Nova Scotia

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search

“These dumb bastards just keep on drinking, I think I'm gonna be rich!”

~ Alexander Keith on Nova Scotia

“Where's that?”

~ Oscar Wilde
It's cold, eh?

Nova Scotia is the only Canadian province to be named after another place, just with the word, "New" before it. As were their ancestors, modern day Nova Scotians are known for their lack of originality and their ability to perform dangerous work for minimal pay. Currently, currency is worth less in Nova Scotia, and is usually at one-tenth its original value. Most jobs pay in dimes, with the explanation being that the ship, the Bluenose, keeps the population in check. The infamous Bluenose was a vessel that sadly sank during Alexander Keith's infamous assault on Ottawa, and is a symbol of anguish and despair, two things every maritimer is familiar with.


Contents

[edit] The History of Nova Scotia

The native tribe of Nova Scotia is known as the Mic Mac, and the countless years of their hard work and in depth culture have been honored by the immigrant settlers by erecting a mall in their honor. True to English tradition, the mall contains nothing of the original people, instead the name was deemed to be enough.

In the early 1600s, English settlers landed in the Bay of Fundy, where they built a fortress. Several years later, they succeeded in practically exterminating the native people. The French tried to get in on the action, but as always, were locked up in slave boats by the British, and sent to Louisiana. Typical.

After several uneventful decades, Nova Scotia became an economic powerhouse for Canada. Using it's infinite stores of cod, the people of Nova Scotia not only fueled the Canadian economy with their succelent fish, but also their homes. In Nova Scotia, and now many parts of the world, it is traditional to mix fish with firewood and use this duel combo for heat. Unfortunately, the age old tradition was forever skewed by the culinary world when they started using the wood to merely cook the fish, then eat it. This can be seen still today with such foods as cedar smoked salmon.

As the fish market declined, a man by the name of Alexander Keith came up with a novel idea. His plan was simple; make beer, sell beer, drink beer. His draughts soon became popular worldwide, and have succeeded in stupefying the people of Nova Scotia even more then is natural.

After Keith's brewery started bringing in money to the Nova Scotian economy, a first, Cape Breton succeeded from the mainland. Thousands of Scottish extremists dug a trench between the territory of Cape Breton and Mainland Nova Scotia, which successfully resulted in making Cape Breton an island. Even though this gap is several feet long, the people of Cape Breton refuse to interact with their mainland brethren. Cape Breton has gone as far as recruiting its own miltia, which often attacks the people of Nova Scotia with its slander of the English language. The island is unique in it's religious views and social views, and is considered the black sheep of the province.

The past decade has seen much change in the economy of Nova Scotia. To curb inflation in the late 1990's, the currency was pegged to an Oxycontin standard. This proved to be very popular among Nova Scotians, with many investing their retirement funds in Oxycontin. With the decline of the fishery, the focus on the economy has moved towards oil and gas. Offshore oil is shipped to the refinery outside of Dartmouth, where it is refined into hash oil & sold for $20/vile. Natural gas was found off of Sable Island, but is shipped to Boston as nobody in Nova Scotia has figured out how to get high off of it.

Since the 1800s, nothing much has been done in Nova Scotia, as can be seen by the constant bickering of many Nova Scotian heritage societies. One thing is certain, while the rest of the world may, Nova Scotia will Never change.

[edit] Cape Breton and Nova Scotia: A rocky relationship, literally

Nova Scotian naval vessel schoolin' Glace Bay
Nova Scotian naval vessel schoolin' Glace Bay

Nova Scotia is Canada's hotbed of ethno-religious violence, due to the never ending struggle between the mainland and the breakaway fundamentalist of Cape Breton Island. Ehtheist-fascist Nova Scotia has waged war with the Arcist-communist island many times in history, with the most recent case resulting in an uneasy truce that has left the populations of both territories on edge. The military might of the mainland is countered by the expert guerrilla tactics used by the Cape Breton Militia a.k.a. as the Cape Breton Liberian army, and their unwavering devotion to The Barra McNeils and unemployment. The leader of the of the Cape Breton Militia whose name General John Cabot Trail and has known to send messages through the CBC whose comments ended with "Down with the causeway".

In 2004, Cape Breton extremist unleashed a hoard of "Nair Beasts," a docile creature which is the source of donair meat, on the unsuspecting citizens of the Mainland. These beasts were following their traditional migratory route in Cape Breton, when a terrorist group known as The Rankin Family attacked them, frightening the beasts over the causeway. The Nair Beasts invaded communities like Antigonish where they began to feed upon near by blueberry fields. This did not sit well with the towns folk of Antigonish. A Michael Murphy attempted to scare the beasts but was taken as wife of one of the Nair beasts. After this incident, dubbed as the Michael Murphy Incident, the people of Mainland Nova Scotia banded together to fight the beasts, and met the hoard in the city of Tatamagouche. A massive battle underwent, which resulted in the defeat of the Mainlanders, which, in retrospect, is surprising as Nair Beasts do not exhibit any aggressive tendencies. However, several mainland extremists performed suicide bombing attacks against the creatures in retaliation for the battle's outcome. The explosions caused by the extremists scared the lead Nair beast to a shift route by a few degrees causing the beasts to end up recrossing Canso Causeway back into Cape Breton.

In short, Cape Breton and the Mainland don't talk.

[edit] Demographics

[edit] Population

Nova Scotia is the most populated province in Canadia with an estimated 1,000,000 residents as of October 1, 2005. Roughly 18.278577 % of the population lives in Cape Breton,and 10.999% in Alberta ,though census data has not been available since 1862.

[edit] Employment

All citizens are conscripted into the provincial fishing fleet at the age of 4 where they remain until death. Exceptions are made for those from landlocked communities, where their options include making tires, growing marijuana, or making hash oil from the tires and marijuana. Those who choose not to be in the fish or drug industries are forced to join the Canadian Forces and be bombed by their American Allies, or be sent into battle in front of the western Canadian forces as mine clearers. In short, they work for nothing.

[edit] Education

Nova Scotia has a highly advanced education system. Generally children begin school upon entering the fishing fleet, during the off season when they can draw pogey. Education continues until children become old enough to "get your lazy arse out of my house and get a God damn job". Courses taught in Nova Scotia schools include subjects such as:

  • Dianetics
  • Stealing copper
  • Brewing bottle tokes
  • Moving to Alberta
  • Scrapping at the 'Dome

[edit] Per Capita Income

In 2004, per capita income was 10,530 bluenoses, or dimes. Nova Scotians pay an income tax of 80%, to fund the bureaucracy's increasingly prevalent addiction to Kitten Huffing and the ongoing war with the Breton insurgency.

[edit] Principal Exports

  • Fish
  • Hash oil

[edit] Principal Imports

  • Everything else.

[edit] Diet

A provincial diet was enacted in 2003 by Nova Scotia's former king, Dr. John Hamm. All Nova Scotians are fed bi-weekly from a communal trough which runs throughout the entire province. While the exact composition of whats in the trough is a highly classified secret, leading scientists believe it has been engineered out of a combination of chicken fingers, fish heads, and Schooner beer. Nova Scotia had a vast stockpile of donair meat which was traded to New Brunswick for a '96 Pontiac Sunfire.

[edit] Transportation

Nova Scotia's main mode of transport is the provincial fishing fleet. It consists of a wide variety of vessels including canoes, pool noodles, 12' aluminum boats, and unreliable British attack subs. Nova Scotia recently acquired its first car, a 1996 Sunfire, but cannot drive it as it failed safety inspection. This vehicle is expected to compliment Nova Scotia's only other form of wheeled transport, a Honda Big Red three-wheeler stolen from PEI. A road is expected by 2020.

[edit] Famous Nova Scotians

[edit] See Also

v • d • e
'♣ Canada, eh? ♣
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Nova_Scotia"
Personal tools
In other languages
projects
Stillwaterschronarion.org