Noddy
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“I'm a Noddyist. And proud of it, damn it!”
~ Angry nondescript pedestrian on being a Noddyite
“I think we should all make way for Noddy”
~ Oscar Wilde on making way
“Noddy's no goblin”
~ Big Ears, talking about his friend
The Celtic-Pagan deity known as "Noddy" dated from the early Bronze Age to the period of Roman expansion into Britain, though the combustion engine-god has had a large impact on modern day society; the mythos of "Noddy and Friends" ("Friends" being cult members) was recreated in children's television and the image of the little man with a bell on his drooping hat has entered popular culture as a symbol of Satan and the Devil.
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[edit] Origins of Noddy
The Cult of Noddy was thought to have been worshipped around the beginning of the Bronze Age by Celtic and Brythonic tribes and characteristically involved human and animal sacrifice as well as car races that would end in the loser being eaten alive by the head-priest, a hideous stunted personification of a spirit of the Earth ceremoniously named "Big Ears".
The cult shares many practises with a number of other beliefs of that same era, including those surrounding a divinity known as "the Unbright One".
The Cult of Noddy was all but wiped out soon after Roman Expansion into Britain; the 10th Legion led by General Adultus Boringius massacred as many as twenty towns and villages subservient to the cult in the year AD 250, after the crushing of the Goblin Revolt the previous year. How the cult and its beleifs have survived this far into modern history is unknown, however theories published by the renknowned expert on Noddy Culture, Enid Blyton, illustrate how several priests may have escaped the slaughter and fled to modern-day Sicily and later, Italy (in Rome istelf, many religions were tolerated; the massacres were done to prevent military uprisings in the wild Northern frontiers). Aspects of the Noddy belief system would explain why Italian autombile companies such as Ferrari are so successful and why British companies are so bereft of any engineering prowess at all.
[edit] Myths and Legends
Famed historian and expert of the early Romano-Celtic period within the British Isle, Professor Enid Blyton has made the study of the beliefs and practices of these native traditions her area of speciality. Utilising iconographical and archaological evidence as well as firsthand writings of authors such as Julius Caesar, Tactitus and J.K. Rowling Professor Blyton has managed to construct a vivid and colourful vision of life within this period, as well as revealing a great deal of information about the religious practices of the time.
Professor Blyton's books on the subject include:
- Noddy Goes to Pictland (1949)
- Blood Sacrifice for Little Noddy (1950)
- Noddy and His Chariot of Death (1951)
- Noddy and the Hounds of Annwn (1952)
- Noddy and the Brigantian Revolt (1952)
She has hypothesized that during the animal-human sacrifices to Noddy, war-captives and paedophiles would be locked in a wooden cage along with goats, sheep, Welsh, and a selection of fine cheeses before being set alight and burnt alive. The congregation would then sing the Hymn of Noddy - "Make-way for Noddy, NODDY! You're all go-ing to burn-in-hell! So look-out for Noddy, NODDY! He'll drive-you there safe-and-well!". After the wicker-imitation of Noddy's car was gone to ashes, the cultists would often shout and chant whilst waking back to their huts.
Several stories brought back by Roman Legionairres to the provinces have however been proved false; accounts of the Noddyites being savage and war-like have been disproven as modern archaeology has uncovered strong evidence of an advanced farming system, democratic government amongst the totalitarian High Priests, a great deal of written lore including one such work "the Art of Goblin-Killing" and a written account of the Epic Poem of the Noddyites : "The Picnic". From uncovering coins and pottery, excavationists now know about the high level of infrastructure that the Noddyites enjoyed.
[edit] Evidence of Noddy in modern society
Many aspects of Noddyism have survived into modern-day culture, especially in Britain, the old heartland of Noddy druidism. In an attempt to educate youngsters about their pagan ancestors, the television series "Noddy: Benign road-rager or vicious cannibal", later renamed "Noddy", was comissioned by the BBC, and the highly successful show everntually culminated in an extremely profiatble line of childrens toys and merchandise being sold. Almost thirty years after the series' first airing in, medical testing and investigative journalism uncovered a secret Brainwashing Plot by Prime Minister Big Ears Brown to get the youth of England and Wales to join the revived cult, with him as High Priest. Although the BBC were reproached for this diabolical scheme, several cells of the Noddyite religion had already been set up in small sheltered regions of Britain such as Wales and the West Country.
Modern-day Noddyites (NeoNoddyites) still sacrifice the traditional offering of foreigners, paedophiles and the occiasonal Chav but nowadays keep the selection of cheese for their own consumption. A crusade has been declared by the Pope against Noddy, yet since nobody in England really listens to him, the holy war was a flop; the declaration was counter-declared "Black heresy! Blasphemers! Burn them all" by right-wing Noddy-rights activists.
[edit] The Conspiracy of Toytown and the Noddy Code
Many conspiracy theorists have advocated the mad crackpot of shit idea that the fabled birthplace of Noddyism, the fortress of Toytown still exists somewhere; many have gone looking for this magical place, suspect locations include the Sea, Loch Mess and France. This theory has further been vindicated (wrongly) by the revered historian-god Tony Robinson yet he has since renounced this beliif. Another theory has emerged "The Noddy Code", that the 1940's government of Roosevelt in Washington knew of the existence, location and the extent of the power of Toytown, and beleived to have found the sacred site with the help of Indiana Jones, Ben Gates and Batman, but covered it up, choosing to investigate military options. The Noddyites of today have said nothing on the subject, apart from "The Messiah is coming. Let he who hath been vigilant be given a ride in His yellow motor chariot and those who hath defiled the Village Green be burned in His presence" in morbid and serious tones.
