Omaha, Nebraska
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“If you're in Omaha in 1964, and you're feeling horny, you can fucking forget it.”
~ Keith Richards on Omaha in 1964
“All cock, no brain.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Omaha in 1890
“Omaha became a mecca of swimming.”
~ Michael Phelps while competing in the swimming trials
Omaha is a small patch of something in a very large field of nothing. The fact that it exists is still widely disputed. In fact, the term "Omaha" is often used as a synonym for "nowhere," as is the case in Bob Seger's "Turn the Page".
At one point, one of the worlds greatest leaders, Gerald Ford, was born in Omaha. At this time, Omaha was also known for its easy women, as popularized by Grand Funk Railroad in "American Band".
The generally accepted term for life forms from the area is "Omahans" (pronounced OM-a-haw-ins), although many of these creatures are, in fact, refugees from the third-world country known as Iowa. Omaha saw a significant spike in immigration during the summer of 2008, after continuous rainfall flooded countless Iowans out of their "homes."
Omaha's main tourist atrraction is the College World Series, which attracts a diversity of hicks and alcoholics from all over the United States. Since the University of Nebraska and Creighton University never make it to the College World Series, Nebraskans usually find their entertainment at the CWS in booing Husker football rivals, like Miami.
For many years, Omaha was also rumored to have a pretty good zoo. Upon further inspection, however, researchers discovered that this "zoo" was really just the city of Council Bluffs, Iowa.
In the summer of 2008, Omaha became the swimming capital of the world, beating Long Beach, Baltimore (Michael Phelps' city), and Eindhoven.
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[edit] Higher Education in Omaha
The two most famous institutions of higher learning in Omaha are the University of Nebraska-Omaha and Creighton University.
The University of Nebraska-Omaha is part of the University of Nebraska system. It is largely attended by townies, and those who did not possess the ACT score of 4 required to attend the real University of Nebraska.
Creighton University is a Jesuit, Catholic university located in downtown Omaha. It is primarily attended by those damn hippies, liberals, and over three billion pre-medical students. It is the only university in the nation at which under 85% of the student body is from New Jersey.
[edit] Transportation
When traffic is backed up, i.e., over five automobiles are present on the same road at any given time, it is permissible to pass on the shoulder as long as you honk your horn and flip off all the people you are passing. Major street includes Dodge.
If you thought retarded people worked for CalTran, wait to you see the streets that suddenly change directions to one-way (the opposite way you were going) for no apparent reason. This is 100% true. Omaha currently has no subway system, though recent preparations for application to host the 2284 Summer Olympics have prompted early stages of planning.
Omaha's main airport is called Eppley Airfield. Thanks to Senator Chuck Hagel (R-NE), Eppley Airfield recently underwent massive renovations, such as construction. Service to Omaha is provided by every major domestic carrier except United, American, Delta, Southwest, Continental, US Airways, Northwest, AirTran, Frontier, and JetBlue. The airport boasts itself as the cleanest in the world, thanks to new state-of-the-art technology, such as groovy brown carpeting, which absorbs dirt, trash, and the occasional child.
[edit] Famous People From Omaha, Nebraska
- Nick Nolte - Ever heard of him? Me neither.
- Conor Oberst - Only reason kids ages 14-25 know where Omaha is
- Gerald Ford - He lived there for a week. That counts, right?
- Andy Roddick - A tennis player who can't beat Roger Federer.
- Fred Astaire - Noted heterosexual (really!) dancer.
- Warren Buffett- Really rich guy.
- Henry Fonda- Did some acting.
- Marlon Brando - He managed to rise above this obvious impairment.
