Octavian

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[edit] Octavian or Augustus, The Emperor of Rome's Secret Life

[edit] The Second-Greatest Roman Emperor, The Second Most despised

Octavian Augustus Crustle is commonly remember for being quick to anger, quick to judgment, and quick to brothels. Originally being handicapped, the poor boy was unable to live up to his adopted father's repuatation and legacy; leaving him strained and pouty for years to come. Although he is thought to be the greatest roman emperor, it is widely known that after caesar, they all kinda sucked...but even so, he did bring SOME new inovations to ancient Rome, though all his writings have been lost so only his name was recovered along with a few scraps of insignificant doctrines. What is most commonly identified with Octavian is his pompus arrogance which he always fluanted before crouds, just like his father, who's coat-tails he rode to the seat of dictatorship. Because of this, he is widely despised and even rumoured to have been birthed of the irish WIlliam Wallace, who was what many scholars are now calling: panzaic atrocio-us. Overall, Octavian is a second rate character, who plays the part of a mild history fluciation, in an endless sea of Greek.

[edit] History of a Heretic

It has been long known that Octavain, who is now considered sociopathic, was an antichristian who loved trying to burn down the holy roman catholic church. Though never officially recorded, it is now believed he succeeded, and with the help of the arch-bishop, created an elaborate conspiracy to cover up his ill-thought out actions.

[edit] Early Evictions

It is oft' said that Rome was run with a wooden fist, one that caught fire when it was angry and severely burned the innocent bystander it clenched in its old withered hand. This is quite true in retrospect, when considering Octavian, for it was widely know in his home town of Kentuckistan, that he was born without a hand, and that without careful presision of aristotle's sewing ingenuity, he would still be handless to this very day. The time in his life between adolecene and childhood is very patchy and mostly ununderstood and remains a mystery as to what started his violent tendancies, which are believed to continue to the point of when he was a mere "todling", as one philosipher put it. We will try to give a short explanation as what we think happened between the ages of 4 and 12 to Octavian Augustus Crustle.

Born in 666B.C on a small farm in Ireland, Octavian was immediately noted to have aspering carpentry features. Big eyes and ears would give him the advantage his father never had, as well as fair-hair that would go well with a green tapered hat ending in a bell. However, the strong youth would not take up his mothers love of carpentry, and instead follow, in time, after his father the conqueror (who was at the time of his birth, off fighting in world war I). With the complications of his birth including a shallow stump in place of a hand, minor retardation, and a second benign head, it was a wonder he survived at all.

As Octavian grew, so did the disputes between Rome and Ireland. On 678B.C., a horrible sound likely awoke him as nuclear misiles bombarded the peaceful rolling hills, now shattered like broken glass upon the ground. His mother was killed, as was everyone else in that house, and the whole town for that matter, except Octavian, who had been playing hide in the cellar when the attack hit. In response to the destrution, it is said Octavian threw his fist in the air and vowed vengeance against the Jews for crusifying Jesus, his savior, bringing even more conflict in times to come.

Without a family to call his own, or even a sheep (they were having their wool combed sleek that day, and so were brought into town) Octavian was soon shipped off to boarding school in France, where he spent the latter part of his childhood until he was released at the age of 9. Not having a family of his own, he soon joined a notoriously vicious gang in england that preyed upon the weak and elderly, as well as the young and supple without mercy. He was finally caught and jailed at the age of 16 for trying to steal cd's from a popular record-shop and again for smuggling diamonds out of Rome a secret compartment of his wooden hand. Even when he was being interrogated by the police, he never gave up on his dream to conquer the world and destroy all the people of Jewish decent for 'what they did last summer.' Upon hearing his dreams and asperations he was sent to a state penatentary for the criminally insane. After escaping by chewing through the marshmellow-like walls of his room, he escaped, at the age of 18, running straight-jacket and all through the marshlands of Ireland, he knew not where to go. Eventually he made his way to what used to be his home town of guatamala. Once arrived however, he found that Julius Caesar, the man who destroyed his life, the man responsible for the destruction of his family, the man who was destined to rule all of Rome, had rebuilt in the ashes of Greenland, to raise his personal summer house.

Finding his parents murder seemed to finally break the grace and beauty of Octavian's slow, lumbering demeanor and reawakend the blood of his long deceased father. Taking up excalliber, he thundered on Caesar's door and demanded a duel. Caesar merely shot him with a slingshot from the top story window and giggled. This simply WOULD NOT DO! Octavian cut down the door and cut his way through Caesar's men until he was overwhelmed. However, instead of killing him, as Caesar had unto this point done, he admired him and offered him an altamadem. Become his son, or be blown to tiny bits. Octavian accepted and so became Augustus, the princeling.

[edit] Pompus Posterity

Through Caesar, Octavian (Augustus (the princeling)) finally gained a father figure to look up to. The killing of his whole town was literally water under the bridge, after Julius built a connecting cannal to Ireland. Though Julius was a wonderful father, he a rather bad emeror, and in time, he was "officially removed from power". Without a father or friendly magistrate, he was quickly back to his old drug and drinking habbits. He spent the last of his family fortune of cocaine, and last of his golden years on the streets. The once proud, pompus son of the Emperor now slept on the pavement like any ordinary citizen of the time. Augustus was no longer Augustus, but once again Octavian, the troubled youth. Living for one bottle to another, he again was forced to face his life and what had become of him. From the time of his birth in Japan, to the rulings of his adopted father Julius, he had never become this bad of a character or been as miserable as he was now. What was left of poor Octavian? What could he do? Most thought he would have given up by now and pursued his old mastury of carpentry to pay for his wine, but Octavian wouldn't give in so easily. After spending nearly three years in rehab, Octavians transformation was complete. He once described his time there as the 'hardest years of my life'. No doubt he was tempted many times to break the cycle and go back to huffing, but his dumb resolution kept him going. In an unlikely twist of events, Octavian gathered a militia, the half of the empire that was rightly his, and killed all the peasants that stood in his way from the seat of power. Finally, after two years of intense fighting, Augustus, no longer the prince, but the SUPREME DICTATOR OF ALL THE LAND took all of rome and sat upon his conquered kingdom without much thought and his simple brain, knowing not else what to do, abicated to the will of the senate.