Norton Duck Pond Conspiracy

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“Never have so many Ducks been in so much peril.”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Norton Duck Conspiracy

Not a badly photoshopped image of the titanic sinking in Norton Ducky at all.

"The historic village of Norton" is the capital city of the People's Republic of [| Teesside], which is tucked away in the north east corner of that little-known town called England. The centre of all life in "the historic village of Norton" is the village green and its duck pond, which is affectionately called the "ducky" by the local Nortonians (not to be mistaken as Smoggies!). Recently controversy has leapt forth over the replacement of the ducky's legendary brick-based fountain (operating since 2004). The following explanation should clear up any misconceptions that have been recently proposed.

1 History
2 Until Recently
3 A Dastardly Conspiracy?
4 Six interesting things about the Ducky
5 Seven things you might find in the ducky

[edit] History

In 393 BC, the S.S.S.N. Titanic on its maiden voyage was carrying Mesopotamian tribal elders to the Malleable Club for cheap beer and bingo. Due to freak weather on Norton High Street, it was caught in a vertex near Pattersons Paper Shop, and was deflected towards a small gathering of ducks in the centre of "the ducky". The ensuing collision was inevitable! The mighty ship floundered for eighteen years, but alas all hands were lost, though several feet, elbows and arses survived.

[edit] Until Recently

All that remained from the original Titanic was a small mound of bricks, which, by its special design emits advanced chronometric wave particles to protect the nearby town from any "Titanic's from the Future" suffering the same fate. One side-effect of this device is that it attracts drunks and small children.

[edit] A Dastardly Conspiracy?

It is rumoured that Dark Forces from a parallel universe (see Billingham) are currently plotting to remove the time protection device, and replace it with another device, superficially similar to a bin lid. It is suspected to cause beef to spontaneously combust, and make pork sausages appear on the heads of vagrants. Obviously, Blackwell's the Butchers are not happy about this at all!