Old King Cole

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he. However, the reason for this unusually good humor, humor quite out of place in the Dark Ages, was very much not because of his fiddlers three. Rather, it was because he had the biggest army in Britain.

[edit] Biography

[edit] Childhood

Cole was born at the age of sixty-one, a fact which led to awkward moments at his high school prom, and which will be described later. Also because of his age he was not covered by his parents' family health plan. So he caught very many diseases. Among these were dysentery, cholera, measles, ADD, SAT, PHD, and Rastafarianism. His parents, being Dark Age peasants, did what all their kind did, and burned a witch. Unfortunately for Cole, the witch burned was the only villager with any medical training. So he stayed sick.

When Cole was sixty-nine years old, the Romans, who still ruled Britain, learned of his illnesses. They sent a regiment of legionnaires to investigate. The report their commander filed confirmed that Cole was, in fact, dead. Needless to say, Cole's parents were shocked at this, but Cole himself had long suspected it. Then and there he resolved to make the most of it. Foremost on his new agenda was to become supreme overlord of Hell.

The task was easier than it sounded, however, because ever since the resurrection of Jesus the old pagan gods had lost their jobs. Nevertheless, the rules stated than all applicants for the job had to get official endorsement from their predecessors. So Cole set out to look for them.

First found was Hades, who had sunk into depression and become an alchoholic. Cole had to wait until the god was sober (about five weeks) to ask his blessing. Next came Aphrodite, now a drug dealer; Thor and Gilgamesh, both training to take on Chuck Norris; Charlie Chaplain; Bran; Lugh; and then the rest. But the whole trip proved for naught because the Underworld had been rezoned and was now a bath house. Dissapointed, Cole came back to life and went home.

[edit] Teens

Having fallen behind in his schooling while gone, Cole was forced to attend Summer-school. This frustrated him. Matters were eased, however, when his teacher was replaced by Foghorn Leghorn. Under the rooster's steely gaze, Cole received a classical education, which meant he was destined to be unemployed. His best subjects were math, telepathy, and boot blacking. Once, he even polished Keenan Wynn's head in return for a novelty cigar.

Cole's good record did not last. As the date of his high school prom neared, an idea entered his mind. Being a legal adult, why could not he bring booze for himself? The answer: why not indeed. Soon his plans had expanded to include a catapult, four kilos of opium, a dachshund, and two barrels of kerosene as well.

Well, Cole was a thin person so the drink quickly went to his head. He killed a chaperone, and seven girls emptied the kerosene on themselves and lit it at his urging. Next, a Babylonian exchange student inhaled all the opium while the honor students painted the walls with obscene graffiti. Finally, the local Legion garrison raided the school in the mistaken belief that it was a bookie.

So Cole was expelled. But this did not daunt him, and he joined the Legions, impressed by their snazzy uniforms. There he spent the rest of his teens.

[edit] Adulthood

Life in the Legions was good for Cole. His post at Hadrian's Wall was a prime location for smuggling, and he soon found a niche for himself taking bribe money. With this new wealth he bought the loyalty of his whole regiment. This proved full of foresight because when he ran for tribune, they killed the other candidates. Furthermore, the governor of Britian, Fermentius Tibula, saw such tactics as the mark of a great general. Cole was summoned to meet Tibula. He was made Ducks Brittaniarum.

He was good at it too. Not a day went by without a freeborn peasant's rights being infringed on, their daughters requisitioned, or their cows shaven. In fact, so fearsome was Cole's reputation that it made Attila the Hun tremble. The stupid barbarian made excuses of course. He said it was a new kind of belly dance.

Eventually, the Romans left Britain. By then Cole was so old that even Ralph Nader was impressed. When orders came to gather his troops and go to France, Cole refused, instead sending a letter to Emperor Metroidicus Primus in which he suggested the monarch, "conflagatoris" his "gluteus maximus". The emperor promptly died of apoplexy.

Now on his own, Cole declared himself king. Passing out bottles of free booze ensured that his troops supported the move. However, the Scots and the Picts refused to submit to him. So King Cole invaded Estonia. The reasons for this move are unknown, but it gave the Scots and Picts enough time to build an army of terracotta William Wallaces. Realizing that these mechanoids posed a threat to him, King Cole hired Hagar the Horrible to wipe them out, which he did armed only with a can of RAID. King Cole then marched his troops across the North Atlantic all the way from Estonia to Scotland, where he sank in a bog and died.

THE END!!!!!