Oasis

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Oasis Biographical information Homeworld Manchester, Lancashire Physical description Species Geezer Gender Male Height 5'10(before drugs) 5'3 (after) Hair color Mop top Eye color Unknown, they always wear shades Chronological and political information Era(s) 1990s, 2000s Affiliation Scouse
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“Oh great! This is my favourite Beatles track! Hey wait a minute, this isn't...”

~ The average partygoer on an Oasis song that sounds a lot like a Beatles one

“No no, it's definitely a T-Rex number...”

~ Another average partygoer on an Oasis song that sounds a lot like a T-Rex one

“Those Oasis lads can definitely 'shake along with me' all they want!”

~ Oscar Wilde, apparently a big fan of Oasis

Oasis is a Beatles tribute band and British Orchestral Tex-Mex band from Manchester, Lancashire that peaked in popularity in the mid-90's with hits such as (Who the fuck) Are Man. United?, Don't Look Back Ya W****** and I Can't Say 'Shine' But That's OK (this song is the first written by Liam Gallagher and it is about an argument he had with a phonoaudiologist). They are generally held to have invented Beatlemania. Their first album, Abbey Road took the world by storm and they followed it up with the multi-platinum selling Stop The Cocks but eventually disbanded due to artistic differences, although their eyebrows have stayed together. Despite the fact that they are often called just a mere 'tribute' to The Beatles, they are about a million times better than the overrated shit they are compared to (that is, of course, themselves).

Their music has been commonly described as "a bit like the Beatles really", and chief songwriter Paul McCartney's knack for combining a catchy melody with a noisy riff catapulted many of their albums to the top of the hit parade, inspiring a slew of imitators, the most notable of whom are perhaps Oasis. On their third album, Oa-sis Ain't Nuthin' Ta F' Wit, they adopted an experimental bebop direction which saw one slavering NME critic proclaim them to be "the greatest thing since whatever I named album of the week last week, while most others were in agreement that they were past their best and we should start listening to Take That instead. However, no one did. At this point, a fight broke out.

It has frequently been claimed that Oasis were not in fact a band, but a projection of a dystopian future beamed back at us as a warning of what could happen if we kept on listening to Pete Wylie. As a result, Wylie has been banned in several small countries, most notably Russia, although seeing as all or indeed more of these have no indigenous population, the effect on his sales figures has been minimal, a description which, ironically enough, can be applied to his sales figures themselves.

Contents 1 Band Members 1.1 Former members 2 Their Peak 3 Behind The Music 4 Their Comeback Tour 4.1 Blur 4.2 Mojo 5 Disputes with other bands 6 Where Are They Now? 7 Discography 7.1 Singles 7.2 Albums 7.3 Live Albums 7.4 External links

[edit] Band Members

• Angry Gallagher: Lion Gallagher
• Useful Gallagher: No Hell Gallagher
• John Lennon: Dead Beatles Legend
• Paul McCartney: Alive Beatles Legend
• Andy Bell: Former Erasure singer and Southern Fairy
• Gem Archers and lemonade, please: Drinks for girls and fookin' puffs
• Zak Starkey:Ringo Starr's son
• Samuel Goodacre: Utter Legend
• Jay Darlington: Resident Jesus of Kula Shaker

[edit] Former members

• Slaphead: Bald headed pleb
• Guiggley: Fat, sweaty pleb
• Whitey: Southern, racisit pleb
• Tony McCarrolley: Bleedin' useless pleb
• Tony Blair: Was usually seen having wild parties with Noel at 10 Downing Street. Was fired from the band after Noel caught 'Blairy' infamously playing guitar with another band.

[edit] Their Peak

Oasis began their career playing sold-out Starbucks and tackle shops in The Trafford Centre. They landed video deals and often hosted MTV2's Who Are They, Now?, a show devoted to undiscovered talent. They parlayed their money into a nice nest egg, in the hopes that they could build their own amphitheater in which to showcase traditional Ukrainian armpit sonatas, Beatles covers as well as their hit Blur, Get AIDS And Die Nob-Heads. Noel Gallagher ruined that dream, though, when his greedy Mam, Bet Lynch, persuaded him to use the money to buy her a caravan. Tensions flared in the band, as resources and patience were squandered. Noel Punched Liam. And Liam Punched Noel. Then Noel Punched Liam. Then Ringo got fed up and left the band. Then Liam punched Graham. At this point, everybody realised that Graham wasn't actually in the band but they sacked him anyway, just to be on the safe side. Graham was said to be "not that arsed, really".

Rare demos made just prior to the band being signed to Patrick McNee's label are now very much sought after, particularly by sad, intense 30-something males who still live with their mum and have never even kissed a girl, fetching as much as 43 new British pence (12,538 US dollars) on eBay. One standout track is a very sloppy rehearsal of a number that sounds like across between the Beatles "Strawberry Fields" and T.Rex's "Jeepster". A (possibly) stoned Noel can be heard giggling after the performance and saying "..eh, our kid, don't worry, we'll put it out as "Strawberry Felds Forever" and say it's our tribute to Marc Bolan... haaaah ha ha, wankers".

At such high heights of popularity the band's concert at Knebworth sold out. After coming on stage, eager to preform, the band realized that everyone came to see Take That, or some other such high quality band. Liam, the band's lead singer and boxer, began to punch everything from audience members to elephants, then later while he was sober thinking it was the fat dancer from Take Some Of It But Not All Of That. Noel, the band's resident comedian and lover of all things Northern, began to promote another band, The Attic Donkeys, despite said band's lack of talent and spelling skills. The other members, Slaphead, Whitey, and "That Guy" stood around hoping some one would notice them. No one did, so they quit.

[edit] Behind The Music

The band was in the studio, working on a new album. They were living off of royalties from their album Trampling on the Rules of Grammar, but that was hardly making ends meet. Noel's money problems became more pronounced, as he would spend his royalty cheques on accessories for his Mam's caravan. Alan invested in beer and pogs, and both gained and lost money in the Drunken Pog circuit. III's hips needed a complete overhaul, and the long nights spent in the studio wiped out Van Zant's money in coffee and crystal meth. They began taking bit parts in movies, television shows (primarily Thunderbirds), where Noel played the part of Parker, and Hollywood Squares.

[edit] Their Comeback Tour

Adidas reluctantly fronted Oasis the money for another money-making tour of Japan. On the first stop in Kyoto, Noel Gallagher was spontaneously dropped from the band, and the remaining members formed The Twitless Three. Alan White was dropped in the next stop, due to his expanding waist and his membership of Yes. Van Zant and III formed Crosby and Stills. Nadeem went on to own a multimillion dollar hoe agency.

Liam, being the only member left, hired two musicians from unknown bands to perform. While the musicians did fine, Liam, high on a different cloud/Supernova/Electric Sisters, began to please the crowd by screaming his signature catch phrase;

"YOU ARE ALL FUCKING TWATS YOU SHOWER OF CUNT FACED ARSEHOLES! I FUCKING HATE U2 AND FRANZ-FUCKIN'-FERDINAND AS WELL, AND I CHOOSE TO PRONOUNCE THIS AS ONE WORD BECAUSE I FUCKING WELL CAN"*

whilst trying to grab Noel's testicles, only to find Noel was not there and he was actually grabbing his feet.

*NOTE: This text was translated because it was originally spoken in Liam-Speech. A language only people who are Mad Ferrits or drunk football fans can understand.

[edit] Blur

Blur: is sort of like a flash but more muddled. Not to be confused with a Mur Blur.

[edit] Mojo

Mojo magazine (QVC) turned against Oasis in 1485 overshadowing, for many, the Wars of the Roses and the Battle of Burnage Shopping Precinct, and the effect was dramatic. Jethro Q Walrustitty set up a rival band to fill the gap but they were bought out by Status Quo two years later. The notes from the court case between Oasis and Status Quo were one of the last swaps on Noel Edmonds' Multi-Coloured Swap-Shop (1678)

[edit] Disputes with other bands

None. Noel Gallagher gets on with everyone. Much of the music industry refers to him as "Cuddly Uncle Noel".

[edit] Where Are They Now?

It has been rumoured that there are in fact five members of Oasis, although this is hotly disputed by the Gallagher brothers, and when quizzed the majority of Oasis concert attendees find themselves unable to recall seeing anyone onstage other than the two stars. However, some shifty guy in the pub last night has claimed that he was at one point the band's bassist, and that following his acrimonious departure from the group (effected when part of his finger was seen on a band photograph, attracting the wrath of Noel Gallagher) he has failed to hold down several jobs, most of them involving lifting things and putting them in vans. Another former member, who supposedly played drums for a bit, is now employed in a useless tribute band who signed to some cunt's Alan McGee's label but only sold a record because someone thought it was a Northern Uproar one.

As for the Gallaghers themselves, rumour has it that Noel is currently employed as a talking head by Channel 4 and also presents Deal or No Deal whilst Liam is in the pub. A more recent rumour doing the rounds is that Liam is to appear on an upcoming celebrity "Stars In Their Eyes" as Ian Brown. If you enjoy the sight of one semi-evolved Northern tosser imitating another even less evolved Northern tosser, or if you are simply a fan of people who look like chimps but aren't really, then keep your eyes peeled for that celebrity special! In the meantime, courgettes remain very competitively priced.

[edit] Discography

[edit] Singles

• Supersonic The Hedgehog - 1994
• Shake And Vac, And Put The Freshness Back - 1994
• The Doctor Said We're Gonna Live Forever - 1994
• We Ain't Drunk, We're Oasis (And We're Drunk) - 1994
• Whatever (I Dont Really Care Anymore) - 1994
• Some Might Say (That Sun Shines Out Your Arsehole) - 1995
• Score A Goal With It - 1994 ~ Became A Popular Song Amongst City Supporters
• Morning Glory (With A Hangover) - 1995
• Wonderballs - 1995
• I'll Fookin' 'Av Ya Sunshiiiiiiiine! - 1996
• Don't Look Back Ya Wanker! - 1996
• Champagne Superdose - 1996
• Under-stand; By Me - 1997 ~ Liam's Attempt At Putting His Autobiography Into A Song
• All Around The World in 80 Days - 1998
• Do Ya Know Where I've Been? - 1998 ~ Written Just After Noel Had Finished Writing All Around The World In 80 Days
• Go Away Now - 1998
• Let's All Go Let It Out/That Damon Albarn Ain't a Fookin' Twat (Double A Side) - 2000
• Who Feels Fucked? - 2000
• Sunday Morning Brawl - 2000
• Fuckin' Damon Albarn In The Bushes: Remix Edition - 2001
• Fookin' In The Bushes - 2001
• The Hindu Mirror on Sunday - 2002
• Stop Crying Your Fooking Heart Out (Damon) - 2002
• Big by Big - 2002
• Cum (N Have A Go If You Think You're Hard Enough) On Feel The Noize - 2003
• Fat Bird - 2003
• The Importance of 'avin It - 2005
• Let Them Be There Now - 2005
• Still Mad fer It - 2005
• The Importance Of Being Eric Idle - 2005
• The Masterwank: Extended Mix - 2006
• Lord Don't Put Me Down - 2007 Wrote By Noel For His Missus

[edit] Albums

• Modern Life is Fookin Great - 1993
• Blur Is Rubbish (Released In Ireland As Blur Is Fookin Shiiiite!)
• (What's The Story) Stealing Glory? - 1995 Renamed (What's the Story) in Balamory after they wrote and sung the hit theme tune of the popular kids programme.
• Shitelife - 1995
• Mad Ferret - 1996
• The Mashederplan - 1996
• (What's the Story?) Well it ain't Fookin' Damon Allbran - 1997
• (Morning Glory) Im Not Quite Sure I Want To Know The Story - 1998
• Definitely No, So Shut Up you Twat - 1999
• Standing on The Shoulders of Foreigners - 2001
• Don't Believe Wikipedia - 2003
• Are Albums Are Gettin' Better (Man!!) - 2004
• The Gallagher Brothers Banjo Brigade Rivalry - 2005 (Bootleg)
• The Heathen, Damon Albarn, and His Chemistry Set (With that Science Teacher Chris Martin) - 2007
• Stop Damon Albarn's Clock (A Best Of Collection) - 2009
• Don't Believe that fooking twat Albarn - 2005
• (Liam Gallagher gets) Morning Glory
• (What's The Story) in Balamory? - 2011
• Possibly Maybe

[edit] Live Albums

• Parklife Live
• LIVE from the BRIT Awards (featuring bonus tracks from Michael Jackson and Jarvis Cocker)- 1996
  • Also widely circulated as a bootleg under the title Shitelife 1996
• Familier to fookin more people then Blur- 1999
• The Liam and Noel incident LIVE!- 2001
• The only road to Rome is not far away from the next corner - 2008

[edit] External links

• Oasis Rock forum Noel's Wonderballs. Feel free to touch.