Obesity
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Don't forget to your lap-bands
“In Soviet Russia YOU make food look fat!!â€
~ Russian Reversal on Obesity
“We Must get rid of obesity before Global warming is too serious. Who Wants some Mickey D's â€
~ Al Gore on Obesity
“The Only Inconvenient truth is that your fat!â€
~ Lil'Bush on Lil' Al Gore
“As we all know nothing gets past fat people...NOTHING!!!â€
~ Lachlan Galloway on Fat People
Obesity (AKA Podgy Syndrome) is a term used to describe people that are extremely fat -like your mum- and generally spend much of their time consuming vast quantities of food. Throughout history, due to endless food shortages, most people saw obesity as desirable, but in the last twenty years the US Surgeon-general has succeeded in brainwashing many people into considering obesity as an evil that must destroyed. In reality, though, obesity is merely a type of lifestyle, like athleticism or being a geologist.
While more people all around the world are achieving FAT-ASS STATUS, the USA has a particularly high prevalence of obesity. On average, over one third of the American adult population are obese, rising to more than 100% in more localized demographic areas. Although the UK lags behind the USA, the rate of growth is very similar to the USA. Some former states of the old Soviet Union have obesity rates approaching that of the USA.
The number of people who are obese is now rising rapidly throughout the world, making obesity one of the fastest developing social phenomenons in history. The U.S. Surgeon General has condemned the spread of obesity: “Obese people cause the world's problems!". In a report he submitted when he made the comment, it was claimed that 1.3 billion people in the world are obese; however this is incorrect. Only 300 million people worldwide are truly obese, with the remaining 1 billion people only being overweight (note: the nations of Fatropia and Gigantia are actively endeavoring to increase these figures.)There is also a new law in America that all fat women wiill be shot on the spot due to bad image.
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[edit] History
[edit] Early Evolution
Obesity has existed since prehistoric times with the emergence of the species Glutted Man whose evolutionary branch split off from the proto-Homo or "skinny" line.
The Glutted Man (Homo gluttirini), more commonly known as Pigdown Man, or The Pig Man was a genspecies of a Homo genus that inhabited Europe and parts of Africa. The first proto-Pigdown Man traits appeared in Africa as early as 350,000 years ago. By 130,000 years ago, full blown Pigdown characteristics had appeared. In 2000, anthropologist Thomas Aquinas took a more expansive view of the species, breaking it down into five distinct subspecies:
- Homo Ardenterina (Eating Too Eagerly Man)
- Homo Lautina (Eating Too Expensively Man)
- Homo Nimisina (Eating Too Much Man)
- Homo Praeproperina (Eating Too Soon Man)
- Homo Studiosina (Eating Too Daintily Man)
Homo Studiosina, for a long time believed to have been the last surviving branch, died out 30,000 years ago while recent evidence has shown that Homo Nimisina survived to modern times. For a time it was believed that the last surviving member of this subspecies was Porky Pig, but it was later discovered that another specimen, Mr. Greedy, lives. A detailed vivisection done on Porky Pig revealed that Pigdown Man had a stomach that was eighteen times larger than that of an average person.
Homo Ardenterina was undoubtedly the most unusual variant of the species. Among its attributes, the species had developed multiple mouths to enable them to take in a continuous flow of food. One fully intact specimen discovered in 1912 at Pigdown, a village near Suckfield, Eastsex, had a total of nine eating orifices.
A minority of zoologists argue that the two subspecies of Homo Nimisina and maybe Homo Lautina are not extinct. This theory was put forward by those zoologists who had taken part in the Palookaville Fat Study. They based their claims on the PFS final report; however most scientists argue that they have too many anatomical differences between themselves and humans for modern day Obese Humans to be considered members of either group. What is likely is that one of them may turn out to be an ancestral species.
[edit] Classifications
As a result of the many studies performed, it has been determined that there are many different kinds of fat people, with obesity being categorized:
- Chubby: Person has a little fat here and there. Shows only a little. Could be taken for a thin person from a distance.
- Pleasantly Plump: Rounded and plump. Fat now more pronounced, but with the result of enhancing a persons appearance, especially in the area of the face. Cheeks are round and perfect to pinch.
- Plump: A BMI of 28.0. Rounded and plump, with now noticeable increase in the size of the belly.
- Portly: A BMI of 29.0. Person now is bulky in figure; heavily built -- fat now significantly noticeable; people will turn to stare.
- Fat: A BMI of 30.0. At this point, a person is by medically considered obese. People in this class are significantly rounded in figure.
- Obese: Generally, a BMI of 62.0. Fat now overwhelming. Knees are locked straight and unable to bend. Difficulty walking, usually a slow waddle, and only for short distances.
- Grand Obese: Generally, weight above 900 pounds. Fat is now totally overwhelming the person. Person cannot walk or move, breathing becomes an overwhelming exercise. In general, no person in this class has lived to middle-age. Mortuary services can not be obtained for this kind of person. Current research in the field of Bioenergy have shown that Grand Obese bodies could contain the "fuel of the future". People in this class of obesity must be feed constantly.
~ Bioenergy researcher
[edit] Food and Obesity
Here are some foods that will make you fat and therefore obese. Nachos, Twinkies, beef jerky, marshmallows, lard and sugar. Here are some foods that are healthy. Celery, zucchini, eggplant, Carrot Tops. Any diet-product. You can have those salads they service in McDonald's though - they are covered in oils, mayo and seasoning.
Before embarking on any change in weight, try to enjoy being fat and think it over really hard. Do you really want to eat less than you already do? Perhaps a little more exercise would provide the improvement in body mobility you seek. After all, there is a 260 pound man who runs marathons...
In all individuals, the excess energy utilized to generate fat reserves is minute relative to the total number of calories consumed. This means that very fine perturbations in the energy balance can lead to large fluctuations in weight over time. To illustrate, an obese 40 year old who carries 100 lb of adipose tissue has only consumed about 25 more calories per day than he has burned on average - or the equivalent of an apple every three days. In comparison a very lean 40-year-old who carries only 15 lb of body fat will have exceeded his daily energy expenditure by about four calories a day - the equivalent of an apple every 18 days.
[edit] FPAW(Fat People Association of the World)
Fat People Association The FPAW (Fat People Association of the World) was founded in 13th century in the deep forests of Belgium. It now has over 10.000.000 members around the world, most of them living in the United states of america, the main office is located in Stockholm Sweden, in the same building as the McDonalds companys main office.
At first the Association was beloved by the beligums but when lollo got in to office. Many have no idea that Lollo in the class Me2a in stockholm sweden is the president of fat people association in the world!. When Lollo first got elected to be the president her respons was to eat a buntcake with some melted cheese, and a side dish of waffels. Lollo has now been the president for over 6 years and she weigh's in at 747 pounds which is amazing. she weighs more than 13% of the members in FPAW (Fat People Association of the World)
[edit] Culture and obesity
In the past, in most human cultures, obesity is associated with physical attractiveness, strength, and fertility.
In the USA today, many negative stereotypes are commonly associated with obese people, such as the belief that they are lazy, dirty, stupid, or even evil. Some go as far to describe obese people as greedy or gluttonous, two of the Seven Deadly Sins. These types of criticism lead to obese people lacking self-confidence and self-doubt. In fact, obese people are smart, clean, and extremely sincere. Diets (DIE-with-a-Ts) are the real evil, forcing people to change their body to conform to the prejudices of others (lardophobes, doctors, etc.). The lessons of history have gone unheeded.
Since more and more people are getting fat, it is becoming more acceptable to be obese in society. There is a small but vocal fat acceptance movement that seeks to challenge weight-based discrimination. They should get all the support that they require and maybe it will grow and change the world. These obese Americans are the hot-dog-eating champions of tomorrow.
The fact that the movement is somewhat small just proves that most Americans are scared and full of hate. People, please join the fat acceptance movement and you can make the world a better, fatter place!
[edit] The clear difference between Europe and American
Image:Difference european vs american girls.sized
If the image fails to open, you are the lucky ones... Ill summaries, that is onebig fat yank in a thong and a fit thin european in one... which you choose?!
[edit] Gainers
The people who think their stomach is not huge enough, and stuff themselves full of McDonald’s to make their bellies the size of 3rd world countries. This is often recorded on the Internet through "Belly Diaries" where gainers take pictures of their stomachs and get rewarded with such compliments as- "get bigger" and "it's HUGE! Keep gaining!". This keeps these gainers stuffing themselves and making their stomach larger and larger until they can be compared to John Goodman.
[edit] Advantages of obesity
- You can play with your fat rolls.
- Risk of Anorexia is greatly reduced.
- Obesity is often associated with positive characteristics such as good humor (the stereotype of the jolly fat man like Santa Claus) and an appreciation of fine cuisine. Also, who wants a skinny chef?
- More cushin' fur the pushin'. According to Family Guy, fat sex is great, and much more appealing (honest).
- When admired, you are treated like a god.
- If you fall off of a high building, you probably won't die: you'll just bounce back up again. This can be used as a kind of transportation method towards the nearest McDonalds.
- Have your own gravitational pull.
- You can swim faster then anyone (Hey, Grant Hackett is a fat swimmer, and he wins a lot of gold!)
[edit] Helping Obesity
I will now describe a lot of ways to become obese. First of all, you must love food and you must eat a lot. Second, you must enjoy being fat and love your body as it grows, Third, be as lazy as you can and possibly get a partner to help you. Fourth, drink plenty of weight gain shakes. And lastly, avoid all diets, and eat a lot of fattening foods. I was here because I am obese!
this is kalphite!
[edit] Close Encounters of the Fat Kind
On encountering a fatty, extreme caution is advised as tears in space-time occur in the vicinity. This is caused by their extreme weight which distorts matter around it and causes food to fall in upon itself, creating minute black holes as explained in Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Fatties. In this book Hawking states that the mass of a Fatty (Homo porcinusaumini) is inversely proportioned to the volume it occupies in space. This is an intensely unstable formula and causes the head of anyone reading it in depth to collapse in on itself.
Recent research by Steven Hawkins has also shown that due to the increased mass of fatties in extreme cases they can distort the space time continuum, greating an artificial gravity well (think old Quake 1 rune wars). This artificial gravity has been used by fatties to explain their attraction to food, "Its not that we are attracted to food, its that the food is attracted to us". This argument follows such arguments as "its in my genes", "I have a medical condition" and "It's my hormones". Research is currently being undertaken on self discipline in fatties but is proving difficult as the researchers have yet to find any to research.
People have been getting remarkably fat since prehistoric times (to judge by such artifacts as the celebrated Venus of Willendorf), and accurate weighing is mostly a twentieth-century phenomenon, but many Fatties have been known in the course of history. Obese people -- or the politically correct term Fatties - have become a sizable part of today's society. While their main activities include attempting to get up, and eating their weight in processed animal products -- though no one has yet to achieve the goal of eating what is called The Magic Ton. Among Fatties are the tribe leaders, the fatologists who have created a minor religion around their status. Their mottoes are "We serve the Fat -- the Fat serves none!" and the more commonly known "Forward the Fat!"
Many members of the non-Fatty community believe that these Fatties must be expunged by the rites of exercism and DIE-with-a-T-ing. These claims have become cause for concern by some, as Fatties have been persecuted throughout history. As recently as the 1780's, Fatties were known to have been hunted and put to death. In Europe, the most common method of execution was cooking. The ovens and fireplaces where Fatties perished by the tens of thousands during early modern times still stand in popular imagination. For historians, the so-called great European Fat-purge has been a much-vexed issue, one easily contorted to suit the prejudices of the present day. (see the History and War on Fat sections of the article.)
[edit] Culture
this is kalphite! this is proxima!
In the last census, it was estimated that three out of four U.S. citizens are obese, and other sources say anywhere from 1/3 to 1/2 of that number actually being Super-Obese (ie: Fatties). Indeed, according to the findings of Palookaville Fat Study, by the year 2030, 100 percent of U.S. citizens will be obese by current standards. It was also noted that nearly 2/3 of the U.S.'s fat drivers own and drive in a compact vehicle (I.E. Honda Civic, Yugo, ect.) Not only do the vehicles get a great weight-to-gas mileage ratios, but small cars gives them self assurance that, "HEY! I'm not fat if I can fit in this tiny thing!"
Obese people are popular because they provide companionship, joy, immense love, a sense of safety, and often a service. Obese People are fun to be with every day. They make us feel good!
It is a widespread myth, however, that Obese People are always jolly. In fact, a study taken in 1970 by Dr. Sus Hollstein-Butterblume concluded that FAT Fat People (excluding members of the Fatties culture) are capable of being as miserable as sin, but only due to jealousy of thinnies who persecute them. The Professor eventually discovered that constant feeding of his subjects kept their 'happy level' right up.
There is a controversy going on in the Europe about whether Fatties qualify as Homo Sapiens or whether they should classified as an entirely different species.
You must feed them a diet high in fat and cholesterol at lest seven times a day and play with him or her too, although that won't be too hard because you just have to find a video game to play with it. You must also show love to it to receive love back. This must be done with caution though so that you, the owner does not get unintentionally injured when the fat person shows affection. Other than that, a fat person does not require too much work to take care of. If you want to treat your fat friend to a snack, remember fat people love pies and cakes.
Remember though, a Fat Person is for life, not just for Christmas (though generally they don't live that long anyway due to heart failure and hunger).
[edit] The War on Fat
Last year, the U.S. Surgeon General declared: "I refuse to accept the spread of obesity and I am committed to advancing the prevention agenda. It will take all of us working together to find the solution to this growing problem." This war on fat is the latest manifestation of an ongoing trend that the government has a duty to protect "public health" by discouraging behavior that will result in a reduction the number of individuals capable of military service (Fatties are incapable of violence). It also reflects an anti-individual perspective that people are nothing more than a mindless virus that is being manipulated by big corporations into consuming anything and everything around them. The anti-fat crusaders claim that they only want to manipulate the people for their own good. They seek to stamp out obesity by trampling the rights of the individual into the dust.
This policy has lead to the U.S. government insisting upon forcing Americans to de-fat themselves. This mission is being accomplished through a combination of taxes, subsidies, censorship, and brute force. Methods used vary from state to state; in some instances subjecting obese people to various tortures such as Liposuction. The states have now begun regulating food with the argument that they must keep the taxpayers' weight down.
This persecution has reached alarming levels. In a special news report, it was recently revealed that the number of U.S. children undergoing de-fatting torture has tripled in recent years, increasing at a pace that resulted on over 2,000 such operations in 2006, according to an analysis of data on 12- to 19-year-olds who have undergone de-fatting procedures from 1999 through 2006.
During that time, an estimated 5,488 youngsters nationwide underwent de-fatting; the rate tripling between 2004 and 2007.
One unusual tactic has been put into effect in Brazil. The medical community there have recently declared that Fatties are animals and must be treated in veterinary facilities. As dogs and cats are far smaller than even a skinny human, the normal pet clinics could never accommodate such patients. This has resulted in Fatties being sent to various Horse Racing Tracks to receive medical treatments and examinations. The use of the facilities there by them -- in conjunction with the care of the race horses -- has created significant delays in the running of races there, resulting in rioting by spectator fans and bettors. The Brazilian Horse Racing Commission dealt with the Fatties use of their facilities by having them run in the races. Thus far, no Fatty has won a race. There have been protests about this new practice, but the Brazilian medical and horse racing communities have not stopped the practices.
Rotundo Lima da Beleibt, ambassador of Fatropia to the United Nations said, "The obese patients already suffer from a lot of prejudice and having to be treated where animals are is not helping their self-esteem. Many simply refuse to go."
In a recent development, the war against obesity has escalated with the release of alarming statistics showing that the increase in worldwide population of overweight, obese and morbidly obese people is inversely proportionate to the worldwide population of Dwarves. This alarming statistic has been pointed to by many fat busters as further proof that inside every fat person is a skinny person trying to get out, although as the trend has been apparent for some time, the digestion processes of the the fatties may already have killed many of the Dwarves.
[edit] Fat Acceptance Movement
To combat the "prejudice" (read: believing that people should lose weight when they get fat.) in modern society against fat people, as well as to cash in on the trendiness of bullshit civil rights movements, some fat people decided to start the "Fat acceptance movement." The basic principles of this movement are that it's easier to whine and complain that people are prejudiced against you than fix the problem (Yes, being too obese to stand is a problem) that causes you to be "discriminated" against in the first place.
[edit] See also
- Oprah Winfrey
- Rosie O'Donnell
- Michael Moore
- Al Roker
- Grease Hut
- Yo momma
- Marlon Brando
- McDonald's
- Fat
- The Ultimate Weight Loss Solution
- Does this make me look fat?
- Not Starving
- UnBooks:To be a Fatty or Not to be a Fatty
- Vanessa Feltz
- Si's Pies
- The Obese Man's Handbook
- Carl Harrison
- Nick Todd
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