Nine Inch Nails
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“Oh yes a chaming melody ol' Trent play's-a perfect gift for Mothers Day”
~ Noel Coward on the music of Nine Inch Nails
“Really?? Like an animal you say?”
~ Oscar Wilde on the (suggestiveness) music of Nine Inch Nails
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Иine Inch Иails is a barbershop quartet that was created in 1984 as the brainchild of Trent Moany mouth Reznor as a means of raising money to support his debilitating Wikipedia habit but mostly to find a new muse for his screenplay writing addiction.
Conceived to be a new version of the always popular boy band-aid, it rivaled other popular acts such as New Kids on the Block and Madonna.
Иine Inch Иails was first signed to a major record label in 1985, but due to a tragic tricycle accident, their first record "Positively Aesthetic Mechanical Non-Living Object Of Strong Negative Emotion Dissimilar To Love" was delayed by several years. It was released to lukewarm media acceptance and sold like room temperature cakes filled with gooie cream.
Nonetheless, it featured the popular singles "Cranial Appendage Closely Resembling the Cavity of an Object", and "Opposite of Up Out of It".
Following a period of creative inconsistency and a break-up with live-in lover Boy George, NIN released their next album The Thing That Goes Down In a Somewhat Circling Motion in 1994, which was known mostly for the popular Fuck You Like an Elephant song and the haunting finale, "Owie", which was later covered by Johnny Cash. However, some have said that Reznor's and Cash's relationship is "gayer than it seems at first glance."
ИIИ stoured extensively across the US and Neptune, discovering Disneyland-based act Marilyn Manson along the way. They got along famously and have since enjoyed a long and productive friendship, although insider sources question whether they are 'too close to just be friends'.
Following the Swirly Thing That Goes Down tour, the band degenerated in a downward spiral, while fans waited anxiously for the next studio release. During this time, a number of bootleg tracks of the band's music were pieced together by fans and compiled into an unofficial album, Fraggles, which was noteworthy for generating lawsuits by both the band's music label and by Jim Henson Productions, Inc.
In 1999, NIN unleashed their third studio album, titled "The Thing That Breaks Easily]]" Cameos abounded in this album, including vocals from Manson, former inspiration Madonna, and Jesus, whom they accepted as Lord and Saviour during the Thing That Goes Down In a Somewhat Circling Motion tour. There was speculation about the relationship between Jesus and Trent Reznor, some saying it looked like more than friendship.
These days fans the world over (except for those fuckheads in Morocco) are anxiously awaiting NIN's new studio album, tentatively called "Emitting Something Red That Stains Clothing", but changed to "With Those Things In Your Mouth That You Use To Break Up Food So It Can Be Swallowed Easily". Internet leaks of their first single "Sk8r Boi", complete with a video portraying NIN dressed as kittens, have only whetted fans appetites but they were quickly satiated with what observers described as a 'delicious-looking "ham & cheese sandwich".
As Иine Inch Иails happens to be the only source of energy for the entire Midwest, the United States Government is pursuing a project that could possibly make Nine Inch Nails split into three. Nine, Inch, and Nails (the three branches) would be used as fuel for the giant nuclear reactor that is located deep within the center of Thing That Goes Down In a Somewhat Circling Motion.
They also tortured monkeys and killed living things for their own entertainment (including a gothy dude), then released it into a "Video Cassete Tape" for everyone to see. It was called "Unfixed", and it started the ESPN drought of 1337. It was a horrible year in history. Other things included on the tape were images of what appeared to be gorillas smacking tied up midgets with large fish.
Иine Inch Иails has an official site, nin.com, where people must pay for membership to join and discuss Иine Inch Иails, these online forum patrons are known as "nincompoops".
Иine Inch Иails recently released their new album Year Diddly-Squat on April 17, 3005. Its is a concept album that takes place 250 years in the future when Jesus and George Bush The 10th have a nuclear baby named Jesus Bush causing the world to end. Jesus Bush eventually dies from listening to crappy nirvana demo's supplied by Satan (we all knew satan created those shitty demo's so Dave Grohl Dont you fucking hide it.) Year Diddly-Squat sold .3 copies in its 1st week. It released 2 singles so far: "I Will Not Survive in a Crowded Room With My Band" and "g".
During their Year Diddly-Squat tour, members of the band were shocked and upset when they heard one of their audience members shout out, "Your songs suck so bad, you couldn't give them away!" So they did. Having angered the record companies so badly that no one would sign them up for another album, the band subsequently recorded two albums in the space of seven days, Boo! and Nyahh nyahh nyahh, you can't find us. They then started handing out copies of the album on street corners, in the hope that word-of-mouth would keep their cash flowing in.
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[edit] Major Milestones
- 1889 - Bought out Tendo Company Limited, a small Japanese Mafia business affiliate, and renamed it NINtendo. ...get it???
- 1989 - Released Positively Aesthetic Non-Living Object Of Strong Negative Emotion Dissimilar To Love, first 1000 copies came with free issue of Us Weekly.
- 1989/1990 - Trent uses Richard Patrick's skin as an ashtray. Richard was famous for the amazing guitar solo work on "Positively Aesthetic Non-Living Object Of Strong Negative Emotion Dissimilar To Love". He later formed a band that eventually sucked then joined a super group out of left over parts of other, simularly abused musicians.
- 1992 - Took Marilyn Manson's make-up off, forced him to play guitar in the video Gave Up.
- 1992 - Trent Reznor died and was recessitated following a BDSM incident invovling some kind of "chair".
- 1993/1994 - Trent forgets to turn off his teakettle while recording "Hurt".
- 1994 - Mud-wrestled Robin Finck at Woodstock '94, and touched his genitals by accident. "They were gross and squishy" - Trent Reznor
- 1995/1996 - Trent claimed too many times that he wanted to be closer (I Want To Fuck You Like An Elephant).
- 1997 - After spending years in his laboratory, Trent created a more perfect version of methamphetamine, and celebrated by shooting a video depicting him forcing tied up midgets to take the meth, causing them to become large, green, and very strong.
- 1999 - Trent bought a really big porcelain vase and dropped the box down a flight of stairs. As he was picking up the pieces, he stared at the box, which was marked FRAGILE!... The rest is history.
- 1999 - Produced "Sodomy and Me" with Marilyn Manson
- 2000 - released remix album 'UNBREAKABLE' under stage name "Westlife"
- 2001 Reznor gives birth to Reznor 2.0, due to an accident with a contraceptive and a time machine. Wacky antics ensue.
- 2002 - Nine Inch Nails released its first dance instruction video, "And All That Could Have Been But Obviously Wasn't Or It'd Be And All That Happened".
- 2005 - Trent Reznor cuts his hair, causing fans all around the world to cry themselves to sleep. Many fans also commit suicide. Some even go so far as to tie midgets to themselves and jump off of Skyscrapers. Norelco capitalizes on the situation and releases the Reznor ShavR, which does great and is the leading source of deaths of Nine Inch Nails fans who were angry about Trent's new haircut.
- May 2005 - Nine Inch Nails releases "With Those Things In Your Mouth That You Use To Break Up Food So It Can Be Swallowed Easily", an album based on Trent Reznor's experiences at the dentist.
- July 2005 - Trent becomes spokesperson for Bowflex.
- December 2005 - Trent Reznor is nominated for an Emmy for his guest appearance on General Hospital.
- January 2006 - Trent Reznor harnesses cold fusion for the home.
- February 2006 - Jerome Dillon has a heart attack. Trent is heard saying, "See, he did have a heart condition!"
- March 2006 - Trent Reznor successfully masturbates to Doom III and starts looking like that guy from Lost.
- April 2006 - Trent Reznor's neck mysteriously disappears.
- June 2006 - Trent Reznor introduces Peter Murphy to Bowflex.
- July 2006 - Trent Reznor begins growing his hair back to donate to Peter Murphy's hair implant surgery.
- August 2006 - "I'll start working on it next week, I suppose." - Trent Reznor on Oprah, talking about the new album.
- May 2049 - "Year 2(50 + 25)- (240 - 90)" is released.
- September 2050 - Nine Inch Nails "Live:Beside You in a vacum in space that is quite chilly." is released.
- October 2050 - Trent Reznor dies. Zombie Trent Reznor is born.
- March 2051 - Zombie Trent Reznor releases an autobiography called "Life After Undeath - The Story of Zombie Trent Reznor"
- April 2007 - The new album "In Search for a Better Name for An Album" is released, to the disdain of goths all over the world. Zombie Trent Reznor goes on tour with Dashboard Confessional for his "Make Lauto-fellatio not Hate" tour.
- August 0000 - David Bowie rolls over in his grave when Zombie Trent Reznor finally reveals he has actually sold out. Zombie Trent Reznor releases Y34RZ3R0 1'm 4 Fuck1ng D0uch3 R3M1X3D.
- March 0001 - Reznor releases First to Fourth Possibly Fictional Non-Living Being Equal to A Soul on the internets which pissed off the record labels, letting Reznor, critics and fans laugh at their expense and epic failure.
- May 1,000,000 - Reznor releases The Act Upon Sliding on Solid Ground and Tripping Over on the internets. People were more pleased as it didn't include the boring bullshit which plagued First to Fourth Possibly Fictional Non-Living Being Equal to A Soul. It included such tracks as Be A Good Boy and Reflecting Someone's Bullshit Nobody Cares About
