Nintendo
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“Ever sense I can remember I've been h8tin' Nintendo”
~ WHENMUDSTANDZONEDGE on H8tin' Nintendo
“Nintendo has possessed my soul! FLEE!”
~ Taylor Worrel on Lunchtime chat
“Nintendo is a Japanese company.”
~ Adam Sessler on Meet the Sess
“Nintendo makes Nintendo products.”
~ Captain Obvious on Nintendo
“What the heck is a Nintendo Gamepoop?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Nintendo
“I knew the Japanese would take over the world one day, i just didn't think that day would be today.”
~ Chuck Norris on Nintendo
Nintendo has taken over this page and added it to their monopoly! Everyone flee!!
Nintendo is an Ancient Religion unearthed in the year 1889 A.D. It is the state religion of the Örebro City-State (see:The Glass House Prophet).
Please note: The Console War article at the top of the page became infected with Molten Gay, which spread to this article and created the "Nintendo's Sxual Experiment" section. Fortunately, the homophobia Police managed to stop the spread of Molten Gay by huffing the Console War article. They then edited the "Nintendo's Sxual Experiment" section to become straight. However, the section could not be deleted because of high levels of Gay Radiation.
[edit] The Birth And Death Of The Mario Bros.....And of Course, their EVENTUAL resurrection, and Luigi's SECOND death.
Born in South-Eastern Europe in 1383, Mario Mario grew up in poverty with his brother, Luigi Mario. One reason for this is because the brothers' natural talent of plumbing went untapped for centuries, until Sir John Harrington invented the toilet. Of course, there were no pipes to plumb, but they did a good deal of ripping people off and taking their money princesses from Bowser. Mario was arrested at the age of 213, and died in prison. His brother was gunned down at the scene of the arrest and marinated in his own ragu. This is definitely not a Robot Chicken reference....
666 years after these events, as Mario and Luigi lay dormant in their crypts, a group of wandering teenagers, who were supposed to be on a 'camping trip' that they planned for years who's car had suddenly ran out of mushrooms, so they split up into groups of two. One with two guys and the other two one girl and one guy, but then there was the cousin left, who went off on his own... Anyway, the group that had the Black Jock and the Ugly Teen Girl stumbled across the house and had the fantastic idea of going in when no one answered to see if they could: n 1. Ask for directions. 2. See if they could get any spare mushrooms. 3. Call for help. 4. Borrow a condom.
But on their escapades through the house they noticed something very odd, though everything was horribly dirty, it appeared all the faucets and plumbing worked correctly and seem to flush just the right about, they wondered if the house could possibly be inhabited by a family of fat plumbers............
They then stumbled into the BACK ROOM.*Over Dramatic Lighting*. Here they discovered a coffin, though the girl was terrified, the Jock was a cocky little Prick and decided to open it up, while she went round the room looking at the vast array of books. Within the coffin was the cold corpse of a green-suited plumber. Cold. LIFELESS. Dead.
However, the Nerdy Girl decides that a green plumbing guide is the most interesting thing there, and she reads the incantation on the front and, LOW AND BEHOLD, Luigi is back, and commences in killing the Jock (remember, the black guy always dies first...racist bastards) and kills the Ugly Teen Girl by jumping on her head.
He then continues to kill them all until the last girl, the smart mysterious one and the Cousin of the Jock meet and work together to take down Luigi, horrible killing him with a technique known as 'Crushed By Too Many Cans Of Mountain Dew'. The police then arrive and the two survive, with a car driving, them sitting, hand in hand.
BUT! A clip then shows another room in the back of the house, and rising up, 'It's-a-me! MARIO!' This led to the creation of the Nintendo Corporation.
[edit] Nintendo Inc.
In the early 1900's, arguably retarded Japanese men patented the company " Nintendo Incorporated." They created "Handafunda" cards, which were essentially breasts on a piece of badly cut cardboard. More intelligent women attempted to help the company take off, but were then locked in a house and sent back in time. These women were known as Geishas because of how gay the whole scenario was. Little did the men who locked them up know, they would start the entire ring of Japanese Prostitution. Thanks be praised!
The heads of Nintendo Inc., which was at this point worth about 13 Yen, decided to look into magical arts, after sending the Geishas back in time. On a trip to Egypt, they discovered the two unfailing branches of magic, Black magic and White magic. However, they had no idea what treachery was soon to follow.
[edit] The Soft Squares
The President of Nintendo Inc., who was aptly named "Prez," sought to promote equality throughout his company. Ironically, he had a strict "AZN's Only" policy on new employees. Anyway, he released the secret of Black magic jujitsu throughout the branches of his company, but only taught White magic to those who had been with Nintendo for more than a week.
The new employees did not look kindly on this. Seeing as they all had the same level of erectile dysfunction, they thought this was a prejudice, which was totally true. They formed a group known as the "Soft Squares." Soft, referencing their affliction, and Square, they just thought it'd be a cool combination. They raided Prez's house in the middle of the night, hoping to steal the secret of White magic. Once they got into the house, they raped his three daughters and his twenty prostitutes with the help of the Black magic spell "Strengthen Wood." Feeling accomplished enough, they left. About eight hours later, they realized they forgot the white magic, and went back to Prez's house. They found that all twenty five members of the household (Prez, his wife, his daughtes, and all of his "bitches") had committed seppuku The Soft Squares cast "Fira" on the house, stole the "Scroll of White Magic," and ran off into the night, never to be seen again. Some suppose they stuck together and formed the now-famous "SquareSoft," using their prowess in Black and White magic to form witty and powerful characters in their video games. The company then fell promptly once every single member was violently murdered via Nintendo's Black Magic Jujitsu Ninjas.
[edit] Healing Nintendo Inc.
Prez's life-long friend, Oscar Wilde, took temporary control of the company. Wilde, however, had better things to do, so he created Satoru Iwata, an Asian Sensation, to head the company. After many years of repair, the Iwata decided to look into Electronic Entertainment.
[edit] The Human Gallbladder
Otherwise known as a cholecyst, it is a pear-shaped organ that stores about 50 ml of bile (or "gall") until the body needs it for digestion. It is also rumored to be the name of Nntendo's next handheld device that will be released in the next two to one-hundred years.(or when people start throwing out their old ds systems)
[edit] The Bros. Return
Iwata secretly tried to solve the mystery behind the twenty-five suicides that gave him his power. To do this, he created a magic portal in Ass, Italy, from which crawled many horrible demons. Iwata was inspired by these demons to create some really badass games. However, he was pretty much screwed over, because...they were demons.
Luckily, seconds before death, two men in bright red and green clothes came from the portal. Using fireballs, hammers, and sometimes even jumping, the Mario Bros. saved Iwata. Iwata decided with this power, he could rule the world. He made Mario and Luigi generals of his new underground army, but continued to provide glorious entertainment for children and adults alike. Now the Mario Bros. kill all who deny the unending power of Nintendo.
[edit] Nintendo's Sxual Experiment
Nintendo, has been planning to install a feature on the Wii, in which the characters...well the female characters become real, and come out of the screen.Yes they are living, and yes they are as horny as any one could, ever, ever, ever, ever be.
You see they, walk up on the person playing that specific game and say "Take me, handsome" and proceed to jump on the person, and stroke there wang until it's boned.They then zip the pants down. and suck away.Soon they get married, and the character demands sex every single day, and they have sex for the rest of they're lives.
AWESOME BY AZA!!!!
[edit] The Nintendo cyborg
Nintendo was secretly implanting chips in every one of there products! They are working on a cyborg that will kill mankind. The chip changes the nintendo product to a cyborg once the boss cyborg Nintendo is making sends a special message. That is why I am warning you. Especially wii and ds users, the wii are the most powerful cyborg. They use nunchuks and remotes. It also combines any electronics to it self. No I am not joking it could combine with a 48 inch t.v.The ds uses a ds pen except it sharpens it and stabs you with it, it oftens disguise as a normal ds sometime to hide it's idenity. The cyborg is due for release in late 2008 so no worries, you probably won't see it in your lifetime, since you will mistake it for a R.O.B. sitting next to your old NES with an evil laser pointer.
[edit] Nintendo's Master Plan
On the release of Sony's 60GB PS3, Nintendo, laughing at it, decided to make an evil master plan that would destroy Sony. They sent a CD of Mario using Eye Beams to the Sony bosses, and hypnotised them into taking the 60GB out of production. Nintendo then forced the Sony executives to make a 40GB PS3 that did not play PS2 games, and an 80GB that will cost $1,000,000. The next stage of the plan involves the creation of a 20GB model that doesn't play PS3 games either, and a 0GB model that plays Wii and Xbox 360 games. The 0GB model is basically a bulky black target for legal action (for copyright breaches).
[edit] Misc. Facts
-Ass, Italy was completely leveled by the demons that continued spewing from the portal.
-Shameless advertising techniques like paying people to create dummy propaganda accounts (e.g. Geraint Richards who does not exist)
-Nintendo is trying to go Bankrupt after the Prez was possesed by a demon which did not spring from Italy, but sprung from Chef's arse.
-Iwata completely forgot about Prez's death, and didn't actually care to begin with. In fact, Nobody cares.
-If a Nintendo fan sees you playing a game that's not made by Nintendo, they will attempt to brutally stab you,then watch joyfully as you writhe in pain while stating that it was for the good of mankind.
-In Mexico, Nintendo is called Nientiendo.
Since then he has enlisted the following people into his army:
Link of Detroit, Michigan.
Donkey Kong of Naroobi, Kenya
Star Fox of Leischester, England.
Samus Aran of Melbourne, Australia.
Pikachu of Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Captain Falcon of Amsterdam, Netherlands.
Weird Al' Yankovic of Iceland.
Kirby of that place
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[edit] External links that we don't want to hear about
Categories: Nintendo | Mario | Video Games | Companies | Software Development | Horny | Voldemort's Weapons | Japan
