Officer Dave

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Satan Loves This Article

The Prince of Darkness — the ultimate purveyor of all things wicked, vile, and malevolent — has personally reviewed this article. The submitter and all subsequent editors are damned to eternal torment in hellfire.
Considering selling your soul? For great rates call 666.

A message from Al Qaeda Osama Bin Laden cordially invites you to have tea with Officer Dave in Western Pakistan

This article is evil!

Everything about this article is evil, the author is evil, the computer used is evil, and now you are evil. Go get a frickin shark and put a frickin lazer beam on its frickin head!

This article was written about a peckerhead.

The author knows this because he is also a peckerhead and has frequently chatted with Officer Dave at the meetings.

This article makes me sad

This article is very sad, I prefer not to be sad… If you don't like to be sad don't read this article or you will become sad. If you do decide to read it make sure there are no cute animals watching or the sadness will make them too sad to breathe.

“Officer Dave is a B-I-T-C-H. ”

~ Fred Flintstone on Officer Dave

“I never could get a good bitch in bed. ”

~ Clint Eastwood on Bitches

“I had ear sex with that bitch! ”

~ David Spade on Officer Dave

“That bitch blocks MY Myspace”

~ Tom on Officer Dave

“Those bastards shot me! ”

~ Billy Crystal on getting shot

“Kitten Huffing is sooooo good”

~ Papa smurf on kitten huffing

“Officer Dave is one bad dolphin! ”

~ User:Eli Dolphin on Officer Dave's campaign against dolphins

Officer Dave on his private island.

Who is this Romantic Figure?

Officer Dave is a web filter used by most schools, well mabey not most....but some...like mine.

[edit] Startling Truth

[edit] How'd he come to be?

“I once saw Officer Dave beat a man to death with one of these. ”
 :~ Oscar Wilde on Officer Dave

Officer Dave was born Cadet Dave in 1965. He was bore from the two deities, Lucifer "satan" and Marilyn Monroe, it is believed that Marilyn gave birth to Dave right after she OD'ed on pills, by doing this she gave Dave a rare and serious disease in which the host finds a penny in the middle of the street and is hit by a car.

[edit] The Love of Dave's Life

Cadet Dave met a young lady by the name of Peaches at seamstress camp. Seamstress camp is often mistaken for a sewing camp, but it is not. It is a camp for the people who have their "seams under stress" which is often referred to as the brink of insanity camp. Dave's mom signed him up for this camp shortly after Dave had a violent incident in which he was brutally beaten by a creature from Myspace. We all know those creatures can fuck us up real good.

[edit] When did the cadet become the Officer?

Officer Dave's wife Peaches Before Dave was "just another statistic."

Cadet Dave became Officer Dave shortly after His marriage to Peaches. As a wedding present, Lieutenant Bill Gates promoted Cadet Dave to Officer Dave. There was much controversy in this promotion though, mainly because he wasn't really a police officer and he bribed Bill Gates with 56 Billion dollars, but a vigilante for the Bess cyber filtering program or, BCFP.

[edit] Love Life

Officer Dave is known for his catchy pick up line's and anonymous phone calls in the middle of the night. Even though his ex-wife Peaches forbids him from these acts, he is known to do it anyways. Peaches refused to have any form of sexual relations with Dave before she divorced him and made Him into another statistic, she wouldn't even allow the idea that she was a statistic because "Statistics are of the devil."

[edit] Does anyone like officer dave?

Officer Dave says...Did your dad have sex with a carrot? Cause you've got nice eyes.

It is said that once there was someone who liked Officer Dave...It is undocumented, however, of who it was. It is said that his father "Satan" liked him, but later realized how Officer Dave blocks sinful web pages so he decided to start hating him like a normal parent.

[edit] People that love Officer Dave

[edit] Childhood

As a child Dave played in the rock band Kiss for his AA (american airlines) meeting. He was obsessed with airplanes. His room was designed like the inside of a bowing 747. Sadly enough the airlines wouldn't endorse his ideas for planes made out of the black box on account of the idea being patented by Jerry Seinfeld. He was kicked out of his house when his parents saw Dave "playing" with himself....He was flying an airplane by himself, what do you think I meant, you sick pervert.

[edit] Scandal

[edit] The Begining

That bed was soiled...so...many times

So what exactly happened?

Pictures of Officer Dave and David Spade were anonymously submited to tabloids across the nation. It was not known if these pictures were doctored or not, a Mr. Billy Crystal was brought in to investigate the pictures closley, Mr. Crystal Responded, "These pictures couldn't have been doctored cause I can't see any BANDAGES!!!" Mr. Crystal was immediately shot for saying such nonsense.

[edit] Acting Years

Officer Dave has worked in a strip club/opera house. He has been seen working on "The phantom of the opera." His new career was cut short when he was caught huffing kittens in the actors' quarters.

Picture of Officer Dave in actors' quarters.

[edit] The truth comes out

Some of the more shocking pictures..

David Spade held a press conference later that month. He stated, "The pictures were not doctored, Billy Crystal was correct in his hypothesis, but he does not deserve to be resurrected for saying such an unfunny joke. However, it is true, Mr. Officer Dave and I have been having intimate relations. I have just recently broke things off with Dave and we are now just friends." That night on the news at 7, A poll was taken on how funny Billy Crystal really was, an amazing 86% said he wasn't funny, 3% said he was funny, and the other 11% do not have cable television.

[edit] The aftermath

The Officer Dave "ear sex scandal" slowly dwindled to mere memories in short time. Though David Spade's acting career soon took a turn for the worst and he had to settle for portraying one of the Gayest Characters you could possibly portray... Dikie Roberts: Former Child Star.

[edit] An addiction no one could have forseen

What kind of man huffs a kitten?

[edit] Haloween night 10/31/05

Officer Dave was caught Huffing kittens in the back room at Cheeky's Partyhouse which happens to have a website which is blocked by Officer Dave himself. Dave was immediately charged with "kitten huffing in the 1st degree" at the Los Angeles Supreme Court.

[edit] Sentencing Day 11/1/05

Officer Dave was sentenced to go to rehab at L.A.'s once famous "Crack Fortress" in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas. He spent a long year rehabilitating to the tune of the ghetto's rap music which is blasting a few blocks away.

[edit] How's Dave now?

Dave is enjoying his career... drug free :D .. He has remarried to one of Hollywood's once new (and now old) actresses, Lindsey Lohan. Though their marriage is on the DL (which is star speak for down low, I FEEL SO COOL NOW) they have two a children, who, like jesus, jumped in age 10 years or so... and are now known as the Olson Twins.

[edit] Dave goes Insane

[edit] Urgent news

Officer Dave has recently gone insane and has gone on an absolute blocking spree.

[edit] For those of you who hate Dave

http://www.freewebs.com/antidave/

[edit] Officer Dave's Satanic nature

Unlike other satanists, Officer Dave does not love his father, satan. Officer Dave's morning ritual consists of waking up to his bed, with his favorite stuffed (with vital organs) animal, his horse head. He then eats his breakfast of ugly-o's, or, on a good day, leftover childrens' fingers. He then brushes his teeth with Goat blood. After that he goes to his job (currently a child interrogator).