York
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“Every sperm is...”
York is a British city Located in Yaaaaarkshire it is home to many interesting people such as the goldsmith family and the crazy killer twins , hence the name York, as Yaaaarkshire is the shire of York and York is in Yorkshire. Local attractions include a vast amount of street corners and fields to drink alcohol, there is also some Minster thing imaginatively named 'The York Minster' where people regulary commit suicide, or at least threaten to. The name York was stolen by some Americans, but they put the word New in front to prevent a lawsuit.
York is the location of the chocolate factory from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. If you go for a walk along side the River Ouse you will notice a slight brown tinge in the water. This is because the Ouse is 23.6% Cadbury's Dairy Milk.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Early History
York was founded by the Romans as a place were they could sit in local cafes, pubs, museums, souveneir shops, and chemists whilst boasting to each other, in their very loud and annoying accents, 'how much better Rome is than England'. Since the fall of the Roman Empire this important role has been performed by members of the only remaining empire in the world today: the United States. Many of the inhabitants of york started work in the gold industry and later earned the name goldsmith. Many famous Goldsmiths are: Trevor Goldsmith, Goldy Goldsmith, Craig Goldsmith of wombleton and his identical twin womble garfield.
[edit] Modern York
Modern York (a bit like New York but much less so and add a crap load of Japaneise people), is infact a cunningly disguised abode of Chavs. Though they are prevented from going into the City Centre by the walls, they remain the main inhabitants of the rest of the City. This explains why the main areas of employment in York are:
- Norwich Union
- Charlie's Chocolate Factory
- Beating People Up
- Being a Wanker
- Unemployment
- Being a Japaneise university student
[edit] Not Very Interesting Facts About York
- York is the original name of New York and its largest village New York City, before George Washington proclaimed that it was too old and declared it "Kinda New York". Thomas Jefferson advised him to drop the "Kinda". (George then thought it should be called "Adolescent York City," but his efforts were once again foiled by coherent thought.)[1]
- Often named the Norths capital of "Supermarket warefare", York suffers heavily from gun crime initiated by bosses of various supermarket chains.
- The capital of the fictional duchy "Yorkshire", which the so-called "Grand Old Duke of York" said he was the 'duke' of. Historians believe he made this up to impress "the ladies." It is further speculated that he was neither grand nor old, and that his beard was really candyfloss.[2]
- In 2008, The United States of America once again changed New York back to York in a "surprise" move by George W. Bush after sinking New York City.[3]
[edit] Entertainment In York
A couple of realy broing museams. No seriusly, none, although genuine fliers have been received by an unfortunate contact of mine residing in York inviting her to a fun attraction, depending on what you're into. To quote:
"Fun for all the family... At York Cemetry!"
No, seriously.
[edit] Fun facts, by 'eck
- Although superfluous and redundant at the time (not to mention anachronistic), York used to be nicknamed "Old York City."[4]
- For a short period under Governor Ed Koch, York was renamed "New Rock-York-City" but repealed after the village of Buffalo claimed that they rocked harder. This of course led to the Battle of the Bands / Eighth Nuclear Winter.[5]
- A proposal to change the city's name to Yor-DameJudiDenchUsedToLiveHere-k was overwhelmingly approved by residents, but failed when councillers sent the relevant paperwork to Queen instead of the Queen.[6]
- Under every Stewart's Shop in York, there is a secret underground lair where all the tax money goes. This is then used to fund more Stewart's Shops and Starbucks.
- Formerly possessed a very unremarkable football team called York City. However, the club was stolen in a heist committed by the Douglas Craig Mob in 2002, and has yet to be recovered. Following the proposed closure of the Nestle factory it has been suggested that Kit Kat Crescent will be renamed Bootham Crescent, which has caused uproar amongst the local fans.
[edit] The Clever Self-Defence System
York is the one of the few places in which a street is called a gate, a gate is called a bar and a bar is called a pub. Some people will tell you that this is because the people of York wanted to get one over on those people who write dictionaries, whilst other say it goes back to the middle ages. Uncyclopedia can reveal that the truth is that it is in fact an ingenious self-defence system devised by Yorkists - best seen in an incident from the Wars of the Roses.
A Lancastrian Army laid siege to the city. Unaware of the local terminology, the Lancastrian commander ordered them to attack the southern gate to the city, known as Mickelgate Bar. The result was that the Lancastrians promptly set fire to a nearby pub, arousing the ire of the locals who, in a fit of wrath, slaughtered many of the host. When they finally DID take the gate, the Lancastrians were ordered to "go down Mickelgate" - a street in the city. The attackers, bewildered, proceeded to climb the gatehouse itself and absail down the portcullis.
Eventually, infuriated by the apparent futility of their activities, the Lancastrians gave up and left. To this day the citizens of York have not been bothered by anyone (and get a few good laughs out of confused American tourists.
[edit] Road Organization and Structure
- The I-87 aka the Thruway aka the Trueway or Colliergate is a road that was designed after Picasso's "Guernica".
- The I-90 (west) leads to the hamlet of Buffalo, the home to chickens, Beefalo, and of course the infamous Chicken-Buffalo monster, which terrorized most of Toronto for six to eight minutes, until it was subdued through methods of batter, frying, and eventually Frank's Red Hot-Sauce.
- The I-90 (east) leads to the hamlet of Boston, where you can get wicked retaded.
- Route 1079 leads north towards the edge of the earth, and passes by a few IHOPs and UJUMPs. This also passes by the cultural centre of Poughkeepsie.
- The A59 which goes to New York and Newer York.
- This law has never been changed, but in the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if you use bow and arrow. (really!!!!!)
[edit] Notes
- ↑ Rev. Y. M. Inster, The Olde Book of York, p. 94
- ↑ P. J. O'Clifford, The Grand Olde Book of York, p. 111
- ↑ P. Diddy, The Olde Book of New York, p. 16
- ↑ K. Wiseman, The New Book of Old York, p.42
- ↑ S. Cowell, Rockin' York, p. 827
- ↑ Dame Judi Dench, My Life in Film, pp. 9, 16, 21, 89 and 120
