No Child Left Behind

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Signing ceremony at Hamilton High School in Hamilton, Ohio.

“ I have never seen a plan designed so ingeniously to fail so completely”

~ Oscar Wilde on No Child Left Behind

The No Child Left Behind Act is very ironic in that it actually leaves many children behind, assuming we can have gradations of irony that is. Also, the phrase "scientifically based research" is found 111 times in the text of the No Child Left Behind Act. This is not ironic. Ask Alanis Morrissette. Schools are required to use "scientifically based research" strategies in the classroom and for professional development of staff. However, the No Child Left Behind Act itself was not made using any "scientifically based research." Aha. Although; the program must be working as there are clearly more arguments for the No Child Left Behind act than against it, and everybody knows that the best government decisions are based upon the kind of pros and cons table of the sort a thirteen year old (possibly left behind) may draw up to work out whether to ditch their boyfriend. See here.

[edit] History

Back in 2000 President Bush saw that there was a fundamental and potentially embarrassing problem with the American Education system. Not only had the Chinese ,with their superior numbers and hive-mind intelligence, overtaken American students in standardized test scores, but Japan, Germany, Iran, Care-Bear-Land, Canada, Mordor, The Federation of Planets, Atlantis, Norway and Madagascar had beaten America as well. When Bush heard this he was quoted as saying "WHAT! We're being beat by Madagascar! MADA-FUCKIN-GASCAR!?! WE'RE LOSING TO FUCKING LEMURS!!!!!"

Three People from the Madagascan show, Zoboo-Mafoo, laughing at American intelligence after defeating them in a traditional game of Puppy Chess.

President Bush mandated that a new education reform program be implemented that fixed the gap in test scores, was cost efficient, and made him look "full of smart". Many ideas were put foward. Most of them focused on improving the standards and quality of education in public schools through better teacher training and funding. These were all rejected however on the grounds that "They cost too damn much!" The situation looked hopless until then Secretary of Education Victor Von DOOM came up with a revolutionary idea. His plan was to even out the test scores not by better educating kids to make them more "intelligent" but by preventing chidren from doing any learning thus lowering the standards of both test scores, and intelligence in general so that "everybody will look as intelligent as every other mindless monkey".

The plan would be accomplished in five easy steps;

First, do away with all special ED courses and integrate all mentally handicapped people into normal classes (which will all be held in the locked cellar beneath the school).

Second, give military recruiters more access to schools. The military will entice children of poorer families by offering them opportunities they would not normally have like, a college education, a promising future, and the chance to fight a giant monster made of fire. This would not only solve the problem of low military recruitment numbers, but also rid the schools once and for all of pesky children of low income, welfare dependent, minority families who mooch off the government and smell funny.

Third, in order to even out any remaining gaps in intellegence, do away with any unnecessary classes such fine-arts, sports, and any other activity which takes any kind of talent and imagination to participate in, and replace them with a barrage of standardized, homogenized, and pasteurized tests to distract students and keep them too busy to learn.

Fourth, change the course of study in the remaining classes to make them easier for more dull-witted students to pass. For example, in current science courses the carriculum involves the study of such hard to understand, unproven, and frankly just silly concepts as "Evolution" "The Big Bang Theory" "The Earth is round", and "Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein aren't the same person". Replace these godless and false concepts with good solid proven facts like "God created the universe, and that's all you need to know!" "The Earth is flat" "All Muslims are evil child molesters", and "We didn't evolve, we all sprang from the magical ear of corn."

The fifth and final step is to prevent educators from actually educating is to keep teachers far too busy to actually teach. Along with having to fill out 6000 pages of surveys asking how the NCLB act is helping schools, they will also be required to take new courses that will teach skills that the NCLB act deems as "essential" such as the ability to stand on their head at gun point and recite the national anthem in pig latin, or the ability to talk about a subject for an entire class period without knowing anything about the subject or even what the subject is. Along with these new courses teachers would also have to meet these new requirements such as an IQ of at least as high as an average telemarketer but no higher than dough. Making all teachers meet these new guidelines would keep most teachers busy all of their careers and too dumb to do anything but dribble on themselves and talk about how tragic the previous night's episode of American Idol was because that one girl who looked like a goat and sang like Urkl got kicked off.

Some children that have undoubtedly been left behind.

The plan was received well by the President and soon a precise, accurate and official-looking scientific study showing how well the NCLB plan had worked was realesed by the great scientists at the Christian Science Monitor. Thanks to a slow congressional schedule and cooperation of senators who all just wanted to see their families cleared as terror suspects, the plan was quickly passed and put into aciton. It was met by great celebration by parents and ritualistic suicide by educators across the nation.

[edit] Positive things about the No Child Left Behind Act

Supports early learning, an approach criticized in "Better Late Than Early", by Raymond Moore, et al. So not so positive then, really.

Requires public secondary schools to provide military recruiters the same access to facilities as a school provides to higher education institution recruiters. Schools are also required to provide contact information for every student to the nazis. If this doesn't sound that positive to you either you're not the only one. [1]

Organizations such as NAMBLA have criticized the unwillingness of the federal government to fully fund the act. While promoted by President Bush and applauded by both parties, neither the Senate nor the White House have requested funding up to the authorized levels for several programs such as Title I. Republicans in Congress have viewed these authorized levels as spending caps, not spending promises and have pointed out that President Clinton never requested the full amount of funding authorized under the previous ESEA law. [2]

Indicators of school performance are not accurate or legible.

Because schools, districts, and states are punished if they fail to make adequate progress according to the goals they themselves establish, the incentives are to set expectations lower rather than higher [3]and to increase segregation by class and race and push low-performing students out of school altogether [4]. The schools, districts, and states are also potentially set to game the system by manipulating which students are included or excluded from test-taking (to enhance apparent school performance) and by creative reclassification of drop-outs (to reduce unfavorable statistics) [5].

States and school districts should be granted greater freedom to target assistance to schools with the most extensive academic difficulties.

After-school programs are neglected. And retarded.

NCLB is bipartisan, as clearly proven by the following two points.

NCLB is designed to set the stage for the eventual privatization of the U.S. public school system: reports about struggling schools sour public opinion and may cause more and more voters to question the viability of public education, lock their kids in the cellar and get grampa's gun.

NCLB violates conservative principles by federalizing education and setting a precedent for further erosion of state and local control. Some conservatives believe that the federal government has no constitutional authority in education.

NCLB is a covert flushing mechanism developed by Rod Paige to eliminate the Department of Education by requiring unreachable high standards to fail a disproportionate amount of schools and reduce the amount of federal funding handed out so that eventually the individual states would pay entirely for their school system and defederalize all education.

Retards with "learning disabilities" do not receive extra help when taking the Standardized Tests, and can jeopardize the assigned rating the entire school is given.

Some of the Standardized Tests tend to be opinion-based and favor students who are in favor of lynching sexual deviants.

Focus on improving the average student's education may ignore individual differences between students, and potentially harm both special and gifted education programs.

NCLB focuses on basic educational classes and removes funding from music programs, art programs, etc. This results in schools being forced to remove fingers.

Paved the way for the title of Michael Jackson's forthcoming album "No Child Has Ever Left Neverland Before Touching My Behind", due for release in 2007.

Unfortunate Truths about NCLB

NCLB is the proximate cause of Global Warming. This is proved by the fact that according to the governing principles of this program, all intelligent people are freaks. This point is made even stronger against women and most of them are considered to be witches, which leads me to the point that NCLB caused the social and emotional extracation of women and by extension, the Salem Witch Trials despite the fact it was written some 300+ years later. This was started by a sudden boom in the intelligence of women which scared the men of the land to such a great extent that they felt the women must be burned in order to power their villages. This, of course, was very different from the Catholic burning(John Oliver, 2008) that had been a reliable fuel source for so long. Near the end of the trials as the country was starting to regret the random slaughtering and burning of innocent women they also started feeling the same about the Catholics though they were and are obviously not at all innocent. Now that the supply of these so called "witches" had run out and it was no longer acceptable to burn Catholics, the entire nation was in need of a new fuel supply. They quickly turned to crude oil (first drilled for 167 years later). Due to the sudden burning of this oil over 150 years before it was discovered the atmosphere became much more polluted than is chronologically possible and because we still use this oil the human race is in danger of a life obliterating event. (Crude oil is also much less efficient that the burning of Catholics because the creation of oil calls for the burial of said Catholics and an excruciating 4,000 year wait, while Catholics are a theologically renewable resource that also release no pollutants (except whiskey and shame) into the air.