Mac OS X
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“Whoah, it's like... Art. On a computer. Freaky man. Oh God I'm high.”
~ Steve Jobs on Mac OS X
“Mac OS X can go fsck itself.”
~ Bill Gates on Mac OS X
“Why actually, it can.”
~ Steve Jobs on Mac OS X
Mac OS X (the X stands for XTREME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) is considered one of the greatest pieces of shit ever created. It is the only painting of its kind to actually interact with human users by animating with the user's movements. In fact it is so interactive that it is mistaken for an operating system. Although no one can be sure, given the intense secrecy surrounding its development, it is believed that Mac OS X was created and implemented entirely by one being, Steve Jobs.
OSX is known for its extraordinary level of prettiness and is just the operating system to get if you love amazingly useful features such as smoke blowing across your desktop when you burn a disk. Features such as this are enhanced even more by the fact that you can make the smoke 'waft' across your desktop if you blow in the microphone. Clearly, OSX has been designed from the ground up to enable the most productive and useful experience imaginable. Mac OS X can also crash your computer at eat it up when you use iEat, just like Windows Vista + Microsoft Office.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] 1960-1970
Steve Jobs, a descendant of Michelangelo, who one day, while thinking in his cardboard box outside Denny's, felt he was a shame to his family. One day while
scrimmaging through a garbage heap for food, he came across a painting kit. At that moment he just started painting feeling, "possessed by Michelangelo." Jobs then woke up one day and saw his finished piece of artwork. He was amazed by the fact that it glowed at night and that if he moved his paintbrush, a little arrow followed it. Snorting a bit of coke, Jobs named his piece Mac OS X.
Mac OS X was sent in to a venture corporation by Jobs, hoping to start his company Apple (named after the various colored and moldy apple cores he used as paint). His idea wasn't taken seriously (because no one takes homeless people seriously), but after repeated attempts Jobs finally....
...failed. So he kidnapped a white collar kind of person, killed him, and took his cloths. Jobs shaved with a keychain (took him five days) and tried for the last time. This time he was taken seriously and the Apple company was created
[edit] 1980's-1990's
At first the company was useless, it had nothing to sell, and it was close to being shutdown. That is when an employee noticed an unframed painting on the wall. He asked Jobs who made it and Jobs said he did. The employee started to kiss his ass quickly afterwards and this gave Jobs a wonderful idea. First every kiss-ass employee was fired, then Jobs showed his artwork to his technical team. They were amazed by the painting's look and user interface and the fact that they didn't need to put effort into it.
So they filmed the painting and tried to control it from a screen to no avail. Then somebody mentioned computers (this is the 80's by the way) and the team quickly worked on to create the worlds first personal computer (Microsoft was still unknown). They bought a tub of Legos, melted it, formed it into a box, and shoved a piece of glass in the front. The next step was to upload the Mac OS X into it, so they attempted to shove it. After repeated attempts they finally...
...failed, again. Someone brought up a neat-O idea, how bought mix the painting with UNIX. No one knew what that was, they thought it was a brand of chocolate. It was so they slobber the box with chocolate and attempt to shove the painting in. The person with the UNIX idea scolded the tech team and told them he meant the AT&T operating system. It was too late, the team had thrown the painting into a batch of melting UNIX chocolate bars and the plastic boxes. Steve Jobs saw this and became furious, but the batch exploded before the tech team was fired, and the iMac was born.
[edit] Today
The iMac is considered an important moment in art history and mistakenly in PC history. The original canvas, the Mac OS X, was destroyed, so in order to continue the survival of the Mac OS X, the OS is repainted in sweat shops in Taiwan and placed inside iMacs.
[edit] Features
[edit] Look
The painting is shiny due to its high level content of candy and melted toys. The blue background is said to be painted by technique known as neon lights.
[edit] Uselessness
- Like most artwork, there are no uses.
- I once uploaded porn on Mac OS X, but you can't enjoy it in an art gallery.
- I tried to change the background, but I received an error that said I couldn't do that for I was "vandalizing a great piece of artwork."
- Mac OS X is to be used as a scrapbook where cutouts of programs are pasted on.
- Widgets are to be taped on the screen.
[edit] Games
OSX has a massive variety of fun, exciting games. These include:
And the best:
[edit] Productivity Tools
- iWork
- iSleep
- iPlay
- iChat
- iFart
- iEat
- iShit
- iExtendDeadline
- iNtel (only $9999.99 with purchase of any new Mac)
- iFack
- iBalls
- iLoveRockandRoll
- iLoveRockandRoll (Britney Spears Edition)
And the award winning:
[edit] Mac OS X in iPods
One day during a conference meeting, Steve Jobs began doodling on a piece of sketch paper. This turned out to be a portable version of the Mac OS X painting. Once again, he and his staff made history in the electronics industry by sliding the small piece of paper into a plastic box. Thus, the birth of iPod.
Later, Jobs colored it and created the iPod with photos.
The iPod with video was conceived when a the tech team supervisor Joe put a portable TV behind the photo iPod. Steve Jobs painted the portable TV to mimic it's background for consumer marketing reasons.
[edit] Awards
- 3rd place Mark Keppel Elementary School Art Night
- 4th place Strippers and Art Night at Rhino's Gentlemen Club
[edit] Praise
“Nicely done!”
~ Steve Jobs's Mother on his son's artwork
[edit] See also
- Mac OS 10.5
- Mac OS Y
- Mac OS XXX
- Monica Lewinsky's Blue Dress
- Apple
- Banana
- Pear
- Perfection
- Windows Vista
Apple Product Range
| iPods: | iPod - iPod Shuffle - iPod Mini - iPod Nano - iPod Yocto - iPod Yotta - iPod Macro - iPod Invisa - iPod mono - iPod Lo-Fi - iPod floppy - iPod chair - iPod Car - iPod IV - iPod Slim - iPod Huge - iCan't Believe It's Not iPod - Deep-fried iPod |
| iDevices: | iMac - iNuke - iRon - iMath - iHamster - iRaq - iSuicide - i - iPoop - iOwa - iRak - iRan - iEyes - iBladder - iClothes - iBrows - iRack |
| iHardware: | Cheese graters - Cast Spell Key - Applesauce - MacBook - Macbook Air - Euroipods - triPod - ehPod - YouPod - IHenge - iEarth |
| iSoftware: | iTunes - iMovie - Linux (Only For Mac) - Mac OS X - Mac OS 10.5 - Mac OS Y - Mac OS Z |
| i3rd Party Mods: | iPod Nano 200gb Instructions - üPod - phonePod - Video iPod Nano U2 HD - iTrip - Hacking the iPhone |
| iGaming: | iBox360 - iTari -General Grievous - iPodore 64 - iPodendo - iBoy |
| iLlnesses: | Neuroipods |
| iFelonies: | iFraud - Afroipods |
