Nun accelerator
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After years and years and years of Del Monte Pineapple Chunks, and moments of gorgeous research, British scientists - in co-operation with www.CrashTestNuns.edu, a gringo and the ghost of Christmas past - have finished the worlds first semi-operational, not unfully functional, slightly aroused Nun Accelerator, allowing nuns to travel at speeds in excess of, but not more than, "Harrison Ford" miles an hour; which, in dog years, is exactly the speed of light.
[edit] The Breakthrough
This breakthrough was made last Sunday morning at around lunch time July 20th of August. A fresh shipment of test nuns was delivered, and after an enjoyable evening of darts, a cider drinking experiment, a pizza and a bong, the tests began in earnest.
The renowned peach-scented scientist, Dr. Alfred D'Minge, published the following statement outlying, in no detail, the processes involved in propelling nuns to such awesome bible-delivering speeds:
| The ability to 'Nunapult' at close to the speed of light has been the dream of every physics-priest since the dawn of cheese and onion crisps; some say beef, but it was definitely cheese and onion. My brother, Dr. Bushfire D'Minge, made the first breakthrough whilst experimenting with faith calculus after a rather epic win in the inter-species bean flicking competition in 1237; which, coincidently, was also a Thursday. And as many of you know, Thursday holds many magical properties since the invention of the locomobile. It is that one fact that leads me to believe it was the moisturised hand of fate that chose me to complete his work, and make it the success it is truly destined to become. |
| First, 3.14 test nuns begin running around the particle accelerator whilst individual atoms of brown sauce are introduced creating a fabled brown hole (or interspatial sphincter). This is quickly followed by freshly squeezed guano, invoking the 'Stephen Hawking Effect'. At this point we achieve light speed. Directional co-ordinates are then entered into the ship's computer, forming a stable wormhole and the nun is then launched safely through the sphincter to our desired destination. We hope this helps in the Church of England's ambition to spread the holy word at frightening speeds. And who knows, perhaps faster than Moses himself. |
[edit] The Good News
If the tests continue to work successfully, the technology could be applied to choirboys, vicars and maybe even some day the The Pope. It has been speculated upon that Vatican X - the Vatican’s high-tech military unit - has shown massive amounts of moist interest in the possibility of applying the Nun Accelerator technology in their upcoming "Pope Gun", according to Vatican spokesperson God Smith. This biblical gun would be capable of sending future popes into space for next to nothing, enabling him/her/it to spread the 'word' to distant galaxies.
Cathedrals, churches and brothels everywhere are quivering at the knees at the thought that they may be able to travel at speeds close to and beyond that of light.
| Its unbelievably exciting and the dream of every choirboy, to be accelerated without death or socks to the speed of light. Good times! |
| Well, me and my sisters have been frothing at the holy alter at the thought that some day soon we may be finally able to spread the stories in the 'good book' in the way the Lord intended |
[edit] The Bad News
But, with all this exciting news comes opposition in the form of a feminist group calling themselves "The Poodles of the Apocalypse". Their leader, Darth Poodle, has said to be threatening to switch his unholy microwave of doom on at full power with nothing in it!. International UN representatives have urged him not to go ahead, and are said to be organising a peace-keeping squad, called "Super Power Feminine Itching Bitchy Force Go". The team will be comprised of Mr T (fool), Ricky Gervais (not funny), Benny Hill's ghost (Conservative) and Super Gran (dead).
Stay tuned for more information on this fascinating pile of crap. I'll be keeping you up-to-date as the developments are made public.
Thank you. I have beem Jim D'Quim of The Poo Scientist Monthly.
