Nottingham
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“Nottingham - Shottingham to be precise”~ My Media Studies teacher on Nottingham
“A strong smell of rotting ham, can be found in Nottingham”
~ Miss Piggy on Nottingham
Nottingham Shootingham or more commonly known as Nottingun is a small and picturesque village in The People's Republic of the East Midlands, which can be located on the outskirts of London, France. (Or on the village map, available at the local village green Post Orifice, most Tuesdays from 10.00am.) It is enemies with Derby, though not many people say this.
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[edit] The town
Nestled languidly in a former colliery just north of South, the charming high-class resort plays host to some of the most dramatic scenery to be found anywhere south of North. Recent changes in local government policy have had a dramatic effect on the city's population. Generations of deprivation, poor educational achievement, low expectations, poor healthcare, guncrime, poverty, injustice, decades of underfunding, urban decay, social eugenics, bad planning and sheer bloody stupidity within the City's council of Warlocks have all been righted throughout Nottinghamshite, with the introduction of PR men to ensure any bad publicity is removed or challenged post haste. Costing almost half a million pounds PA, these public propaganda machines are still cheaper than actually fixing the problems faced by Europe's biggest Utopia, and a pittance when compared to the 'costs' of certain local councillors.
Within the core of Nottingham's world-famous row-of-paving-slabs exists a low mass Black Hole, into which the money of the city's taxpayers constantly streams, utilising the rails of the costly Tramp-line as conduits through which the money effectively feeds the black hole. This produces some other serious and undesirable effects within the locality, which are detailed in part below. (Certain details are just too chilling to be printed in a family publication.)
[edit] Robin Hood
Robin Hood (sometimes spelled Robbin' Hoody in earlier texts) was in his time a world champion Pork Pie eater and is a fabled former resident of the quaint Nottingham suburb of Bulwell where many of the most wonderful Nottingham citizens reside or have previously existed. In reality he was from Wakefield in Yorkshire and also Ashby in Leicestershire. The theory grows that different parts of him were born in separate parts of Ye Olde England. He never once went to Nottingham, as they had invented guns there. He wasn't daft! Unfortunately, as it turns out, Robin was a simple street mugger, and he always kept the booty to himself, often muttering the phrase, whilst twitching his head, "fuck the prolls, it's all mine". Unfortunately, he was one of the prolls himself, and generally speaking robbed his own, which is widely acknowledged as being similar to pissing on your own foot. Jackass Ltd originates from the vicinity of this village. Jane can be found at new portland fish bar giving it for a reasonable price.
[edit] The Nottingham Black Hole
The Nottingham Black Hole makes its presence felt mostly on Thursday, Friday and Saturday evenings, where its powerful gravitational forces suck in large numbers of ape like humans, intent of getting very drunk whilst dressing in entirely inappropriate clothing (especially the Obese Pineapple Heads) whilst listening to Crap Music. On these special evenings, the local Public Houses and Nightclubs become engorged, completely filling up with such creatures from the surrounding areas.
[edit] Modern Day Nottingham
Nottingham is a wonderful city, which attracts a lot of attention from a lot of different people:
- Muggers
- Rapists
- Gangsters
- Chavs who wish they were gangsters
- Drug Dealers
- Labour supporters
- Prostitues and "pimps"
- The Sheriff of Nottingham
- Twatty students from minor English private schools.
- Web-footed football fans from the Championship underbelly.
- Demons that crawled out of the black hole, aka Goths.
Are some of those people.
Nottingham has a bright future in Gun-Crime and soon to be host of an upcoming television programme, "Gun Crime: LIVE!" (Coming to Channel 5 in the near future).
[edit] The Notts Anthem
Nottingham has recently become the first small-blackhole-centred township to have its own anthem. Recorded by Nottingham's most friendly and well shaven chavs, The Game Cartel, who just so happen to be a bunch of cunts. Roughly the Notts Anthem Goes:
“The city of Notts, Notts, Notts. The city of Glocks, Glocks, Glocks. Every night i hear Gun shots, shots, shots,; But thats what its like when your living in Notts.”
~ Game Cartel on Nottingham
Also included in this recording are references to bandanas, waists, mice, bowls of rice (Apparently he eats them on sundays twice, because he's crazy.) and head lice. This song is considered by many to be to be the most accurate description of Nottingham ever committed to song because, as one fine citizen once said:"In all those damn musicals Robin Hood is either american, french, a fox, or any combination of the three."
[edit] Other Nottingham songs
One of the most famous pieces of music in the world, "Oh, Nottingham!" was composed and perfected in the City's Meadow Lane Stadium. The song's timeless lyrics are usually screamed obscenely at random passers-by, particularly along the banks of the River Trent and in the 'Black & White' areas of town. It is mandatory to know every word to the song, particularly if you associate with arse-shagging F-worders : it is expected that one should scream the following into their donkey loving face at the top of your lungs at least once every minute you share their company: NOTE: The song should be sung in a "call and response" style, with any available gobshite leading and the crowd echoing their words.
Oh, Nottingham!(oh Nottingham!) Is full of fun!(is full of fun!) Oh, Nottingham is full of fun! It's full of Tits, Fa-nny and the Forest Oh, Nottingham is full of fun!
The vocals are sometimes garnished with an optional cry of "you Pies!" at the end or HAAA!! (aimed at all tree bothering foes across the river), to add effect
There is also a more modern song which reflects the current doom and gloom of the city of Snot.
We all used to work down the pit But now we can't afford our rent So let's shut down the lump of shit That sits beside the River Trent
Reflecting the terrible gun crime in the city. To the tune of "When the Saint come marching in".
Oh Nottingham Oh Nottingham Is full of guns Is full of guns Oh Nottingham is full of guns Its full of gangs, bullets and bodies Oh Nottingham is full of guns
[edit] Culture/Hot-Spots
There are many places to visit in Nottingham, but travellers should be aware of a few 'hot spot' areas and possible problems related to these areas:
- Hockley- Problems include, being assaulted by Emo's, Goths and drug addicts.
- St. Ann's - Problems include, being shot, being bricked, being assaulted and, most likely, then being shot again.
- Mapperley Top - Otherwise known as MT (MT Crew / MT's / The M to the T.....etc) Best avoided at all costs, unless you live there/want to visit a frequent haunt of Jackass/are Jackass. This is the highest place between there and the Alps. It is also, confusingly, partly in Nottingham and partly outside of it. Be warned that Jackass do not often venture into the Nottingham part, primarily because it is not the location of the Plains Fish Bar or the Blue Bell.
- Carlton Square - Has a Bargain Booze who ignore all predudices (mainly age).
- Nottingham City Centre (By night) - Problems include, getting drunk, having someone a nice helping of Rohypnol into your beverage, being shot, being mugged, being chased by people, being arrested for nothing (see **), being raped and, most likely, being shot. Another common problem faced by people (and tourists alike) when out on the town in Nottingham is the famous "I'm not druggie!"-man, this fellow is old crumbie tramp who proclaims that he is in fact NOT a drug addict, and he proves this by lifting his sleeves 4 inches up for half of a second. He demands money and trys to flog you a "Bigger Shoe" while he's at it....."When in Rome do as the Romans do..." hit im in the face.
- Clifton - The largest council estate in Europe, Clifton has now been perfected after initial teething troubles led to mass murders. It now has signs up near the shops proclaiming how great it is to be a Nottinghamian, which obviously eradicated all previous problems outright. Just don't fucking go there, or the K.K.K will have your wheel trims, right?
- Also watch out for the notable town centre rambler "Wycliff" who offers to sing you a song for money. Rumour has it he went out with Danni Minogue and got far too much crack off her. He clearly has smoked too much crack but has a lovely voice. Ask him to sing you a song about crack and Danni, its one of his best.
- Another familiar face in Nottingham, is Ozzy the tramp with the Australian accent. He is a well travelled man, and is always asking for money to fund a fictional train ride to London, his bus trip to Derby, or his flight to Ukraine.
- The oldest Tramp in Nottingham is Arnot Hill-Park. He is 102 (As of Jan 2007). He used to be a Captain of a Barge that trawled the Alimentary Canal (it starts at Nottingham and ends at Derby) but has been a vagrant since 1959. He loves Nottingham Forest and the BBC. He can read the future and is a regular behind the left lion outside of the Council House.
- Look out for the amusing 'Screaming Old Black Man' who likes to unpredictably stop, scream and stamp his feet.
- Look out for the insane ex-American boxer who likes to stand near bus stops and shout abuse at fellow black citizens who apparently arent 'real niggars'
** - Being arrested for 'nothing at all' is common in Nottingham, since its inception as the United Kingdom's first Police-State-City. Although most Nottinghamians proclaim that "They didn't do it!"/"I didn't shoot no fucker!"/"I 'a'nt even done nuffin'!"/" as they're carried into a riot van to be arrested and kicked shitless, no-one from outside of Notts can understand a fucking word the illiterate morons utter.
Figures do show a drop in arrests for offences such as "fuck all", "Nothing" and "Any and All Other Criminal Acts", but at least the paving slabs you die on will be new.
[edit] Schools
- Djanogly - Average
- BlueCoat - Definiton of 'shithole'
- GreenWood Dale - wank
[edit] Notable Residents
- Joe the one armed guitarist
- The xylophone man - who will be dearly missed but now has a plaque outside H&M
- The mysterious saxophone player who used to own a room where he could fry eggs in bed! :D
- Daniel (The Polish Man) Stolarski
- Some fat bloke Tory MP
- 2 Can Clag
- Chuck Norris
- Crazy Old Dennis from Calvo
- Monobrow Teza - has now been deported to iran
- M2 - the new mono kid from Afghanistan
- Jackass
