Nitrogen
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“Nitrogen is the fuel of the devil.”
~ Jesus on Nitrogen
“Honestly, nobody cares about Nitrogen. Why does everyone make such a big deal about it?”
~ Rosie O. Donnell on Nitrogen
“Nitrogen? Is that in any way similar to Ethenol? In that case, I enjoy it.”
~ Irish on Nitrogen
“Ethenol?”
~ Oscar Wilde on the Irish on Nitrogen
“Captain Bald is Bald.”
~ Nitrogen on Bald people
Nitrogen totally sucks. Anyone who likes Nitrogen is wrong, because Nitrogen totally sucks.
Contents |
[edit] Why Nitrogen Sucks
[edit] Nitrogen's Latin Definition
This is pretty self-explanitory. Nitrogen is from the two latin compounds Nitres, which means Blows, and genus, which means Sorta. Since Latin is based on a similar tongue, Mexican, it is backwords, so it literally means Totally Sucks.
This is up to debate, because the Mexicanians believe that Latin is based on German, which is wrong, because Latin is way not cool enough to be Germanic.
NOW, BREATH IN BREATH OUT BREATH IN BREATH OUT
IF YA ICED UP PULL YA SLEEVES OUT
PUSH A BIG TRUCK PULL YA KEYS OUT
BREATH IN BREATH OUT BREATH IN BREATH OUT
NOW DROP
[edit] 7th Place
Nitrogen sucks so much, it's in 7th place on the Periodic Table. The only thing that sucks more than Nitrogen is Oxygen, and since that chemical is totally useless anyway, we'll assume that Nitrogen is the worst.
[edit] Ancient Uses
Nitrogen is found in abondance in the anusphere, which is why the Greeks named it NitresGenus. One time, the Romans tried to use Nitrogen for plumbing. Because it is usually a gas, it didn't work, so they switched to lead, because Romans are not very smart.
[edit] The Origins of Nitrogen
It all began millions of years ago in 2005, at the World Monocle Wearing Championship. During the course of events, Oscar Wilde was accused of using performance enhancing steroids in his semifinal match against Cat with Plate. His Wildness was expelled from the World Monocle Wearing Championship International Confederation Association (or NAMBLA) and declared that he would one day seek revenge. As the eons passed, most had forgotton the threats of the Mighty Butt-Rammer, but then, in early 2006, his revenge came. Oscar descended upon the earth and used his magical fire-breath to set the earth a flame.
In order to stop the great fire, Cat with Plate set out to seek the frost giant Nitrogenous deep in the forests of Canadia. Upon entiring the domain of Nitrogeneous, or the N-zone as he called it because he is a total douchebag, Cat with Plate was viciously raped, as is Canadian tradition. so coverd with semen, Cat with Plat begged Nitrogeneous to put out the fire. After many hours of consideration, a few rim-jobs and ton of LSD, Nitrogeneous obliged and flew to earth (for at the time, Canadia was orbiting the distant planet of Hugh Downs XI) and shot out nitrogen from his 16 sided double dildo enfused to his forehead. He called the gas Nitrogen, and since it sucked so much, the fire had no choice but to flee, and the earth was saved. But in subsequent years, it has been corrupted and used by Satan to extinguish the fires of hell.
[edit] Nitrogen and Hitler
A well known fact is that Nitrogen flakes were fed to Nazi soldiers in the hopes that when the Nazis would win, Hitler could make Nitrogen suck less. Unfortunately for Hitler, he forgot that anything that sucks as bad as Nitrogen will make his soldiers suck, too, so he lost the war and committed suicide because he sucked so much from eating all of that Nitrogen.
The reason that Hitler chose Nitrogen is because Nitrogen, under an electron microscope, is arranged in the shape of a swastika, which should have been a sign that the Nazi regime was doomed. Fortunately, Hitler was beaten a lot as a kid, and was therefore retarded.
[edit] Nitrogen's Effect on the Human Body
[edit] Chemical Proporties
Nitrogen, being a light non-metal, has a similar effect as lead, a heavy metal. The main underlying difference between the two is that lead is used in paint, but Nitrogen isn't used in anything because everyone knows it sucks.
[edit] How it Works
When Nitrogen enters the human body, it immediately latches itself to the uvula. It then works its way into your brain through nerve endings, and eventually finds its way into the cerebral cortex. From there, it burrows deep into your thoughts, telling you to do and say things that make you less of a person. Oscar Wilde is known to have an addiction to the effects of Nitrogen, but he is immune to the unpleasant side effects, because he ingested the soul of an infant terredactyl to null the effects.
[edit] Stupid People and Nitrogen
Nitrogen is a poison. One time, some guy walked into a room full of nitrogen and suffocated because he's an idiot and walked into a room full of a noxious gas.
WAIT WHAT
[edit] Nitrogen and the World
Nitrogen has a lot of myths told about it, and it is wise not to do research on them because everything in this article is correct.
[edit] Not as abundant as you're told
[edit] Kill your chemistry teacher
Some people will try to tell you that Nitrogen makes up over 75% of the atmosphere. This is because they are nazis and therefore should be stoned to death. Everybody enjoys a public execution, so there will be nobody offended if you take it upon yourself to eradicate your chemistry teacher.
[edit] Use a gun
Because murder will be legalized in the year 2010, which, ironically, is also the same year of the rapture, plan on being able to use a firearm instead of the method that Romans used, because we all want to be as isolated from those d-bags as possible.
[edit] Useful proporties
Although widely considered completely useless, there are some uses that are worth noting.
[edit] Sugar Substitute
Nitrogen is a key component in cyanide, a tastey sugar substitute. It's used in Sweet 'n Low. However, this is not near as sweet and tasty as lead happens to be.
[edit] Lizzie McGuire
According to Lizzie McGuire, Nitrogen is what you breath at night.
[edit] See Also
