Old people
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“Fuck off and die already, you selfish sod!”
~ Everyone regarding Old People
“10 points!!!!”
~ A young person after running over an old person
“Get off my lawn, before I f**king blow your a** to the hereafter!!”
~ Mr. Stevenson on 12th street
“I used to hate weddings because all the Grandmas would poke me and say "you're next". They stopped when I started doing it to them at funerals.”
~ Little boy
Old people, also known as Social Pariahs, are a myth created to scare children, like monsters, or homosexuals. However, they are usually harmless, unless driving, voting, breathing, talking, flying, cooking, crapping, or huffing. Caution is advisory around old people because they possess a superpower known rather unceremoniously as Blab Attack, but this is easily combated by showing them an iPhone. This results in the head not only exploding but also simultaneously imploding.
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[edit] Characteristics
Old people have undergone the advanced, complex process of "year-aggrandisement", otherwise known as aging. Old people would be nostalgic, but as they can't remember anything to be nostalgic about, they don't bother. Old people are also known for being incredibly wise, which is just as well, as they don't have many years left to use that new-found wisdom. They also develop an affinity for grandchildren, or children of a similar age, usually because their topics of conversation, mental age and also their toilet habits are quite similar. When men become old, they develop an affinity for games such as golf, probably because the frequency with which they put something in a dark hole for pleasure and recreation becomes less common as they get older. Women, as they are no longer useful as an ornament, take a great interest in furnishing their homes with antiques and ornaments, and they no longer constrict themselves to being moody just once a month. Some old people have a tendency to develop an obsession with gardening - and the picture to the left shows the dangers of this habit - as some old people have been known to get so addicted to cultivating their carnations and chrysanthemums's that they may literally bury themselves there, just so they can keep a constant eye on their gardens. Some family members may also bury them there but that is for totally different reasons!
What's that you say? Yes, old people are often hard of hearing, unlike children, who are soft of hearing. Thats why you should never shout in baby's ears! Don't say we never give you good advice...in that respect we are just like old people; wise and bossy. Old people also have a sense of humour (Just look at Bernard Manning before he died...er no, wait, that guy was never funny! Plus he's not a pretty sight to look at) but only when you explain the joke to them painstakingly, by which time they've already nodded off or challenged you to a game of Scrabble.
Often Old People can speak, and often do so in their native language of random gibberish. They are usually very funny and always sarcastic, they sometimes will say things such as:
- "What's This? What's The Point In This Game? Where's Teddy Bear? Tedber Come 'ere.
- "That's not thin enough!!!!!!!!! (When old people are clogging up the Deli line in the grocery store)"
- "Great Scott! I think he's got it!"
- "Who are you? Son? I have no son! Get out of my house."
- zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzz
- "You ungrateful smogg! Back during The Second World War II I walked uphill through the snow both ways just to keep mankind alive!"
- "Get off my lawn, you hooligans!"
- "What's that infernal racket?!?!?!"
- "Get your head out of the way, I can't see the damn bus!"
- "When I was a kid, we didn't watch fancy stories on the movity cube".
- "We fought the Wigwam children to get back what was rightfully ours, the tomahawk, which was invented by my friend Tom A. Hawk".
- "Back in my day, we didn't have cars. We had to ride miniature horses. And sometimes jumbo horses. We also had to hunt miniature flying horses for food".
- "Does he have GONORREAH?"
- ZZZZZZZZzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzZZZZzZZZZzZZZZzzZZZZZZZzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!
- "You there! Return my sanity at once!"
- "Back in my day, we didn't have food. We had poop... and you better believe we put it to good use!"
- "I hate the... (government, immigrants, hippity jippity music, computin' machines, neighbour's cat, little children, new programs on the "movity cube").
- "Now be a good lad and change me."
- ZZZZZZZZZzzZZZZZZzZZZZZzzzZZZZZZzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- "Does this look infected to you!?"
- "Dang-nabbit!"
- "What does this do?"
- "I want bananas on my waffles!"
- "CUT YOUR HAIR, WHIPPERSNAPPER!"
- "I like cheese..."
- "Back in my day...(at this point you will probably have wandered off in search of more interesting pursuits)
- "BINGO!!!"
- "The AARP told me the internet is a series of tubes"
- "What's your name? What's my name? is my name, name..."
- "Now... where have you gone??"
- "WHIPPERSNAPPER!!!"
- "Are you sure this is my house?"
- "Make your own danged waffles!"
- "Has anyone seen my dog?"
- "Is this WWI?!"
- "What year is it?!"
- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzZzZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- "What in the name of Chreest is that??" (only said when looking in mirror)
- "L-O-L out loud"
- "The president? That is easy it's Nixon, now get me my Dependz"
- "Eat that tripe it will put hairs on your chest"
- "Why is my chair wet?"
- "Gays, Gays they make me sick, hang um!"
- "Can you just nip to the shop for me ...... heres the money" (all in two pence pieces)
Old people often end words with -ity, and -in', like in the sentence "Those flippity politicians, not givin' us old people enough honkin' skippity chicken!"
Old People can usually be found in prisons, Tower Blocks housing, and the United States elephant graveyard known as Florida.
[edit] Symbiosis
Old people often enter into a blood-pact with machine-like superbeings, among them wheelchairs, respirators, and hearing aids. The old person will slowly begin to lose the ability to walk, breathe, or hear, and thus must seek the machine-beings. The being attaches itself to the old person, and then offers its services (i.e. prostitution). In return, the machine-being then draws upon their (little) mind energy, until the old person is completely and utterly retarded. After this, the machine-being then draws upon their very life force, sucking the dark energy that birthed the old person from it and taking it into itself. The machine-beings then leave the twitching, pathetic corpse behind and seeks its next victim. (This is speculative research, and perhaps part of a conspiracy against old people - see below).
[edit] Ageism
Old people would be young if only they weren't old. Aside from that old truism, others believe that if old people weren't old, they would be young. But a lot of contempt for old people has been diagnosed by trendy sociologists as 'ageism'. Johnlebablylood Strethary, the chairman of the organisation "'Olding Back The Jeers", tried to explain why there is so much dislike of old people at a keynote speech recently: "A principle reason for the hatred of this magnificent class of citizen...the reason they suffer...the reeeeeassson...uhm....I need to take a nap". Klaus Schintzer, his counterpart in the German organization: "Oldischingangan-Backfortze-Thetung-Jerzealung", or "Old Volks" for short, tried to fill in for Strethary but by that point half of the audience had gone the way of the speaker.
A response to these musings has been that sociologists are simply to trying to make money out of old people by selling books about this apparent divide in society. In this respect, they have something in common with viagra companies, who are always wanting to push sales up.
It is often said that there is a discrimination against old people when it comes to work: Many firms are not happy to hire vastly experienced, and wise workers, and prefer their considerably younger and unwiser counterparts. This might be because old people can't be trusted to arrive at work on time in case the battery on their mobility scooter runs out (although it is fashionable for lazy obese people to ride around in such devices these days), or, even if they do get their on time, they don't want to leave because they're too tired, and work has to arrange for the elderly person to be picked up, or they decide to be very grumpy to their younger work colleagues. Perhaps another reason is, as it is customary to buy a gift for a colleague when it is their birthday, younger colleagues do not want to buy such things as incontinence pants, or false teeth for old people, either because it's embarrassing for the recipient or the person buying such items. With the advent of faceless internet buying this lame excuse is no longer valid.
[edit] Telling Tales
We have been focusing on the negative aspects of what old people do, but now its time to look at what positive aspects old people excel at, and they do excel at many things. For instance, old people, in particular married old women, have an incredible access to irrefutable truths known by malicious irrationalists as "old wives tales", but everyone else really knows that these facts are as true as 2 + 2 = 4. In fact, they're probably truer than that sum we've just mentioned (but only on a Friday or a Saturday, of course.)
Some eternal truths of their old wives, and their proofs are:
- Friday the 13th is an unlucky day (Proof: Yep, there was this one time I was playing soccer that on that date, and I scored an own goal and then the team lost, so it has to be true. Its got nothing to do with the fact that I disliked the team I played for. None at all).
- A bar of soap between the bed sheets will prevent cramping of the leg :(Proof: This can be shown mathematically -
- Whereby, A is the quantity of soap, x is the number of bed sheets, b is the weight of the person and so on and so forth.
- Itchy feet are a sign of a journey to somewhere different (Proof: This is obvious. Itchy feet are always the sign of a journey to somewhere different - in this case, a journey to the bathroom to get some foot cream out of the cupboard.)
- If the old person's arthritis is (acting up) then there will be a big storm( Proof: in 1998, and old person had pains in his fingers because of arthritis, then the moment after that, he crapped on a squirrel's head.)
Scientists are puzzled as to why being an old wife endows one with the logic of a logician, the wisdom of a philosopher, and the insight of a scientist. In fact, some retired husbands have purposefully had sex changes in their sixties order to gain access to these truths - but after the operations they felt no wiser. Maybe that's because during the sex change, a wild bird flew into the operating theatre, which means bad luck or even death, as anyone knows.
[edit] Communists and old people
Though every young person can say that they have gone through a period where they thought Communism would actually work (Usually this is dispersed by instructing the would-be Communist to heed the words of the famous American philosopher Homer Simpson - "In theory, Communism works"), this political system tends to attract the old. For instance, Mao Zedong was still in charge of China at 82, Deng Xiaoping at 90, Brezhnev at 75, though he looked closer to 750 towards the end of his tenure. It is particularly fitting that many Marxist slogans have the phrase 'Long live' in them, such as: "LONG LIVE THE GREAT OCTOBER SOCIALIST REVOLUTION!", "LONG LIVE SOCIALIST DEMOCRACY, AND OTHER OXYMORONS!", and "LONG LIVE THE ONE CHILD POLICY, EVEN THOUGH THE CHILDREN MAY NOT LIVE LONG!"
Reasons for why are as follows: Communism has many slogans, such as 'Workers of the World Unite', and ruling over people by shouting slogans at them rather than actually doing some politics is ideal for old people who simply do not have the energy to do the job of a normal politician. Some say it simply beats being put in an old people's home, where they have no sense of control. Some like the uniforms, since it reminds them of the old war days - because every old person has fought in some kind of massive war.
[edit] See Also
- Mocha lates for performances by old people
- Old Folks Home
- Undead
- Death
- Children
- Stench
- Old
- Sick
- Green
- Vomit
- Grandma
- Grandpa
- Viagra
- Pandasex
- Johnny
- Diarrhea
- Dead
- Horses
- Gray
- Shitballs
- Bitch
- Babies
- Kids
- Dead people
- Hitler
- Ozzy Osbourne
- Asylum
- Jason Voorhees
- Ass Crust
- Black Sabbath
- That guy
- Power Instinct (a game about old people)
[edit] External links
