Not in America's best interests

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Not in America's best interests refers to anything that stands to benefit the entire world as a whole for generations and generations to come. Such items usually offer the promise of reversing hundreds of years of harmful practices and human neglect, but are nevertheless forsaken in return for immediate gratification in the form of massive corporate profits for American businesses and inexpensive gasoline. Although this worldview may seem counterintuitive, scientists have run models that show that the only way America will be able to truly rule the world and create an Orwellian society is if they spend as much time as possible beating on other countries.

This is easily proven, by the following means:

[edit] The Following Means

A simple garden snail.

It is a well known fact that, within any system, there is a limited amount of energy available. This level of energy remains constant unless energy is added to, or removed from, the system, or of course the system huffs some kittens, in which case the amount of energy gets reset to "FORD, YOU'RE TURNING INTO A PENGUIN! STOP IT!". This is true for any system, be it the universe, a family, or even a simple garden snail.

(How could the universe huff a kitten? Scientists aren't sure, but many are of the opinion that the universe we currently live in is post-huffing.)

So if there's only a limited amount of energy, it follows that whoever hogs all the energy is going to end up on top. And that means spending as much time as possible beating on other countries.

Some items that are not in America's best interests include: