Norwich

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“To lose one football match is unfortunate - to lose two football matches smacks of incompetence.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Norwich City Football Club

“DION DUBLIN FOR PM.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Norwich

“They refused to let me in until I named all 7,085 types of tractor. Lucky for me I Fooking Rule at Agricultural Trivia. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Traveling To Norwich

“Isn't it just a small town near Ipswich?. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Location of Norwich

Norwich ( pronounced Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaridge ) in the southeast of England,was invented in 1923 and is kept in Norfolk where it has lived (and belongs) for the past 84 years.

Norwich has a population of approximately 2500 of which 2498 are related to each other and the rest are classed as Furriners who have decided to settle in Norwich from beyond the great Horizon. These people are now subjegated to widespread abuse and the occasional house torching.

Many people still believe that if you travel past Thetford (The Great Horizon) you will fall off the edge of the world and be devoured by DELIA the Great Star Goat.

Norwich's centre of "loocal" power is Anglia Square (pron: Angla Swear), a beautiful multi-storey mock-Georgian estate building in the "shit (shyte) bit" in the North of the city, overlooking the now empty Matthews Turkey fields. Built in 1770 it features a recently added pleasant 1960's facade, complete with "artwork". During the Second Norfolk-Suffolk war, the enemy extensively bombed the city, but sadly missed this bit out, despite the whole population lighting signal fires, shouting and waving flags to attract their attention. The area is also famous for being the home of HMSO or HOMS as it was known in the old days, it made books and stuff and that to export to the clever people who lived far away in the South and North and West.

The City is twinned with Dresden, Dar-es-Salaaaam, Cabbages and the first city to be built on the moon when it's finished in a few days time.

Journeys to Norwich can be enjoyed along the East Anglian Superhighway which locals feel typifies the embracing spirit of forward thinking and boundless enthusiasm for change with which the city has become so synonymous. Starting in London, the M11 tempts you with an 18 lane mega-freeway which is adapted at the So-fuck/No-fuck border to a single unmetalled cart track with a stop/go scarecrow at the town of Evilden. All other roads to the city are along dank, misty, and fragrant tow-paths. These paths are notoriously dangerous - ambushes laid by inbreds are a common occurrence.

The popular Rouen Daily Press newspaper is published fortnightly to warn the locals of full moons, new roads and immigrants, as well as providing the timetables for Cadmium air spraying.

Situated to the south-west of the city Norwich has its own Locust cars company which fulfills the local transport needs with a fine blend of extruded window frames and glass-fibre bodied three wheelers.

[edit] Vocabulary

Here are some useful Norwich phrases and words:

Ah u gorn near thuh Puust Orfice? - Are you going near the Post Office?

Aircal - Small town half-way between Naaridge and Gt.Yaarmuuth on the A47

Angla Swear - (Anglia Square) A masterpiece of 1960's urban architecture of unparalleled hideousness located just 'nuuth on the Maglen Street fly-ovah'. This unbelievably bleak edifice of concrete and rusting steel narrowly missed out on the prize for 'best urban regeneration project' by 137 places. One day in the future it will fall down but unfortunately none of us will be around to witness that happy event

Ar yer orrite, booy - Good Morning

Ar yer orrite, booy - Good Afternoon

Ar yer orrite, booy - Good Evening

Ass a rum ol' jarb un't it booy? - It's a strange situation

Ass roight hent ut? - 'I believe that to be correct.' A statement posed as a question; a conversational technique employed over wide ranging areas of Eest Angular sic

Assa bit black ova Will's medder, hent et? - Take a look at those threatening black clouds. I think it might rain.

Assa jook - I’m just kidding

Awld Yares Noight - New Year's Eve

Bare - Sold by the pint in Shicagoo’s

Bisha Barnabee - A Ladybird

Blast Bor, yow git a ding-a-tha-lug - I’m going to hit you now

Boats - National chemist chain (Boots) - see Foo too/Fota

Boost - To brag about one's achievements

Boots - Vessels used on river and sea e.g. at Loose-tarfed (Not to be confused with 'Boots the Chemists')

Booy - boy/man

Bulcunee - A bit that jut outer upstairs so yer can goo outside.

Buth arnhem - Both of them

Cabbit? - "Can I have a piece of that please?"

CAAANT! - "You wouldn't happen to support Ipswich Town would you?"

Card - Traditionally eaten with chips, might well have been caught off Loose-tarfed

Carra Rud - a place where Naaridge people go to watch their football team lose. Another place like this is Portman Road.

Chairs - term used when raising a glass of beer, wine etc. in the company of friends

Chimbley - chimney

Chow - Goodbye - (Rhymes with 'low')

Ci'ee - as in Naaridge ci'ee - a place for shopping

Con-cue-lata - Item used instead of an abacus - Once seen used in a Norwich shop to calculate the change to be given from £1 for a 99 pence purchase - honestly!

Cooin - queueing

Compoota - computer (used only in the subjunctive sense -- i.e. "if oy ad a compoota" -- since this technology has yet to be introduced to Norfolk). (See also - 'Pootah')

Cossey Costessey (Which is actually pronounced, well um, Cossey)

Cruummer - Nuuth Narfak seaside town of Cromer

Cumbine aarvista - an agricultural vehicle

Cuntry -- Country; countryside

Curls - a department store in Naaridge ci'ee long since renamed as Debenhams (but news travels slowly in Naaridge!)

Dare-um - (East) Dereham

Dawg – dog

Dew u lissen hair - Now you listen to me

Dicky pron. dicka - a donkey - See 'Ha'yer.....' below

Dodman - Snail

Doo whaat? - I beg your pardon.

DOOURRR (Often accompanied by boggling eyes and deformed mouth shapes) - Isn't the aforementioned obvious?

Dunt - Doesn't

Eltra-con-a-cuted - When one receives 230v from a power socket

Es a rummun! int e? - He is a strange fellow, is he not?

Fare ta middlin - I’m doing quite well actually

Fillum- Norwich/Norfolk people used to watch these at a cinema. Latterly they are inclined to frequent a 'videa' shop and sit at home with a 'tek-away'

Foo too or Fota - Get these developed at Boots (the chemist! - not Loose-tarfed vessels) See 'Boats'

Fool - Petrol or Diesel - Not to be confused with 'fule' a slight silly person

Fooze - Electrical component on sale at Hum Base

Furriners - People who come from anywhere south of Thetford

Fuun - telephone

Gatoo - Sticky chocolate cake

Getoninoutonit - Do come in, its beginning to rain

Goo yew stedda booy - Please drive with care

Gretole - rather large

Gu tehec bor - How surprising my man

Guunna - going to

Ha' ya gorra bead on?- Are you sweating?

Ha' ya got a loight, bor? - Could you please lend me some sort of cigarette ignition device, kind sir?

Hairo - Hero

Har ya gittin arn tagether? - Hello

Harnser - a heron

Ha'yer far gorra dicka, booy? - does your father own a donkey?

Haysbra - Happisburgh - Strangely....the correct pronunciation is 'Haysbra'

Heesay – He said

Hent - haven't

Heyya? - Have you really?

Hirrix la rouge bon fo sum dinna - Where is the local chippy?

Hoo-har - a fuss or commotion

Hoomid - As in "Thas hoomid taday" - A meterological phenomenon otherwise known as high humidity

Hoss – horse

How fer ar ya doin' booy? - How are you?

How yer gettin arn booy? - Norfolk greeting

Hum Base - DIY store

Hunstan - Hunstanton – Nuuth-wairst Narfak coostal village

Husband/Wife - Normally a cousin

I/yoo/ee/shee gooo - I/you/he/she goes to (or 'went to')

I/yoo/ee/shee see - I/you/he/she saw (N.B. in 1943, teaching of the past tense was abolished in all Norfolk schools.)

Intat? - Is it not?

Iss'at roight? - Comment to show that attention is being paid to the speaker

Jargon - Like running, but at a more leisurely pace

Khaarsee - Suburb on the western edge of Naaridge

Kelp? - Another 'high-speed' contraction of speech - 'May I be of assistance?'

Koo - Any of the bovine-family of animals (Not to be confused with 'coo' - a line of people 'cooin')

KooDee - Discount shop at the top of St.Stephens Street and in Angla Swaer

Loight arse - Lighthouse

Loose-tarfed - East coast fishing port

Lully ole jarb - Lovely old job = Excellent

Mardle - General chit-chat, much favoured by older members of the community, about 'suffin' qv. and 'nuffin' qv.

Mawkin - something that stands in a field to scare birds.

Mawther - girl/woman

Muutah - automobile

Naarfak dumplin - A vaguely nasty, sinking, dumpling/a person from outside the city wall with questionable parentage and too many fingers

Naaridge Yoonyun - Sometime major Naarfak, but now northern India, employer

Neet-said - the village of Neatishead 'nuuth ah Naaridge'

Noo idare - no idea/ don't know

Nuffin - Nothing - Generally employed along with 'Suffin' as in 'Suffin an' Nuffin' suggesting that other wonderful Norwich phrase 'A luud of ol' tosh'

Nuuth - one of the points of the compass

Oi gaat rongg - I'm in trouble/I was told-off

Oi hatta larf - It was extremely funny

Oim goo un up tha ci'ee ta doo a bih a shaarpen - I am heading into Naarridge to make some purchases

Oim jus gorn oop the ruud - I am just going up the road

On - Of (as in "I loike tha look on that cairke, can I hav a piece on uut?")

Oodiun - Where the people of Norwich used to watch "fillums"

Oover air / oover ere - 'I'm over here'

Pootah - Computer

Roight - right

Rup Bah - Variation on the above

S'artanoon - referring to the period of time between mid-day and evening

Sheranum - Seaside town (Sheringham) a few miles to the west of Cruummer

Shicagoo’s - Nightspot on Prince of Wales Road, Norwich

Shink - Should think

Shoont - Shouldn't

Sproight - Fizzy lemon drink

Spr'stn - Sprowston

Stare-shun - where trains arrive and depart as in 'Thorpe station'

Stoop ud - Term applied to very silly people

thas scoowiff - it isn't straight

Suffin - Something - Generally employed along with 'Nuffin' as in 'Suffin an' Nuffin' suggesting that other wonderful Norwich phrase 'A luud of ol' tosh'

Swaaafum - Swaffham

Thang Kyer - Spoken at high speed, used by Norfolk shop assistants when accepting money

Thas a bit on the huh - That's a bit wonky/uneven

Thas a rum'un - Not quite up to scratch

The P.O.W. - The 'Chav' abbreviation for Prince of Wales 'Ruud'. Or where the Loocal Constabry (Constabulary) frequent on a Friday/Saturday noight.

The social - Despite many previous name-changes (as with Curls q.v.) 'JobCentre+' is still known as 'the social' in Naaridge

Traaacta - a farming vehicle

Tripe writer - type-writer

Troos - Suburb on the southside of Naaridge

U dunt hatter do ut! - You haven't got to do it.

Uh day - to day

Uhnt-it - "Isn't it?" (see innit)

Varmun - A naughty person, generally young. e.g. 'Gerron outta hair you young varmun'

Wah e say – What did he say?

Well i coatasee – Goodness me

Where u gorn? - Where are you going?

Windum - Small town south of Naaridge (Sensible abbreviation of it’s proper name : Whymundimundimundium)

Woont - Wouldn't

Wossamaa'er/Wossrong/Wossup Is there a problem?

Wotchamacaulut – Thingumajig

Wot choo mardlin' on 'bout? - What are you talking about?

Wot choo up ter uh day - What are you doing today?

Wotja – Hello

Yow siller owld fule - Comment made to someone displaying “backward” tendancies

Yuull git rongg! - You will get into trouble/told-off!

[edit] Exports

Main exports from Norwich are:

Colmans mustard

Alan Partridge

Stephen Fry

Jobs - See: 'Naaridge Yoonyun'

uPVC double glazing - Praise the Lord!

Anybody found to be from Ipswich or King's Lynn

Trisha Goddard (Please!)

Sale of the Century (It's the quiz of the week!)

Miss Rosalyn (Takes you back?)... Ah! yes...Raaampa Ruum

Canaries...Flown all over the world and sold in street markets across Europe. This is what football players do once they retire

Darren Huckerby

[edit] Sport

Norwich is infamously known for its embarrassing football team, Norwich City. Not only do the people pride themselves on their similarity to budgies but they also delight in supporting a football team that has won absolutely shit all in its history. The rugby team is no better, made up as it is of frustrated farmers, who cannot get any anal sex. Thus, they run around grabbing the opposition's testicles to get their kicks, much to the delight of Norfolk folk who seem to specialise in finding the right hole.

[edit] Famous People from Norwich

Conjoined twins - Jeremy and Chris Clarkson-Moyles (joined at the mouth).

Fellatio Niellson - one armed singer songwriter.

Myleene Klaas -

Beth Orton - Joe Orton's brother.

Cathy Dennis (not famous for writing many hits including "Can't Get You Outta My Head" sung by Kylie Minogue)

That gay bloke Craig from Big Brother (from Sheranum but it's quite close and we're a bit desperate for celebs)

The one and only Delia Smith of course! Can cook an egg and even more of a Milf than Nigella.

Justine Collins - Fun-lover extraordinaire and sexy beast. Part of Club Leap Frog, Norwich.

Stephen Fry - Higher IQ than the total IQ of the rest of the population of Norwich.

Hannah from S Club 7, y'know, the one with short blonde hair that's now in that dinosaur show on ITV.

Robert Green, who is nearly never the England goal-keeper.

Jaq D Hawkins, that mad woman who wrote the crappy goblin book & got slung out of Dragon's Den

Rowdy Ricky Knight & Sweet Saraya aka the Knight Dynasty, family of pikey wrestlers who seem to have a permanent slot on Tricia & other chav TV shows.

[edit] Locally-Famous People

Though the fine city of Norwich is not blessed with many of those forms of entertainment popular in most 21st century connurbations, residents are constantly amused by the local eccentrics, known in the area as fengibbons or, more commonly, super-heroes. These are some of the best-loved:

CLUTCH THE CLOWN Special skill: Turning heads with his ridiculous makeup designs and stupid coloured trousers. - Enjoys getting into fights with Scene kids. Also hates that vegan Emo group that sticks those 'Meat is Murder' posters up.
ADAM BARRY Special Skill: Failing at getting a reputation as a badboy around norwich. He also stamps on people, attacks myspace with bullitens and attempts (with pathetic results) to hardcore dance. Barry's name is frequently whispered throughout Norwich's red light district and glamourous transexual night clubs. Good one.
PUPPET MAN (now known as Karaoke Guy) Special skill: Hypno Puppets that stun and mesmerise passers-by with their inane jumping up and down to Des O'Connor CDs. One puppet seems to be given the unpleasent task of occasional crotch and arse scratching as well as possible hat, glasses and wig adjustment. He is actually a multi-millionaire, having left his successful career as a merchant banker to "give something back to the people". More details on him can be found at this website
FLUTE MAN Special skill: Plays a flute at ranges far beyond those of the human ear - unfortunately, the ones that are within the range of the human ear are vastly out of tune.
BAG LADY Special skill: Knockout BO. Has a huge array of technical gadgetry hidden away in her shopping trolley full of various, mysterious bags. Often found lurking in Tombland, particularly the bench outside ZiZi's (pka Pizza One, Pancakes Too)
TROLLEY MAN Often seen around the area of Magdelan Street and Anglia 'Chav Central' Square, he can be easily spotted by his Tesco trolley full of rubbish and stuff that even charity shops have thrown out. Legs are always bandaged up, with puss oozing out through them onto the pavement, leaving a snail like trail wherever he goes. Possible relation to Bag Woman (see above).
MARIGOLD Special skill: Traffic Direction. Although sadly no longer in evidence, MARIGOLD was one of Norwich's true Super Heroes, equipped with supermarket shopping trolley, fluorescent jacket or vest and bright yellow marigold gloves, and many layers of clothing. You would find him, in times of National Emergency, defending the City by standing on a traffic island directing the traffic. Unfortunately, quite a few people actually took notice of what he was telling them to do resulting in the building of Norwich Union Insurance Department. Unfortunately, no longer with us after one particular bus driver failed to take notice of him.
THE INCREDIBLE MARKET TWINS Special skill: Flower Selling. Although conceived during a radioactive storm and genetically altered to look identical, this dynamic duo is far from it. Dressed in their costumes, Green & Yellow for one, Blue & White for another, these colourful fengibbons are anything but identical. The terrible twins still live in the YMCA, even though they are well past their sell by dates.
RADIO MAN This remarkable chap loves his sport so much he's a wannabee commentator, also known to be a bit of a Karaoke king, using not a microphone but an old 1970's transistor radio glued to one ear, you've gotta love this guy, who provides entertainment when waiting for a bus outside the central big 'D' department store. His newest hangout is the fire escape doorways leading to premier nightspot Lava down at Riverside. Lucky punters in the queue are often treated to a dance show and are invited to kick him in afterwards. Also known as "simple Simon".
DANCING BIG ISSUE SALESMAN This remarkable charmer lures the average passer-by to waste £1.50 of their easy earned cash on his magazines by erotically playing the tambourine in their ear. If you do not part with your £1.50, you can then enjoy an encore of eff'n and blind'n as you walk towards the Belgian Monk.
THE CARPET MEN This lovely bunch of flute playing men wearing carpets seems to have morphed across the many cities of Great Britain, however Norwich is where they first began life as superheroes. Their fantastic musical ability wows the crowds of shoppers. However, no matter how much you like their music, once you have purchased their CD and put it on at home it sounds nothing close to the real thing and you are forced to take it to a charity shop.
CAR SHOUTING MAN aka JESUS A delightful fellow who can be spotted along St.Benedict's Street, but sometimes migrates to St. Stephen's roundabout (near Iceland), where he can be seen shouting at the cars circling. Also spotted sleeping in yellow skips. He may also be recognised by his tasteful combination of socks and flip-flops worn throughout the year!
THE DRUNKEN COLOURED GENTLEMAN aka SIMBA Special skill: Walking around Norwich market balancing his drink on his head. - That's it - nothing further to add except that he has been gone now for many a year and the centre of Norwich has become a poorer place without him.
PIKEY WOMAN aka LIZZY Special skill: Being able to squeeze into impossibly small doorways whilst ensconced in a filthy romper suit/sleeping bag combination. This lady recently had her Nike TNs stolen whilst she was totally wasted on the proceeds of her mornings work.Able to chill the blood while shrieking in a shrill Scottish voice "Can you spare any change please?"
THE NORWICH GIMP Usually seen to be pacing the streets of southern Norwich, Bury St, Unthank Road & Chapelfield areas, wearing a felt gimp mask, long red cloak & platform boots. Possibly a serial killer
ASA BEVIS The pikey son of the pikey wrestlers Sweet Saraya & Rowdy Ricky Knight, usually found in the Romany off his tits on crack doing wookie impersonations
THE PRINCE OF WALES PIKIES Norwich's only team of superheroes, usually found around the pay toilet at the bottom of Prince of Wales Road, often asleep on the cyclepath. Powered by liberal applications of Diamond White & cheap fags, they keep the cycle path free of cyclists by chasing them away at super speed.

[edit] Carra Ruud

The ground originated as a Nest made up of loose twigs and bark chippings. Since then it has grown into one of the funniest stadia in the European Union. Sitting alongside Morrisons and the Narridge to Yaarmuth dyke Carrot Ruud has undergone many changes. The most recent has been the renovation of the thatch on the roof of the Barclay stand - using Naarfuk reed (from Hum Base, Aisle 17 (Made in China)). Opposite is a branch of the Narridge & Pete-a-brugh Building Society - which is quite handy.

Locals turn up to watch a pile of shit every other Saturday and then go home. There are no parking facilities around the ground as none of the locals are allowed to drive but those who do anyway can't fit their tractors in a space.

Carra Ruud is twinned with Portaloo Ruud, in Ipswich, previously home to many Eastern European ladies. At weekends whole flocks of football fans are not found there, but in the local Liquid Nightclub stabbing each other with pitch forks.

Legend has it that the pitch commentator is actually The Stig, the mysterious racing car driver seen on Top Gear.