No soap radio
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No soap radio is the most common term for a serious, highly contagious mental disorder that prevents one from understanding humor or finding it humorous at all. The disease has, in recent decades, exploded into an epidemic across the globe, affecting people from all walks of life and reducing their lives into a humorless, meaningless morass. Its most terrible effect is the scarring of the global consciousness of humor, reducing traditionally humorous mediums such as television sitcoms and newspaper comics into bland fare where the fact that Garfield enjoys lasagna is considered intrinsically hilarious. It also affects chairs.
The first and most devastating outbreak occurred in Los Angeles, California, in 1988.
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[edit] The Great No Soap Radio Outbreak of 1988
The outbreak began with two baseball players sitting in the stadium for a hockey game. Specifically, they were Los Angeles Dodgers players Steve Sax and Orel Hershiser, who had come to Dodgers Stadium to enjoy an exhibition field hockey match. Next to them were seated two elephants in a bathtub. It was in the second half of the game that Hershiser would later recall he noticed that one of the elephants turned to the other and asked the other to hand him the "soap radio". The other informed him that there was no soap radio.
Instantly, the heads of six nearby spectators exploded, and Hershiser and Sax had to duck for cover. Within minutes, the entire stadium was in a panic that soon spread to the entire city. Buildings were set ablaze, pedestrians trampled underfoot by stampeding masses, a massive earthquake was set off, and, perhaps most disturbing of all, people watching David Letterman began laughing hysterically.
The disaster was finally contained when the Los Angeles Police Department comandeered small aircraft and flew banners over the city emblazoned with fabricated Oscar Wilde quotes, stabilizing the sense of humor of the populace.
[edit] Other documented incidents
A number of other small outbreaks have managed to slip past the world's health officials since 1988, but none were as devastating as the original calamity.
- In 1994, a flock of penguins in the Antarctic nearly caused an epidemic. It began with a penguin and a polar bear sitting on an iceburg. The penguin yelled, "Radio!" and they both jumped into the water. Six other penguins who had witnessed this immediately contracted spontaneous no soap radio, and soon spread it to the rest of their flock. Disaster was averted, however, by quick-thinking officials, who pointed out to the penguins the irony of the polar bear's inclusion when polar bears only live in the Arctic.
- In 2002, a small plane pilot over the Canadian wilderness made contact with the control tower at the Toronto airport. When the operator asked him for his identification, he replied, "Pizza lion". The operator was instantly afflicted with no soap radio, but luckily died of spontaneous brain synapse failure before he could spread the plague into the city.
[edit] If you don't understand this article
If you don't understand this article, you may be afflicted with no soap radio. The most important thing to do is not to panic, and not to do anything which might cause you to further be alienated from humour. You should seek profesional assistance immediately; I can't help you anymore. After all, what do I look like, a typewriter?
