The Offspring
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[edit] The Offspring
The Offspring are a popular Californian punk rock band grunge band alternative rock band emo band group of people who use instruments. It consists of vocalist Dexter Holland, whose real name isn't actually Dexter OR Holland, guitarist Noodles, whose real name really is Noodles, Greg K. whose real name was shortened for being even harder to pronounce than that guy from the Hitchhiker's Guide, and some other guy I can't remember. They're ghost-zombies because in early 80 they died from a freak fire in a sweat oil refinery cave that ended with electrical funeral and was like "Hahaha" cause they were cooking some meth!
[edit] History
[edit] Forming the band
Orange County nuclear plant security guards Dexter Holland and Greg Kriesel thought of forming a Justice League, with Dexter as "Nuke Man" and Greg as Dexters sidekick, "Greg". After trying to ruin a punk rock concert and getting a royal ass-kicking, they decided to play music instead. School custodian Noodles 'Buttfuck' Wasserman joins up, allegedly for his ability to legally purchase toys like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-action figures and Hot Wheels-cars for the underage trio. The threesome practice in Kriesel's parents' house's basement's hidden soundproof room and play their first shows on the moon. later that next month they died when trying to sell some t shirts in a cave and then some fuckwipe with a car drove into a sweat refinery in the quarry where some meth was being cooked and the skin, flesh and guts vaporised off of THE mops-pring and are zombies now you can see it in the movie IDLE HANDS!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Stuff happens
The band, originally called Offspring, changes its name to THE Offspring. They thought the word "the" was awesome. They press up 1 copy of the debut vinyl single, “I‘ll Be Waiting“ b/w “Blackball,” on their own Black Label, and subsequently wonder why they aren't selling millions of copies.
[edit] More stuff happens
Their debut album was a self-titled album, called 'Offspring' and is a perfect example of The Offspring's unique, TSOL-Ramones-Boris Yeltsin-esque style. It immediately had no effect whatsoever on any band, genre or person, an achievement which is still celebrated to this day. The band supposedly originally had a drummer who was fired in favour of a gynecologist.
[edit] Selling out
After doing nothing at all to support the album since they had no idea how to play in a band, Greg sucked Brett Gurewitz's dick and the band was allowed to release albums on Epitaph Records. They subsequently recorded two new albums, the first about setting stuff on fire, and another about breaking stuff.
When they were compared to Green Day, Dexter threw a fit and killed three of the band's drummers. He was subsequently kicked out of school, allowing the band to tour more and causing people to actually hear about them.
[edit] Failing at selling out
In 1997 The Offspring decided, what the hell, let's release another album. Instead of fooling for the old trap of repeating the same sound as before (in this case, the sound of Smash, which had won them instantaneous fame, money and set the record for the most amount sold ever on an indie label) and wisely decided to concentrate on a new sound and, I know, let's move to a bigger label and ditch the other one, because that would be a good move, wouldn't it? So if you guys are, like, really nice, you know, they might release a new album, right?
The result was the 1997 album, Ixnay On The Hombre. Nobody in America understood how to pronounce the title and therefore it sold 0 copies there. In Europe, there was one word for every language spoken, which caused peace among all the different nations and all that queer stuff.
It was also a fucking disaster.
[edit] Successfully really selling out
Following an unprosperous year (1997), The Offspring created yet another album, Americana, which totally whored the whole music scene for years, man, and then made yet another in 2000, 'Conspiracy of Fonz', which was, apart from being a carbon copy of Americana, a general slap in the face to Happy Days fans everywhere (or anywhere), and produced such singles as 'I Want You Badly Injured' (again referring to the Fonz) and 'Million Miles Away', referring to the subsequent court order placed upon the band, that they be allowed nowhere near the star.
In savage retribution The Offspring wrote and recorded the non-album single 'Defile You', featuring the lyrics: "The more you 'heeeeeeeeey!', the more I defile you, so just drop the case, whoa, yeah".
[edit] The LOST Member
There was a 4th member who played guitar ever since the band died in the early 80's, but was a ghost and wasn't visible most of the time, his name was ryan. his guitar playing was so awesome that it peeled the skin off of the listeners who were retarded. most of ryan's guitar parts were ommited after the album before 1994s smash and ryan felt that he was a burden on the other members, especially when all the girls at live shows were only taking off their shirts for him only, so he disappeared and was never seen again. Later the producer monkey fucks found a picture in his guitar case of him when he was alive walking in front of a running train, and on the back it said "eat me stupid producer fuckwipes!". Ryan now resides in the afterlife in southern california where he submits midis of the offspring peoples music on forums and in older dos games, and remixes all of their music so that only his guitar can be heard, in fact here's his mix of self esteem: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=8DH1AGBF now it smells like teen spirit
[edit] Oh wait apparently not
In 2003, the drummer left, causing the other members to say "Whoa, we had a drummer!?" They then recorded another album, this time dissing Axl Rose, titled "Chinese Democra-- no wait just kidding Splinter". The drums consisted of producer Brendan O'Brien beatboxing and everyone else banging on walls. Nobody noticed the difference between this and the drums to Metallica's St. Anger. It was mercilessly released the same year to a terrified public, causing several major music channels to forcefully not show any videos whatsoever, and many radio stations to not play any songs at all. Meanwhile, the Fonz went into hiding following police advice, and continued to stay there and not come out for many years henceforth.
In 2005, The Offspring released a Greatest Hits album, trying to cover up the fact that they had done bugger all for two years except for one song, 'Can't Repeat', which actually was a repeat of 'The Kids Aren't Alright'.
[edit] Messed Up Stuff
In 2004, Dexter had said they would be, like, recording a new album soon, you know, right? Except they didn't. In 2006, he, like, met with Bob Rock who would produce their new album. After 3 million years of recording, they finally released the record, titled Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace. However, during the pressing of the album the cover art was accidentally switched with that of a My Chemical Romance album. The albums first single, Hammer-ass, has recieved a certain amount of radio play in Belarus and Mongolia, but nowhere else. The album is expected to be released on June 17th, but we all know that it's gonna delay until December 2052, right?
[edit] The End Of The MopSpring
In early July 2008 the guys decided to do something entirely different from what they'd done since their creation in 1700 BC. They started recording what was to be their last album; instead of it being the same music style they'd done before it was a grunge cd of all new material that was recorded and mixed live at the community world theatre in tacoma washington on a 18-track machine because they were too cheap to afford a 24-track and so it was all very much in one take with some 2nd guitar and drum tracks being recorded simultaneously, the album was then recorded onto 500 1/4" tape cassettes and distributed among fans around the seattle and olympia area until they were out of cassettes and money to make more, they then started doing concerts in support of funding a new guitar for ryan so that he could return and help them out profit the album. Instead they bargained for more than they wanted, and kurt cobain was summoned by accident and he drank their blood and reaped their souls out their throats and shoved dimebag darrel's guitar up their ass's, they then lost all consciousness and fell into a downward spiral into the underworld where timmy and the lords raped them and spewed blood on their faces, and then kenny came back to life and beat the shit out of cartman for being an asshole and then raped stan and kyle, gave butters an award, and then jesus came down and decapitated kenny like the bad guy from lethal weapon two, cuz you couldn't touch him cause he was a family guy who had to support lois and the kids, who didn't care anyway because they were too busy paying spanky back for raping herbert the pervert, and was then going to shove toot up a tree and burn it after pissing on her ass, cuz she's a fat ugly cow and foxxy and clara are way hot and fine shemale bithces who'll fuck for atleast a buck or two, but don't live their lives that way cuz clara's vagina is a monster and can't stand the act, so he goes to ronnie james dio who gives him 50 dollars that he owes to kurt cobain because kurt killed courtney after being ressurrected and decided to record that one last record with chris and dave, so he ripped off the MopSpring from their new untitled cassette, basically just endorcing the cassette to cd and vinyl, giving it new artwork and calling NIRVANA 4 and then shooting some morphine, and so dimebag comes and says "fuck you" and takes his axe out of the mopsprings ass's and shreds the best fucking solo in the universe and continues on for about a couple hours in the MOST EPIC MASTERPEICE EVA!!!!!!!!! but the mopspring get annoyed and go and play one last show on SEPTEMBER 11, 2001!!!!!!! AT EXACTLY 6:66 p.m TOTALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but it's not enough so they say "fuck it" and go and give the very last cassette to a guy named daniel who's the living ego of ryan and daniel says "RIGHT!? YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Oh and the new Offspring album? It's in a secret place, no one will ever find it! I know where it is, true story!!!!!!...also, Dexter was attacked by a hammerhead shark.
