Nordonia
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“That 330 is some crazy shit 'yo!”
“Nordonia was rampant with AIDS, smallpox, whores and drunkards. Just my kinda town!”
“Fuck finger prints! And don't tell ME you haven't pulled the cookie-under-the-tray scam!”
~ Mr Lock
“If we keep our integrity, we can achieve greatness and go far beyond what is humanly possible. By the way, you guys did an excellent job on that fire drill. Keep it up.”
~ Charles P. Vrabel
“Weesa go to da Nordonia!!”
The Nordonia Hills Empire, or Nordonia,for short, was established in 1562 by a group of drunken Norwegian explorers. It is a small, yet powerful nation-state situated on the outskirts of the city of Macedonia, Ohio. Today, they are relatively peaceuful and under United Nations jurisdiction to help in keeping them from returning to their harsh, imperial ways of the past. . Although they are peaceful today, the Nordonia Hills Empire has endured a long,dark past.
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| Motto: "Integrity: Have It | |||||
| Anthem: "Stroke Me" by Billy Squire | |||||
| Capital | Macedonia, Ohio | ||||
| Largest city | Macedonia | ||||
| Official languages | English,Spanish | ||||
| Government | Empire | ||||
| -Emperor | Darth Vrabel | ||||
| -Imperial Governor | Cristopher Wright | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Chuck Norris, Pat Kavak, and Rob Sims | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | Empire declared December 1, 1743. | ||||
| Currency | Wrigley's Spearmint | ||||
| Religion | Christianity, Flerchism | ||||
| Major exports | Flip-flops, Tard-Mart Goods, Prostitutes, weed | ||||
| Major imports | Foreign Exchange Students,Garfield Kids | ||||
Contents |
[edit] Founding
The Nordonia Hills Empire began as a small colony in 1562, and was established byVlashik Norrissky (Norris)and Hershil Vrancoff, of Norway. Norrissky is the great-great-great grandfather of legendary ass-kicker Chuck Norris, and the Norris bloodline is also said to be directly descended from God. Norrisky and Vrancoff did not report their findings back to Norway, and decided to create their own country, with their 28 Oompa Loompas they brought along as their workforce. The pair, who is also rumored to have been raging homosexuals, named their new country Norcoff, a combination of their names. No true form of government is established, excpet for Norrisky as King and Vrancoff as his advisor. Norcoff was a small country, about 2 miles long and 3 miles wide. After several years, Norcoff became a major producer and exporter of butter, carrotts, and prostitutes, and gained international recognition from most of the superpowers of the world.
[edit] Growth and Expansion
In 1743, the population of Norcoff had surpassed 52,000 people and expanded its borders many miles, with a total area of 32 square miles. Their biggest territory gain came from the Southlands Annexation, in which they forced the small troll population of the southern swamps to hand over their land. Also in this year, Norcoffians discovered Math and accidentally created the AIDS virus. It was also in 1743 that the Vrabel family entered into Norcoff's political realm. Chauncey Edward Vrabel, a Dutch shoemaker, quickly rose through the ranks in Norcoff and at age 57 became King; and so began the Infinite Darkness period in Norcoff.
[edit] Military
When Chauncey Vrabel became king, it took him 4 minutes to reorganize it into the tyrannical empire which we know today. The nation of Norcoff became the Nordonia Hills Empire, and things went downhill from there. Vrabel's first act as Emperor was to create the Grand Army of Nordonia(GAN). It was a small force, reinforced with:
-150 Musketeers
-150 Mouseketeers
-125 Knights (Medieveal attire)
-300 Misc. Militia
The year 1776 brought the arrival of the American Revolution. on June 3, George Washington, the American military commander, paid a visit to the Empire. He spoke with Emperor Chauncy Vrabel II and asked for his nation's help in their cause. It was on this day that Washington delivered his famous "I Have a Dream Speech" on the grassy knoll next to the book depository. Emperor Vrabel II agreed to lend his Mouseketeers and Knights to the American army. This began the long history of the Nordonia Hills military.
[edit] Conflicts
The American Revolution was the beginning of Nordonia involvement in warfare. Their Knights proved too be valiant, fierce warriors, sending over 7,500 cheeky British fellows too their deaths while only losing 5 men. The Knight became a symbol of Nordonia pride and power. After the American Revolution had ended, Emperor Vrabel II began to focus on improving Nordonia's military might. The city was fortified with a 50 foot-high stone wall topped with Hobbit guards to keep enemies out, and the military force was greatly expanded to over 35,000 well-trained troops, over 1/3 of the population. The following is a list and brief descriptions of conflicts from 1776-1945:
1776-Revolutionary War; helped defeat British.
1801-The Battle of the Yellow Brick Road; Defeated the forces of the immortal [[Elton John]], who later wrote a song about the battle.
1804-McDonaldland Purges; Massacre of all citizens of McDonaldland, a small province to the north of Nordonia. Among the killed is Mayor McCheese and the Hamburglar.
1817-The Great Smurf Hunt; Nordonia Knights hunt down and destroy the last remaining smurfs on the East Coast, forcing them to near extinction.
1851-1894-The Penguin Wars; A long series of battles with the Imperial Penguin Army of Antarctica with an eventual Nordonia win.
1906-Satanic Wars; Nordonia forces engage Satan and his minions on the River Styx. Jesus comes and defeats Satan personally.
1941-Nordonia forces bomb Pearl Harbor and blame it on the Japanese, bringing America into World War II.
1945-Nordonia develops the atomic bomb and sells the plans to their once-enemies the Imperial Penguin Army, who eventually bomb Hiroshima.
2010-Cain Aaron III leads his army of Jeff Houser Clones in a great revolt that will leave a permanent mark on the area.
[edit] Recent History
After 1945, the Nordonia military campaign slowed down, and they became a more peaceful nation. In 1954, the prophecy was born: Charles P. Vrabel. Mystics and George Walker "Texas Ranger" Bush claimed him to be the future of Nordonia, saying he possessed great power and was the Messiah they had been waiting for. The Vrabels continued to rule the Empire, waiting for the day when young Charles would rule. In 1961, Nordonia High School was constructed on the site of the former Imperial Capitol. The grand, opulent building, designed by Henry Ford and Nancy Reagan would one day be the domain of Charles P. Vrabel.
[edit] Charles P. Vrabel
In 1991, Charles P. Vrabel became principal of Nordonia High School. Over the years he turned the solely militaristic Empire into an educational, state-ranked "Excellent" 5 years in-a-row powerhouse. In an effort to make the Empire look more peaceful, the "Empire" was dropped from the name and the country was renamed the Nordonia Hills City School District. The Army was sent underground, where they still live today in a vast complex of underground tunnels and bunkers. Now, a middle-aged woman in a vest constitutes "security" outside the school.
[edit] The Treejews
In 2005, former NHS biology teacher [NAME WITHHELD] expressed interest in becoming principal of the school. Vrabel got word of this, and immediately contracted the assistant atheltic director, who cannot be named for legal reasons, to assassinate [NAME WITHHELD]. Vrabel's assistant referred to the personal diaries of John Wilkes Booth and Barbara Walters for information on perfecting an assassination. On May 20th, as the school year was drawing to a close, the assistant snuck up behind [NAME WITHHELD] as he was discussing chlorophyll-more-like-borophyll with his class, and stabbed him several times in the side. The assassin ran off, thinking he had killed his target. [NAME WITHHELD] fled to a nearby school district, Crestwood, and began to build up an Army to attack and destroy his enemies at Nordonia. He contacted Helmut Schwartz, leader of a secretive race, the Treejews.
The Treejews were once a dominate race on the planet, here before the time of the dinosaurs. Recently, they have dwindled to about 25,000 and live secretly in caves near Interstate 271 in Macedonia, Ohio, right next to Nordonia High School. [NAME WITHHELD] , in 2005, was the only human who knew they had not been extinct. Treejews are mystical creatures, strongly resembling lemurs, with large noses and a very distinct call-sign of "a-dolla! a-dolla!". Treejews possess supreme fighting skills, and [NAME WITHHELD] contracted them to invade Nordonia. On July 28th, 2005, all 25,000 Treejews attacked a near empty Nordonia High School, in search of Vrabel and his assassin. Before the reached the school, though, they were met by 40,000 of Vrabels secret troops, having been tipped off about the invasion. After 6 hours, 21,000 Treejews lay dead with only 6,000 Nordonians. The archaic Treejew weaponry proved no match for the guns, lasers, and ion cannons of Nordonia.
So, the remaining 4,000 Treejews returned to hiding, Vrabel continued his reign, and [NAME WITHHELD] remained a poor, broken man in Crestwood.
[edit] Reform
Following the Treejew battle, which was kept secret by a multi-billion dollar press blackout order, Charles P. Vrabel, began to reorganize and reform his kingdom. He wanted to make it impossible for anyone to rise up and threaten his power again. He also wanted to prepare his students to be tough, disciplined individuals.
[edit] Punishment
His first action was to revamp the school's punishment program. He created APR, short for Advanced Penetration Regime, and it became the school's ultimate form of student punishment. If a student was placed into APR for poor school performance, he/she was to be constantly penetreted (rectally) by an obese, middle-aged woman. This led to many molestation cases for the school, who used their vast off-shore bank accounts to settle the problems outside of court.
[edit] New Staff
In 2006/2007, Vrabel began to bring in new faculty to help with his reformation. His first major hiring was that of James "Butters" Nash, a tough young blood out of Brooklyn, New York. Nash, brother-in-law of boxer Mike Tyson, was too monitor the vast hallways of Nordonia High School too make sure students weren't using the restroom or getting schoolbooks from their lockers, and any other completely absurd actions.
The next important appointment was that of Cristopher Wright to the rank of Associate Principal. Wright, a descendant of the African Stork, proved to be a complete pussy. He was responsible for removing the majority of the stall doors in the Men's restrooms, just to make sure students weren't constructing Meth or PCP labs during school hours.
Arguably the most tumultuous and controversial staff hiring was that of Jason Hall, who became head football coach of the Nordonia Knights. Hall, a fiery young Irishman from Narnia, led the Knights to a subpar 10-2 season, losing to the North Canton Hoover Vikings in the second round of the playoffs. Hoover at the time was coached by Zeus. Ashamed of his shoddy performance, Hall began too look for a career elsewhere after only a year. He eventually wound up as Head coach of the Massillon-Washington Tigers in Massillon, Ohio, birthplace of Satan.
The latest and most beneficial faculty member to be appointed is Dr. Patrick Kavak. Dr. Kavak is currently the Lifetime Fitness teacher and strongest man in the world, training kids to be bigger, faster, and stronger. Kavak is a young, strapping, beastly man-of-a man with treetrunk legs, mountainous biceps, and a chest so massive you could repel off of it. He is said to be a descendant of Chuck Norris' family, the original settlers of Nordonia. Kavak rules his Weight Training Chamber with an iron-fist, and has even been known to give negative participation points to students, an action never before taken in Nordonia High School history. Dr. Pat is also credited with the creation of Protein Shakes, Human Growth Hormone, and the Stairmaster.
This page is in no way meant to be disrespectful to any of the aforementioned persons or places. It is merely a parody of a high school which has taught us oh so much. If you have any problem with it, either edit the page personally by registering or report it too the site, and it will be dealt with quickly.
