Norway
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||
| Motto: "Langt å gå, Fitte å få" | |||||
| Anthem: Ja vi elsker (English: Yes, we're making love) | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | Der ingen kunne tru at nokon kunne bu | ||||
| Largest city | Kodal | ||||
| Official languages | Norwegian, New-New-Norwegian, Ultra-New-Norwegian, Trøndersk, Bergensk, Norwenglish | ||||
| Government | Red/Green Communism | ||||
| -Skipper of Norway | Are Kvikstadhagen and Sondre Guterud | ||||
| -Helt konge | Jostein Mohaugen | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Revengers Åge Aleksandersen, Mette-Marit, Vidkun Quisling, Varg Vikernes, Andreas Berge, Lars Monsen and Oluf Toluf Molluf Lauritz, LPS | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | From EU: 1972 and 1994. From Sami-people: 1900. | ||||
| Currency | Plastic cards and Thorium | ||||
| Religion | Satanism, Metalisim, Oceanism, Oilism,Feminism, Sexosism,Vikingism | ||||
| Major exports | Small arms, Soldiers, Black liquid, Peace | ||||
O'Holy Socialistic Monarch Kingdom of Nowhere (Wich Does Not Concern the Sami-People in the South) (pronounced nowhere by Asians, God and Canadians) is a not-confirmed imaginary tropical country situated at the Earth's north pole. Norway's most imaginary territories include North Dakota, Minnesota, South Dakota and the Ocean, where Norwegians pretend to get food, lay their eggs and harvest a mysterious black liquid used in religious rituals.
Norway is not only a vassal of Russia but also a member of the United Federation of Russia and the Holy Russian Empire since its independence from USA in 1953, Norway maintains a strong reputation amongst outsiders for its harsh censorship and a strong, almost fetishistic love of socks, particularly white ones. The republican kingdom has, in recent years, been at war with Denmark and, more infrequently, Good Mikhailism Decency. A little known fact about these so-called Norwegians is that they reproduce asexually.
Contents |
[edit] History
- Main article: History of Norway
The first king of Norway was Åge Aleksandersen. The history of Norway is that of northernmost group of rich, fish-eating WASPs. It's abundant with Swedes, Danes and UN diplomacy. The current Emperors names is Sergej Nicolaisen, who married the princess of Norway Christina, this happened because of Russias constant threats of invation, the counsil was against this, but after a couple of beers they signed the contract. After the Ice Age ended the Stone Age, Dakota Lundeen invented the make-believe Norway, and the Norwegians were said to be the hairiest and blondest Europeans who babbled a language based on deer grunts and bird cries. They spoke that way until missionaries arrived in the tenth century and taught them to knock off that shit and speak normally. They also taught them how to cook fish (a skill long forgotten in Norway), that Odin wasn't real (but Santa was), and the missionary position (which made the gay sex and bestiality of the "Old Days" impossible).
Although imaginary, Norway is still a part of Europe, but has twice tried to run away. Sweden ran after, even though not invited.
By the 1300's all the Vikings had died out and were replaced by a taller and wealthier breed of Norwegians that think they populate Norway today (called post-vikings). In 1342 King Olav VI (the Hairy) issued an edict that any adult Norwegian under five foot six and $50,000 annually (the remaining Vikings) be shipped off the reeducation centers in Finland. In 1379 Jøn Haarde of Norway was deemed best banker in Europe, interrupting Michael Schwartz's 23 year streak briefly before Jürgen Holzfäller of Geneva surpassed Schwartz's record in 1425.
Norway was unheard of until King Gustav XII/XIII came to power in 1828. His two biggest accomplishments were 1. Building the Olav's Palace Kåsinø (complete with gambling, lutefisk cocktails, and sexy blonde waitresses) in downtown Oslo, which became a goldmine overnight. And 2. Going to war with Israel in 1842 to secure Iceland. Israel had God on their side and defeated Norway in the battle of Britain. Norway took a break for coffee and cake at the wrong time and Israel took hold of Iceland. The effects of the Israeli Occupation are clearly shown by the President's wife. King George II congratulated Israel on its victory by inviting God over for tea on Thursday before seizing Israel in 1843.
Flag of the Norwegian Black Metal Association The twentieth century was a good time for Norway. The Nazi occupation during WWII was much loved by Norwegians because it made them feel good about themselves. The Norwegians sought to Sweden during these times to make them feel good too, but the Swedish refused. Sources say that the Nazis wanted to mate Norwegians with Swedes to make the "master" race, but seeing that all the Swedes were gay they turned pussy (neutral) on their Norwegian brothers with the quote -"Vi vill fan inte knulla med dom där fula norskbrudarna"- which in English means -"We're all way too gay"- The 1950's onward was a time of Norway getting richer and richer and less and less visible in the international society, Norwegians working less and less, and Swedes hating Norway more and more. Oil was discovered in 1956 when a Tromsø suburb was destroyed by a flood of "black gloop". The EU twice tried to force Norway into their union in order to make the map on the tellside of those Euro-coins look less like a penis. Sweden vetoed Norway out of the EU the first time; the reason is unknown. Political pundits speculate that they enjoy the penises on their coins, because they are way too gay. The famous Norwegian boat "The Fast Window" went on reason in Black Country. Microsoft, on the other hand, denies having anything to do with this window. They claim that their window is just as slow as before. In 1916 Norway pissed on Kenya. Kenya has been a developing village ever since. In 2001, an elite unit of the Norwegian Royal Republican Red Communist Twinkie Army was dispatched to claim the Faroe Islands and convert its heathen inhabitants to the one true faith. Unfortunately the army went of route and reached Afghanistan, where they are slaughtering civilians to this very day. Since SK Brann won the cup (not the league) in 2004, a strong separatist movement has been growing in Bergen. They want their own nation, stretching out to, and including, Voss in the west, Bømlo in the south and Mastrafjorden in the west, and they work towards this goal by bringing more foreigners to Oslo, killing wolves and being loud and arrogant. It is commonly known that Hermann Friele is the leader of this group, strongly backed by Varg Vikernes, Jan Eggum, Vibeke Løkkeberg, Gunnar Staalesen, Frank Aarebrot, Erna Solberg and Mons Ivar Mjelde.
In 2008, Norway was blown up by Al-Qaeda who was actually the american FBI, DHS, Coast Guard, State of Connecticut, and Sweden, amongst other skanky yanks, declared itself the Empire of Norway only to have them was sold to Svalbard because the EU said so the very next day for religious reasons concerning the Church of Cheese.
In the year of 2067, Norway will once again accomplish world-domination with a leader which has already been born in Oslo/Verdens Metropol. This leader is a great man called Ole, he is completly undefeated in battle, and is feared by people all over the universe. The legend says that the great Ole will be reborn to rule the country with an iron fist. He will then take over the rest of the planet and be "World Dictator" for the rest of he's life. However, the source of these claims are by general opinion considered extremely fucking unreliable at best. Some psychologists believe that this theory is the product of sexually confused boys.
Even though they're fierce despite towards Sweden, “Nordmenn” often go there on ritual “Harry-tours” to rob and rape Swedish food. This mysterious phenomenon is still not unraveled.
[edit] Royalty
Norway is ruled with an iron fist by the country's beloved Lauritz, a King famous for his collection of novelty hats (which reportedly includes over 12 different double-beer helmets) and his unfathomable hatred towards Sweden and everything Swedish. Also the prince of purple: Ari Behn / Ari Bein has some power over certain parts of the country: Alta, Glomma, Barkåker, Sotra, Stavanger, Tvedestrand, Andebu and Nordkapp fall under his domination. Fortunately for these regions he rules with more of a cotton fist than his father-in-law the King. The Norwegian king has also founded several health concentration camps for non-smokers throughout the country. He himself was formerly known as a world class athlete, but unfortunately he failed to grab the official world ski jumping record in Holmenkollen (the hills of certain death), and now he has gone through numerous surgical operations to correct his appearance. Unless it's forgotten, the prime minister is selected from a pool of potential politicians every fourth year based on his or her likelihood of running Norway into the ditch. He has also just acquired the title of Emperor and gave a speech on Religious Prestige last tuesday. It is believed that the creator of Norway (Dakota Lundeen) will soon rise to power after he prefects his Norwiegn Bar Fighting skillz
[edit] Culture
Norway is famous for its music. Black metal owns all minds in Norway. The bestestestest band of all bands is called DDE, which means Devil's Death Ensemble. They have songs called "Her blir det liv" (Resurrect the dead), "Vinsjan på kaia" (Hanged by Satan), "Vi skal sjå sola ned i havet" (Bringing down the sun), "Rai Rai" (Kill Kill) and "E6" (Road to hell). They are written in an Old Norwegian language called "Norrønt" (Norse) and are extremely scary. On stage the vocalist always walks around naked with only corpse paint on. DDE are the only European band visible from the moon. Go DDE! Rai Rai! The most evil and sly band in all the history of Norway is called The Ole Ivar’s, and is known to burn at least five churches each day, or else they get abstinences and might become blind or even die. Some would say that DDE is more evil, but that's just bullshit. Ole Ivar’s is the true evil in disguise … but they're not trying to hide it (if they are, they clearly suck at it). One thing that is often pointed out is that all Norwegian Black Metal music is actually all the same with only minor changes in pitch and album cover layout. Therefore it is a sound and economic strategy to only buy one single CD with Norwegian Black Metal, as it will contain all songs already written, as well as all songs still to be written.
The true face of evil.
It is a well-known scientifically proven undeniable ultra-fantastic very-fantabulos extremely-reliable 100%-truthy fact that all Norweigans are Vikings that play black metal. In fact 66.7890654% of Norway's GDP comes from black metal albums and Viking helmets. The trendiest diet in Norway is the diet of raw fish and raw evangelical Christian eyeballs along with a side of the traditional “Smalahove” (smoked sheep brains of the finest taste) and “Faarikaal” (Sheep cooked alive, then rolled in cabbage or pig shit). The clothing trends are some of the most stylish in the world … the males often wear leather (with their Viking helmets, of course!) or opt for the traditional corpse paint (with their Viking helmets, of course, you silly goose!). The same goes for females. The only Norwegians not in a black metal band are the members of a-ha, shunned by many of their peers.
Hobbies include: playing black metal, pillaging, pillaging, watching “Hotel Cæsar” on TV, pillaging, playing more black metal, and why-don't-we-pillage-some-more-and-then-go-home-and-play-black-metal. It is a Norwegian custom to wear your Viking helmet at all times or you shall be smitededededed by thy sword. Oh, and add making swords to that list.
Norwegian television is one of the most highly praised and awarded in the whole entire world, consisting of black metal concerts, pillaging reality shows, more black metal concerts, and a Viking culture channel owned by the god Odin (now known as Santa).
All Norwegians are required to worship Santa.
How Odin became known as Santa:
Odin had and argument with his wife, Pamela Anderson.
Odin then starts drinkin' way too much Mead.
Odin gains a beer-belly.
Pamela makes Odin a red fat suit and dumps him
Odin puts it on; then he gets this insane idea of giving presents to whiny emo kids (something no one should ever do, unless it is a gift wrapped knife. Anyone else attempting this is very likely to drown in tears and makeup).
It is worth noticing that the music of Norway is one of the main reasons the country is shunned by the rest of the civilized world. Thailand and Norway are as of this day still not on speaking terms as a result of The Great Disco Disaster of 1994.
There all battyboys whos national sport is gangbanging.
[edit] TV culture
Norway is a nice country if you like to watch radio. When you see the radio it's often brown, but somehow people paint it black, for no reason I think. But the main, and most important thing is; You can watch the radio as long as you like. There is lots of radio on the TV, therefore you got a lot of Radio shows going on the TV every night. Exiting if you like to watch Radio. Every day me and my family sits down in front of the TV and watch Radio. It's a religion. Never watch the TV without radion on it. Remember that, and you may be able to watch some Quality TV with radio shows on. The sound is 5.1 Radio Sorround. Nice when the Radio host is talking about radio in the nighttime. Thats the meaning of watching TV, watch the radio guy sitting down at a radio with lots of lots of radio connectors submitted over and over again inside the radio with nice vision for the latest radio sports. Never miss out the TV Radio.
[edit] Action figures
Norwegians loves transformers. When watching Transformers, norwegians tend to get into a [euphoric] sleep which last for 6 to 9 hours. Because of this, there are strong restrictions against transformers in Norway.
[edit] Transnational Issues
Between 1905 and 2078 Norway fought its War of Independence against Sweden. The conflict is commonly known as Kjöttbullkriget in Sweden. Most of the world, along with the Swedish government, holds that Norway is a protectorate of Sweden. Norwegians just look at Sweden as a black penis-shaped spot on the map.
“Wow! This place sounds like a whack to the dick!”
[edit] Principalities
The Svalbard islands have been under Norwegian control since 1970, when the 30-year long war with Iceland and Russia was put to an end. As the Norwegian Coast Guard has trouble with poor spellers, they usually shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, then asked some questions. Usually "Who do we shoot next?"
Interestingly, modern genetics have revealed that Norwegians are the forefathers of every single individual in the whole wide world who truly matters. Einstein's grandparents were Norwegian fisher-farmers who lived relatively far south in the country. Steven Pinker's parents own a leather-procurement factory in Stavanger. George W. Bush was born in a slightly oxygen-deprived Norwegian fjord. And Newt Gingrich has actually never left Norway. His appearance in American politics is purely a trick of the mind.
[edit] Military
After the Norwegians converted to the political ideology "semi-egalitarism", they had problems maintaining a solid chain of command in their military, as officers are required to keep their ranks secret. Instead, it is common practice for officers to fire their guns in the air to show dominance. This has made warfare almost impossible, since the armed forces never can keep their location secret as they keep firing their guns up in the air. This chain of command has made things difficult for Norwegian officers when participating in NATO crusades. Since Norway is among the greatest oil exporters of the world, and therefore is under a constant threat from U.S. invasion, they have to keep their army in peak condition. Soldiers are required to gain weight during their service, and undergo weekly sessions of alcohol and “Grandiosa” (a Norwegian specialty made of leftovers scraped form old men’s armpits) binging to achieve this. The Norwegian Barfighting Method is the official (and a fast-growing) discipline in the Norwegian military and is in fact the only thing about the Norwegian army that works (if you happen to be looking in a different direction, that is). The highest “Beltegrad” you can get is a red latex belt made of real moose-intestines with red, orange, yellow, green, blue and purple stripes on it. No-one has ever accomplished to get this belt, because they usually die of “Skrumplever”, a serious brain-damage caused by wearing extremely tight Viking-helmets. The actual users of this martial art is deadly, as they can make up smalahove at extreme speeds and shove it down the victims mouth, easily killing them as no one but Norwegian people can survive eating Smalahove.
“Wow! Norway sounds like a whack to the pants!”
[edit] Terrorism
Jens Stoltenberg is the leader of the terrorist-group called "KS", “Kill All Soss” (officially “AP”, pronounced like the word “ape”, but only in Norwegian) in year 1999 he crashed his flight “Pike-Jens 1337” into the Norwegian World Trade Center. Only Erna Solbarg survived the terrorist attack… and a helpless soss. The Guerilla Front of Norway, called "Dænsebænd", is led by a nihilistic and mean-spirited creature whose name, whispered only in shushed awe, is Sputnik. He likes to wear cowboy-gear and is armed with a deadly audio-instrument (see “Skrækkspellfæstival” or “Makrellfestival”). The only weapon law-abiding citizens have against Sputnik is the traditional throwing of “Turbojugend” hats and prime-ministers. This, however, is a controversial weapon, the deployment of which has not been sanctioned by international agreements. Sputnik is most known for his killer hit "Nå skal vi skilles Johanne" ("I can't stand my wife, so I'll kill her"). It's a song with a lot of dark messages, and you can hear them best if you play the song backwards or sideways. Sputnik once collaborated with the terrorist (and Black-Metal band) organization DDE to overthrow the previous Norwegian government. Jens Stoltenberg bears a grudge to this day. It may in fact have caused him to take up bicycling. This may also be the reason he refused to hug Trond Giske as he is a close friend of DDE.
The most famous militerry person is called Arne Torsdal aka "Thorsti". A chicken eating wow looser who dont shower. Therefore he smells horrible. He also dont like beer. At his hometown he was beaten every day by a boy called Mac. Someone think this is the reason he leaved his hometown and started in the military. Thorsti died in January 08 when he eated a chicken without cooking it.
The Sami group “Popular Front for the Liberation of Lappland” engages in vicious terrorism in their struggle for a homeland (and world domination). Tactics usually consist of screaming the word "Erstatning" and encouraging reindeer stampedes, both of which are known to induce fear in the Norwegian populace. The Sami people have been accused for the brutal murders of more than 10 000 Norwegian people living in the town Kristiansand. Reason: they lived in the south (Sami people hate the southern parts of Norway).
Luckily there are many international antiterrorism groups like AB/CD, IRAN MAIDEN, and /the best antiterrorism-agent) Eddie Van Halen.
And now for something completely Norwegian:
There's been a war going on in Norway. Not many people are aware of this fact. For a long time, the Wolf tribe and the Sheep tribe have been fighting each other. There are many people who sympathize with these tribes. More specifically, at least two groups of people are sympathizing with the Wolf tribe. They are not aware of the fact that the Wolf tribe has brainwashed them, so they follow the tribe blindly. They are known for going to war against the ones that sympathize with the Sheep tribe. The "warriors" on each side are fierce, and they will never surrender, no matter what. Sometimes, some members of the Sheep tribe scarify themselves on purpose so they can blame the Wolf tribe. These Sheep are known as "Kamikaze Sheep" or “Selvmordssau” and fear no one. You do not know who they are before you read about them in the news. And then it is too late. You're already dead. So what are you doing reading the newspapers, you dead guy, you?
The two groups of people that sympathize with the Wolf tribe are called “Naturvernforbundet” (the institution for protecting weak, naturalistic minds) and “Natur og ungdom” (a pure-bread hippie organization only for hippies). Of course there are groups of people that sympathize with the Sheep tribe too. One of these groups is "Sauebønder", or "The Norwegian Sheep Shagging Foundation" (NSSF), as they are known by the rest of the world (Sheep farmers). They are helping the Sheep's cause by offering them a place to stay during the winter, and in the summer, they let them out in the forest again. The forests are at their most sheep-friendly during summer. The "Sauebønder" keep complaining about their losses of sheep, but refuse to realize that it is their own fault when they let their sheep out in the dangerous forests.
[edit] Indigenous people
Some of the natives are born outside marriage, and go under the definition Jukselapp. WARNING: If you wander around in Norway, and are offered any kind of “Lapp” you must always eat it with sour cream and jam. This may sound confusing because you’re not supposed to understand. The Trolls are the least well-known of the indigenous people, as they have blended into the society with such success that it is hard to spot them. The playwright Henrik Ibsen exposed them in his play Peer Gynt (also see: “Brokeback Mountain”) (and no, Peer was not a Troll) (Peer is pronounced with one E), where they lived as cowboys in a mountain cave in “Dovre Mountain Range”. Their trade mark was the inability to see very well, being 'Seg Selv Nok' (Preoccupied with themselves), and not bearing the exposure to sun light (they would burst). Trolls are really quite dumb, but don't tell them that, as they would be very offended.
Thanks to Darwin, the Trolls evolved, and they can now spend hours in the sun. They love traveling down to the beaches around the Mediterranean, but have also been spotted as far a field as Thailand and Brazil. Crowds of Trolls are known to colonize the beaches of Spain These so called "German tourists" have developed samazing skills, and some are able to put a towel on a sun bed at 200 yards. Foreign food does not agree with them, and a trolls cave can often be mistaken for a "font of Cess-a Reet Shithoole" or more commonly known as Oslo town hall (you can find it in Oslo Shitty).
Although Ibsen compared Peer Gynt to a cabbage - if you start peeling it, you'll never reach the core - he was unable to find the right veg for the Trolls. In retrospect, the Trolls can be compared with a potato; a fairly friendly veg, but not very bright (Trolls do not like school).
In addition to ordinary Troll, there is 'Kon-Troll' (also known as the Paper Monster; related to 'con-troll' in English, and the cookie monster in Sesame Street), who lives in governmental and municipal offices. These buggers can be quite nasty, but nevertheless not as severe as their big brothers living in Brussels. The Kon-Trolls love: to count hours (or even seconds), money, filing reports, fill in forms, raking money and children into sacks with their grubby mitts and other types of useful activities. They have recently become invigorated by the explosion of the project plague, which paralyses entire work sector, and in severe cases your mum.
[edit] The Legacy of 'Flammen'
Norwegian people talk of an English guy coming to live in Norway, although, very few are certain of this, they say he can speak Norwegian and is very popular with the Norwegian ladies.
Infact, although only having apparent contact with Norwegians through the internet he has learnt impeccable Norwegian and has even made girls dream of him, and play his music daily in an attempt to impress him.
Many people also talk of Flammen like a god, and have many respects for him, of course all of these respects go into the MINUS numbers after they find out he is a Jew.
Another fact, heavily disputed tho, says he came in contact with a Norwegian man of such virility and masculinity, that he immedeatly fell in love with the country. This Guru of lady-knowledge is said to inhabit the eastern regions of Norway, possibly in a former olympic town, and is known in the region for his monopoly on removing virginities on goodlooking 17-20 year olds. Rumours has it that this Flammen is coming to Norway to learn the secrets of the Way of the Guru, and bring them back to England to prevent more inbreeding.
[edit] Nature
Norway's got big dinosaurs running around eating people, rabbits, bigfeet and polar bearss, unlike Kenya. Unlike what most people outside of Norway think, polar bears do walk around in towns and cities. This has become so big of a problem in Oslo that they have their own polar bear patrols to keep them at bay. (This ofcourse is an outdated fackt. As of December 1st 2007 Oslo has become the worlds largest prison.) This has been controversial, as many white supremacist sheep farmers argue that brown bears are just as much of a problem as they have been seen to occasionally eat (white) sheep, out in the country.
The average norwegian person is made of solid gold and anywhere between six foot seven and seven feet tall although in rare occurrences they have been known to grow over ten foot tall. The average norwegian has a massive amount of facial hair all over their body (even on their own hair and stomach lining) This gave rise to the belief that there are no norwegian women but you can tell a women from a man in Norway by the excessive amount of hair on their eyes. Another way to tell a Norwegian person from a normal person is from the Norwegians urge to burn, rape and pillage then suddenly sail off on a dragon boat. Although these activities are illegal in most countries in Norway they are a popular passtime. Another reason Norwegians are freaks is because of the excessive amount of metalheads resident in Norway. The government has commissioned a cull on these metalheads so as to attract tourists but this is futile as Norway is a dump and no-one wants to go there. SWEDEN SUCKS!!!
Nearsighted people are illegal in Norway. Therefore most nearsighted people in Norway have been exported to Iowa to form their own colony, changing their names from Norwegians to Iowegians. In return the state of Iowa sponsors the first verse of the Norwegian national anthem. It has, however, repeatedly expressed doubts about the notorius second verse.
In the fjords of Norway there are several unidentified creatures. According to old legends, many of them share an uncanny similarity with Nessie of Loch Ness. But since they have not yet been identified, we don't really know.
It has long been believed that Keiko the killer whale died of natural causes during the animal's recent stay in the Norwegian fjords. This turns out to be nothing more than a cover story. Keiko was killed by the local "lænsmanj" (sheriff) after refusing to join his regiment of poorly trained suicide polar-bears. Keiko argued in futility that he was neither a polar bear nor any other land animal and would therefore have difficulties performing his duties on land even though he sympathized with the cause (which was to force the government to withdraw from the United Federation of Planets and join the Klingon Empire). The Lænsmanj, drunk on potato moonshine, would not listen to reason and stabbed the whale to death with his 2-inch pocketknife – a ruthless murder which took a fortnight to complete.
Of Norway's natural assets, the most valuable is believed to be the ground-frost, also known as Tæle (or Tele for a small minority of rich Oslo west-enders who are constantly trying to acquire this asset, consistently undervaluing it). The most famous transaction of Tæle was when Halvdan Svarte bought a great piece of this from his brother, in order to ensure a safe passage across a sound. Needless to say, it mattered little that the ground was frozen 50 feet below him when the water was not, and poor Halvdan suffered the most common Norwegian cause of death.
Hunting and fishing: Most tourists visiting Norway are not in the country to look at the nature. Their real reason for visiting is hunting moose or free fishing. (See German tourist.) Hunting of moose with gun is only legal a short periode of the year, and at a high fee to the local owner of land. But hunting moose with a car is legal, and well organized by the national authorities. Along the roads with good hunting conditions, there are set up lots of informational signs. Dependent of position, they are indicating if the moose is likely to show up at right or left side of the road, and the distance it will run along the road before escaping. At certain places there are even set up fences with narrow gaps, to collect as many animals as possible. And some places are even equipped with light signals, to show if there are any moose in the area that can be hunted. The Norwegian tourist authorities has launched the campaign for moose hunting: A bloody experience you will remember for a long time.
The former queen, Laila Solli, lost her job because she was so cheap.
A other hunting goal in norway is wormhunting. The worm (at norwegian ¨meitemark¨) is easily spotted by birds. The birds can hear worms down in the ground. when the birds are on to catch the worm, you can shoot the bird and take the worm. In Norway it is popular to feed their children with worms because it is not expensive and the other money can be used at Norwegian prostitutes.
[edit] Sports
- The national sport of Norway is called “skistil okserunk”, which roughly translates into: "Milk the Bull While Wearing Suspenders and Skis". This is a relatively safe sport with a tiny insignificant death-rate of approximately 99.2%.
- Norway is the first country in the world to start a Champion's League of Nightmares. It is fast becoming hugely popular in other countries, though.
- Running in the rain/sleet has the dubious honor of being, simultaneously, both the most practised and most hated sport in Norway. This is nowadays known as the Norwegian Runner's Rain/Sleet Paradox in climatological circles.
- Another famous sport in Norway is called "Island Jumping". This is a sport where contestants jump from one island to another. Another version of this sport is called "Bar Jumping", where contestants go from one bar to another, drink some karsk, and then go on to the next bar. The one who throws up first has lost, and the one who is first to arrive at the nachspiel has won. The popularity of these two sports has resulted in Norwegian bars being spread around various islands on the coast of Norway.Norway Sport Accsociation
- There are also other sports in Norway. Like skiing. Originally the fun part of this sport was that you had to tie people to skies, and then send them downhill, and see who would get down fastest. In the past, the losing team would be bombarded with oranges - hence the Norwegian rule of always bringing oranges on skiing trips.
[edit] Football
We also have to say a word about Football (or soccer as idiots call this sport). In Norway the greatest achievement for the national team is to make it to the World Cup, and simply losing every game. Norway has succeeded in this for as long as history can remember. Except for the time when Norway beat Brazil 2-1. This was due to Drillo using his immense glasses to reflect the spotlight onto the eyes of the Brazilians. This victory is, by all Norwegian men, considered the greatest Norwegian achievement of all time.
The Norwegian hooligans are still as fierce as ever, and many of them are still writing letters on their chest. Some are even writing telegrams. Also, a recent profusion of e-mails has been noted. But the last time they tried to do this, there was one person too many on their team. This led to a lot of confusion. At the last minute, they agreed to do what many reality shows do: they started to vote for someone to leave them. In fact, there was only one person left when they were finished, and he won one million NOK. He can't use the money, because they are not real. Actually, they got the money from a monopoly-game.
Illuminating as the previous paragraph on Norwegian football is, a few things need to be added. First of all, Norwegian soccer is dominated by a slightly boring brand of reindeer. They're not boring in the traditional sense, though – they are actually quite interesting. But unfortunately, they're kind of nerdy. Even when they have entertaining points to make, they make them in such a dry and "witty" way, it's enough to drive you crazy. And they're more of a defensive team than a spectator magnet. Also, they have four stomachs, none of which are very entertaining.
Another notable aspect of Norwegian football is the widespread use of "complementary beverages". These beverages are universally known to be complimentary. They are often served in glasses. It is considered to be uncouth to drink the glass itself. Only the beverage contained within the glass should be consumed. Once the glass has been emptied of its contents, it should be hurled in the general direction of Sweden.
Others:
- Looting and pilaging peasant villages
- Wooden Spoon fencing
[edit] Soss
The Soss are a Norwegian breed of posh bastards. 37,1759% of Norwegian teenagers can be classified as Soss, which also is known as the Princess-Bitchface syndrom. This is an increasing problem and scientists still haven't found a cure. It is proved that the disease can be contagious.
The Soss originated from rats instead of monkeys, and have many rat-like features. Many of them still have a tail, or at least they think so. That is why the males wear their pants around their knees, because if they don't, they think their tail will get jammed in their pants. They never go anywhere without a white or pink headband. Without the headbands they are defenseless. That is why they always travel in large packs of twelwe or more. They always have more money than they should have (capitalist ratdogpigs), but still just hang around outside kiosks without ever buying anything. Their behavior is a bit different from oridinary people. They always threaten people to beat them up when they are in large numbers, but when they are alone and someone tries to fight them, they run and hide (they will always return in greater numbers, though)
Their religion is called Quiz. They practise their religion by going after someone and say the word "quiz!" to him in many different voices. They are often observed in large groups lined up against a wall while they sing it. They believe they will receive blessings from their god if they do so. But they won't. Idiots. They believe that Quiz is their god. Every night they pray to Quiz. Their main base is located in Holmenkollen. They hate jews and black people but ironically they liten to 50 cent all the freking time.
And for you, if you ever plan to visit Norway, make sure to find at least one teenager that is not a Soss. If you do that you can learn how to defend yourself from a soss. This is hard. You must look very closely. Usually you can spot two or three if you can hear them having an actual conversation, rather then groaning, laughing and occasional phrases of "kebab-norsk". This is really helpful and you will be able to keep your sanity for at least a day. Bring a shotgun.
[edit] Facts
- Main article: Norway/facts
- The only industry which has survived in the northern parts of Norway is selling/making booze
- In Norway, moose hunts YOU!!
- Polar bears walk around everywhere, please bring a slingshot...
- Norwegians use Penguins for pillows, they are sooo comfy.
- Norwegians insist they are bigger and better than you, don't argue.
- In Norway, sheep are OK people. (Sauer er ålreite dyr).
- In Norway, your boobs are okay.
- The national food dish is called Lapskaus (which consists of chopped lamb, potatoes and semen).
- Norway is allways at war with Sweden, but the swedes never realise this.
- Norwegians consume more polarbear meat a year than the rest of universe does in a whole decade.
- The prime minister of Norway, Pikenes Jens, is actually an alien from the planet Naboo. He came to Norway in 1349 along with the Black Death (Svartedauden). They are still best friends and visits each other twice a year.
- The norwegian church is ruled by Raske Menn, they pwn everyone.
The secret weapon Eli Hagen is a lethal biohazardous weapon designed to spread fleas throughout the world with her crazy hair.
Moskva-Marit is Norway's biggest celebrity, because she has the incredible BMI-score of 89,3.
- It is compulsory for each Norwegian to have more debt than a South American country. Because of this, December's tax bill is halved to allow norwegians to buy each other home brew kits from Ikea. Employers hold back 12% of salaries so norwegians can afford a summer holiday 10 km away from home in a hut with no water or electricity.
- To hold the door for someone, is in Norway regarded as an insult. Because Norwegians must learn to endure harsh a enviroment, and of course the fearsome Finns. To hold the door for a Norwegian is like saying you are not capable of holding the door your self.
- The most used sentence in Norway is "Quiz!".
- The most common names are Per, Laila and Ludoburgero (which is italian for Laila).
- In Oslo 90% are left handed, 6% write with their feet and 4% are anal-phabetic
- The culture of Norway is (as of 2001) no more. It has been replaced by emo, rappers, hip-hoppers, Communist, self-loading white males, Paris Hilton look-a-likes, drug addicts, and retards. This has been the pleasure of channels like MTV, The Voice, Mess-TV and Norway Roundt.
- In Norway, the man with the best horse is president
- The signal for "help" in Norway is to start chewing intensly on your right index finger while screaming "I am an otter". This will not help you in any way though. No one will ever listen to you. EVER. The Soss loves to masturbate on street to draw extra attention to the ladies
- The Norwegian boy-racers are called "Rånara", they like to compete in driving to see who can create the largest hole in the ozone-layer. They usually drive old, rubbish cars, like old Mercs, Volvos (despite the Swedish hate) and BMWs. They play loud Norwegian-heavy-metal music to scare old people.
[edit] Tourist Information
The motto for the Norwegian tourist board has since the fall of the Berlin wall (when tourism was re-legalized) been “come to Norway and see how the road system in your home country was during the war”.
Norway is the only country in the world where there are 367 days every year. These days occur at 0:00AM between the 12th and the 13th of April. This is in the middle of easter, and that is why the two extra days are called middle-east.
There are 2 supermarkets in Norway, on account of the trees growing too thickly for anyone to be able to get their shopping trolleys to the checkout register. If you somehow manage to find one despite the odds, you should be advised that the names of the foodstuffs may be confusing. This is because bork is the Swedish spelling; Norwegians will be mortally offended at its mere whispered mention. The closest Norwegian equivalent is "bjørk" – please note that for a full and balanced diet, you need both bjørk and other bjørk, or the ever-popular daily multibjørk.
If you decide to visit Norway, be sure to bring lots of money. If your annual income is less than $1.000.000, don't bother. Go somewhere else.
Every year Germans invade Norway in their mobile homes. They drive slow, do not use their rear view mirrors and are of great annoyance to the west-coast-crazy people who are in a hurry. Germans are the only people that can afford to go to Norway. This is only because they bring their own place to live and their own food and therefore don't spend any money in Norway. Food in Norway is expensive. A BigMac menu costs $11, and it's not even supersized.
A car costs the same as the national budget of a small African country, so most Norwegians drive old underpowered cars. The roads of Norway holds a standard equal to the dirt roads in the Amazon jungle. Combined with the old shitty cars driving in Norway is a nightmare.
You should visit Bærums Verk( Bærum ). This place have maybe the worlds nicest christmas shopping street.
The word "Vattnisse" is a mortal insult in Norway. Several students kill each other daily in duels becuse of the frequent use of this forbidden word. And don't call anyone "Eros". Thank you for your corporation. erik selmer eat goat cheese every day and his smoking marihuana and eating fishermands friends he loves the same clothes and he hav a joungle of hear in his nose.
[edit] Major attractions
None, only fjords and the statue of Erik Selmer in Pipervika, Also known as The Statue of Nikotin. Fucking good salmon though and one should also mention Wigelands parken... Lots of naked rock people... And my personall favorite: "The monolith" (A great big phallous... Oh boys!!!)
[edit] Things to do
Go home. Bludgeon random norwegians with frozen pike. Go to Hell, the only warm place in Norway, situated just outside Trondheim. Tourists should take care not to leave their cars while in this area, as Hell is naturally inhabited by a variety of evil, bloodthirsty demons (Trøndere being the dominating, and also the most dangerous kind).
Or if you are one of the few people who actually want to see norway... Here are a few pointers:
- Visit Tromsø, drink Mack and eat seals.... Yummy!!
- Admire the tourists admiring the locals who are admiring the tourists who admire the Fjords.
- Save up some facial hair, and visit Trondheim... Home of both naturall and un natural facial hair...
- Go on a whale safari... YOU WILL WHALE!!!
- Visit Oz and kill a witch. (It's the local sport of choice...)
- Bring an umbrella and visit Bergen. (It's raining MEN, HALLELUJAH!!!!)
- You could even visit Stavanger for a(n oil) spill...
- The bible belt of Norway is nice... You could visit its shiny buckle... Arendal... (Bling Bling.)
Visiting Haugesund - The Pearl of the Coast
If you ever consider visiting this beautiful city, with sild, FKH, "kaien", drugs and random violence - remember allways that you will be most welcome. The Haugesunders are joyful people who love their football team - FKH - they just choose not to show it sometimes (except when they are in the cupfinal). In Haugesund you can find a lot of different people, like said earlier in this resumé about Norway, you will meet "Sossar", bad-ass wannabe Gangsters, politicians, footballers, retards/nerds, normal people, rockers, drugaddicts and offcourse leeches (people that has so weak minds of their own, they just do what others have done.) But don't worry, the city is beautiful - so what? There great risk of randomly getting beaten up, the weather is awful most of the time - but hey! The football team is still good...right?!
[edit] The Real Norway
One day, a part of hell froze over and turned to Norway. Danzig aka The Devil once went to see this cold hell land and loved it so much, that he actually built him self a vacation house in a place called Hell in Stjørdal, Norway. When he don't want to sleep in his own vacation house, he sleeps in Rica Hell Hotel(Don't believe me?? Just fucking google it). Norway, aka the Hell on Earth, has also given us a shitload of good satanic music like Dimmu Borgir, DDE, Terje Tysland, Sputnik and other types of music, like the death-punk band Turbonegro. And don't forget Hellbillies!
- TRUE* In norway there is actually a place called Hell and it also says hell bil (hell car) on some cars!
[edit] Famous Norwegians
- Main article: Norway/Famous Norwegians
- Kjartan Hrafnkelsson, The first Icelandic king of Norway
- Lars Sponheim (ravening psychopath working as the head of the Norwegian government)
- Dag-inn Drøybråten (a nice young fellow. contributing to a great sport listed right under.)
- Gerd-Liv Vallhallah (employee abuser)
- Moskva-Marit
- Kofi Annans lost cousin, Anthony Annan
- Osama bin Laden (Only in summer holiday. He has a cabin in Narvik)
- Sputnik, the band.
- Jens Stoltenbarg (a jolly nice chap)
- Satan
- Herre mann Fry Lie (the inventor of coffee, (He also wants a persentage from Starbucks. He makes his coffee of negro people))
- Herje Sjøviknes (Allso known as the wizard of Oz, and distant cousine of Beavis & Butthead. He was also the man, eh no... person who imported political intrigue to Norway.)
DDE-Band, consisting of:
- Arnt Egil Rånes:String Instruments. (Includes lead guitar, hardingfele (called "hard-on fiddle" in English), lead masturbation)
- Bjarne Brøndbo aka Goatcorpsegrinding Fatsofucker:Accordion, Vocals and mascot. (He is famous for being one of the most skilled death growlers in Norway)
- Bård Jørgen IversenKeyboard.
- Egon Olsen (The norwegian equivalent of Jesse James, the leader of the much feared mafia "Olsenbanden")
- Eivind Berre:Bass.
- Eskil Brøndbo:Drums. (Popular in the black and death metal circles for being an expert in performing blast beats)
- Frode Viken:String instruments. (Includes rhythm guitar, rhythm hardingfele, rhythm masturbation)
- Adolf Hitler:Lyric writer and Band-manager.
- Achmed - Underground kebabking
- Sukhdeep - The only sikh in Norway. Got it all going deep.
- Harddick - Suckdeeps best friend! Half-sikh.
- Kenneth Bernhardsen - Rælunge
- Varg Vikernes - Manager
- Toki Wartooth
- Magnus Babsvik - Stunt/fight coordinator of Hitman Kjell
- Oscar Fjelli - Really famous
- Camilla Swift - for just being innit
- Erik Selmer - For being the founder of the greates goat cheese empire in the world
- Olauf Kierkegaard - Don't really know why, but he is very loved in Norway
[edit] Major cities
- Main article: Norway/Major cities
In Kardemommeby you will find manny retarded people like Chuck Whories and Paris Filthon.
In Kardemommeby you will also find the largest and most developed anarchist society in Norway. It has only one law: As long as you don't hurt anybody, you can do what ever you want. This law is often accompanied with song and dance, and sung about 23 times a day. It is not recommended to visit this town because the risk of going mad within one hour is on about 126 %
Don't forget to be in the hardware store Uma (Unreal Masturbating Anal)
Friendly, warm city known for it's tolerance and openness.
[edit] Some useful words and phrases in norwegian
Beer - reinsdyrpiss
Hello - Jammenheigoddagsåhyggeligåsedeg or hallaballa, morrapuler! or va faen'a?
Fucking shit! - La meg få driten din!
I love you - VIL DU VÆRRA MED MÆ HJEM I NATT!!(should be shouted as loudly as possible)
Ok - Greittjom sveittjom.
See you later - Pul meg senere.
How do you do? - Vært på sykehuset nå igjen?
How are you doing today? - Hva i helvete er det som feiler deg?
You are great person, I think we'll be great friends. - Vess du fan ikke kan oppfør dæ årntli så ska æ stapp høue ditt opp i ræva di, så kan du sett dær, aleina i mørtna, å prat mannskit me dæ sjøl.
Did you lose the game? - Låste du gammen?
She looks a bit anxious - Hun lukter litt ansjos.
Where should I go? - Hvor sleiker du ballene mine?
Could I have some fries with that? - Slenger du på noe lutefisk?
Do you have a light? - Jeg vil tenne på huset ditt.
Wow, you look really strong! Do you work out a lot? - E vedde på at e kan slå deg ihjæl din jævla kuk! Skal vi slåss?
You're really stupid. - Er du nynorsk?
Excuse me, is this non-smoking? - Unnskyld, kan du ta av meg smokingen?
Do you want a cigarette? - Kom her, så skal jeg svi nesehåra dine.
Let me buy you a beer - Drikk til jeg er pen!
Do you want to fuck? - Skal vi plukke blomster? or - Hei på dei vil du rida me mei?
Damn you! - Å inni bøssingen.
Oh man! - Kall meg sild og legg meg i lake.
Goodbye then, see you later! - Føkk åff!
Nice to meet you! - Du er jo helt blåst!
I like your face - Jeg orker ikke trynet ditt.
I wonder where Rolf went - Fortell meg hvor Rolf er din løskuk.
Where is the toilet? - Har du ei bøtte?
Where do you live? - De hainndle om å leve?
Can i borrow your bike? - Kan jeg låne kuken din?
Where is the Hospital? - Må du en tur i skauen?
Do you have any rooms? - Kan jeg dele rom med deg?
How much is the bus fare? - Bussbillett, kan du ikke bare la det fare?
No - Gjerne
Yes - Spis drit
I like your hair - Du har sloss med gressklipperen ser jeg.
Blow me - Spreng meg
Can you give me a hand? - Kan jeg ta handa mi på balla di?
Holy Crap - Hellig dritt
You mum is here - Mordi er heit
Fuck! - Saft!
Fuck you! - Saft deg!
Goddamnit! - Fillern!
Cocksucker! - Snuleluller!
Doody - Bæsj!
You're a nice person. - Din jævla engangskuk.
Your dad - Æ ska pul fardin!
I want my steak well done - Æ vil ha skårra på hæstkuken.
Would you like to come up for some coffee? - Hva sier du til å bli med opp til rommet mitt for uhemmet seksuell utfoldelse?
Gledtsdidit - Medgjørlig
Excuse me - Du sliter
I love you - Sug en hestekuk.
I like you - skavvi pul?
Manchester United - Et hellig symbol i Norge, det finnes også Chelsea - for de uten egne tanker, Arsenal - for de uten hjerne, Brann - hva FAEN?!??! og FK Haugesund...
SK Brann - Alt for Brann ikke noe vann!
Foreigner - Jævla søring!
Is this the strongest you've got? - Hajdu kasjk?
I want a short cut on my hair - Gjør meg skalla din spjæling.
Have you seen an ogre? - Har du sett en støgging?
Please stop doing that pervert - Gjør det der et par ganger til er du snill, for faen.
Can you please tell me where the whorehouse is? - Vet du hvor Kurbadet er hen?
Can I have a cake? - Skal vi bolle?
Food - Hvis alle mennesker var en farge ville du ha vært spygrønnt.
Can i see your Home? - Skal vi pule?
Icecream - Rusmisbruk
Hotellroom - Kondomeri/Horehus
Taxidriver - Innvandrer
[edit] See also
nn:Norge
| YECCH! This article is UGLY. It may not be as ugly as this template, but it still needs to be fixed. Please make this look like a proper wiki article by adding links, headers, paragraphs, or any other formatting needed (see here for instructions and look at these for examples). If this page is not fixed in 30 days it may become a candidate for deletion. |
