Nursery Rhymes
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“And the nurse will tell you lies...”
“Nursery Rhymes are stories made up by adults to make them feel better about the world. Kid, if you want a real story, go to Vegas”
Nursery Rhymes are raps that have been composed by various rappers and composed into a single library by none other than the famed Mother Goose. They all deal with the consumption of pot. The "Nursery" refers the camo plantation needed to grow dope. Even though these rhymes are sung to children on a regular basis, most people are unaware that these nursery rhymes carry some very interesting, often questionable, origins and moral lessons.
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[edit] Georgie Porgie
[edit] Lyrics
- Georgie Porgie, puddin' and pie,
- Kissed the girls and made them high.
- When the boys came out to play,
- He kissed them too cause he was gay.
[edit] Origins
Georgie Porgie is a pretty risque song to sing to children, but it was based on a real character. Georgie Porgie was a a peadophile who whould touch girls and make them cry. When the "boys" came along . . . you can guess the rest.
Then, several years later, Georgie Porgie came out of the forest to kiss more little girls but then was later arrested for sexual harassment and is doing time in a 20 year sentence.
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Do not kiss girls who are younger than you. This may result in imprisonment.
[edit] Hey Diddle Diddle
[edit] Lyrics
- Hey, diddle, diddle,
- The cat and the fiddle,
- The cow jumped over the moon.
- The little dog laughed
- To see such sport,
- And the dish ran away with the spoon.
[edit] Origins
The origins to Hey Diddle Diddle began in a college fraternity, where a lot of drug abuse and heavy drinking were involved. Details about the night of the poem are sketchy, but one college student with a serious hangover found this rhyme scribbled on a piece of paper the next day, along with another popular tune of the same calibur:
- MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
- All the sweet, green icing flowing down
- Someone left the cake out in the rain
- I don't think that I can take it
- 'Cause it took so long to bake it
- And I'll never have that recipe again
- Oh, no!
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Don't do drugs. You'll just come up with stupid songs.
- Then again, you might make a lot of money.
[edit] Humpty Dumpty
[edit] Lyrics
- Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
- Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
- All the king's horses and all the king's men
- Couldn't put Humpty dumpty together again!
There is also an alternative lyric selection:
- Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
- Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
- All the king's horses and all the king's men
- Said,Its scrambled eggs again!
[edit] Origins
Humpty Dumpty is one of the most ambiguous nursery rhymes ever penned. This rhyme raises many puzzling questions, such as:
- What was Humpty Dumpty?
- Why was Humpty Dumpty sitting on a wall?
- How did Humpty Dumpty fall?
- What king?
- Was Humpty Dumpty insured?
- Did Humpty Dumpty's family sue the wall owner for incompetence?
Literary historians have tried for several years to decipher the meaning behind this rhyme, but they do believe that a suitable explanation has been developed:
- Humpty Dumpty was a very expensive brand of liquor during 17th century England. At one time, several kegs of Humpty Dumpty had been left on top of a wall that surrounded a prominent English military camp. As a clumsy soldier climbed to the top of the wall to grab a keg of liquor, he accidentally knocked all of the kegs to the ground below, where they exploded into small streams of Humpty Dumpty. King Æiou XXMCXXVI was alerted of the incident, and ordered the infantry to collect all of the expensive Humpty Dumpty that they could muster, but in the excitement of the moment, the military drank all of the Humpty Dumpty and were able to recover none of it. The kegs of Humpty Dumpty were never put back together again. The clumsy soldier was beheaded.
- This explanation is subject to change without notice.
In an attempt to make the nursery rhyme more child-friendly, Humpty Dumpty has been changed from a keg of liquor to an egg in many publications. Uninformed children are entertained by this short rhyme, but more mature children will probably realize that an entire royal army wouldn't raise such a fuss over a stupid little egg, especially considering the risk of foodbourne illness.
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Don't leave your liquor on a wall.
- Don't send the clumsy person to the wall to get your liquor.
- Don't trust the military to collect your spilled liquor.
- Eggs can carry foodborne illness.
- dont hump things cuz then ull just be called humpdy dumpdy
- Don't get high on smack and use the computer
- Don't "crack" onto things
- Don't edit humpty
- Don't believe this website
[edit] Jack and Jill
[edit] Lyrics
- Jack and Jill
- Went up the hill
- To fetch a pail of water.
- Jack fell down
- And broke his crown
- And Jill came tumbling after.
- Up Jack got
- And home did trot
- As fast as he could caper
- Went to bed
- And plastered his head
- With vinegar and brown paper.
[edit] Origins
Jack and Jill is a classic tale of using home remedies. This rhyme was first developed by the Amish with a simple lesson in mind: If your children believe that the only available treatment for a skull fracture is a vinegar and brown paper patch job, then they will be more likely to wear a bicycle helmet when they ride their bikes.
In the mid-1900s, the last stanza to the rhyme was stealthily dropped by the pharmaceutical industry to boost the sales of over-the-counter pain killers. Within the next twenty-five years, most people had forgotten that the second stanza to Jack and Jill had ever existed. The pharmaceutical companies did try, unsuccessfully, to re-write the final stanza to the rhyme:
- Up Jack got
- And home did trot
- He did not stop, nor did he stall
- He ran inside
- And then applied
- Some non-prescription Tylenol
Shortly after, Advil saw this as a direct attack on their own sales of non-pescription drugs and made their own stanza which is as follows:
- Jack got up and cursed that whore
- For making him fall like never before
- He wanted something that could work, but surely not that wretched tylenol
- So he darted home quick as a bee
- Threw open a cabinet and hoped to see
- He found some quick relief Advil, popped a few* and the pain did stall
Advil was later sued for this direct slander and was forced to forfeit selling Their products in New York, Virginia, and Georgia.
Jack and Jill were also a couple of teenage parents. Several diaries and written documents during were found and have been dated to be written after Jack and Jill's accident. Although the second stanza of the document was destroyed never to be read again.
The remains of the documents is as follows.
- Jack and Jill went up the hill
- To fetch a pail of water
- We don't know what they did there
- But now they have a daughter
Other evidence suggests that it was in fact a son jack & jill had, this is shown in the following variation of the rhyme
- Jack & Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana
- Jack got high, undid his fly & said "Jill you wanna?"
- Jill said "yes" pulled up her dress & then they had some fun
- Stupid Jill forgot the pill & now they have a son
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Don't worry if you split your head open. You'll still be sane enough to run home and administer medical treatment.
- Vinegar and brown paper can heal a head wound.
- The pharmaceutical companies don't want you to know that.
- Watch your step.
- Do not trust Jill when fetching pails of water.
- Jill is a whore who sells her self on the street, and the poem failed to mention his head was split open even though he tumbled down such a short hill,because he was susceptible to small injuries because he has syphilis and is HIV positive because of his dealings with Jill. We'd like to thank Advil for remembering that little tid-bit and reminding us of the irresponsible, sexually charged Jack for not asking his partner if he would retract any sexually transmitted diseases.
- Jill was recently on VH1's behind the music as the number 1 groupie of all time, every frontman of every band throughout the 70's and 80's contributed their "time" in her sexual dealings on account of she's a, well, groupie.
- Her former partners include, and just to name a few: Stephen Tyler,14, Freddie Mercury,1, Kurt Cobain,11,Bono,31,James Hetfield,13,Mick Jagger, NA 100+, Dave Gilmour,4.
- please note**, the numbers after each partner's names were in fact, the number of times there was sexual relations between them.**also note**, that Freddie Mercury is only credited because he is a homosexual and gave her his AIDS.
- Why is there so much knowledge and ridicule of Jill?, I'll tell you, sexually active teens are a frightening statistic in the U.S., and sexually transmitted diseases are very serious issues, and the purpose of the jack and jill nursery rhyme is to ensure teens that they won't grow up any faster or have more fun if they don't wait until marriage. **Thanks again Advil**
- Make sure Jill remembers the pill
- watch out when Jack is high
[edit] Jack Be Nimble
[edit] Lyrics
- Jack, be nimble,
- Jack, be quick,
- Jack, jump over
- The candlestick.
- Jack jumped high
- Jack jumped low
- Jack jumped over
- and burned his toe.
[edit] Origins
Before Smokey the Bear became the official mascot for the United States Forest Service in 1944, the phrase, "Only you can prevent forest fires," was originally written as an ending to this four-stanza rhyme. When Smokey was recruited as the USFS mascot, the short poem was immediately dropped from the public service announcements; but the rhyme was so popular with parents that it almost immediately found its way into the expansive collection of Mother Goose.
The last two stanzas to the rhyme have been dropped from use over time. The following is the original ending to Jack Be Nimble:
- Jack was burnt
- He hit the floor
- And threw the candle
- Out the door
- And Jack bemoaned
- His childish games
- When soon the forest
- Was in flames
- Only you can prevent forest fires.
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Don't play with fire.
- If it is absolutely necessary to play with fire, don't be an idiot and try to jump over it.
- Never throw a lit candlestick into the forest.
- Only you can prevent forest fires.
[edit] Little Miss Muffet
[edit] Lyrics
- Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
- Eating her curds and whey;
- Along came a spider,
- Who sat down beside her
- And frightened Miss Muffet away.
[edit] Origins
Actually, the origins to Little Miss Muffet are as of yet unknown. One set of people claim that Little Miss Muffet must have been a poor child or an orphan, considering her lowly meal of choice. Another set of people claim that Miss Muffet could not have been an orphan, as she probably would not have been so frightened by a spider, considering her poor conditions. Yet another set of people claim that the rhyme was originally entitled Little Miss Muppet and was created as a skit for Miss Piggy on the original Muppet Show. And the final set of people just wonder why Miss Muffet didn't squash the sucker to put it out of its misery.
As to the words "tuffet," "curds," and "whey," some literary masters claim that "tuffet" is another word for ass and "curds and whey" is an old term for cottage cheese. Still other schools of thought believe that someone just made up those words to make sure that the poem rhymed.
Actually, curds and whey are created when enzymes react to powdered milk and water and create a type of really gross cottage cheese.
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Curds and whey rhyme with absolutely nothing in the poem, well, except whey and away... but that's not very creative now is it?
- Little Miss Muffett likes to have sex with boys, thats why she was nicknames "Little Miss Muff"
[edit] Lizzie Borden
[edit] Lyrics
- Lizzie Borden took an axe
- And gave her mother forty whacks.
- When she saw what she had done
- She gave her father forty-one.
[edit] Origins
This famous children's rhyme was inspired by a woman's alleged double murder of her father and stepmother. While this does not appear to be suitable for a children's rhyme (due to the fact it may put dangerous ideas into kid's heads) it has still been passed along for generations. However, a few verses have been lost along the way (mainly because they were redundant and repetitive not to mention unnecessary).
- Lizzie Borden took a nine*
- And shot her mother in the spine.
- When she saw that she was dead
- She shot her father in the head.
- Lizzie Borden took an M-16
- And shot her mother in the spleen.
- When she saw what that entailed
- She shot her father when getting the mail.
- Lizzie Borden took a lance
- And stabbed her mother in the pants.
- When she saw what she did commit
- Onto her father she dropped a brick.
- Lizzie Borden had a little LAM**
- And blew her mom up while sendin spam.
- When she saw the smoking house
- She threw another to make sure her dad didn't get out.
- Lizzie Borden took a mace
- And swung it at her mother's face.
- When she saw the chain had broke
- She made her dad and house explode.
- Lizzie Borden took some WMD's***
- And killed her mother with the greatest ease.
- When she saw that burned up whale
- She killed her dad with anthraxmail.
- Mama Borden was a slut
- So lizzie had to kick her butt
- When she finished doing that
- She lypo-sucked her father's fat
*9mm
**Lightweight Attack Munitions
***Wobbly Massage Dinkytoys
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Be nice to your kids.
- People get carried away with slander.
- Writing stupid violent rhymes can be educational.
- At a certain point, it isn't necessary to have sources support your claims. For example, although the 5th verse suggests Lizzie sent spam mail, this is most likely just a slanderous and unbased comment to make people dislike her more.
- After a while, you run out of ways to kill.
- Children's literature is creepy and macabre.
- Lypo-sucking your father is really nasty and uncalled for.
- Actually Lypo-sucking your dad is not cruel, mean, or deadly at all, it is actually quite nice if your father is very obese and needs some type of surgerey, and this misconception was not reconciled until 1989.
[edit] Mary Had a Little Lamb
[edit] Lyrics
- Mary had a little lamb,
- Its fleece was white as snow.
- Everywhere that Mary went,
- The lamb was sure to go.
- It followed her to school one day,
- Which was against the rules.
- It made the children laugh and play,
- To see a lamb at school.
[edit] Origins
The origins of this fun little tune are simple enough. Mary Had a Little Lamb simply began as a story of a show-and-tell session at an early grade school. The story was penned by the Brotherhood of Anonymous in 1870 and instantly published by Mother Goose in her then-latest book, Parents are from Mars, Children are from Nowhere: Special Illustrated Abridged 2nd Edition. But despite the instant popularity of the simple tale, the controversy that the rhyme caused is very complex.
Many parents over the years have been up in arms over the third stanza, "It followed her to school one day, which was against the rules." They argued that this rhyme promoted rebellion and disobedience in young children, especially because Mary was never punished for breaking the rules. The parents proposed a fifth and sixth stanza to the rhyme, but Mother Goose refused to publish them:
- The teacher saw the lamb that day,
- Her anger quickly swelled
- She swiftly sent the lamb away,
- And Mary was expelled
- This event made Mary mad
- She knew that she was good, not bad
- She took her father's axe that day
- And killed the teacher's pet, hooray.
Then, in 1946, a small organization was formed: Parents Against Naughty Songs (PANS). PANS filed suit against Mother Goose for demoralizing the nation's children. Mother Goose brought in the ACLU to defend her nursery rhymes, and the case of "Parents Against Naughty Songs v. Mother Goose" was taken all the way to the United States Supreme Court, before being tossed aside due to a technicality. The suit was soon forgotten, and the organization of PANS soon crumbled, much to the delight of other parents who referred to the former PANS members as POTS (Parents Other Than Sane).
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Show-and-tell is very significant.
- If you break the rules at school, you will soon have a song dedicated to your name.
- Parents will then sue the owner of said song.
- People will sue anyone for the sake of sueing them.
- POTS and PANS are clever acronyms.
- Killing the teacher's pet is a great "channeling of anger" when you're ridiculed for bringing livestock to school.
[edit] Old Mother Hubbard
[edit] Lyrics
- Old Mother Hubbard
- Went to the cupboard
- To fetch her poor dog a bone;
- But when she came there
- The cupboard was bare,
- And so the poor dog had none.
[edit] Origins
There are actually several more stanzas to this rhyme, but this is often the only stanza sung to children. Parents choose to exclude the future stanzas because they include references to smoking, death, undertakers, ghosts, and income tax collectors.
This rhyme was originally created by the administration of President Franklin Roosevelt to stress the importance of social security for the elderly. The song was used extensively in Democratic advertising campaigns until Jimmy Carter pointed out the absurdity of using a childish rhyme in a political campaign, and the song was left to Mother Goose to publish with the other nursery rhymes. Several years later, Al Gore tried to revive the song in his own Presidential campaign when he claimed, "I invented Old Mother Hubbard."
[edit] Alternate Version
- Old Mother Hubbard
- Went to the cupboard
- To fetch her poor dog a bone;
- But when she bent over
- Rover came over
- And gave her a bone of his own
This alternative version is believed to have been created by George W. Bush during one of his famous coke binges his freshman year in college. Some say that Bush wrote this to convey his long held love of beastiality.
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Old Mother Hubbard has more than one stanza.
- Elderly people need social security, or poor dogs will starve.
- Jimmy Carter doesn't like nursery rhymes.
- Al Gore didn't invent Old Mother Hubbard.
- George W. Bush is a liar AND a pervert.
[edit] Rub-a-Dub-Dub
[edit] Lyrics
- Rub-a-dub-dub
- Three men in a tub,
- And how do you think they got there?
- The butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker --
- They all jumped out of a rotten potato!
- 'Twas enough to make a fish stare.
This nursery rhyme is also the most gay.
[edit] Origins
Some things are best kept secret. Although there are references to George Michael.
- the serious answer is that it's a reference to the treatment for syphilis that endured for hundreds of years: you sat in a tub in a room as hot as a sauna and were rubbed with an ointment of mercury. Nice!
[edit] What have we learned?
- Ten guesses on the 'candlestick'.
- Don't ask, don't tell.
- This nurserey rhyme is the leading cause of homosexuality in the U.S. and U.K. on account of it is told to young children without grave caution.
- If you think this is a "cute" or "fun" rhyme to tell your child, beware the struggle for homsexual and heterosexual co-existence in your home, even though you asked for it.
- I've learnt that i like to see 3 men in a tub
- the serious answer is that it's a reference to the treatment for syphilis that endured for hundreds of years: you sat in a tub in a room as hot as a sauna and were rubbed with an ointment of mercury. Nice!
[edit] Three Blind Mice
[edit] Lyrics
- Three blind mice,
- Three blind mice,
- See how they run!
- See how they run!
- They all ran after a farmer's wife,
- Who cut off their tails with a carving knife.
- Did you ever see such a sight in your life,
- As three blind mice?
[edit] Origins
This nursery rhyme is one that is exceptionally insensitive and gory for small children to hear, which makes it all the more strange that Three Blind Mice made it into Mother Goose's nursery rhyme collection. For one thing, the song makes fun of a serious medical condition. For another thing, the rhyme talkes about chopping animals' tails off. The song is shockingly gruesome.
Perhaps the rhyme was written in the dark ages when it was customary to chop people's heads of if they sneezed in the wrong direction. But in today's sensitive, politically correct society, the song is incredibly close to being renamed, "Three Visually Impaired Mice." Political activists have compromised that they will allow the line about the carving knife to be kept in the rhyme as long as another line is added to describe the farmer's wife being thrown into prison for hate crimes.
The current version of the proposed new rhyme are as follows:
- Three rodents with defective vision
- Three rodents with defective vision
- Observe their rate of motion
- Observe their rate of motion
- The trio pursued an agriculturist's spouse
- Who severed their spinal extremeties using a common kitchen utensil
- Have you ever observed such a phenomenon in the span of your existence
- As three rodents with defective vision?
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Three Blind Mice is an insensitive song.
- "Three Visually Impaired Mice" is a more sensitive title.
- People in the dark ages administered capital punishment for sneezing in the wrong direction.
- Poltiical activists really are able compromise.
[edit] Gunpowder Plot
[edit] Lyrics
- Remember, remember the fifth of November,
- the Gunpowder Treason and plot,
- I see of no reason why Gunpowder Treason
- should ever be forgot.
[edit] Origins
Contrary to popular belief, this is not a nursery rhyme telling the story of Guy Fawkes and his attempt to destroy The Houses of Parliament. The so-called "gunpowder treason" is referring to the infamous "Wow we're really drunk we should see who can hold a firework in their mouth the longest" contest held between Bill Gates and William Shakespeare. Bill won, but it was later discovered that his firework had been emptied of gunpowder. Enraged at his treachery, Shakespeare got back the only way he knew how: by making Gates the central antagonist of a 10-hour long play. Unfortunately for him, Shakespeare had previously used a ghostwriter, and he himself was terrible at writing. As soon as the populace realized this, Shakespeare's credibility was ruined. And it is no coincidence that November 5th is the anniversary of the day Bill Gates ascended to corporate Godliness. Out of work, Shakespeare was forced, by Gates, to write the rhyme, to immortalize Gate's (illegitimate) victory over him, as he would otherwise go to debtor's prison. This led to his committing suicide.
[edit] What Have We Learned?
- Bill Gates is a cheater who never loses.
- Shakespeare was a hack who couldn't write his way out of a paper bag.
- The whole premise for V for Vendetta was based on a misconception.
