Babel:OW

[edit] Oscar's Chosen Article

[edit] Today's featured article

Hey, Hey! Haven't seen you in a while. What? Yes, its Jim! Jim Schuman! I was two rooms down from you at Alpocorp three years ago. Yeah, we talked that one time during the fire drill. You were going through that divorce at the time. You remember don't you? Your wife had just cheated on you with one of her fellow dolphin trainers at SeaWorld. Yeah! How did that turn out for you? ....Oh.....Really? Left you with nothing but your old '91 Civic....Right... Well, umm... Sorry about that man.....Uhh... But, hey! You're better off without her, right?.... Really? She's modeling now?.... That...sure is...uhhh....something, isn't it... (more...)

[edit] Yesterday's featured article

Many guides claim to teach beginners how to play guitar. They don't work, because they assume that people are stupid enough to read through endless pages of scales, time signatures, clefs, fingering charts, music theory and other useless rubbish. Professional teaching is also expensive, costing up to £40 a lesson ($350). These are also largely ineffective as they place undue pressure on the learner and excessive emphasis on technique and theory.

For the benefit of this guide (and some guy called Mr Kite), it is assumed that the reader does not yet know the first thing about the instrument. It is also free while stocks last, so get it while it's hot.

That said, why are you even bothering with this article? Why don't you just pick up a guitar and learn a couple of songs (badly), attempt a couple of chords (even more badly), walk around telling everyone that you can play the guitar, and quit after a month?

It's what everyone else does. (more...)

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More of Oscar's picks

[edit] Why was I born with such contemporaries?

The infamous mug shot of the Kool-Aid Man. Heh-heh, "mug" shot.

July 24: Murderous Rampage Day

• 3,000,000,000 B.C. Oxygen invented by plants. Generally seen to be a bad idea.
• 6th day: God creates man. Appalled by man’s incompetence, God begins his murderous rampage
• 30,000 BC: The first homo sapien to discover fire burns to death after stepping in his own campfire. His friends begin their murderous rampage.
• XXX: Porn stars get angry at being "used" and begin their murderous rampage.
• 1487: Citizens of Leeuwarden, Netherlands begin a murderous rampage against ban on foreign beer.
• 1847: The Mormons found Salt Lake City, Utah. They waste all their salt after five hours and begin their murderous rampage.
• 1966: The Kool-Aid Man begins his murderous rampage.
• 1970: Howard Dean screams, and begins his murderous rampage.
• 1972: Kurt Cobain screams, and begins his murderous rampage —— on himself.
• 1974: The United States Congress asks Richard Nixon to surrender White House tapes. His response? He screams and begins his murderous rampage.
• 1987: Oscar Wilde is misquoted for the first time. The world's historians scream and begin their murderous rampage.
• 1990: Benjamin Franklin is also misquoted, but nobody cares about him. His spirit screams and begins his murderous rampage.
• 1992: A dislexic man is fed up about his condition, so he tries to write a note to his psychiatrist about beginning a "merderis rahmpag".
• 1995: Howard Dean's trial stops after it is found that his "murderous rampage" was directed not at human beings, but at pillows. The jury screams and begins their murderous rampage.
• 2005: Responsible Citizen mini-game is discovered in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. Hillary Clinton screams and begins her murderous rampage.
• 2006: Y'all better watch out. My day is getting pretty fucked up as it is.
• July 24, 2006: The word murderous rampage discovers how badly it has been overused, screams, and goes on itself.
• 2020: 20/20 sues God for copyright infringement. They don't scream, but they do begin their murderous rampage.
• 21XX: The Reploid is introduced. They soon turn Maverick and begin their murderous rampage.
• 2200: The Japanese build the first giant Hello Kitty mech. It soon turns Maverick and begins its murderous rampage.
• 500,000,000,000: The sun gets angry and begins its murderous rampage, destroying the solar system.

The history of the United Kingdom

[edit] The one duty we owe to history is to rewrite it.

• A school counselor almost actually accomplishes something.

• Fresh air hits Beijing - thousands collapse (pictured)

• In a shocking development, you're currently on fire.

• An ugly child is abducted and promptly returned.

• After seven years of war on terror, America kills a terrorist

• Man, I wanted sex ed when I was in Kindergarden!

• UnNews exclusive -- Is the movie Space Chimps too dark for kids?

• Chuck Norris signs deal with AT&T to destroy other phone companies.

• Pope concerned about spherical earth.

• The Dow Jones Industrial plummets on gloomy forecasts from drug dealers.

• Pope hits out at consumer culture, prefers time when Church owned everything.

• Local band writes song critical of President Bush.

• Attractive American women are genetically proven to be clumsy and retarded.

• You Gotta be Shitting me! He fucking Lost!.

• Governments of the world declare "All You Need Is Love"; Global chaos imminent.

Today in London

[edit] It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information, so did you know...

From Uncyclopedia's playwrights:

• ...that the 1960 electoral college was so dysfunctional that it makes the 2000 electoral college look like nothing more than an attention-seeking drama queen by comparison?

Read on

[edit] Recent witticisms

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[edit] This Month's Wit

As I walked into that posh night club up in Canberra, I've noticed a strange sight. No one was dancing. They were all standing around frowning in the DJ's general direction. Why? I demanded Is no one dancing? We don't like the DJ responded one sour faced gentleman, he is a known lobbyist for corrupt politicians, with a child's mentality, who makes fun of the humanist Chinese government. Not only that, the bastard got fabulous dental on our expense, while sending restarted forms signed by his 12 year old accountant! I'm telling you, he not only irreverent, he is irrelevant. We'll never dance to his tunes again.

Yes, hello? Hi. Can I talk with The Woodburninator please? awkward silence What was that again? He went out and burned 30 thousand acres of natural forest? Oh. awkward silence. That's a bit extreme of him isn't it. What was that you say? He mumbled something about reaching a final conclusion before leaving the house with a torch and a 12 gage shot gun? I wonder what could that be listening intently to person on the other side babbling on and on Oh for sure, I'd bet he thinks that he is better than thou sir. Because you, sir, are an idiot. I hope he burns down your house as well. Good day sir.

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