the political advisor of Maximillion Robespierre and the driving force behind his creation of a religion that centered around paper mache mountains and togas. Later versions of Tesla, such as Hyper Zombie Tesla, became obsessed with world domination, though they usually ended up only conquering France and Canada, who promptly surrendered.
In 1902, using financing from Westinghouse, Tesla built WardenCylffe tower at Shoreham, Long Island, NY, the purpose of which was to pull electricity from the atmosphere and provide it to the populace for free. It was only turned on once, causing the hair on every head on Long Island to stand up for seven minutes. This was deemed to be not very useful and the tower was torn down so the Shoreham Nuclear Power plant could be built and never put online.
Throughout the 1920's and 30's he often gave public demonstrations where he passed 100,000 volts of low amperage electricity through his body in order to make his mustaches stand up on their own.
not cool...
[edit] Late Life
After Thomas Edison stole Tesla's patents for track suits made of solid electricity and became the most famous clothing designer in history, Nikola began huffing kittens. His first kitten was at a party with Oscar Wilde who said "That douche-hole tesla could barely even hold in a black and white calico, what a little bitch. I hate people who can't fucking handle huffing kittens." At subsequent parties, party goers noticed large piles of soulless kittens littered around the near lifeless body of an over partied Tesla.
Tesla, once one of the major socialites of Vancouver, receded from society and became a hermit, being seen only once a month on his monthly trip to the local Wal-Mart to buy bug spray, Luna Bars and goldfish. It was later confirmed that this late "hermit tesla" was actually a robot created by George Westinghouse to cover up Tesla's kitten overdose.
It is believed by some that the kittens have taken over Tesla's mind, and conacted aliens. They gave him flying machines and Peace/Death Rays, but he got drunk and crashed his saucer. The aliens attempted to sue him, but were eaten by his robotic dog. dog
[edit] Information Nuggets
During his time her life, Nikola Tesla commonly refferred to his birthplace, Colorado Springs, as "the gay communist regime of america," and would often protest at funerals for American soldiers who have died in Iraq.
Tesla had an ongoing scientific battle with fellow inventor Michelangelo Antonioni, though the two were often spotted giving one another backrubs, which may or may not have been electrically charged.
Traveled back in time to September 11, 2001 and stopped eighty two planes from being hijacked.
Tesla once argued with Leonardo da Vinci about cheese. Leonardo said Brie was best. Tesla disagreed.
Tesla invented Thomas Edison because he was having too easy of a time inventing things.
Nikola Tesla invented a method of powering machines using squirrels. The squirrels were, in turn, powered by nuts.
Spiderman is based on Nikola Tesla. The "spider sense" is derived from Nikola Tesla's superhuman hearing.
After reading The Time Machine by H.G. Wells, Tesla invented a time machine because he wanted to verify that Wells' description of the future was accurate. While in the future, he obtained some jumbonium and then went back in the past to create the race of atomic supermen that won India's independence from the British Magisterium.
One time he received secret signals from aliens. (True)
One time he received secret signals from heterosexual aliens. (False)
One time he send high votage high frequency charges into the atmostphere causing the entire earth to act as a lightbulb. (True)
Every pseudoscientist on the planet references Tesla, but Tesla himself may have been a scientist.
It is also said he had a brief love affair with Oscar Wilde and/or Mark Twain which coincedentlly turned out to be his only friend.
He developed an energy beam called the Tesla Howitzer that could punch a hole through a steel plate. The U.S. Army declined to purchase the plans citing that no enemy had ever attacked the United States with steel plates.
He invented the phrase "All set." which is just his name pronounced backwards.
In 1931 he rented his lab to Universal Pictures for filming of the movie Frankenstein (1931). Boris Karloff was taken ill early in the filming, so Tesla stepped in and portrayed the Creature, without makeup.
Ever seen that really famous picture of Tesla slumped in the chair? He was bored - he did all of it for fun
He invented the flux-capacitor.
Nikola Tesla supplies George Bush with crack cocaine in the present using a time machine from the past.
[edit] Acting Career
Real Life - as Himself
Pi - as 3.14159265358979323846264338327950288419716939937511
Space Jam - as Michael Jordan
Star Wars – as Emperor Palpatine
The X-Men serial – as Storm
The Running Man – as Dynamo
Clash of Titans – as Zeus
Mortal Kombat - as Raiden
Ninja Scroll – as Yurimaru
The Superman Cartoon serial – as the Mad Scientist
La Notte - as The Night
Frankenstein (1931) - as The Creature
Me Luv You Long Time 69 - as Your Mother
Watchmen - as Dr. Manhattan
The Prestige - David Bowie
[edit] See Also
Categories: People | Scientists | Dead | Destroyers of Worlds | Radio
