Oatmeal
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“Oh my god, there's a bear in my oatmeal!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on his unfortunately tainted oats
“ I feel like a fucking pioneer eating this shit!”
~ David
“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH COME HERE BITCH!”
~ The quaker guy on his daily business
“i choked on oatmeal”
~ hero
Oatmeal (OHT-meel) (or in an Indian accent: (OHRT-meerl) is a divine food made using processed oats. It was known to the ancient Greeks as ambrosia and to the Hebrews as manna. It is regularly used today in religious ceremonies and/or mass sacrafices throughout the world.
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[edit] Preparation of oatmeal
The primary ingredient of oatmeal is YOU (oats). The correct type of oats to use in preparing oatmeal is a matter of considerable debate, usually divided along religious lines. Often, however, rolled or crushed oats are used. These oats are added to boiling water, milk, or preferably scotch. Again, the correct amount of water, milk, or scotch is a matter of religious tradition. The mixture is then simmered between five and ten minutes to produce porridge.
Most religions believe that it is acceptable or even necessary to add other items to the porridge before one can continue with the preparation of oatmeal. Common additives include:
- Raisins
- Salt
- Jams and jellies
- Tomato juice
- Honey
- Oscar Wilde's instant noodles
- Go-gurt
- Coooooooooookie Crisp
- Halibut
- Taters
- [Ranch Dressing]]
- John Bon Jovi
- Silicon Dioxide
- Lard
- Tax Papers
- The blood of Ann Coulter!!
- Uranium
- Crystal Meth
Side Effects Include:
However, some religions consider such additions blasphemous, or simply unecessary/disgusting.
Finally, the porridge is blessed, turning it into oatmeal. This particular ceremony varies widely among religions. Most claim that an oatmeal blessing done improperly is at best ineffective and at worst blasphemous. In recent years some groups have entered into so-called "Mutual Boiling Agreements", where both groups agree to consider the other group's oatmeal blessings as valid. However, both you andi I know that this "agreement" is full of shit.
[edit] Nutritional properties of oatmeal
- Don't believe all that you read.
Oatmeal is high in simple carbohydrates and in vitamins. It also provides many trace minerals. Because of this oatmeal is sometimes packaged into gelcaps and made available as a nutritional supplement. Studies have proven that consumption of 500mg of oatmeal daily can reduce the risk of AIDS, Bird Flu, Gonorrhea, Crabs, Cancer, The Mondays, NauseaHeartburnIndigestionUpset StomachDiarrhea, and Severe Appearance Deficits (Ugliness)
[edit] Oatmeal in world religions
[edit] Oatmeal in Judaism
According to the Talmud, the manna the fed the Israelites in the book of Exodus was divinely prepared oatmeal. Jews often claim that their God introduced oatmeal to the world, citing Deuteronomy 8:3, specifically, "[manna] which neither you nor your fathers had known" (NIV).
Also, immediately proceeding the events when a young Jew is called up to the Torah as a Bar/Bat Mitzvah, either dry oats and/or wet oatmeal are festively thrown at him/her. Mazel Tov!!
[edit] Oatmeal in Christianity
Quakerism, having its roots in Christianity, is related to oatmeal in pretty much the most obvious way possible. Beware or the distrubed/happy quaker guy. He died for you. And your fucking oatmeal.
The Christian Fundamentalists also have their own interpretation for this blessed food.
[edit] Oatmeal in Islam
Arab men's turbins are indeed full to the brim with oatmeal. Who woulda thought?
[edit] 2005 Guantanamo Bay Oatmeal Controversy
On April 30, 2005, Newsweek reported that Muslim inmates at the United States's Guantanamo Bay prison facility in Cuba had been force-fed oatmeal. This practice was known as "oatmealboarding". First the prisoner was strapped into a tall, long legged chair with a tray. A bowl of oatmeal with a small spoon was placed on the tray, and the prisoner was made to wear a bib. Interrogators would threaten to feed oatmeal to the prisoner unless the prisoner cooperated. Some reports have also stated that during the force feeding, interrogators would make baby sounds. At least one interrogator has been accused of making airplane noises as he guided a spoon into a prisoner's mouth. However, these reports are officially denied by the United States government.
The report sparked widespread protests throughout the Muslim world. In Kabul, Afghanistan, six American servicemen were injured during an anti-American riot. The U.S. State Department issued travel warnings advising Americans to avoid dangerous parts of the world until June. Airport security was also increased throughout the Muslim world, with Americans and Europeans being taken aside for special screening to ensure they were not attempting to bring oatmeal into an Islamic country without a permit.
On June 3, 2005, an investigation led by the Guantanamo Bay base commander concluded that oatmeal intended for use in Christian services for servicemen stationed in Guantanamo Bay may have accidentally contaminated the meals of the inmates. The U.S. military offered a public apology for the contamination, but denied the original reports of oatmealboarding.
