Oboe

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“In soviet russia, oboe plays you!”

~ Joey Stalin on crack

Typical Modern/Phallic Oboe

The oboe come from an ancient line of the well-respected, double-reed woodwind family.

The term "oboe" comes from the French words "haute bois", meaning "high wood". However, the term "high wood" does not refer to the high notes that this woodwind instrument plays. Instead, the term refers to 17th century French oboe players who typically huffed cheetahs with the plastic tube approach, using their oboes instead of plastic tubes, immediately before playing the instrument. Many experts believe that it was this crazy combination of huffing and music that lead to the beginning of modern music and the wild popularity of the oboe today.

The oboe is considered the hardest of instruments to play, even harder that the triple-tuba. Oboe players must have thick skulls to sustain the pressure on the brain caused by blowing the instrument, and to have the ability to huff cheetahs. Many new students die on their first year of playing, that is why recruiting oboe students is prohibited by law in the U.S., Europe, Australia, China & Japan. This leads to the fact that most oboists are former slave children from India and Africa.

[edit] Uses of the Oboe

An oboe can be used in several different ways. For one, it can be used to summon undead beings with its horrible blaring sound (see necromancy). The oboe, being made of grenadilla or similar rosewoods, can also be used as a hollow shortsword for cutting down thy enemies.

And, one thing that will always be useful with an oboe is firewood; you simply need to snap if in half, and then pour a small amount of gasoline on top. Lite a match and you've got yourself a nice, cozy little fire to cook dinner on. Now that's a great use.

[edit] 17th Century History

Indeed, during the mid-1700's, oboe players were some of the most famous and stylish personalities in Europe. They often partied until the wee hours with rich and powerful composers like Joseph Haydn, Antonio Salieri, and of course, Wolfgang Mozart. Large groups of idolizing fans and screaming teenage girls frequently followed popular oboists from concert to concert. Many experts believe that these fans were drawn to the oboists' colorful personalities, as well as the phallic symbol obviously represented by the oboe shape.

Because of the wild popularity of oboe concertos, several oboists in the the mid-1780's gave free public concerts in large, rocky fields outside Paris. Many historical musicologists believe that the modern term "rock music" derives from these gatherings. While these concerts were extremely popular among the French peasantry, they greatly angered Louis XVI, an intense but jealous oboe fan. He declared free oboe concerts to be illegal on June 18, 1789, and actually imprisoned a famous oboe player, Maximilien Robespierre, in the Bastille prison for giving a free concert.

In response, the French public went crazy and stormed the Bastille on July 14, 1789, which is now known as "Bastille Day." The mob freed Robespierre, who promptly smoked a large reefer and gave a free oboe concert to the delight of French peasants. Of course, this heralded the beginning of the French Revolution and gave birth to its slogan, "Liberté, égalité, fraternité, et les hautes bois !" (Liberty, equality, fraternity, and oboes!)

[edit] Modern Oboes

Today, the demanding, hard-partying life of an oboe player is not for everyone. Potential oboe players should think long and hard about playing this instrument, especially girls, even though it is now quite socially acceptable for women to play the oboe (as long as it is not their primary source of income). Not everyone wants to put up with the extra mail, telephone calls, and daily interruptions from fanatical oboe fans and jealous bassoon players.

One thing about oboe players rarely mentioned, however, is that they are all quite strange. Many never move out of home and hide in their parents basements because of the cost of reeds. They tend to be anal about everything and anything, and at the same time just be spaced out 100% of the time. Though most oboists will blame their reeds for any personality quirks (or anything at all, really ), this may have more to do with the lifestyle mentioned above and possible drug use.

[edit] Notable oboe players

• Tom Cruise
• Arnold Schwarzenegger
• Margaret Thatcher
• Michael Jackson
• Your Mom
• Audury Hepburn
• Ronald Reagon
• Mattie Windham
• Sam of Century (Invented, perfected, and played oboe. Known for "mad skills."

[edit] Quotes by Oboe Players

"If the composer wanted it to sound good, he wouldn't have chosen the oboe." And yes, I am an oboist." -Anonymous

Often many will debate the question, "Are oboes better than clarinets?" Well, let me tell you this. The answer is always a resounding YES! (Don't forget the overtones) -Anonymous

"Face it- we oboists are all so high and mighty- in fact, surely we must annoy you always thinking we're so posh and great just because we can afford instruments that cost about three times as much as a plane! That's it! I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU! DO YOU HEAR ME!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Thus endeth the lesson." -Jesus

[edit] Quotes relating to Oboes

"What the hell is an Oboe?" -Oscar Wilde

"I don't think it's supposed to go up there . . . oh well . . ." -Virgil Thomson

"Oops" -God on oboes

"And when the angel broke the fifth seal, I heard the tormented screams of the heathen as a chorus of 3,007 oboes playing in unison..." -Apocalypse 34:10a

"Isn't this against the law in most states?" -police

"What the hell is that SOUND?!" -Anyone listening to an oboe

"The crows of an oboe reed sound like ducks must have hot sex" -The amazing Jessy

"Who you calling an 'oboe?" - Some hobo

"whats that?"-an oboe player when asked for a tuner

[edit] The infamous oboe reed

The oboe reed usually costs more money than a professional oboe player earns for a year of work in a famous orchestra. Another attribute of oboe reeds is the squeeky, high pitched noise they make while they aren't shoved into the oboe. The players usually squeek into these reeds until you smack it into a wall or throw the actually oboe player there. This is another leading cause of death among this group of musicians.

As to what it is, the oboe reed is the two little blades of bamboo which are blown through to produce sound and is also what makes oboes sound so distinctly oboe-y. While most students buy their reeds, professional oboists nearly always make their own. The making of oboe reeds is a fine art and its secrets are not to be shared with the general public. Rumors are spread of blood sacrifices, and it is true that reed making requires exceedingly sharp knives. Ever wonder why oboeists tend to have all those little cuts running up and down their fingers? It is a skill handed down from teacher to student through generations of oboists when the teacher realizes the student no longer has any money left to pay for hundred dollar reeds.

Oboe reeds are small and delicate. They break easilly, never lasting more than a month. While non-oboists realize that it is a lost cause, oboists spend much of their lives trying to create the perfect reed, believing that it would make the oboe actually sound good. They spend hours at a time locked in small rooms with no windows, doing whatever it is they do to make the things, cursing colorfully the entire time. When they come out and start playing they then blame everything they do wrong on their reeds. Teachers actually tell students to do this. Oboists believe that no one will realize how bad a player they are if they claim to be having reed problems rather than admitting a mistake.

It is also worth pointing out the difference in American and European reed making. Even though the facts on what the actual difference is are fuzzy (top secret among oboists, that is) the difference in tone is quite distinct; or so oboists will claim. While the average layperson just hears painful caterwauling, an oboist will point out how much darker the American tone is and how much more nasal European oboists sound. Most even will admit the other sort of tone is quite bad, that is, Americans will insist that Europeans sound horrible and vise versa. In these cases, it is best to just agree with them. Insulting the oboe in front of an oboist is sometimes fatal.