North Daquota
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This article is about a non-existent mythical place.
The region today known as North Dakota has long been renowned in mythology and history as an inhospitable frozen hell.
All attempts to civilize this inhuman wasteland have failed utterly, and only the boldest adventurers and complete idiots have ever entered North Dakota and emerged alive.
Whether it actually exists is a matter of debate in the scientific communities. In some circles, it is rumoured to be near Canada and Montana. In others, it is rumored to be near either Nepal or some iceberg off the coast of Antarctica.
North Dakotans generally recognize that none of this matters since they have the two tallest structures in the world in their state, which is compensating for a direct reflection of their manhood.
The second best state in the Union (the best being, according to North Dakotans, British Columbia)
Sadly North Dakota is just there to make it a round 50 states and to make the border between Canada and US look good. It was decide who would have to get North Dakota [Canada or US] by a best of 7 rock-paper-scissors match, and Canada won.
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[edit] Major Cities
To qualify as a major city in North Dakota, you must have at least twenty-four people in your town. One must be a woman to ensure that the population continues to boom.
- Shortstay (Half of city located in Minnesota)
- Exit 83 Rest Stop
- Bismarck?
- Wal-Mart
[edit] Interesting Facts
North Dakota was once a military base for the French Army in the 1960s. After the Cold War was over France surrendered to the left all of their nuclear warheads (literally more than anywhere else in North America) in large holes scattered around the state. To this day North Dakota is the only country that has won a war against France while being on their side.
There is extensive debate among scholars today whether or not Napoleon Bonaparte named his first child "North Dakota" in honour of the Queen of Sweden, whom he engaged in various sexual acts that led to pregnancy.
Recently there have been reports of one city in North Dakota that is inhabited by only Russo-Germans. These particular hybrids are some of the most worthless creatures to ever rule the Earth, only caring about wrestling(groping).
Bismarck, the capital, is coincidentally the nickname Joseph Stalin gave to his left testicle, ("Rutherford" was the other.) Joseph Stalin managed to copulate with various native North Dakotans by convincing the French President that his daughter, a lesbian, would be more than happy to build bridges naked in southern France. By doing this, the French president provided Stalin with a wooden boat with which he sailed to North Dakota to relieve.
It's a little know fact that Siberia actually sends the lowest of its criminal scum to North Dakota. This punishment is so severe, that prisoners sentenced with it often attempt suicide rather than die at the hands of the North Dakotans.
In actuality, North Dakota does not truly exist. In the place where most maps show "North Dakota" there is actually nothing more than a rift in the space-time continuum. The government keeps this a secret in order to prevent mass time-travel of the American people. Also, when the United States was designing a flag to represent its unity, it realized that having only 49 stars looked ridiculous, so the president decided to start the rumor of North Dakota in order to make the American Flag more aesthetically pleasing. Anyone and everyone who you meet who claims to be from or live in North Dakota are actually being paid off by the U.S. government to protect this conspiracy. Despite this, it still outscored all other states on the science section of the National Assessments of Educational Progress.
[edit] Major Colleges and Universities
Electoral Colledge(located in Shortstay)
University of North Dakota: Mistakenly constructed on the wrong side of the border from Minnesota, UND grants North Dakotans flying licenses in order to help the rest of the population escape. Unfortunately, those pilots that leave the state tend not to return.
[edit] State Motto
"Will the last person to leave North Dakota please turn out the lights? And close the door so you don't let any cold out."
[edit] Exports
The State exports of North Dakota are the highly sought after Breeze, the not so highly sought after Gale, and the freaking despised Snow, Sleet, and Hail.
They also export things like cow manure and horse shit.
Methamphetamine also makes up a good portion of the clandestine export market, because the cops all drive pickups and when they bust rednecks with beer in their beat up pickups and proceed to set up a "speed trap" along a highway.
A TV station in Great Spoons that likes to call themselves WDAZ invented emo using state of the art journalism in a news report.
[edit] Languages
Canadian, German. In the nuclear wasteland known as Mandan, AUTHENTIC Frontier Gibberish is the official language. Any form of scandanavian is commonly accepted as legal language to use, but it has not been nor will be recognized as a state language.
[edit] State Flower
Autumn-Tumbleweed Winter-None (they are all dead) Spring-grass Summer-Tumbleweed
[edit] Population
Unknown, partly due to the fact that no one has invented the ND census yet and also because no one can count past 10 except for some cow who got lucky and figured out that he could count on his toes.
Breakdown: 25% Norweigan, 55% Russogerman, 25% Freak mix of the French and farm animals (most of which live in Mandan), 1% Germonorwegian, 4% other, and an excessive amount of Indians.
The state also has numerous unofficial songs, like The Germans From Russia Ballad (made popular by Lawrence Welk), and the inspirational We Have the World's Largest Buffalo (made popular by Peggy Lee).
[edit] State Anime
Guyver- a show abbout a device that exponentially enhances the capabilities of its host, co-host and band. (See Late Show)
[edit] Crime
No Mexicans or blacks can be found in the state. They freeze to death within an hour.
Methamphetamine use is rampant, however. Sometimes, late at night, you can observe the cooks in their natural habitat: Inside their house, peeking out through their blinds. Their ranges include fields where Anhydrous Ammonia fertilizer tanks are located, and stealing ephedrine pills from Wal-Mart.
What's crime?
[edit] Government
Anarchism because government has yet to be invented in ND because of it's lack of population and extreme heat and cold waves.
In 1422 BC This Guy instated the system of anarchy in North Dakota.
[edit] State Tree
Telephone Pole (Telefonificus polaritarius)
[edit] State Bird
None, due to lack of trees.
[edit] State Symbol
The Ballpoint Pen.
One day far in the distant future, the cold and nuclear devices of North Dakota will escape and envelope the globe, at which time nuclear winter will begin, and the mutant Norwegian will say "Ha ha, now you're cold too, bitches," and humanity will be wiped off the face of the planet and will spread and control earth. And Hell will freeze over and the mutant Norwegians will be rulers of the underworld.
[edit] Darth Television Anti-North Dakota
In an interview President of Television Darth Television said he thought North Dakota was a boring state and should be destroyed. Many viewers agreed with this statement and thus voted for Darth TV, however North Dakota hasn't been destryoed...yet. -The ironic part about the election of Darth TV is that North Dakotans voted for North Dakota to be destroyed also.
[edit] North Dakota?
There are some scholars who debate whether or not North Dakota even exist. These scholars claim that when driving through "North Dakota" one is merely driving through Montana and seems to have gotten lost around Helena. Those who have claimed to have traveled to North Dakota have been found to be mentally incompetent; it has been proven that they were actually lost in northern South Dakota or, as previously mentioned, Montana. Other scholars believe that "North Dakota" is simply a state of mind; much like Brou Dalton. However since people do seem to live in a place called Fargo,(see the inspirational 1996 movie "Fargo") it is believed people who profess there is no North Dakota are really South Dakotans trying to undermine the North Dakotan Government. Or they're just communist.
Yet, others claim the government established the municipalities of Fargo, Bismark (see the most cliched "what's the capital of North Dakota" joke), Exit 83 Rest Stop, the Chuck Norris National Shrine and Roosevelt National Park in 1989 to deceive the public even more than they have (see below paragraph).
Another prominent theory involves the accusation that North Dakota is a government conspiracy initiated by Grover Cleveland devised to convince the general American public that there are indeed 50 states. This theory entails that the geographical area we believe is North Dakota is actually some manner of trans-dimensional wormhole that transports people to the Mongolian-Chinese Border. According to theorists, North Dakota's construction is scheduled to be finished in November of 2015.
[edit] Notable North Dakotans
- Conan the Barbarian
- Conan O'Brien
- Jack Frost
- Salvador Dali
- Your sister
- The Abominable Snowman
- Stewie Griffin
- Your mom
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