Norm Coleman
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Norman "Lucky" Coleman Jr (born February 31, 1949 as Norman Osborn) is the senior Republican senator from Minnesota and assassin of his predecessor, Paul Wellstone. According to his chief of staff Erich Mische, Norm is "7-feet-10-inches, with green hair and one eye smack dab in the middle of his head". [1]
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[edit] Congealment and Early Life
Norm Osborn was congealed on August 17, 1949 in the cheese shop of Beverly and Norman Bertram Osborn in the small hamlet of Brooklyn, New York. The couple, having been childless, decided that they could create a child through the ancient occult cheese monger’s yeast known as: Humanus cheeseballus (Normican). At first they were disappointed as the formula was not working to their pleasure, but as Norman Sr. “spread his seed upon the whey”, it coagulated into a small bouncing baby-curd.
Being a cheese-based life form was difficult for the young Norm as the small community of Brooklyn was intolerant of any type of alternate life. During his childhood he was haunted by dreams of giant rats chasing him. He vowed that if he ever made it to adulthood he would clean up the world and kick the rats out.
[edit] Becoming the Green Goblin
Osborn entered college, and demonstrated brilliancy in the fields of chemistry and electrical engineering. Soon after Osborn’s father digressed into a stage of alcoholism and loses control of his now world renowned cheese factory. Osborn became traumatized and vowed to build a bigger and better cheese empire. He married his first wife, Emily. They bore a son together named Harry. As documented in the 2002 documentary, Spiderman, Osborn’s company was contracted by the Defense Department to create a new type of super cheese to use as a weapon in the War on Terror. On May 3 while attempting an experiment to prove the super cheese vitality, he accidentally infused the super cheese DNA with his own, creating a split personality within himself. The side effects of which made Osborne develop super powers and go insane. Creating himself a masked identity, Osborn became known as the Green Goblin, and was responsible for a 2002 terror scare on New York City. Osborne was defeated by Spiderman in a thrilling engagement, and was pronounced dead at the scene.
After Osborne’s funeral, his casket was excavated by Vice President Richard Cheney, who after witnessing Osborn’s power, believed that the super cheese experiment had proven successful. He was able to revive Osborne, and place him in the witness protection program. There he was assigned the new name of Norm “Lucky” Coleman and moved to the cheese friendly upper Midwest; first Iowa, followed by Minnesota where Cheney ordered him to to run for United States Senate believing he was the only one who could fight the United Nations.
[edit] 2002 Campaign for Senate
During his 2002 campaign, he won over swing voters by showing his softer side with his famous slogan, "To be very blunt and God watch over Paul's soul, I am a 99 percent improvement over Paul Wellstone on just about every issue." [2]
With the election looming, Paul Wellstone appeared to be on the verge of victory. Resenting the prospects of another defeat, Coleman put on his Green Goblin costume once more, and fired two missiles form his jet-glider into Welstone's twin-engine turboprop King Air airplane under cover of darkness. With a few well-placed payoffs at the NTSB, the crash was determined to be an "accident", and Coleman easily won victory over his geriatric replacement opponent, Walter Mondale.
[edit] Senate Career
With his positioning complete, Coleman proceeded to use his staff to launch periodic secret attacks on the United Nations headquarters in New York City. Careful not to raise awareness of his true identity, Coleman under Cheney's directive, was responsible for scaring the United Nations in to supporting the 2003 Iraq War. Coleman was also credited for uncovering details of the Oil-for-Cheese scandel, which resulted in lucrative illicit payoffs to Iraqi and United Nations officials.
With out knowledge of his corruption, Coleman was praised both in New York and Minnesota for his success. With his mission complete, he defected from his relations with Cheney, and spent the remaining years in his first term opposing oil drilling in Alaska, believing instead we needed to drill for cheese in Idaho. For this reason, he is now coincidently referred to as the Green Goblin by many local republicans to his right.
[edit] Relationship with Larry Craig
Norm Coleman will adamantly deny any accusations about meeting Senator Larry Craig for "noon-time recreation" at the Minneapolis Airport. He has never admitted anything more than a casual, professional relationship with the distinguished Idaho senator involving the extange of business plans for the construction of a cheese refinery in Boise. He also denies rumors of sniffing Michele Bachmann’s dresses.
[edit] 2008 Campaign for Reelection.
Norm Coleman faces a possible challenge in 2008 by veteran politician and activist Al Franken. Witnesses have reported Coleman staffers offering Franken "free airline tickets" and brushing up on Jewish funerary traditions. Should Jesse Ventura enter the race, Coleman has indicated his willingness to stake the election on a three way WWE match to be hosted later this year by Vince Mcmahon.
[edit] Big Government Republican Loyalty
Any reports of Norm Coleman having been a demon-crat have been greatly overstated. Norm Coleman loves the Republican Party and will always support it so long as it continues to permit him to offer tax breaks for cheese factories, as well as massive subsidies for cheese farms. In addition to Craig and Cheney he has made great friendships with Republicans, Richard Nixon, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tim Pawlenty, and George Bush all of whom also possess secret super-villain identities.
[edit] Differences between Norm Coleman and a Golem
A Golem is made of clay and is Jewish zombie which is activated by writing messages on it. Norm Coleman is made of cheese, is activated by orders from Dick Cheney and cannot be deactivated. Any attempt to deactivate him will result in a stronger, more powerful Norm. Only Jesse Ventura and Spiderman are know to have come close to deactivating Norm.
